Vocation stories

[Paidiske]

*Note: this is in the Egalitarian forum.*

In another thread, @Julian of Norwich asked me about how I came to be convinced that God was calling me to ordained ministry (particularly with reference to the question of the ordination of women). That's really a bigger question than just about me, so I suggested that I start a thread here and invite others to contribute.

I'd ask that this thread be a place where we can share stories of vocation and the journey towards and into ministry, and where others can comment and ask questions, but that it not become a debate thread where people cast doubt on others' experiences. There are plenty of other places on CF for that.
____

All of that said, the following part of this is a first attempt at an answer to that question.

I wasn't raised going to church, so for me I think the experience of vocation actually starts when I was in my late teens, and I felt restless with my own spiritual life. I read the Bible by myself, I prayed by myself, and that was good; but I felt a deep longing for more. But I didn't really have any conception of what that "more" might be. I was talking about this with a friend of mine who suggested that it might be going to church, and so I gave it a try.

(I should say that coming into church from the outside was a very difficult and often painful process, so I look back and see my persistence in the face of that, my determination to find that "more" as definitely being Spirit-nudged!)

I didn't really have any well-thought-through ideas about the whole question of the ordination of women or gender roles or any of that, from a Christian point of view, because I was having to build a Christian understanding of everything from the ground up, as it were! I had a mild bias against women clergy that I think was mostly cultural baggage, but I had enough other issues to work through that it wasn't taking up a lot of headspace!

Anyway. Fast forward a few years and I was more settled in church, and having taken on various volunteer roles, on the music team, teaching Sunday school, and so on. And very clear that that was a level of involvement with which I was happy. I looked at my vicar and thought he had an incredibly difficult job I was happy not to have to contemplate. I had done my science degree and was working for a big pharmaceutical company, and if that wasn't entirely satisfying, my thoughts about what I might do about that ran more to further study in science.

But I had a day where I was praying, and basically at that point I was rather frustrated with it all, and I said to God something like, "Here I am; you know me completely, all of my gifts and strengths and weaknesses, even better than I do; here is all of it, just tell me what I'm supposed to do!" And that was the moment I had of vocation that turned my whole world upside down, because I very clearly felt that God's response was to accept me, the whole of me; and tell me that if I was really offering everything I was, then to come and serve Him.

I can't put into words what that moment really meant. I was someone who'd been abused for years as a kid, who'd fought to manage anxiety and depression and PTSD, who had never really believed in my own worth. And in that moment I felt God's total acceptance; more, the worth God saw in me, in accepting and loving me completely like that. To me, vocation is the moment when God said "yes" to me, and showed me that God had created me with something worth offering.

Anyway. While that day was a moment of radical acceptance, and I felt like my life had been turned around and I had a new sense of purpose, that didn't automatically mean that I felt that I should offer for ordination. There are lots of ways to serve God as a lay person. But I didn't have a clear sense of which way to go. Teaching? Counselling? Something else? My diocese has a programme called a "year of discernment" which is basically designed to help people sort through some of those questions, especially whether or not to offer for ordination. So I enquired about that, and found that the bishop who looked after that very firmly felt I should attend. ("Starting tomorrow!")

At the end of that, we had the opportunity to indicate whether we wanted to offer for ordination, (and if so, as a deacon or a priest). I still wasn't 100% sure, but had been encouraged enough through the process that I felt the way forward was to offer, and to say to God that if God didn't want me there, not to open the door. Well, the doors opened... and kept opening. All through the lengthy process of interviews and medical exams and psych exams and more interviews and all the rest, everybody was unanimous: God had called me to this and the Church should say yes.

So the rest was history. Six years of college, field placements, and all the rest, later, the church ordained me first a deacon and then a priest. My work since then has absolutely confirmed in my mind that this was what I was created, gifted and called to do. This is where I do the most good. This is where all that I am is able to be offered for the healing and flourishing of the people of God.

