What’s Good For The Goose Is Not Always What’s Good for the Gander

[Keeping on keeping on]

I need advice on a situation with my husband. I recently went into his phone, with his knowledge, and I saw a text message from his secretary at his job. He does not work in an office setting, but he and everyone else has to contact her several times daily for work orders, timesheets etc.. I had previously seen where he messaged her and called her “hon” ok.. so it bothered me, I told him I felt disrespected by it & told him not ok with him calling another woman hon. He got a little irked, but was like okay. Last night I saw a message where he was thanking her for entering some data for him on a job, and he had wrote “Thanks Dirty D lol” her name is Diana & he was referencing her pet name as Dirty Diana, like the Michael Jackson song. She responded with a Lol & a couple blushing smiley emojis. This literally made my blood boil! I asked why did he think this was ok?!? He had exploded on me, threatened to leave me, told me I was mentally retarded for being mad. I told him to put the shoe on his foot! Because I know that he would go through the roof it that was my conversation with another man! I had once sent our daughters boyfriend a smiley face over text telling him to have my daughter call me when she woke up & my husband had the biggest fit, accusing me of all kinds of ridiculous things. But I’m supposed to be ok with him receiving smiley faces from another woman & him having a pet name for her, after I asked him not to call her “hon”?? If anyone knows the song, it’s actually about a groupie that convinces a man to cheat and lie to his partner! So the fact that he has this nickname for her, just makes it so much worse! I’m upset.?But in his eyes, I’m in the wrong, because I got mad over it. Am I overreacting??!?? I’m tired of his double standards!

 

[Ana the Ist]

It doesn't sound like you trust each other much.

I'm sorry if that doesn't sound helpful...but I don't know any easy solutions to that. You can work together on it or not. I suppose that it's good to try and see things from each other's sides...that's helpful. I think it's also helpful to be honest with each other about your insecurities.

Once you work on those...trust is a lot easier.

 

[Keeping on keeping on]

He knows I’m insecure, I admit my insecurities, so he’s fully aware. He refuses to admit having insecurities, I know they’re there. It’s the double standard situation, that really gets to me.

 

[jacks]

It sounds like a difficult situation. As you describe it, I would not say you are over reacting. He is obviously flirting with Diana. The fact that he lashed out at you when you brought it up, makes it more suspicious. Even if it is just harmless flirting, the fact that it upsets you should be something he considers. Maybe others will have good advice; all I can suggest is perhaps getting some counseling, ideally through your church if he is a Christian too.

 

[Ana the Ist]

He knows I’m insecure, I admit my insecurities, so he’s fully aware. He refuses to admit having insecurities, I know they’re there. It’s the double standard situation, that really gets to me.

That is frustrating...and as men, it's probably pretty common. We don't like to be seen as weak...especially by those we love.

Sharing your feelings, communication, past experiences...can be difficult things for men. How is he with these things...generally?

 

[Sparagmos]

I need advice on a situation with my husband. I recently went into his phone, with his knowledge, and I saw a text message from his secretary at his job. He does not work in an office setting, but he and everyone else has to contact her several times daily for work orders, timesheets etc.. I had previously seen where he messaged her and called her “hon” ok.. so it bothered me, I told him I felt disrespected by it & told him not ok with him calling another woman hon. He got a little irked, but was like okay. Last night I saw a message where he was thanking her for entering some data for him on a job, and he had wrote “Thanks Dirty D lol” her name is Diana & he was referencing her pet name as Dirty Diana, like the Michael Jackson song. She responded with a Lol & a couple blushing smiley emojis. This literally made my blood boil! I asked why did he think this was ok?!? He had exploded on me, threatened to leave me, told me I was mentally retarded for being mad. I told him to put the shoe on his foot! Because I know that he would go through the roof it that was my conversation with another man! I had once sent our daughters boyfriend a smiley face over text telling him to have my daughter call me when she woke up & my husband had the biggest fit, accusing me of all kinds of ridiculous things. But I’m supposed to be ok with him receiving smiley faces from another woman & him having a pet name for her, after I asked him not to call her “hon”?? If anyone knows the song, it’s actually about a groupie that convinces a man to cheat and lie to his partner! So the fact that he has this nickname for her, just makes it so much worse! I’m upset.?But in his eyes, I’m in the wrong, because I got mad over it. Am I overreacting??!?? I’m tired of his double standards!

