Weird ex-boyfriend

[Alenci]

This post is 15% fever-induced delirious rant, 10% pleading question, and 75% pointless musing and observation.

Funny how dating brings out both the best and the worst in people. My ex seems to have two faces. For most of the period that I was dating him, he was a real sweet, uplifting guy. He would tell you (as would I, his parents, and most of his friends) that he has the spiritual gift of encouragement.

He praised my values. He also got the idea from somewhere that I had a "shell" and became obsessed with trying to get me to come out of it. He would praise me when I'd try new things like going skiing or shooting. (Personally I was thrilled at the new experiences. From my limited experience, I like the outdoors, I like travel, and I consider myself an adventurous person.) He also thought I needed more confidence and more friends. He would praise me when he thought I was doing stuff right.

After a while, he stopped singing my praises and starting nitpicking. He didn't criticize per say, but he became cold and distant. He would say things in a hurtful tone of voice over something silly like me not wanting to light a match. He virtually stopped calling me for about a month and then he broke up with me.

The odd thing is, I never get to see this sort of behavior around other people. Just the other day, one of my friends told someone, "He's one of the best-spirited people you'll ever meet. I've never seen him have a bad day." He is funny, upbeat, and encouraging. He does sweet things like walking a female friend back to the door of her residence hall that he never did for me, even when we were dating. That's not to say that he hasn't done some sweet things last semester since breaking up with me, like bringing over a textbook or cough drops or offering to give me a ride to the grocery store or borrow his bike. But I definitely feel left out in the cold.

For example, yesterday I was sick and reclining on a couch at our Christian campus ministry's house. He threw a mini-brownie in a plastic sleeve at me while eating his lunch. It hit me in the side. I woke up from my dazed stupor and heard him saying something about the remote, so I pulled myself up and started to look for it, assuming he wanted me to find it. What he actually wanted was to give me the other brownie. I was sort of touched. Then in retrospect, I mused about how sad it was that I was touched that my ex-boyfriend threw a brownie at me.

Then today I came back from lunch and curled up on the couch. He and one of my girl friends were leaving for class. She stroked my hair and told me she hoped I felt better. He kicked the bottom of my shoe. It kind of jarred me. I wondered if it was supposed to be a masculine expression of sympathy.

Yet again today I called him to tell him I couldn't come to an event that I and one of my friends had been planning, and which I had asked him to announce at the mens' prayer breakfast on Saturday. I told him I have a fever, and I'm discouraged because today is Friday and I have engineering exams on Monday and Thursday. I was hoping for a few words of encouragement or at least some sympathy. But I didn't even get to ask him to pray for me. All he said was, "Oh, sorry. Hope you feel better. I've gotta go. Bye." [Me: "Okay, bye." End of call.] There was no warmth in his voice whatsoever. It kind of bothered me.

He's too kind to others and occasionally to me to ever call a jerk. But would it kill him to be a little friendlier? I'm unsettled by his weird, bipolar behavior.

 

[Im_A]

This post is 15% fever-induced delirious rant, 10% pleading question, and 75% pointless musing and observation.

Funny how dating brings out both the best and the worst in people. My ex seems to have two faces. For most of the period that I was dating him, he was a real sweet, uplifting guy. He would tell you (as would I, his parents, and most of his friends) that he has the spiritual gift of encouragement.

He praised my values. He also got the idea from somewhere that I had a "shell" and became obsessed with trying to get me to come out of it. He would praise me when I'd try new things like going skiing or shooting. (Personally I was thrilled at the new experiences. From my limited experience, I like the outdoors, I like travel, and I consider myself an adventurous person.) He also thought I needed more confidence and more friends. He would praise me when he thought I was doing stuff right.

After a while, he stopped singing my praises and starting nitpicking. He didn't criticize per say, but he became cold and distant. He would say things in a hurtful tone of voice over something silly like me not wanting to light a match. He virtually stopped calling me for about a month and then he broke up with me.

The odd thing is, I never get to see this sort of behavior around other people. Just the other day, one of my friends told someone, "He's one of the best-spirited people you'll ever meet. I've never seen him have a bad day." He is funny, upbeat, and encouraging. He does sweet things like walking a female friend back to the door of her residence hall that he never did for me, even when we were dating. That's not to say that he hasn't done some sweet things last semester since breaking up with me, like bringing over a textbook or cough drops or offering to give me a ride to the grocery store or borrow his bike. But I definitely feel left out in the cold.