I don't know if that makes as much sense to people reading it, as it does inside my own head trying to share it; I'm happy to answer questions or say more about parts of that process or my own experiences. But I hope it's helpful to have some sort of sense of what this can be like.

 

[Dave G.]

I absolutely love your testimony thanks so much for sharing that. I'm not an advocate for women priests but no man can close doors God opens or open closed doors to His ministry for that matter. I believe my oldest daughter is experiencing a similar call, maybe not to priesthood but some form of ministry. So right about now I have to tread carefully because if you women are in His ministry by His will, I'm certainly no one to argue. I'm not going to pull up scripture on this. It seems almost as though all my own preparation is falling on my daughter. The doors opened for me as far as license to preach the gospel, which is an ordination board event in my church system just short of ordination but thus far no further than that and time marches on lol. But she is on fire, it's as if people are sent to flock to her, amazing to watch.. Parts of your story remind me of hers.

Again thanks for sharing that !

 

[Gregorikos]

I absolutely love your testimony thanks so much for sharing that. I'm not an advocate for women priests but no man can close doors God opens or open closed doors to His ministry for that matter. I believe my oldest daughter is experiencing a similar call, maybe not to priesthood but some form of ministry. So right about now I have to tread carefully because if you women are in His ministry by His will, I'm certainly no one to argue. I'm not going to pull up scripture on this. It seems almost as though all my own preparation is falling on my daughter. The doors opened for me as far as license to preach the gospel, which is an ordination board event in my church system just short of ordination but thus far no further than that and time marches on lol. But she is on fire, it's as if people are sent to flock to her, amazing to watch.. Parts of your story remind me of hers.

Again thanks for sharing that !

Thank you for being open to the Holy Spirit in this matter, Dave. You reminded me of Acts 11.

If then God gave them the same gift that he gave us when we believed in the Lord Jesus Christ, who was I that I could hinder God?” When they heard this, they were silenced. Acts 11:17-18 (NRSV)

 

[Gregorikos]

*Note: this is in the Egalitarian forum.*

In another thread, @Julian of Norwich asked me about how I came to be convinced that God was calling me to ordained ministry (particularly with reference to the question of the ordination of women). That's really a bigger question than just about me, so I suggested that I start a thread here and invite others to contribute.

I'd ask that this thread be a place where we can share stories of vocation and the journey towards and into ministry, and where others can comment and ask questions, but that it not become a debate thread where people cast doubt on others' experiences. There are plenty of other places on CF for that.
____

All of that said, the following part of this is a first attempt at an answer to that question.

I wasn't raised going to church, so for me I think the experience of vocation actually starts when I was in my late teens, and I felt restless with my own spiritual life. I read the Bible by myself, I prayed by myself, and that was good; but I felt a deep longing for more. But I didn't really have any conception of what that "more" might be. I was talking about this with a friend of mine who suggested that it might be going to church, and so I gave it a try.

(I should say that coming into church from the outside was a very difficult and often painful process, so I look back and see my persistence in the face of that, my determination to find that "more" as definitely being Spirit-nudged!)

I didn't really have any well-thought-through ideas about the whole question of the ordination of women or gender roles or any of that, from a Christian point of view, because I was having to build a Christian understanding of everything from the ground up, as it were! I had a mild bias against women clergy that I think was mostly cultural baggage, but I had enough other issues to work through that it wasn't taking up a lot of headspace!

Anyway. Fast forward a few years and I was more settled in church, and having taken on various volunteer roles, on the music team, teaching Sunday school, and so on. And very clear that that was a level of involvement with which I was happy. I looked at my vicar and thought he had an incredibly difficult job I was happy not to have to contemplate. I had done my science degree and was working for a big pharmaceutical company, and if that wasn't entirely satisfying, my thoughts about what I might do about that ran more to further study in science.

But I had a day where I was praying, and basically at that point I was rather frustrated with it all, and I said to God something like, "Here I am; you know me completely, all of my gifts and strengths and weaknesses, even better than I do; here is all of it, just tell me what I'm supposed to do!" And that was the moment I had of vocation that turned my whole world upside down, because I very clearly felt that God's response was to accept me, the whole of me; and tell me that if I was really offering everything I was, then to come and serve Him.