You are not remotely overreacting. His behavior is at the least inappropriate and at the worst suspicious. The reacting the way he did was VERY disrespectful. I’m sorry you are going through this

 

[Keeping on keeping on]

Thank you! I’m a reasonable rational person, far from perfect, with plenty of insecurities, but this was just inexcusable in my opinion.

 

[zephcom]

I need advice on a situation with my husband. I recently went into his phone, with his knowledge, and I saw a text message from his secretary at his job. He does not work in an office setting, but he and everyone else has to contact her several times daily for work orders, timesheets etc.. I had previously seen where he messaged her and called her “hon” ok.. so it bothered me, I told him I felt disrespected by it & told him not ok with him calling another woman hon. He got a little irked, but was like okay. Last night I saw a message where he was thanking her for entering some data for him on a job, and he had wrote “Thanks Dirty D lol” her name is Diana & he was referencing her pet name as Dirty Diana, like the Michael Jackson song. She responded with a Lol & a couple blushing smiley emojis. This literally made my blood boil! I asked why did he think this was ok?!? He had exploded on me, threatened to leave me, told me I was mentally retarded for being mad. I told him to put the shoe on his foot! Because I know that he would go through the roof it that was my conversation with another man! I had once sent our daughters boyfriend a smiley face over text telling him to have my daughter call me when she woke up & my husband had the biggest fit, accusing me of all kinds of ridiculous things. But I’m supposed to be ok with him receiving smiley faces from another woman & him having a pet name for her, after I asked him not to call her “hon”?? If anyone knows the song, it’s actually about a groupie that convinces a man to cheat and lie to his partner! So the fact that he has this nickname for her, just makes it so much worse! I’m upset.?But in his eyes, I’m in the wrong, because I got mad over it. Am I overreacting??!?? I’m tired of his double standards!

He threatened to leave you??? And you didn't show him to the door?

Your husband is an abuser. Get your hands on as much money as you can and beat him to the door.

 

[Keeping on keeping on]

That is frustrating...and as men, it's probably pretty common. We don't like to be seen as weak...especially by those we love.

Sharing your feelings, communication, past experiences...can be difficult things for men. How is he with these things...generally?

Not good AT ALL! I often don’t tell him my feelings because if it involves something he did, he turns on the defense mechanism, he thinks I’m automatically putting him down, trying to make him out to be a bad guy etc.. It’s extremely frustrating to even try to communicate my feelings to him, because I get shut down by him and I usually end up feeling worse then I just shut down. His way of communicating his feelings, is to yell & call me inexcusable names etc.. then act like it never happened, and of course no apology.

 

[Sparagmos]

Not good AT ALL! I often don’t tell him my feelings because if it involves something he did, he turns on the defense mechanism, he thinks I’m automatically putting him down, trying to make him out to be a bad guy etc.. It’s extremely frustrating to even try to communicate my feelings to him, because I get shut down by him and I usually end up feeling worse then I just shut down. His way of communicating his feelings, is to yell & call me inexcusable names etc.. then act like it never happened, and of course no apology.

So...why are you putting up with this? It sounds horrible.

 

[Keeping on keeping on]

So...why are you putting up with this? It sounds horrible.

I love the good in him. I try to keep my energy focused on the good he has, which is a lot. Someone told me today that you in a God’s eyes, He does what God asks of him, he works, he provides for his family, he is home every night. I am 100% percent certain that he was not promiscuously flirting with this woman, I’ve met her, she is about 10 years older & not anyone I feel threatened by, if I had the slightest gut feeling this was potentially leading to infidelity, our marriage would be over, that’s an ABSOLUTE deal breaker. God brought us together for a reason and we’ve been through so much trauma together, two of our children had passed away, we’ve weathered so many storms together. I love him with all of my heart & soul, I just wish he could step away from his ego & look in from anyone else’s perspective. I pray & I pray. The good is great, but the bad is just so bad. I find myself clinging to the good, grasping on because I know it’s there. It’s hard to just up & walk away, I’m loyal & probably foolish for trying so hard & thinking he’ll change but I’m just not ready to throw it away. Becoming closer, but not yet there.

