Was I too harsh?

[ryewolf]

Need a little godly advice pertaining to my mom and I. A little back story first; my parents moved to the country because ironically, that's the only place my dad could find work. And now my mom is struggling to find work and is at a job that sounds pretty toxic from how she has described it. My mom and dad do have problems like all marriages (he has an issue with inappropriate contentography, and she is very demeaning and rude towards him and refuses to submit to him as head of the household). She has been telling me since I was a child that she is going to divorce him (I'm 32) and she never has. They are in the process of building a really beautiful CUSTOM home with land which she has always wanted. In the meantime, they have been living in a really nice motor home they purchased. If anyone points out an area of my mom's life in which she could work on she absolutely blows up on them. For instance, her relationship with my sister is strained and she was talking to me about and said she doesn't know why. I told her very gently that my sister is distant with all of us, but I do think part of it is that my sister feels very judged my mom (my sister has tattoos all over her body and my mom has made it very clear that she hates tattoos). Well she blew up and started screaming at me and telling me she sucks as a mother and should just kill herself. I do think she has some mental health issues (possible borderline personality disorder) and have encouraged her to seek counseling but she said she doesn't have time. I remember her saying "maybe I should just kill myself" when I was younger too so I don't feel there is a real threat there, but it's always in the back of my mind...

Anyway, this is our conversation from the other day. I wonder if I was too harsh. I was trying to be encouraging but I seem to have pushed her farther from God...does anyone have an idea of what I could say to be a better encourager to her? Thanks in advance! (Also, I apologize for her language...I really wish she didn't curse but she does).

Mom: Every single job i apply to they hire someone else.... i am trapped in hell and am sick of it im sick of putting up with all this bull [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]

Me: Have you looked into doing per diem at all?

Mom: There’s nothing up here in hell. No jobs in podunk redneck hell. I hate it here, I hate living in this motorhome, I hate that I cannot have what i want in my “nightmare “ home. I am so unhappy here...I swear life can really suck at times. I just seriously want to disappear

Me: Well you will probably have to drive for work, maybe there is some per diem work in Jacksonville? What about UF don’t they have a hospital? And I thought you were excited about the house

Mom: I have applied to everything possible. Im telling you i am beyond over it all. God is not opening a door ive been crying out to him i swear he is not listening to me!!! I hate it here, my marriage sucks everything sucks. I can’t do this anymore, Im ready to leave

Me: I know what it is like to work at a terrible toxic job and how stressful it is waiting for something else to come along but I think you really need to focus on God through this and focus on the blessings you do have because that will get you through it...have you been asking God to show you what He wants you to learn there? I really believe that even those terrible experiences are to help us learn and grow

Mom: Yes i have, He is not showing me anything. I am done with God about this. Every friken door gets slammed im my friken face. Its like he wants me to be 100000000000000% miserable! I am not drawing closer to God because he never answers my prayers...He is a deaf God to me. He just doesn’t care

Me: Well unfortunately a life with God does not mean everything goes our way

Mom: Well nothing is going my way. I hate everything right now

Me: Well if you want to take control over your life and leave God out of it then you have the power to divorce dad and move...You’re not allowing God to have control and yet you are not taking control either

Mom: I will, and then you all can just say well i guess she was serious. Im looking for a job far away if i get it im gone

Me: I wouldn’t recommend trying to take control of everything over God but you have to make that choice to either stay miserable, change your life on your own, or allow God to take control and focus on the blessings...Did you know that when I was waitlisted for grad school I was really bitter and upset about it for a long time but I realized that whether or not I got in, God had a plan for me and I prayed to him and told him that I was going to let him take control of that and to direct my path, so I started to look for jobs in so I could get more experience because maybe that was what he wanted me to do. Well the day I I had my first interview, the second that I got back into my car from the interview I got the phone call that I was accepted. Sometimes I think he just really wants us to give up that control and not just say we do but truly mean it

Mom: So hes just a control freak? He said we have free will but really we don’t...we truly are his robots in a sick twisted way. He manipulates us until we give in! Thats totally weird and twisted. I don’t want him to teach me anything ever again...I just want a decent job and to be somewhat happy here on this friken earth

Me: No that’s not the point of that at all, the point is that once I let go of bitterness and resentment, I got exactly what I wanted. I don’t think that’s too much for God to ask of us

Mom: Well im getting more [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]ed and bitter...Im actually getting mad at him. He is punishing me and is not doing what the bible says he would do!!!!! I have asked him in jesus name for a different job yet He is doing nothing

Me: That is not true..He does care but there is likely a purpose that you serve there and that’s why he’s not opening doors..what if the patients are receiving the best care they’ve ever gotten because you’re seeing them?

Mom: Thats crap, I don’t buy it. He is ignoring me and doesn't care. I am not the best provider, Im just average

Me: Well you have a very negative self image and outlook on your life and there is obviously nothing I can say to change that

Mom: Nope. Nothing. My life has NOT turned out anything like i have wanted so i feel I’ve always just compromised in every friken level. So this is why im miserable and am swiftly losing faith in God

Me: So how did you expect your life to turn out

Mom: I wanted a husband that loved and adored me and was faithful i wanted a beautiful home and not to have to work to provide for my needs .... none of these things i have. I have a cheating husband a house that will inevitably be the bane of my existence... i have to work to provide for myself and have nothing i have ever desired. I seriously don’t even care if i die

Me: Well you’ll probably not want to hear this but you will always be miserable if you put your happiness in other people or possessions because those things will always let you down. I know you’re mad at God right now but I promise you that he is the only way to actually experience joy, not in the temporary things of the world. Pretty sure whatever house he has prepared in heaven for us is way beyond anything we could ever even dream of having here, and we won’t have to be married or worry about relationships!

