Was I duped?

Janet842

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I've never been a parent. Maybe I should have known better because I'm 58, but I took in a teenager two months ago – she's now moving out by my request. C is from a fairly dysfunctional immediate family and told me her grandma (whom she and her family were living with) didn't like her, her parents were moving to Idaho and she wanted to go to college here – it was pretty much an "everyone is abandoning me, I'm all alone" speech. However, she does have an extensive family and many go to my church. I didn't know about her family when she asked to move in – it's a large church.

I let her move in with one rule: no boys stay the night. Well, that got broken two months later on August 15th (I wonder if there are more occasions I don't know about). I caught them as they were leaving the house. C acted tremendously guilty and said more to me then than she had for the previous 2 months. She even volunteered to come back and help with the yard work I was doing after she dropped the boy off! Wow. Actually volunteering to help (but I didn't take her up on it)! C said nothing sexual went on, but I don't believe that. (I thought the boy was acting like I was her father and was going to shoot him.) She texted me later to say that nothing happened because the boy is gay. How stupid does she think I am? A girlfriend spent the night and slept on the sofa upstairs. The boy sleeps in her room?

C often leaves the house anywhere from 10pm to 5am. Sometimes she comes back, sometimes she doesn't. (Her mom told me she sometimes goes to grandma's to stay because her dad is there.) This morning she brought a boy back to the house and I didn't hear them come in. They didn't know I was home until my cell phone rang much later and the boisterous talking and laughing in the family room abruptly changed to whispers. Guilty or not? He could have slept on the sofa, but he had been in her room from around 5 am to past 11 am. Am I supposed to believe nothing went on?

I guess what I want to know it why, when she had such a great setup at my house, did she fail to respect the one requirement I asked of her? And why did she barely speak to me at all? Not even a hello or goodbye? To get a question answered or tell her something I had to catch her on her way out of the house or right when she came in before going down to her bedroom. She acted like she just didn't have the time to talk – ever.

C lives a life out of control. She doesn’t know how to take care of herself – she doesn't take care of basic needs like food and sleep (I don't feed her) and time management doesn't exist for her. I took one factor out of the way for her (shelter) but the rest was up to her and she couldn’t handle it.

What’s truth and what’s a lie? Where is the reality? Was I duped? Was there never a need? C is leaving on far from good terms. Things blew up here today. She's telling me I've falsely accused her – that she's a good girl – but her actions don't say that to me. I told her that all I can go by are appearances, which say otherwise since she never bothered trying to develop any sort of relationship between us. She's gone this evening (I have no idea where), but left me a VERY nasty note downstairs. In the note she says she's a lesbian (she's not) – a cover up lie?

I'm so confused. I'd love to hear what any of you think. This little "adventure" in my life is ending now, but I'd like some feedback on what you think might have been going on. Like I said, I've never been a parent so I'm clueless.

Thanks,

Janet
 

vespasia

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Is this teenager of an age that would fall under child protection services within your country?If so contact them.
[In the UK any teen under 16 who is homeless needs to be referred to Social Services]

There is a big difference between a 16 year old and a 19 year old too. What all young people have in common is a need to know where the bounderies are. If she grew up in a dysfunctional family she will struggle to know what is and is not acceptable behaviour. An extensive family does not always equate with a supportive family. It may well be the stabilty of your own life that attracted her to you.

I think you are right about her behaviour, her response is one of a young person who has only seen blag your way out of trouble modelled. She is not showing maturity, she cannot admit she let you down. I doubt very much she knows how to respect herself if she lets lads stay over with her. If a young person does not know how to respect themselves they cannot transfer that to other people. Blaming others for personal failings may be what she saw adults doing as she grew up so for her this is how people behave.

All teenagers go through a completely selfish phase in which they become almost monosylabic- it might be useful for you to read up on normal teenager development. Teens under go a rapid phase of brain development just as toddlers do and just like toddlers they can be self centered and throw temper tantrums. Like toddlers they also need to know what is acceptable an is not acceptable. Teenagers are also sexual beings as hormones kick in and slosh about. Most adults squirm from honest discusions about relationships matter.

You have spotted she lacks basic life skills. A young person who has never been shown how to budget, shop, cook, clean or cope cannot do so. They need adults to model then encourage them to try and do a little more for themselves each day. That is very hard work to do. Teenagers have weird hours, their melatonin levels dip at different times of the day to mature adults so they tend to be night owls and impossible to shift come morning.

C is an immature girl who does not know where bounderies are. She probably had unrealistic ideas as to what you could give her and you did not have the experience to set up a formal agreement of expected behaviours. You did the best you could with the resources you had- what you lacked was experience of teenage behaviours and how to manage them. You took on a teenager who was not your own who came with aheap of history and issues. that would challenge most trained foster parents. Even the nicest teenagers drive their parents crazy at times.

You may find it helpful to chat with someone at your church who provides support to parents, a youth pastor or someone who has managed to raise teenagers to well balanced adults who went through a really wild couple of years.
I am so sorry this did not work out for either of you.
 
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Janet842

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Thank you for your thoughtful reply. It really helped.

C is 17, but turning 18 on Sept. 15. So it's really too late to try to have anyone step in. I'm just hoping that when she left here she went back to her grandmother's house where her dad is staying. She has very few friends and the only girl that ever came over here with her stole C's favorite shirt and that ended that relationship.

My choice is to never go this path again – so I don't plan on studying up on teenagers. Parenting must be something you have to grow into as your child grows up. This rookie couldn't handle it!

Scripture says God turns all things to good, so I'm guessing this was a two way lesson. C had lessons to learn and I needed to learn (at the very least) that I am far from equipped to ever handle a teenager.

Thanks,

Janet
 
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mstrohm

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One thing to remember, even though she lied to you, that does not mean that you "failed." Showing her love and consistency was all you could do. You are not called to change her heart. You were right in asking her to leave. Now you can only pray that God will touch her heart.

One word of caution. If she knows how to get in your house she may now think of you and your possessions if she gets in trouble. If she falls into drugs or other trouble she may feel pressure to get out of the trouble. Often those selling the drugs or collecting debts will allow an individual to "pay up" by setting them up to rob a house. Often kids will set up their parents, grand parents or someone who attempted to be kind to them.

I know this is tough to hear, but you may want to insure she does not have a key or know of a way to get into your house. Also make sure she has no access to your credit cards, etc.

May God bless you for your efforts!
 
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