 

[Sparagmos]

I love the good in him. I try to keep my energy focused on the good he has, which is a lot. Someone told me today that you in a God’s eyes, He does what God asks of him, he works, he provides for his family, he is home every night. I am 100% percent certain that he was not promiscuously flirting with this woman, I’ve met her, she is about 10 years older & not anyone I feel threatened by, if I had the slightest gut feeling this was potentially leading to infidelity, our marriage would be over, that’s an ABSOLUTE deal breaker. God brought us together for a reason and we’ve been through so much trauma together, two of our children had passed away, we’ve weathered so many storms together. I love him with all of my heart & soul, I just wish he could step away from his ego & look in from anyone else’s perspective. I pray & I pray. The good is great, but the bad is just so bad. I find myself clinging to the good, grasping on because I know it’s there. It’s hard to just up & walk away, I’m loyal & probably foolish for trying so hard & thinking he’ll change but I’m just not ready to throw it away. Becoming closer, but not yet there.

It’s extremely frustrating to even try to communicate my feelings to him, because I get shut down by him and I usually end up feeling worse then I just shut down. His way of communicating his feelings, is to yell & call me inexcusable names etc.. then act like it never happened, and of course no apology.

That doesn’t sound loving at all. That sounds like verbal/emotional abuse.

 

[Ana the Ist]

Not good AT ALL! I often don’t tell him my feelings because if it involves something he did, he turns on the defense mechanism, he thinks I’m automatically putting him down, trying to make him out to be a bad guy etc.. It’s extremely frustrating to even try to communicate my feelings to him, because I get shut down by him and I usually end up feeling worse then I just shut down. His way of communicating his feelings, is to yell & call me inexcusable names etc.. then act like it never happened, and of course no apology.

Right...well, you're going to get plenty of people suggesting that you should try to seek professional advice/therapy/counseling etc. There's nothing wrong with that...it can help.

I tend to think of us men as fairly simple minded creatures...at least when it comes to relationships. Is there something he really really likes or values or desires? It could be a couple of hours to watch the game with his feet up and have a beer, could be playing with his toys, could be...something else. You know him better than us.

So, in a non-confrontational way, when he's relaxed and comfortable...start small. Little questions about him, how he feels, what he thinks, those things he doesn't talk about. When he takes those steps, he gets that thing he likes so much.

That's an imperfect way of describing a process. It's not always going to work out that way...it's not always going to work. You want to start slow with things he's comfortable with sharing...maybe even things you already know about him. The important things are that he's sharing things are that about him...his thoughts, feelings, experiences, relationships...you're not really looking for politics, religion, hobbies and interests...more interpersonal type of stuff. He doesn't share feelings, but you aren't going to ask. Instead, you're going to share those things about yourself which are relatable to what he's talking about. You don't want to be judgmental, you don't want to shame or guilt him. You want this to be a positive experience, you want him to know how much you appreciate him for sharing these things about himself.

Some might look at this as emotional manipulation, but I don't. It's probably better looked at as teaching your husband a skill...one that he might not understand the value of. When you understand why people feel the way they do...the way they did before...what they're thinking when they feel that way...then it becomes easier to understand how they will feel about things like "text messages".

I don't really know a way to trust people completely without understanding them in this way...so that's probably the best advice I can give.

 

[maintenance man]

Am I overreacting??!??

I don't know. It may be all in fun.

The bigger question is why are the two of you in this battle?

From my limited perspective, he wants something from you that he's not getting.
You want something from him that you're not getting.

If the two of you figure out what those things are and begin supplying them to each other things will change.

Beyond that, I'm praying for both of you.

 

[Endeavourer]

It is likely he is already in an affair with "Dirty Diana", emotional if not physical.

You need to do some investigating (without asking him) to confirm whether that is the case. If you ask, they will just take it under ground better. Don't let on that you are still suspicious.