For example, yesterday I was sick and reclining on a couch at our Christian campus ministry's house. He threw a mini-brownie in a plastic sleeve at me while eating his lunch. It hit me in the side. I woke up from my dazed stupor and heard him saying something about the remote, so I pulled myself up and started to look for it, assuming he wanted me to find it. What he actually wanted was to give me the other brownie. I was sort of touched. Then in retrospect, I mused about how sad it was that I was touched that my ex-boyfriend threw a brownie at me.

Then today I came back from lunch and curled up on the couch. He and one of my girl friends were leaving for class. She stroked my hair and told me she hoped I felt better. He kicked the bottom of my shoe. It kind of jarred me. I wondered if it was supposed to be a masculine expression of sympathy.

Yet again today I called him to tell him I couldn't come to an event that I and one of my friends had been planning, and which I had asked him to announce at the mens' prayer breakfast on Saturday. I told him I have a fever, and I'm discouraged because today is Friday and I have engineering exams on Monday and Thursday. I was hoping for a few words of encouragement or at least some sympathy. But I didn't even get to ask him to pray for me. All he said was, "Oh, sorry. Hope you feel better. I've gotta go. Bye." [Me: "Okay, bye." End of call.] There was no warmth in his voice whatsoever. It kind of bothered me.

He's too kind to others and occasionally to me to ever call a jerk. But would it kill him to be a little friendlier? I'm unsettled by his weird, bipolar behavior.

i'm not justifying his actions here by any means but i just wonder if it is the confliction of breaking up (even tho i don't know what happened). us guys are not good at dealing with breakups, no matter how good we may be.

 

[~HopeFloats~]

I hear ya,ex are troubling.

Most of his behaviour in most cases is just a defense mechanism.

 

[Im_A]

I hear ya,ex are troubling.

Most of his behaviour in most cases is just a defense mechanism.

i agree with this. us guys are very defensive, and maybe many of us do not how to deal with things too well so we resort to these types of defense mechanisms. i've been guilty of it too.

it passes in time. how long? depends on the guy and actually what happened in your relationship to split you two up. but it always passes. it is merely a season.

 

[Alenci]

That's interesting, what you all have said. Does it change things if I tell you he broke up with me over six months ago?

 

[mina]

It sounds like he doesn't know how to deal with the break up. I would try to distance myself from him- it's hard to see and be around your ex on a daily basis. If it were me I wouldn't call him or hang out with him. It sounds like you both have the same friends and are involved in the same things ; that's really hard. I wouldn't be able to do it.

 

[ImperialPhantom]

That's interesting, what you all have said. Does it change things if I tell you he broke up with me over six months ago?

Nobody here got it completely right. I'm gonna break it down for you, cuz I've been in his shoes before. I've been that guy, though I've grown up and I no longer am that guy.

I saw this coming right after you started talking about his constant desire to change you. This would NOT be happening if he wasn't constantly trying to change you. Somewhere along the line, the constant attempts at that became a habit that was hard to break, and turned into a form of control, which led to the cold distantness. That became his automatic reaction even after the breakup, and he still resents you because he felt you didn't change enough for him.

Keep in mind, none of the above has to do with anything YOU did wrong, necessarily. I'd say run fast when a guy shows signs of trying to change everything about you in the future, though.

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

I think ImperialPhantom brought up some good points and I also think Mina had some good advice about not calling your ex or hanging out with him.

 

[Bubba1301]

Let me begin by saying that in regards to dealing with our emotions... us men are stupid. I will be the first to admit that even the best and brightest of us fall when it comes to dealing with the combination of our emotions and you ladies..... just look at some of the "great men" of the Bible - Solomon, Samson, David and on and on.

It sounds to me like he still wants to maintain a friendship, but is unable to mentally get around the path. Some of the actions almost sound like things us guys do to each other for humor and other "manly" ways of displaying affection for each other. He may be trying to treat you like "one of the guys" in an attempt to deal with the break up... the conflict come in when he tries this, but knows that you are not just "one of the guys". In that confusion, I think is where most of our (men) struggles come... we need to learn a different method of dealing, but we're too stubborn to ask for direction on this matter

Also, with Mr. Phantom's remarks, just try to keep your head about you, and remember that you are your own person, property only of God.