I can't put into words what that moment really meant. I was someone who'd been abused for years as a kid, who'd fought to manage anxiety and depression and PTSD, who had never really believed in my own worth. And in that moment I felt God's total acceptance; more, the worth God saw in me, in accepting and loving me completely like that. To me, vocation is the moment when God said "yes" to me, and showed me that God had created me with something worth offering.

Anyway. While that day was a moment of radical acceptance, and I felt like my life had been turned around and I had a new sense of purpose, that didn't automatically mean that I felt that I should offer for ordination. There are lots of ways to serve God as a lay person. But I didn't have a clear sense of which way to go. Teaching? Counselling? Something else? My diocese has a programme called a "year of discernment" which is basically designed to help people sort through some of those questions, especially whether or not to offer for ordination. So I enquired about that, and found that the bishop who looked after that very firmly felt I should attend. ("Starting tomorrow!")

At the end of that, we had the opportunity to indicate whether we wanted to offer for ordination, (and if so, as a deacon or a priest). I still wasn't 100% sure, but had been encouraged enough through the process that I felt the way forward was to offer, and to say to God that if God didn't want me there, not to open the door. Well, the doors opened... and kept opening. All through the lengthy process of interviews and medical exams and psych exams and more interviews and all the rest, everybody was unanimous: God had called me to this and the Church should say yes.

So the rest was history. Six years of college, field placements, and all the rest, later, the church ordained me first a deacon and then a priest. My work since then has absolutely confirmed in my mind that this was what I was created, gifted and called to do. This is where I do the most good. This is where all that I am is able to be offered for the healing and flourishing of the people of God.

I don't know if that makes as much sense to people reading it, as it does inside my own head trying to share it; I'm happy to answer questions or say more about parts of that process or my own experiences. But I hope it's helpful to have some sort of sense of what this can be like.

It's phenomenal that you overcame your own cultural bias to do what you felt God calling you to do. Your story is so inspiring, and it seems obvious God was in it. Thanks for sharing and for starting the thread!

 

[Arcangl86]

I'm in the discernment process myself unofficially. Because i have a tendency to move alot I haven't been part of a community long enough to start the formal discernment process which takes a while in TEC. But one of the questions I'm trying to figure out is this. I know I'm called to ordained ministry, but not what type. How did you discern between the diaconate and the presbyterate

 

[Dave G.]

I'm in the discernment process myself unofficially. Because i have a tendency to move alot I haven't been part of a community long enough to start the formal discernment process which takes a while in TEC. But one of the questions I'm trying to figure out is this. I know I'm called to ordained ministry, but not what type. How did you discern between the diaconate and the presbyterate

When you live for the Lord you have to be willing to change some things. In thinking about your unofficially statement, Until you commit to Him about ministry how will you hear from Him about what ministry He has in mind ? When He called Peter, Peter dropped fishing for fish. When He called Matthew, Matthew walked out of his tax collector booth. Maybe you need to stop moving around so much. It comes down to our own hearts doesn't it ? Are you willing to change ?

 

[Paidiske]

I'm in the discernment process myself unofficially. Because i have a tendency to move alot I haven't been part of a community long enough to start the formal discernment process which takes a while in TEC. But one of the questions I'm trying to figure out is this. I know I'm called to ordained ministry, but not what type. How did you discern between the diaconate and the presbyterate

With great difficulty. In fact, even when I was ordained as a deacon, although I told the church that I was offering eventually for priesthood, I had it in the back of my mind that if the diaconate was right, I could always stop there.

I think there are a couple of things to think about. One is context; do you think you will be working in a parish, in a chaplaincy role, or somewhere else? Chaplaincy - school, hospital, prison, armed forces, or other - is often a good fit for a deacon. In parish life, while in theory we honour the distinctive diaconate, in practice (at least where I am) it would be a rare deacon who could find a paid role. (And whether or not you need to be stipendiary is a big part of the picture! It's important to be honest with yourself and the church about whether, in offering for ministry, you need an income to support that).

