Verbal Abuse - Looking for Restoration

[Clare H.]

Hi friends,

First time posting and just looking for some friendly support and advice.

First of all, I’m not separated from my husband and I don’t want to be. I love him endlessly. He is a hard worker, makes me laugh constantly, is a great dad, and his faith is so foundational to him. He is 100% faithful to me, does not control or manipulate me, and is very supportive of my work, family and friends.

We met 3 years ago. While I’ve been a Christian my whole life, my husband only came to Christ about 7 years ago. It was a revelation in his life for sure and he was instantly delivered of many of the things that were part of his old life - casual inappropriate content use, weed use, drinking to excess on weekends, those kinds of things.

However, one thing he has admitted is that he hasn’t been delivered of his tongue. And if he gets really angry about something, he will use it, especially the F word. In moments when he’s been really incensed, I’ve been told to F off, go F myself, and once even to shut the F up. He is always apologetic afterwards and doesn’t make excuses for his language. It doesn’t happen often, but it hasn’t stopped happening either. We’ve been married for 2 years.

I know this is verbal abuse. He knows it is verbal abuse. Neither of us are okay with it. But I also am deeply committed to him and I want this marriage to succeed. Especially when every other aspect of our marriage is solid. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Gregory Thompson]

I would recommend to look into personal boundaries and how this might help to not trigger the outbursts while he learns how to disable the triggers altogether.

Beyond that, counseling. Anyone posting on the internet is afar, but those who are near are better as the scripture (Proverbs 27:10) says.

 

[Rescued One]

If he has the desire to stop, he'll be able to stop. But I do recommend individual counseling. I've learned not to say bad words to wasps and hornets. I know that sounds kind of lame or even funny. But I wanted to overcome it. The way I overcame it was to bless them before they stung me; I haven't been stung since then. I've overcome other things, too.

 

[HannahT]

However, one thing he has admitted is that he hasn’t been delivered of his tongue. And if he gets really angry about something, he will use it, especially the F word. In moments when he’s been really incensed, I’ve been told to F off, go F myself, and once even to shut the F up. He is always apologetic afterwards and doesn’t make excuses for his language. It doesn’t happen often, but it hasn’t stopped happening either. We’ve been married for 2 years.

He needs to learn to look at it from a different angle. Try a visual...

Your husband backs out of the driveway, and he runs over your foot (verbal abuse visual). The fact that he is sorry and didn't mean it? Your foot is still very sore (he hurt your heart and your spirit) no matter how truly sorry he is.

Then if it happens the next day, and the next day, and the next day...2 things happen. One your foot feels very bad. Second, you begin to wonder if this is really an accident. That is what NOT delivered from the tongue does.

Don't take that that to literal - like he would run over it every day or if he would run over it at all. Its a visual on how verbal damages the relationship and both of the people. You harm the connection between spouses, and your trust level isn't as strong. You stop talking and your communication is hindered. Something habitual - if it happens more than once for something this serious? It's habitual - don't minimize it. It's going to crush and harm you spirit, and people that tell you to just take his apologizes and move on? Never had a sore foot, and are to scared/lazy to think of the second part of what our faith requires. Contrition is part of our faith. Showing contrition is finding other ways of dealing with life when incensed. Contrition shows change of spirit, and helps mend things. Running over your foot and saying sorry doesn't. He is making excuses if he repeats things. Contrition is genuine at the heart and spirit of things.

He sounds like a good man otherwise, but he needs to study contrition and then learn to live it. His spirit will soar, and harmory on a more healthy and holy aspect will be there as well. Your foot will heal too, and then soreness will fade.

 

[Froggymom101]

Thank you for sharing your story. Praise God for all the transformation in his life. May I recommend that after an anger episode and his apology that you sit together and pray for his deliverance from his lashing out. I will be praying for the two of you. God 's blessi

 

[fbow]

I pray for you and your husband, as long as we're in these earthly bodies we will not be perfect but I hope that there is some improvement.

My wife verbally abuses me whenever she's upset or angry but never apologizes and never says it's wrong and instead she blames me for making her upset and making her say those things and that I should apologize...