 

[PassionateOne]

Nobody here got it completely right. I'm gonna break it down for you, cuz I've been in his shoes before. I've been that guy, though I've grown up and I no longer am that guy.

I saw this coming right after you started talking about his constant desire to change you. This would NOT be happening if he wasn't constantly trying to change you. Somewhere along the line, the constant attempts at that became a habit that was hard to break, and turned into a form of control, which led to the cold distantness. That became his automatic reaction even after the breakup, and he still resents you because he felt you didn't change enough for him.

Keep in mind, none of the above has to do with anything YOU did wrong, necessarily. I'd say run fast when a guy shows signs of trying to change everything about you in the future, though.

WOW!!! So smart for only being 22!

I, 100% agree! Sounds like he has some 'control issues' and issues he needs to work on within himself and he is NOT treating you nicely (then or now).

 

[Alenci]

It's hard to say. I wouldn't have pegged him as one with control issues. Especially not after giving his opinions on gentleness in leadership. More like one whose manly urge to "fix things" ran amok. It seemed like he blew my problems out of proportion and then tried to remedy them. Even when I came to him with problems, he'd give advice and try to solve them instead of just listening. Most women hate that. Unfortunately, I liked it. I usually value the advice of others, and in this case his attention made me feel loved. I should have stopped him earlier. After a while, he just wore himself out trying to fix problems that didn't even exist and which he had no business trying to fix in the first place. Before I even agreed to be in a relationship, he stated as one of his objectives in knowing me, to "help [me] to learn to open up and not be so self consious [sic]." That's nice and altruistic, but in retrospect I question its place in a relationship. After we broke up, he stated at one point, "I put nine months into it and I was tired."

 

[Alenci]

It sounds like he doesn't know how to deal with the break up. I would try to distance myself from him- it's hard to see and be around your ex on a daily basis. If it were me I wouldn't call him or hang out with him. It sounds like you both have the same friends and are involved in the same things ; that's really hard. I wouldn't be able to do it.

I agree. I ought to distance myself. But it's hard to distance myself and heal when I never fully came to terms with his breaking up with me. I know he always used to pray about us and I trust his spiritual discernment, but God's will is confusing to me in this matter and it is hard not to love such a godly guy who is everything I want in a husband.

I've been struggling with the process of healing. Perhaps I need to distance myself for the sake of clarity, and I need the clarity to understand, and I need the understanding to heal.

I had sort of assumed I could heal without distance. I had definitely assumed I was meant to heal in spite of my fog of confusion. I was beginning to think I wasn't meant to understand. But perhaps I was wrong. I have not felt called to distance myself, but perhaps it is just a choice I am expected to make in order to seek God's will.

 

[Gardener101]

This post is 15% fever-induced delirious rant, 10% pleading question, and 75% pointless musing and observation.

Funny how dating brings out both the best and the worst in people. My ex seems to have two faces. For most of the period that I was dating him, he was a real sweet, uplifting guy. He would tell you (as would I, his parents, and most of his friends) that he has the spiritual gift of encouragement.

He praised my values. He also got the idea from somewhere that I had a "shell" and became obsessed with trying to get me to come out of it. He would praise me when I'd try new things like going skiing or shooting. (Personally I was thrilled at the new experiences. From my limited experience, I like the outdoors, I like travel, and I consider myself an adventurous person.) He also thought I needed more confidence and more friends. He would praise me when he thought I was doing stuff right.

After a while, he stopped singing my praises and starting nitpicking. He didn't criticize per say, but he became cold and distant. He would say things in a hurtful tone of voice over something silly like me not wanting to light a match. He virtually stopped calling me for about a month and then he broke up with me.

The odd thing is, I never get to see this sort of behavior around other people. Just the other day, one of my friends told someone, "He's one of the best-spirited people you'll ever meet. I've never seen him have a bad day." He is funny, upbeat, and encouraging. He does sweet things like walking a female friend back to the door of her residence hall that he never did for me, even when we were dating. That's not to say that he hasn't done some sweet things last semester since breaking up with me, like bringing over a textbook or cough drops or offering to give me a ride to the grocery store or borrow his bike. But I definitely feel left out in the cold.