There are some great pros at helping spouses detect and break up affairs at the guidance forum at marriagebuilders.com

That site is monitored by a very successful Christian marriage counselor who has studied the nuts and bolts of how affairs start, how to break them up and how to recover your marriage so you are more in love and happier than before.

This is a critical time. Quietly dig around to find out what is really going on so you can put together a plan for next steps. Marriagebuilders.com can help you.

 

[Endeavourer]

I’ve met her, she is about 10 years older & not anyone I feel threatened by

You know this makes no difference, right? If they spend enough time meeting each other's emotional needs they will start falling in love with each other. Appearance and age is immaterial. As long as its their little secret they are living in a rosy world of fantasies.

Additionally, people tend to affair down. Think about, what kind of people are selfish enough to poach another woman's husband and break up her home and the children's family? Not exactly the cream of the crop.

This has nothing to do with whether he's having an affair and in fact, makes it even more likely.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

The relationship with Dirty Diana may or may not be a problem. My husband has female friends, and I have male friends. Neither one of us would suspect the other of having an affair, just for being friendly. (Open innuendos are another matter. We don't flirt with our opposite-sex friends. Also, the double standard is a red flag. If he and Diana can smiley-face with each other, what's wrong with you sending a smiley face to someone?)

The verbal abuse is a BIG issue. Please look into counseling, either through your church or through the local mental health system. If he won't go with you, go by yourself, before he does any more damage to your self-esteem. I know you already have self-esteem issues, or you wouldn't be putting up with him talking to you that way.

 

[Endeavourer]

Because of this:

he had wrote “Thanks Dirty D lol” her name is Diana & he was referencing her pet name as Dirty Diana, like the Michael Jackson song. She responded with a Lol & a couple blushing smiley emojis. This literally made my blood boil! I asked why did he think this was ok?!? He had exploded on me, threatened to leave me, told me I was mentally retarded for being mad.

I sense it is already an affair.

Her husband is putting his affinity for Dirty Diana before you, his wife, and even threatened to leave you, his wife if he couldn't continue flirting with Dirty Diana. This has all the markings of an affair. An affair is an addiction, and wayward spouses - against ALL common sense - put their addiction ahead of their families, their societal roots and everything they have built in their lives.

A husband who is not in an affair and is asked to stop flirting dirty with another woman by his wife, would immediately stop flirting dirty and take every precaution to not disrespect and upset their wife any further. They would NOT protect their dirty flirting by exploding on you, threatening to leave you and calling you mentally retarded. Can you see the difference here?

He's facing divorce, losing 1/2 of his assets, hurting any children he has and the shame of his family, your family, your friends and any church you attend knowing he threw away his family just for some moments between the sheets with another woman if he continues to flirt with her, and yet he's ready to face all of that and walk out on you to keep this relationship with Dirty Diana going.

For these reasons I disagree with the others who are saying this relationship might not be a problem. Your husband has emphatically (and hatefully) already told you that if he has to make a choice between the two of you, he picks Dirty Diana.

 

[barefeetonholyground]

Nothing about this is ok.
Your jealousy about his behavior towards this woman is completely reasonable because he's talking to her in a manner he should only talk toward you with.
You two need to talk about emotional boundaries.
You don't want this leading toward an emotional affair, or toward coworkers questioning his devotion to you.

 

[Deidre32]

I will back away from my usual advice of ''leave him and don't look back,'' to it has been said that we tend to treat those closest to us, the worst. I mean, we shouldn't. But, if we are all honest here, we sometimes snap and fight with our loved ones, friends, family, etc more so than strangers or coworkers. We fear getting fired, so we wouldn't do that. lol I'm wondering if the loss of your kids, has caused some of this in your husband, OP. Not making excuses for him, his behavior is abusive, but I can imagine that the loss of two children would be very painful, and men deal with pain differently. He needs help. You need therapy, too. And lots of prayer. He must know though, that flirting with women is really not a good thing, when married. He might feel sorry for her in a way, and call her ''dirty diana'' as an office joke, I'm not sure. That's kind of weird, to be honest.

But, I'd give each other space, and talk it out.

Gosh, what's happening to me?