I waver. Jesus does not waver.
Jesus said, “Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.”
I know that unless one is born again, they are heading for hell. “What does it profit a man to gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? Or, what can a man give in exchange for his soul?” Knowing this, I have repeatedly set out on a quest to be saved, to enter the kingdom of God. Sometimes, I think I have made it. Other times, I’m not so sure.
I have repeatedly decided to set all my concerns aside, and seek to be saved by Jesus, to enter the kingdom of heaven. I can so sincerely ask Christ to save me, to apparently surrender to Him. I have done this so many times, that I sometimes figure, “At one of those moments of sincerity, Christ saved me. I poured my heart out to Him, asked Him, sincerely, to take me, and sincerely submitted to Him. Therefore, I am His and He will not let me go.” But, one of my big problems is, I have wavering faith. I can, I think, sincerely surrender to Christ for a second or two, then immediately switch back into faithlessness/self on the throne. On the one hand, it’s hard for me to believe that one who submits to Christ for only one or two seconds at a time, then wavers away, is a real Christian. OTOH, I think that a moment of sincere surrender is long enough for Him to save a person.
I not only seek to enter the kingdom of God, but I also have selfish, worldly ambitions. I have an idea for an invention which may or may not work. If it is workable, someone else my patent it before I manage to. Or I may not have the resources – especially time – to bring the invention to fruition. If the invention is workable, and I, with God’s help, bring it to fruition, then I may be set up in very desirable, worldly circumstance. If it is not workable for me, I have a backup plan to start a business doing something else. My intent is to make money and support myself, and maybe support others, either way.
I also like to write. I have been working on a Christian novel. The novel is of secondary importance to me, compared to the invention. Still, I am into it.
I am aware of my selfish ambition, my selfish motives. As to the invention, I want people to say, “Look at that brilliant guy and his invention! If such a smart and accomplished man believes in the gospel of Jesus Christ, then we should, too. That man is leading science and scientists back to Christ!´ As to the novel, I want people to say, “That great Christian novelist! Right up there with CS Lewis and JRR Tolkein! He is leading us to Christ!”
I have a book of daily devotionals by Oswald Chambers, called “My Utmost for His Highest.” In the reading for today, November 10, he says:
“As long as you have…any set ambition, you cannot get through into identification with God’s interests. You can only get there by losing for ever any idea of yourself and by letting God take you right out into His purpose for the world, and because your goings are of the Lord, you can never understand your ways.
“I have to learn that the aim in life is God’s, not mine. God is using me from His great personal standpoint, and all he asks of me is that I trust Him, and never say – Lord, this gives me such heart-ache. To talk that way makes me a clog. When I stop telling God what I want, He can catch me up for what He wants without let or hindrance. He can crumple me up or exalt me, He can do anything He chooses. He simply asks me to have implicit faith in Himself and in His goodness. Self-pity is of the devil, if I go off on that line, I cannot be used by God for His purpose in the world. I have a ‘world within the world’ in which I live, and God will never be able to get me outside it because I am afraid of being frost-bitten.”
I waver. I have done it a number of times this morning alone. I can decide, nothing matters but being saved. As long as I am saved, whatever happens after that is unimportant. In thinking like that, I can sincerely seek to meet with Jesus and to surrender to Him. At least, for a couple seconds. Before I recently, at least temporarily, have gotten assurance of salvation, to the point where I have formally committed to my projects and to preparing for future life with my girlfriend (whom I led to Christ, but, then, did I come to Christ?), I have, on a number of occasions, decided: nothing else matters but being saved. I am not going to proceed with anything until I am saved and know it. Then I have set out to enter the kingdom of God in sincerity. This usually culminates with me being sure I am saved, sure I have entered kingdom of God, sure I belong to Jesus. This assurance lasts anywhere from seconds to days. But, once I am sure I am saved, I recommence my projects. Officially, my projects are to glorify God and lead people to Christ. Unofficially, my projects are for my own glory. The projects easily become an idol, and in making them an idol, I am really worshipping myself. I get to work on the invention, thinking, this is really neat. If I can pull this off, I can not only glorify God (my invention idea is astronomy-related and astronomy brings glory to God) but I will be glorified and I will make enough income. If this invention plan does not work out, I will be heart-broken.
Then I can read Oswald Chambers and be paralyzed by guilt.
I don’t suppose I am alone in this wavering. Non-Christians may waver between doing what they think is right (“There is a way which seems right to a man but the end thereof are the ways of death”) and doing what they want. Christians can waver between following their new, Christlike nature and following their old, Adamic nature. They can waver back and forth between living for themselves and living for the Lord.
To have a wavering faith and to have religious OCD, like me, is to be caught in the perfect storm. No wonder I have done nothing but seek salvation for over ten years before recently deciding I am saved and can proceed with my projects and with future plans for my girlfriend and I! No wonder, reading Oswald Chambers can throw me for a loop!
A person with OCD, such as me, can take such a long time at personal hygiene that it is doubtful he has time to do much productivity. I repeatedly try to plan out my life, taking my OCD and its long procedures into account. This leads to significant doubt I can make my life and my plans work. But then, I possibly should not be following my own plans in the first place. Christians say to God, “Your will be done, not mine.” I can sincerely say that for moments. Then I am right back with my plans. Then I doubt I’m saved. Then I seek salvation full time and full-heartedly. Then I think I am saved. Then I proceed with my plans briefly, while the assurance of salvation lasts. Then the assurance goes away and I revert to seeking assurance, full time. It’s a non-ending cycle.
I waver. Will Jesus save someone who wavers?