For example, yesterday I was sick and reclining on a couch at our Christian campus ministry's house. He threw a mini-brownie in a plastic sleeve at me while eating his lunch. It hit me in the side. I woke up from my dazed stupor and heard him saying something about the remote, so I pulled myself up and started to look for it, assuming he wanted me to find it. What he actually wanted was to give me the other brownie. I was sort of touched. Then in retrospect, I mused about how sad it was that I was touched that my ex-boyfriend threw a brownie at me.

Then today I came back from lunch and curled up on the couch. He and one of my girl friends were leaving for class. She stroked my hair and told me she hoped I felt better. He kicked the bottom of my shoe. It kind of jarred me. I wondered if it was supposed to be a masculine expression of sympathy.

Yet again today I called him to tell him I couldn't come to an event that I and one of my friends had been planning, and which I had asked him to announce at the mens' prayer breakfast on Saturday. I told him I have a fever, and I'm discouraged because today is Friday and I have engineering exams on Monday and Thursday. I was hoping for a few words of encouragement or at least some sympathy. But I didn't even get to ask him to pray for me. All he said was, "Oh, sorry. Hope you feel better. I've gotta go. Bye." [Me: "Okay, bye." End of call.] There was no warmth in his voice whatsoever. It kind of bothered me.

He's too kind to others and occasionally to me to ever call a jerk. But would it kill him to be a little friendlier? I'm unsettled by his weird, bipolar behavior.

See the highlighted bits in red.

This is why I say you should always be suspicious of a guy who puts you on a pedestal within a few dates. A pedestal is a narrow place to be and the height from which you might fall makes it even more dangerous. Reason number 187 why I do not appreciate men who don't know me saying "I love you, you're perfect!"


Anyway, just ignore him, let him continue to fool other people with his 'spirit of encouragement'.



Hope you get better soon hun.

 

[Alenci]

See the highlighted bits in red.

This is why I say you should always be suspicious of a guy who puts you on a pedestal within a few dates. A pedestal is a narrow place to be and the height from which you might fall makes it even more dangerous. Reason number 187 why I do not appreciate men who don't know me saying "I love you, you're perfect!"

Well thankfully he never said any of that and he praised me for what he perceived were real reasons. But he definitely had me on a bit of a pedestal for my values.

Anyway, just ignore him, let him continue to fool other people with his 'spirit of encouragement'.

I find that hurtful. I do not believe he is fooling anyone.

Hope you get better soon hun.

Thank you.

 

[Im_A]

That's interesting, what you all have said. Does it change things if I tell you he broke up with me over six months ago?

the only thing it changes for me is, why do you want to hang out with him after 6 months have passed from him breaking up with you? and why is he hanging out with you when he broke up 6 months ago?

i don't mean that offensively to you or anything but if there's anything i have learned (even in my current situation i'm slowly learning this) is if someone broke up with you for whatever reason, and after several months there is no reconcilation for the better, there comes a time to reconcile it once and for all and get them out of your life, because being around/having contact with someone that gave up on you and the relationship is not a healthy thing for one to do.

 

[Alenci]

the only thing it changes for me is, why do you want to hang out with him after 6 months have passed from him breaking up with you? and why is he hanging out with you when he broke up 6 months ago?

i don't mean that offensively to you or anything but if there's anything i have learned (even in my current situation i'm slowly learning this) is if someone broke up with you for whatever reason, and after several months there is no reconcilation for the better, there comes a time to reconcile it once and for all and get them out of your life, because being around/having contact with someone that gave up on you and the relationship is not a healthy thing for one to do.

I just can't reconcile my mind around the fact that he broke up with me over reasons that don't make sense and wouldn't even give me another chance. He just terminated it. There was no discussion. And he wouldn't even tell me for months why. I tried to blame myself for a long time for his drawing away, but very recently I realized that the problems were probably more on his end than mine. I have plenty of friends, plenty of confidence, and I am more positive than I ever have been. In fact, in all of that, I was even strengthened during our dating. So I'm not sure where his misguided ideas came from (ideas including such ridiculous notions as me being embarrassed when he looked at my face). I would never actively do anything to try to get us back together (and, get this, he made me promise not to), but I would like him to see me as I feel I really am, with my delusions of inadequacy shed.

