Visitation and Child Custody

[Marionette]

I guess this is as good a place to put this as any. My situation is this: I am unmarried and pregnant. I don't intend to marry the father of my baby for reasons I was able to ignore if there was only me to put up with them but having another person in the picture makes it a for sure no deal. (Does that make sense?) Anyway, with only a month left in my pregnancy, my mother has been acting as my go-between to the father so I don't have to deal with his drama. We've already secured a lawyer (or at least we went and spoke with one about getting child support paperwork started). The father wants to be involved in his son's life (which is understandable, I'm not trying to keep him away, I just don't want him thinking he can de-parent what I build up). When last my mother spoke to him, he was saying that he wanted the baby every weekend and a month during the summer.. I know this wont be possible at first considering I'm planning on breast-feeding at least until the baby is 6-12 months old if all goes well, but afterwards..? I guess my questions are thus..

Does anyone know what is typical in this situation? (I'm in Tennessee.. not sure if it would be different in other states) I do not want him to have joint custody and it scares me to death to think that he would be able to get it. I don't think my family, at this point, would be able to afford to fight against him for long in court if he tried..

Well, I'll stop there. If anyone has any info, it would be greatly appreciated and if further details from my part are needed, just let me know. Also, please send up a little prayer for my tadpole and I? I'm ready to fight for him if only I was pointed in the right direction.

Thankies and much love~

 

[Linnis]

A friend of mine who breastfed for the first 6 months exclucivly and for the next 18 months after that got divorced from her husband. Because she was breastfeeding and the child would not take a bottle of expressed milk he was not allowed to have their daughter for more than the time between a breast feeding. Meaning she fed her daughter right before he left with her and he brought her back right before the next one. You are his mother and I believe the right for your child to be breastfed can be upheld.

Then again you can pump from the get go and get him used to getting a bottle from someone other than you from day 4-5 which may help if his father does get part custody.

Oh yeah, if you only have a month to go, your baby isn't a tadpole, he's a child around 4 lbs and gaining up to half a pound a week in the last month. All his organs are developed(except lungs) he has awake and sleeping periods, he hears your voice, he tastes what you eat...it's really cool if you ask me.

 

[Marionette]

Oh yeah, if you only have a month to go, your baby isn't a tadpole, he's a child around 4 lbs and gaining up to half a pound a week in the last month. All his organs are developed(except lungs) he has awake and sleeping periods, he hears your voice, he tastes what you eat...it's really cool if you ask me.

Yeah, I guess it's just habbit to call him my tadpole now. He sure does feel bigger than a tadpole! Sometimes he kicks so hard my whole body jerks and though they say that as you get closer to your due date, the moving slows down, I don't think it has really.

And thankies for the info~ Every time my mom talks about the dad getting custody, she'll add "And Sarah plans on breastfeeding for a loooong time! *evilglint*" We're an eccentric bunch over here, methinks.

 

[bliz]

Courts have ruled differently on the matter. Some have not cared one bit how the child was being fed, and ordered shared custody with the baby being nursed when with mom and bottle fed when with dad. (I know, I know... I nursed 3 kids!)

Even if you and the father work out an agreement, the court does not have to honor it. Courts are more inclined to honor agreements worked out through Alternative Dispute Resolution, but so much depends upon the judge.

 

[KJVisTruth]

If the father wants joint custody and doesnt get it, he can make things really tough for you. You are not married, can you prove the baby's paternity if hes refusing to pay child support? He can refuse if hes not getting what he wants, even if he does know hes the father. Did he sign the baby's birth certificate or did someone put down his name on it stating hes the father? Just some things to consider.

 

[Asherz]

I am in no way a lawyer or legal professional, so I am only writing what I've seen posted online in various places.

I have no idea about TN, but from what I've read, the breast feeding argument is not holding up well right now. If your judge is a staunch believer in breast feeding, you'll probably do okay in court, but if he is indifferent, he'll probably tell you that you can breast feed on your time and he can bottle feed on his.

Again, I don't know about TN, but in CA if a child is born to unmarried parents, the father is left off the birth certificate until there is a court order to put one on it. (I think it has to be done by court order, a signed declaration of paternity may do the trick.) Generally, a DNA test is done and a declaration of parternity is signed/issued and then an order is issued to put the father on the birth certificate.

Really, this baby is his child too. I don't know the situation, but for your child's sake, have a positive and friendly relationship with the father. Like it or not, you will be involved in each other's lives for the next 18 years. It is important that your child and the father develop a healthy and strong relationship. You don't have to like the man, but you will be hurting your child in the long run if you interfere with them developing a strong bond.

As for custody, I don't see any reason why he would not be granted joint legal, meaning he shares in the decisions regarding medical care, school, and a few other things as well. For physical custody, I imagine he will at minimum get gradual visitation. If your breast feeding argument works I could easily see two hours at a time (possibly every day) and that increases as your child ages. The judge could also order you to pump and failure to provide pumped milk would equal consent to use formula. The physical custody could be anywhere on the map. From what I've read a baby's need to be close to its mother at almost all times during the first few months is being viewed as less important in the eyes of the law these days. But... you're in TN... so I have no idea. To have a better idea, it would probably help to ask around in your town to see the results for other people.

Also, even if he chooses not to pay child supprt, he will still have rights to custody and visitation. They are two separate issues before the court.

 

[Athene]

Is there any way that you could perhaps sit down with your ex in the presence of a mediator and discuss access and visitation to the baby and come up with some kind of plan?

Would you be willing to allow him to visit the child in your home for the first few months? From the childs point of view this would be the ideal situation - you would be on hand to feed when necessary, and the baby will get to bond with his dad in the comfort of your presence.

The first couple of months you need baby with you at all times to establish breastfeeding and milk supply

 

[tryingtobeagain]

I'm going through the same type of thing almost. My DD is 3 now and we just finished an interm agreement for access. Here is what I know from my experience and laws in my area. There are three main issues:

Custody:
Courst are more in favor of granting joint custody so both parents can equally contribute to decisions. The problem with me and my daughter's father is that we have very different cultrual backgrounds (to be polite) and we can't agree on any issues. This turns into things like emergency court which costs an arm and a leg whenever we can't agree. I am arguing for sole custody because of that and because I have had primary care and custody and been the ONLY active parent in her developmental and medical needs. Therefore I should have the right to make the decisions. I'm not sure if I will get sole custody or not but that's what I'm going for. There's also shared custody where the child spends equal time with both parents and this affects the amount of child support you receive. Typically joint custody would consist of alternating weekends and weekday visits.

Access:
This does not involve the decision making. but only who gets to see the child and when.

Maitenance:
This is the support you receive, and in some cases you can claim amounts for child care (later on), medical needs, and extracurricular activities

If you can't work out an agreement then it can be a lenghty battle. My DD's father is using every trick in the book to prolong our hearing so he can beging to do things right and look better than he has looked. If there is an issue of why you don't want to deal with him (and I'm not saying to talk about it here ifyou don't want to) you need to bring it up and not be ashamed. I was very ashamed that I was in an abusive relationship and it has only given him opportunity to continue to control me. This is a valid reason for me wanting sole custody. We can't be in the same room together. Make sure you talk about anything that makes it difficult for you to relate to this man to your lawyer.

Also, there may be legal aid services in your area where you pay a minimal fee or nothing at all. I advise you to look into it.

Last but not least, make sure you put the child's needs first, the court takes this into consideration most.

I will pray for you and your family and if you have any questions of want to chat feel free to pm me.