Another is - and I'm going to struggle to put this into adequate words, so by all means ask more questions if it's helpful - the focus of the ministry that you do. To try to give you an example, I was reflecting on this exact question (deacon or priest) with a mentor of mine when I was a student; and she looked at me and said, "Not a deacon. You're a leader." You could argue that that comment reflects a low view of the diaconate (and I thought so at the time), but what I can see from experience is that deacons very seldom exercise roles where strategic and visionary leadership is expected or wanted. Deacons are expected to follow the leadership of others. Maybe that's a weakness in our church; but while it remains true, the distinctive diaconate is a poor fit for people whose gifts and strengths run in that direction. It would set one up for intense and prolonged frustration. (And I didn't see myself as a leader at the time, or think that was one of my gifts; but when I look at how I function in charge of a parish, I see what she meant).

(You will notice that I haven't said anything about presiding at communion or hearing confessions; while both are very important to me now, they were not a big part of my discernment process. I didn't spend my formation longing to be behind an altar, or designing my ordination chasuble. Some of my fellow ordinands did! This is a very personal process, and how it was for me, may not be how it is for you or anyone else).

There is a tendency, I think, in our church to see priests as essential and deacons as nice-to-have; an optional extra if they happen to be around, but not a priority either in selection, formation or appointment. I've heard stories of vicars saying things like, "Why would I want a deacon in the parish? They can't do anything a lay person can't do; they're useless assistants if they can't cover Eucharists." Or aspirants being told that if they find a chaplaincy role as a lay person, the church might consider ordaining them a deacon while they're in it (ie. don't expect us to find you a paid role as a deacon). (Both positions with which I completely disagree, I should add!) This can make the path of the distinctive diaconate difficult and frustrating, and I have known few people to thrive in it (some go on to offer for priesthood, and at least one I have known has relinquished her orders). This is not to say that if you truly feel called to it you shouldn't pursue it; but I think part of discernment is working out, not only God's call, but the actual possibilities in front of you in responding to that call.

On re-reading that all feels a bit negative, but I hope there's something in that that's useful!

 

[Arcangl86]

With great difficulty. In fact, even when I was ordained as a deacon, although I told the church that I was offering eventually for priesthood, I had it in the back of my mind that if the diaconate was right, I could always stop there.

I think there are a couple of things to think about. One is context; do you think you will be working in a parish, in a chaplaincy role, or somewhere else? Chaplaincy - school, hospital, prison, armed forces, or other - is often a good fit for a deacon. In parish life, while in theory we honour the distinctive diaconate, in practice (at least where I am) it would be a rare deacon who could find a paid role. (And whether or not you need to be stipendiary is a big part of the picture! It's important to be honest with yourself and the church about whether, in offering for ministry, you need an income to support that).

Another is - and I'm going to struggle to put this into adequate words, so by all means ask more questions if it's helpful - the focus of the ministry that you do. To try to give you an example, I was reflecting on this exact question (deacon or priest) with a mentor of mine when I was a student; and she looked at me and said, "Not a deacon. You're a leader." You could argue that that comment reflects a low view of the diaconate (and I thought so at the time), but what I can see from experience is that deacons very seldom exercise roles where strategic and visionary leadership is expected or wanted. Deacons are expected to follow the leadership of others. Maybe that's a weakness in our church; but while it remains true, the distinctive diaconate is a poor fit for people whose gifts and strengths run in that direction. It would set one up for intense and prolonged frustration. (And I didn't see myself as a leader at the time, or think that was one of my gifts; but when I look at how I function in charge of a parish, I see what she meant).

(You will notice that I haven't said anything about presiding at communion or hearing confessions; while both are very important to me now, they were not a big part of my discernment process. I didn't spend my formation longing to be behind an altar, or designing my ordination chasuble. Some of my fellow ordinands did! This is a very personal process, and how it was for me, may not be how it is for you or anyone else).