I don't mean to be disrespectful to him, but I'm convinced his reasons, as I understood them, don't stand up. I feel like he made an erroneous judgment and, based on that judgment, cut me off in the most complete way possible without refusing to speak to me. If, at the time, I had had the perspective on all of this that I have now, I would have talked to him about the reasons behind his discontent. But I didn't know what to say at the time. At I let that opportunity to speak slip through my fingers.

I'm just frustrated. Can anyone relate? I know it might come off as a bit presumptuous, but I just feel like a few heart to heart conversations could clear these silly misunderstandings up. There were so many things I wanted to say before he broke up with me, but I never voiced those thoughts, because I figured that if I acknowledged his discontent and his coldness had actually been unrelated to any discontent with me or the relationship, he would have considered it lack of confidence. It turns out my worries about his discontent didn't reflect a lack of confidence on my part... they were valid concerns. I should have addressed the misunderstandings while I could. Now I can't talk to him about us.

I know I need to be patient and leave all of it in God's hands. It is not that I am tempted to try to take control of the situation, because clearly my own efforts to remedy our relationship would only push him away. It is that when I have the security of knowing it is in God's hands I can let go of my pain, longings, and regrets.

 

[Gardener101]

I just can't reconcile my mind around the fact that he broke up with me over reasons that don't make sense and wouldn't even give me another chance. He just terminated it. There was no discussion. And he wouldn't even tell me for months why. I tried to blame myself for a long time for his drawing away, but very recently I realized that the problems were probably more on his end than mine. I have plenty of friends, plenty of confidence, and I am more positive than I ever have been. In fact, in all of that, I was even strengthened during our dating. So I'm not sure where his misguided ideas came from (ideas including such ridiculous notions as me being embarrassed when he looked at my face). I would never actively do anything to try to get us back together (and, get this, he made me promise not to), but I would like him to see me as I feel I really am, with my delusions of inadequacy shed.

I don't mean to be disrespectful to him, but I'm convinced his reasons, as I understood them, don't stand up. I feel like he made an erroneous judgment and, based on that judgment, cut me off in the most complete way possible without refusing to speak to me. If, at the time, I had had the perspective on all of this that I have now, I would have talked to him about the reasons behind his discontent. But I didn't know what to say at the time. At I let that opportunity to speak slip through my fingers.

I'm just frustrated. Can anyone relate? I know it might come off as a bit presumptuous, but I just feel like a few heart to heart conversations could clear these silly misunderstandings up. There were so many things I wanted to say before he broke up with me, but I never voiced those thoughts, because I figured that if I acknowledged his discontent and his coldness had actually been unrelated to any discontent with me or the relationship, he would have considered it lack of confidence. It turns out my worries about his discontent didn't reflect a lack of confidence on my part... they were valid concerns. I should have addressed the misunderstandings while I could. Now I can't talk to him about us.

I know I need to be patient and leave all of it in God's hands. It is not that I am tempted to try to take control of the situation, because clearly my own efforts to remedy our relationship would only push him away. It is that when I have the security of knowing it is in God's hands I can let go of my pain, longings, and regrets.

Seriously, do you want to be in a relationship with a guy that handles misunderstandings that way?

You would end up old and grey before your time, and that's if you even have any hair left.

Just my 2 cents.

 

[Im_A]

That's interesting, what you all have said. Does it change things if I tell you he broke up with me over six months ago?

I just can't reconcile my mind around the fact that he broke up with me over reasons that don't make sense and wouldn't even give me another chance. He just terminated it. There was no discussion. And he wouldn't even tell me for months why. I tried to blame myself for a long time for his drawing away, but very recently I realized that the problems were probably more on his end than mine. I have plenty of friends, plenty of confidence, and I am more positive than I ever have been. In fact, in all of that, I was even strengthened during our dating. So I'm not sure where his misguided ideas came from (ideas including such ridiculous notions as me being embarrassed when he looked at my face). I would never actively do anything to try to get us back together (and, get this, he made me promise not to), but I would like him to see me as I feel I really am, with my delusions of inadequacy shed.

I don't mean to be disrespectful to him, but I'm convinced his reasons, as I understood them, don't stand up. I feel like he made an erroneous judgment and, based on that judgment, cut me off in the most complete way possible without refusing to speak to me. If, at the time, I had had the perspective on all of this that I have now, I would have talked to him about the reasons behind his discontent. But I didn't know what to say at the time. At I let that opportunity to speak slip through my fingers.