Jesus said, “Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.”
I know that unless one is born again, they are heading for hell. “What does it profit a man to gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? Or, what can a man give in exchange for his soul?” Knowing this, I have repeatedly set out on a quest to be saved, to enter the kingdom of God. Sometimes, I think I have made it. Other times, I’m not so sure.
I have repeatedly decided to set all my concerns aside, and seek to be saved by Jesus, to enter the kingdom of heaven. I can so sincerely ask Christ to save me, to apparently surrender to Him. I have done this so many times, that I sometimes figure, “At one of those moments of sincerity, Christ saved me. I poured my heart out to Him, asked Him, sincerely, to take me, and sincerely submitted to Him. Therefore, I am His and He will not let me go.” But, one of my big problems is, I have wavering faith. I can, I think, sincerely surrender to Christ for a second or two, then immediately switch back into faithlessness/self on the throne. On the one hand, it’s hard for me to believe that one who submits to Christ for only one or two seconds at a time, then wavers away, is a real Christian. OTOH, I think that a moment of sincere surrender is long enough for Him to save a person.
I not only seek to enter the kingdom of God, but I also have selfish, worldly ambitions. I have an idea for an invention which may or may not work. If it is workable, someone else my patent it before I manage to. Or I may not have the resources – especially time – to bring the invention to fruition. If the invention is workable, and I, with God’s help, bring it to fruition, then I may be set up in very desirable, worldly circumstance. If it is not workable for me, I have a backup plan to start a business doing something else. My intent is to make money and support myself, and maybe support others, either way.
I also like to write. I have been working on a Christian novel. The novel is of secondary importance to me, compared to the invention. Still, I am into it.
I am aware of my selfish ambition, my selfish motives. As to the invention, I want people to say, “Look at that brilliant guy and his invention! If such a smart and accomplished man believes in the gospel of Jesus Christ, then we should, too. That man is leading science and scientists back to Christ!´ As to the novel, I want people to say, “That great Christian novelist! Right up there with CS Lewis and JRR Tolkein! He is leading us to Christ!”
I have a book of daily devotionals by Oswald Chambers, called “My Utmost for His Highest.” In the reading for today, November 10, he says:
“As long as you have…any set ambition, you cannot get through into identification with God’s interests. You can only get there by losing for ever any idea of yourself and by letting God take you right out into His purpose for the world, and because your goings are of the Lord, you can never understand your ways.
“I have to learn that the aim in life is God’s, not mine. God is using me from His great personal standpoint, and all he asks of me is that I trust Him, and never say – Lord, this gives me such heart-ache. To talk that way makes me a clog. When I stop telling God what I want, He can catch me up for what He wants without let or hindrance. He can crumple me up or exalt me, He can do anything He chooses. He simply asks me to have implicit faith in Himself and in His goodness. Self-pity is of the devil, if I go off on that line, I cannot be used by God for His purpose in the world. I have a ‘world within the world’ in which I live, and God will never be able to get me outside it because I am afraid of being frost-bitten.”
I waver. I have done it a number of times this morning alone. I can decide, nothing matters but being saved. As long as I am saved, whatever happens after that is unimportant. In thinking like that, I can sincerely seek to meet with Jesus and to surrender to Him. At least, for a couple seconds. Before I recently, at least temporarily, have gotten assurance of salvation, to the point where I have formally committed to my projects and to preparing for future life with my girlfriend (whom I led to Christ, but, then, did I come to Christ?), I have, on a number of occasions, decided: nothing else matters but being saved. I am not going to proceed with anything until I am saved and know it. Then I have set out to enter the kingdom of God in sincerity. This usually culminates with me being sure I am saved, sure I have entered kingdom of God, sure I belong to Jesus. This assurance lasts anywhere from seconds to days. But, once I am sure I am saved, I recommence my projects. Officially, my projects are to glorify God and lead people to Christ. Unofficially, my projects are for my own glory. The projects easily become an idol, and in making them an idol, I am really worshipping myself. I get to work on the invention, thinking, this is really neat. If I can pull this off, I can not only glorify God (my invention idea is astronomy-related and astronomy brings glory to God) but I will be glorified and I will make enough income. If this invention plan does not work out, I will be heart-broken.
Then I can read Oswald Chambers and be paralyzed by guilt.
I don’t suppose I am alone in this wavering. Non-Christians may waver between doing what they think is right (“There is a way which seems right to a man but the end thereof are the ways of death”) and doing what they want. Christians can waver between following their new, Christlike nature and following their old, Adamic nature. They can waver back and forth between living for themselves and living for the Lord.
To have a wavering faith and to have religious OCD, like me, is to be caught in the perfect storm. No wonder I have done nothing but seek salvation for over ten years before recently deciding I am saved and can proceed with my projects and with future plans for my girlfriend and I! No wonder, reading Oswald Chambers can throw me for a loop!
A person with OCD, such as me, can take such a long time at personal hygiene that it is doubtful he has time to do much productivity. I repeatedly try to plan out my life, taking my OCD and its long procedures into account. This leads to significant doubt I can make my life and my plans work. But then, I possibly should not be following my own plans in the first place. Christians say to God, “Your will be done, not mine.” I can sincerely say that for moments. Then I am right back with my plans. Then I doubt I’m saved. Then I seek salvation full time and full-heartedly. Then I think I am saved. Then I proceed with my plans briefly, while the assurance of salvation lasts. Then the assurance goes away and I revert to seeking assurance, full time. It’s a non-ending cycle.
I waver. Will Jesus save someone who wavers?