Mom: Whatever, I tried. He doesn’t care. Ive done everything ... he has done nothing....He has only permitted misery in my life.

Me: Have you thought about seeing a counselor to talk about everything? I know it has really helped me so maybe that would help you to have an unbiased perspective

 

[Rescued One]

Your conversation and advice are perfect, IMO. She seriously needs professional help with her depression and outlook on life.

 

[Norbert L]

I know your mom's frustration. There are three basic scriptures that revolve around like a wheel. Matthew 24:13 endure doesn't mean slight discomfort, in fact it's takes effort and many days it seems unreasonable. Why? 1 Peter 4:12 There are circumstances beyond our immediate control, all hope seems lost in the moment BUT trust God there is no one as great, beautiful, wise and powerful like Him. He really does have our absolute best interest in mind, give Him the time and endure. Let Him do His work with the clay we're made of, He won't disappoint. Galatians 6:9

 

[Take Heart]

Dont be discouraged.. you are planting seeds in her heart despite what and how she responded at the present time. You know her better than we do in regards to 'pushing it' when it comes to explaining things and encouraging her. I personally think her responses are from a place where she may feel attacked so she responds in such a way. Speaking from personal experience, depression can distort a person's perspective/outlook on life, on other people, and in themselves. They view things from the filter of deep feelings of low self-esteem, feeling worthless, and that things in general willl never ever change and that 'this is as good as it's going to get for me'. So dont feel discouraged if her responses are bleak and super negative. Keep planting good seeds of encouragenent but try to hold off on the 'judgement' part (even though it comes from a well-intentioned and good place on your part) and just continue to speak more life into her and more positive encouragement. When someone points out our negative traits and behavior and attitude, we naturally go on the defensive because we feel attacked and whatever was said negatively about us we dismiss (especially for those who cant handle constructive criticism in their current mental and spiritual state of mind and soul). Just some friendly things to consider. Perhaps she would be open to have social work assistance or apply to job agencies that can help her get into whatever position is available.

 

[mama2one]

if you are 32 , then your mom is in her 50's?

at her age, it will be very difficult to get another job because ageism does exist

it is also difficult to get older & see and feel your body age
it is likely she's peri- menopausal/on the verge of menopause & so her moods may go up and down

what is happening to her body is affecting her outlook on everything
maybe you can offer her some sympathy & try to suggest she see her gynecologist or regular Dr

 

[Deade]

Hello ryewolf,
welcome to CF.

I hope you'll enjoy your stay here. I am a missionary-preacher Christian counselor and I want to encourage you. You are dealing with your mom's depression. We Christians are subject to the same depressive states as others. I have first hand knowledge of your issues. Your mom will make many bad decisions while depressed. Explain to her to not trust those decisions and seek advice.

 

[quietpraiyze]

if you are 32 , then your mom is in her 50's?

at her age, it will be very difficult to get another job because ageism does exist

it is also difficult to get older & see and feel your body age
it is likely she's peri- menopausal/on the verge of menopause & so her moods may go up and down

what is happening to her body is affecting her outlook on everything
maybe you can offer her some sympathy & try to suggest she see her gynecologist or regular Dr

Peri-menopause was my first though too...

 

[ValleyGal]

It sounds to me like your mom is feeling alone, lonely, alienated and disillusioned with life. She's in a hard situation and needs to experience connection with someone who loves her even in her misery.

It's really hard for some of us to struggle through life and watch others skate through it with seemingly no trouble at all. Sure, it might be a matter of pride or ego, but it still hurts when you see others having great marriages, fantastic careers and enjoying life, when every effort you make is met with barrier after barrier.

Your mom might benefit if you align with her. You don't have to agree with her, but walk beside her. Rather than tell her what she probably already knows (like God really does answer prayer, etc), let her know that Yes, darn it all anyway, she has every reason in the world to be mad at her husband, to desire a different job, to have big feelings that are difficult to manage! Be with her in those feelings rather than try to rescue her from them. Then when it seems good timing - days, weeks, months from now - you can ask her if she would rather stay upset or she is ready to move on from her angst. She will likely continue to fall into her difficult feelings even after that from time to time, but she needs to be empowered to act on something to change. For example, she can use boundaries to improve her marriage. She can go to something like Freedom Session to start healing from her very long, painful marriage. She can look for jobs that are outside of her traditional position, etc. But she's not ready to go there yet. She needs to know that someone is with her in her misery and angst. She needs to know it's okay to have these very real and human responses to her lousy circumstances. I encourage you to just be with her in her big feelings.

 

[Radagast]

I remember her saying "maybe I should just kill myself" when I was younger too

Said to a child, that's the worst kind of emotional abuse.

Anyway, this is our conversation from the other day.

It sounds to me like you did the best you could in a difficult situation. Your mom obviously needs some serious counselling. You can "plant seeds," as @Take Heart said, but you can't "fix" her problems. You can only leave that up to God and time. It seems to me obvious that, right now, your mother is living the life that she has chosen.

 

[mkdrive2]

First, I would stop pestering her about God. Maybe God does not have anything to do with this. Maybe God did not put her into that terrible job of hers. Maybe there are no blessings in that job. Why is it so bad to be disappointed about God sometimes? Let her rant. It is OK.

Second, since she does not want to go see a therapist, how about you read a self-help book like "Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Made Simple" and try to help her with that knowledge?