I'm just frustrated. Can anyone relate? I know it might come off as a bit presumptuous, but I just feel like a few heart to heart conversations could clear these silly misunderstandings up. There were so many things I wanted to say before he broke up with me, but I never voiced those thoughts, because I figured that if I acknowledged his discontent and his coldness had actually been unrelated to any discontent with me or the relationship, he would have considered it lack of confidence. It turns out my worries about his discontent didn't reflect a lack of confidence on my part... they were valid concerns. I should have addressed the misunderstandings while I could. Now I can't talk to him about us.

I know I need to be patient and leave all of it in God's hands. It is not that I am tempted to try to take control of the situation, because clearly my own efforts to remedy our relationship would only push him away. It is that when I have the security of knowing it is in God's hands I can let go of my pain, longings, and regrets.

i'm sorry to hear about all of this.

i don't think you can pinpoint back it to yourself that you should have talked about everything with him. do you really think any kind of reasoning would have done any good, especially with his discontentment? as far as i'm concerned, reason cannot break through discontentment a lot of the time.

and maybe you could be thankful that you didn't put your heart on your sleeve towards him? in a certain breakup, i fought ruthlessly to keep everything together, because the reason for the breakup was nothing i could understand or see as logical (still don't.) it was and still is erroneous judgement.

but at least you didn't give your heart out on a sleeve tho. at least you didn't fight a battle that isn't worth fighting, or at least from what you've mentioned about the situation, i personally see nothing worth fighting for, as i have realized in my own situation. when someone is willing to throw everything away for nothing reasonable, that's when i think at least it's time to walk away. spare your own heart and all that. just my opinion tho

i can't stay on too long and i can write more tomorrow, time to get ready for work, but one thing that helped me out was to pray for God to reconcile the situation however God sees fit. i'm not going to say that God has answered my other prayer request, but this one, when one is ready for a prayer such as, just seems to be powerful. i suppose it's kind of like giving up. and it helps t get your heart humble to see things outside of the love shared, or whatever else that can make our vision blurry in making sense of everything.

i'll try to write more in the morning.

God Bless you!

 

[ImperialPhantom]

It's hard to say. I wouldn't have pegged him as one with control issues. Especially not after giving his opinions on gentleness in leadership. More like one whose manly urge to "fix things" ran amok. It seemed like he blew my problems out of proportion and then tried to remedy them. Even when I came to him with problems, he'd give advice and try to solve them instead of just listening. Most women hate that. Unfortunately, I liked it. I usually value the advice of others, and in this case his attention made me feel loved. I should have stopped him earlier. After a while, he just wore himself out trying to fix problems that didn't even exist and which he had no business trying to fix in the first place. Before I even agreed to be in a relationship, he stated as one of his objectives in knowing me, to "help [me] to learn to open up and not be so self consious [sic]." That's nice and altruistic, but in retrospect I question its place in a relationship. After we broke up, he stated at one point, "I put nine months into it and I was tired."

He can give his opinions on gentleness on leadership all he wants, but it is what it is. He felt from your early exchanges when you asked for his advice on stuff, that that meant you liked him telling you how to be, so he took it too far and began giving it unsolicited, then more and more and more. It is in fact a control issue - he was addicted to the desire to control who you are. He practically made this blatant with that "help you to open up and not be so self conscious" comment. That was a red flag signalling to run away.

 

[Alenci]

Right now I'm just sort of harmlessly amused.

This guy in our college group sits with me a lot at church and at the house on campus during the weekdays. He talks with me and thinks I'm funny. He seems like a good guy though I'm not interested in dating anyone right now. I'm not for sure if he likes me or if he's just being his friendly self. I've warned him off a couple of times by expressing my anti-dating sentiments, so either he's real dumb, real persistant, or just wants to be friends.

Apparently my ex must think he likes me, because my ex gets possessive around him. It is real funny. One week in class at church he came and sat down next to me and my ex got up and sat down on the other side (my ex is friends with him, so why didn't he sit next to him instead of me?). The next week we sat the same way. Today this guy came and sat down next to me and my ex came over to talk to him. And he stood behind me with his hands on the back of my chair. I was about to bust out laughing.

I'd never do anything to make him jealous, but since my best efforts have been ineffectual in changing the situation, I guess I may as well find the humor in it. It's not like he's crying himself to sleep every night.