There is a tendency, I think, in our church to see priests as essential and deacons as nice-to-have; an optional extra if they happen to be around, but not a priority either in selection, formation or appointment. I've heard stories of vicars saying things like, "Why would I want a deacon in the parish? They can't do anything a lay person can't do; they're useless assistants if they can't cover Eucharists." Or aspirants being told that if they find a chaplaincy role as a lay person, the church might consider ordaining them a deacon while they're in it (ie. don't expect us to find you a paid role as a deacon). (Both positions with which I completely disagree, I should add!) This can make the path of the distinctive diaconate difficult and frustrating, and I have known few people to thrive in it (some go on to offer for priesthood, and at least one I have known has relinquished her orders). This is not to say that if you truly feel called to it you shouldn't pursue it; but I think part of discernment is working out, not only God's call, but the actual possibilities in front of you in responding to that call.

On re-reading that all feels a bit negative, but I hope there's something in that that's useful!

No that is useful. The biggest difficulty I'm having is that I don't think i would thrive in a parish. I like being in that in between sort of place. But I know I want my vocation and my avocation to match, and that's difficult in this church. In my diocese Deacons are expected to spend about 12-15 hours a week doing ministry related to whatever parish they are assigned to. But I also need to make a living, which in my case incidentally is for the church at the moment but might change, which requires a 40 hour week. I also think it's a justice issue, because we are held to the same disciplinary standards as priests, but nobody would expect a priest to volunteer 15 hours a week on top of a secular job. They very well might need a secular job, but they would be paid for the ministry they do. But enough of me. I didn't want to detract from your story, just wanted to see how you handled a similar question to me.

 

[Paidiske]

No that is useful. The biggest difficulty I'm having is that I don't think i would thrive in a parish. I like being in that in between sort of place. But I know I want my vocation and my avocation to match, and that's difficult in this church. In my diocese Deacons are expected to spend about 12-15 hours a week doing ministry related to whatever parish they are assigned to. But I also need to make a living, which in my case incidentally is for the church at the moment but might change, which requires a 40 hour week. I also think it's a justice issue, because we are held to the same disciplinary standards as priests, but nobody would expect a priest to volunteer 15 hours a week on top of a secular job. They very well might need a secular job, but they would be paid for the ministry they do. But enough of me. I didn't want to detract from your story, just wanted to see how you handled a similar question to me.

I didn't think I would thrive in a parish either; but for what it's worth, it turns out that while it is incredibly tough, it seems to be the place where I can best offer my gifts. I would say test that theory with a field placement or two (at least one in a parish setting and one in a non-parish setting) before feeling settled in your mind about that.

Yes; the specifics are different but you've put your finger on the same sense of distinctive deacons not having a well-established, healthy place in the life of the church (yet?). To that I'm afraid I have no answers. I hope you're able to find a community which can give you a stable base to start exploring these questions more formally.

 

[Julian of Norwich]

With great difficulty. In fact, even when I was ordained as a deacon, although I told the church that I was offering eventually for priesthood, I had it in the back of my mind that if the diaconate was right, I could always stop there.

I think there are a couple of things to think about. One is context; do you think you will be working in a parish, in a chaplaincy role, or somewhere else? Chaplaincy - school, hospital, prison, armed forces, or other - is often a good fit for a deacon. In parish life, while in theory we honour the distinctive diaconate, in practice (at least where I am) it would be a rare deacon who could find a paid role. (And whether or not you need to be stipendiary is a big part of the picture! It's important to be honest with yourself and the church about whether, in offering for ministry, you need an income to support that).

