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Used and Betrayed . . . Now what?

Discussion in 'Requests for Christian Advice' started by Seeking456, Sep 16, 2021.

  1. Seeking456

    Seeking456 New Member

    2
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    I recently had a Christian friend ask to come over and do some work at my house as her internet was out. While she was in my home, she told me that she was feeling unwell but that it was from something that she ate and her allergies. Later that day she called me to tell me that her family, whom she had spent the weekend with, had the C virus, but she didn't believe in it, and wasn't going to get tested. I was upset, and felt very used and betrayed. I have a sister whom I had planned to visit who has stage 4 cancer, and I have been VERY careful about any exposure for 2 weeks each time I go to spend time with her. I became upset on the phone, and insisted that she get tested. She finally agreed, and of course the test came back positive. I then had to quarantine and get tested myself, and I wasn't able to see my sister.

    Now this friend doesn't understand why I feel so used and betrayed, and has been texting me scriptures about forgiveness and judgement. I don't even know how to respond at this point. It has taken me a while to even process what happened . . . why did she even come to my house and expose me and my family when she could have gone to a Starbucks or anywhere else that has internet to do her work, especially when she knew my sister's situation and that I was planning to go see her. I'm not sure how to move forward from here. I know that I need to forgive her, but I fear that the friendship is irrepairably broken. Advice??
     
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  2. anna ~ grace

    anna ~ grace Newbie Supporter

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    So, forgiveness and trust are not the same thing. You need to give yourself time to process this, and give yourself some space.

    If she is going to come over when she knows there’s a possible Covid diagnosis at her house, demanding your immediate forgiveness seems trite, and weird.

    Give yourself space. You’re dealing with a lot right now. When you feel able to, pray about how to answer her. Maybe tell her what you have told us. If she has no way to comprehend your anger and annoyance, she’s not someone you may want in your life.
     
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  3. Albion

    Albion Facilitator

    +30,966
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    I'd give it some time before taking any decisive action one way or the other.

    She sounds, from your report, like a person who may have been embarrassed to realize how her insensitivity caused such a problem for you, and so has created a story that she hopes will soften the blow. That she's included lecturing you about the Christian virtue of forgiveness almost cinches it.
     
    Last edited: Sep 16, 2021
  4. Sophrosyne

    Sophrosyne Let Your Light Shine.. Matt 5:16

    +42,595
    Christian
    I say move on with this person. If she knew you were going to see a sick relative and couldn't afford to get any sickness at all and begged you to come over while sick either she is somewhat a narcissist or plain stupid with a large ego perhaps. If I were to do someone wrong I would not use scripture against them at all to point out their flaws or sins but rather point out my own. I would consider looking at her behavior to see if she is a manipulator or not talking you into doing things that you normally would say no to and doing things to irritate you and begging without letting you a way to refuse her wishes... that is making it hard to say no.
    If she does exhibit these types of behavior and the friendship is lopsided greatly with her getting more than giving it may be time to reevaluate things. High maintenance friends shouldn't be close friends IMO unless you can afford all the effort and they give greatly in return the unevenness sooner or later will make you bitter and even lash out at them or lose your cool in it all.
     
  5. Leaf473

    Leaf473 Well-Known Member

    +535
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    I think it's important for you to forgive your friend, as God forgives us.

    That doesn't mean you have to let her come over to your house again, though :)

    Here's a possible way of looking at it,

    Our brains were not designed for dealing with the internet. The vulnerable among us get sucked into believing conspiracy theories, things we never would have believed 30 or 40 years ago.

    Your friend just got sucked in, probably didn't think her presence posed any real danger to you.
     
  6. seeking.IAM

    seeking.IAM Episcopalian Supporter

    +3,588
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    We are required to forgive. We are not required to forget nor are we prohibited from learning from experience. Surrendering your anger toward your friend does not mean you have to allow yourself to ever get in the same position with her again.

    Perhaps you are also angry with yourself for allowing her to come to your house in the first place when you were trying to stay well to visit your sister. Control what you can control. And, forgive yourself, too.
     
  7. Seeking456

    Seeking456 New Member

    2
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    Christian
    Married
    Thank you for your responses. I am feeling like it is time to let the friendship go. I have been very generous and supportive of this woman for some time, helping her out with food and rent money during the pandemic, having her over to socialize (believing that she was being a careful as I was, which is what she had led me to believe.)

    I do feel that I need to respond to her texts (Luke 6:37, Col. 3:13) . . . just not sure what to say, or if it would be too petty to quote scripture right back at her. She actually is studying to get ordained.
     