Another is - and I'm going to struggle to put this into adequate words, so by all means ask more questions if it's helpful - the focus of the ministry that you do. To try to give you an example, I was reflecting on this exact question (deacon or priest) with a mentor of mine when I was a student; and she looked at me and said, "Not a deacon. You're a leader." You could argue that that comment reflects a low view of the diaconate (and I thought so at the time), but what I can see from experience is that deacons very seldom exercise roles where strategic and visionary leadership is expected or wanted. Deacons are expected to follow the leadership of others. Maybe that's a weakness in our church; but while it remains true, the distinctive diaconate is a poor fit for people whose gifts and strengths run in that direction. It would set one up for intense and prolonged frustration. (And I didn't see myself as a leader at the time, or think that was one of my gifts; but when I look at how I function in charge of a parish, I see what she meant).

(You will notice that I haven't said anything about presiding at communion or hearing confessions; while both are very important to me now, they were not a big part of my discernment process. I didn't spend my formation longing to be behind an altar, or designing my ordination chasuble. Some of my fellow ordinands did! This is a very personal process, and how it was for me, may not be how it is for you or anyone else).

There is a tendency, I think, in our church to see priests as essential and deacons as nice-to-have; an optional extra if they happen to be around, but not a priority either in selection, formation or appointment. I've heard stories of vicars saying things like, "Why would I want a deacon in the parish? They can't do anything a lay person can't do; they're useless assistants if they can't cover Eucharists." Or aspirants being told that if they find a chaplaincy role as a lay person, the church might consider ordaining them a deacon while they're in it (ie. don't expect us to find you a paid role as a deacon). (Both positions with which I completely disagree, I should add!) This can make the path of the distinctive diaconate difficult and frustrating, and I have known few people to thrive in it (some go on to offer for priesthood, and at least one I have known has relinquished her orders). This is not to say that if you truly feel called to it you shouldn't pursue it; but I think part of discernment is working out, not only God's call, but the actual possibilities in front of you in responding to that call.

On re-reading that all feels a bit negative, but I hope there's something in that that's useful!

Thank you so much for explaining how you came to choose to be a priest. I appreciate it. Bless you.

 

[bekkilyn]

I grew up in a denomination that is largely unfriendly to women in ministry and assumed that they were all "like that" so I grew up with the idea that no matter what I felt, what I was drawn to, my skills, talents, and spiritual gifts, my intellect, my relationship with God, and all sorts of other things, that my outside physical shell created an impossible barrier to cross. I had no call whatsoever to motherhood, womanhood, or any other such thing, and even though I did get married for a while, I feel that it was a mistake, and ultimately did not last due to his adultery and abandonment.

In any case, I spent *years* making attempts at doing the "normal" things that it seemed I was expected to do and never filled by any of them, physically, emotionally, or spiritually. I was always drawn to and interested in spiritual things, studied scripture extensively, studied other religions, while at the same time desperately trying to figure out what I was supposed to be doing with my life. I tried and rejected many different things, careers, obtained numerous college degrees, took even more classes and various certifications and none led anywhere.

I stopped going to church for many years and eventually went back once I discovered that not all of them were hostile to women and that there were different ways of interpreting scripture than what I'd originally learned. (I learned these things over many years, not just some instantaneous flash of insight. Very long painful years.)

Finally (much) later in life, I went to my pastor and told him that I believed God was calling me into some sort of vocational ministry for *something*.

At that point, I had never been in any sort of church leadership role and had no real clue what I was doing other than I *had* to do something and the first thing I finally started doing was to LISTEN to God rather than just deciding something on my own and hoping that God went along with it.

I hadn't planned to become a pastor, and even though I was now in a denomination that welcomed female pastors, I didn't think it was even possible for ME to become anything like that.

But while the other doors were slamming shut, this one was wide open. I figured as I went along in my discernment process and as an official candidate for ministry that it would be discovered how much of an imposter I was and that it was thoroughly ridiculous for me to even be considered. And yet each and every single time, every single step, the doors were continuously flung open. Whenever I needed some sort of committee approval or confirmation of my calling along the way, the vote was unanimous. 100% with no disagreements.

Somehow I ended up being appointed to churches.

The reason I argue so strongly that God calls women into ALL functions of ministry (and that the arguments against it appear so ridiculous) is because I have experienced it and many others have confirmed it in my journey and still continue to confirm it. In my interactions with other female pastors, deacons, and the like, I see the Holy Spirit working through them without ANY doubt.

In my life, God had systematically closed practically every other door but this one along the way until I finally listened to him and got it.

For the very first time in the decades of my life I am doing what I am supposed to be doing, what he has called me to do. No doubts. Only assurance. And whatever comes my way in the process, he helps me to overcome. There is nothing else I can do.

My choice wasn't about whether or not I wanted to be in vocational ministry, but whether or not I would listen to God and what *he* wants. But it's interesting that where he calls us matches up to the deep desires of our hearts, our most inner selves, even if we don't realize it.

A call from God isn't so much a matter of wanting but a matter of MUST. We still have the choice, but we may very well be miserable until we say "yes." Not because God punishes us for going a different way, but because we are going against who we are as God uniquely created each of us to be.

 

[Gregorikos]

I grew up in a denomination that is largely unfriendly to women in ministry and assumed that they were all "like that" so I grew up with the idea that no matter what I felt, what I was drawn to, my skills, talents, and spiritual gifts, my intellect, my relationship with God, and all sorts of other things, that my outside physical shell created an impossible barrier to cross. I had no call whatsoever to motherhood, womanhood, or any other such thing, and even though I did get married for a while, I feel that it was a mistake, and ultimately did not last due to his adultery and abandonment.

In any case, I spent *years* making attempts at doing the "normal" things that it seemed I was expected to do and never filled by any of them, physically, emotionally, or spiritually. I was always drawn to and interested in spiritual things, studied scripture extensively, studied other religions, while at the same time desperately trying to figure out what I was supposed to be doing with my life. I tried and rejected many different things, careers, obtained numerous college degrees, took even more classes and various certifications and none led anywhere.

I stopped going to church for many years and eventually went back once I discovered that not all of them were hostile to women and that there were different ways of interpreting scripture than what I'd originally learned. (I learned these things over many years, not just some instantaneous flash of insight. Very long painful years.)

Finally (much) later in life, I went to my pastor and told him that I believed God was calling me into some sort of vocational ministry for *something*.

At that point, I had never been in any sort of church leadership role and had no real clue what I was doing other than I *had* to do something and the first thing I finally started doing was to LISTEN to God rather than just deciding something on my own and hoping that God went along with it.

I hadn't planned to become a pastor, and even though I was now in a denomination that welcomed female pastors, I didn't think it was even possible for ME to become anything like that.

But while the other doors were slamming shut, this one was wide open. I figured as I went along in my discernment process and as an official candidate for ministry that it would be discovered how much of an imposter I was and that it was thoroughly ridiculous for me to even be considered. And yet each and every single time, every single step, the doors were continuously flung open. Whenever I needed some sort of committee approval or confirmation of my calling along the way, the vote was unanimous. 100% with no disagreements.

Somehow I ended up being appointed to churches.

The reason I argue so strongly that God calls women into ALL functions of ministry (and that the arguments against it appear so ridiculous) is because I have experienced it and many others have confirmed it in my journey and still continue to confirm it. In my interactions with other female pastors, deacons, and the like, I see the Holy Spirit working through them without ANY doubt.

In my life, God had systematically closed practically every other door but this one along the way until I finally listened to him and got it.

For the very first time in the decades of my life I am doing what I am supposed to be doing, what he has called me to do. No doubts. Only assurance. And whatever comes my way in the process, he helps me to overcome. There is nothing else I can do.

My choice wasn't about whether or not I wanted to be in vocational ministry, but whether or not I would listen to God and what *he* wants. But it's interesting that where he calls us matches up to the deep desires of our hearts, our most inner selves, even if we don't realize it.

A call from God isn't so much a matter of wanting but a matter of MUST. We still have the choice, but we may very well be miserable until we say "yes." Not because God punishes us for going a different way, but because we are going against who we are as God uniquely created each of us to be.

Best post ever. I loved it so much! Thank you for sharing it.