  8. HARK!

    HARK! Well-Known Member Staff Member Purple Team - Moderator Supporter

    +4,113
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    I easily forgive others who trespass against me; but I also believe that it is wise to keep a safe distance from those who have little regard for the well being of others.

    The Torah calls the unclean to isolate themselves from their brothers and sisters. I believe that fulfilling this commandment from the most high, is an act of love for him, his word, and our associates.


    This in turn would fulfill the two foremost precepts, as revealed by our Messiah, in my opinion.
     
  9. anna ~ grace

    anna ~ grace Newbie Supporter

    +11,471
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    Christian
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    Maybe just let her know that you are going to need some time to process things, and that you would appreciate a bit of time to do that.

    Imho the most useless thing one can do with fellow Christians is Bible-verse spar.
     
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  10. Sophrosyne

    Sophrosyne Let Your Light Shine.. Matt 5:16

    +42,595
    Christian
    I would say that your personality just isn't compatible with hers as a friend and wish her well in life and if you think it if wise to tell her you forgive her although I've sort of feeling that telling her you forgive her may just open you up to more scriptural attacks so I would suggest praying before you reply. If she is somewhat narcissistic anything that you try to say to her that puts her in a less than bright light may be considered an attack on her. People who are all about themselves often just need to be ignored and no emotion wasted on them at all regardless of their rhetoric as some will try to entice you to respond (bait you).

    I've had to rid myself of many people in my life including relatives and I don't feel proud of it at all but I realize my pesonality is not a good one to deal with people that lean towards narcissism and that are manipulative and with big egos as too often these people want the last word and that word is to put you "in your place" and not profitable in the end to give in to their demands at all. They will get you started helping them and before you know it they want to move in and borrow a lot of money and think nothing of it in the end.
     
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  11. Maria Billingsley

    Maria Billingsley Well-Known Member Supporter

    +4,228
    United States
    Christian
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    Well I hope your feeling better and your friend is on the mend. As far as feeling betrayed and used, I just don't see the connection. At the very most, she is one of many who have been decieved into thinking the virus does not exist. Now she knows and I am sure she feels awful about it. So forgive her.
    Be blessed.
     
  12. aiki

    aiki Regular Member

    +3,856
    Canada
    Baptist
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    Your feelings of betrayal - however strong - don't supersede God's command to you to forgive. We all do selfish, stupid things - even you. This is why we need forgiveness. And God is really clear that if we refuse to forgive, He withholds His forgiveness from us.

    Matthew 6:14-15
    14 For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you,
    15 but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

    Your sin did a whole lot more than inconvenience Christ. It cost him his life. Let this fact put your current issue in perspective a bit. You are, as his disciple, to follow his example.

    Ephesians 4:32
    32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
     
  13. bèlla

    bèlla ❤️ Supporter

    +14,767
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    Whether she believed in the virus is immaterial. She entered your home fully aware a problem existed elsewhere. She had the liberty of admitting it and letting you decide or putting her desires first. That’s the route she chose. It was selfish, insensitive, and hazardous to your family’s health.

    Her want to use the Internet was more important. That would be hard to ignore in light of the circumstances. Forgive as the Lord requires and consider the whole of your bond when deciding.

    ~bella
     
  14. Petros2015

    Petros2015 Well-Known Member

    +2,860
    United States
    Eastern Orthodox
    Single
    I'd be curious to see the site/search history of the time spent. Belief/non belief in the virus is immaterial, and I agree with everything you said. I would probably just underline and bold the last sentence as extra important, and then ask "why?" because it sounds like addict (maybe to social media/news sites) behavior

    The site/search history of her time on your net will tell you what she is trying to get ordained for.
    But whether it's for Q-Anon, most liked on Instagram, or an actual ministry class, I don't need think you need a person like this in your life.
     
  15. FreeinChrist

    FreeinChrist CF Advisory team Staff Member Site Advisor Supporter

    +13,951
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    ADVISOR HAT

    A small clean up was done. Please keep your responses directed to the OP.

     
  16. longwait

    longwait Well-Known Member

    +755
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    How cruel of her to do that and then turn the blame on you by pointing out that you are not forgiving enough and judgemental!
     
  17. timf

    timf Regular Member

    665
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    Your friend may not even be a Christian. It can be difficult to discern the difference between a Christian so much in the flesh (selfish) as someone who is unsaved. Sometimes the unsaved can be even more selfless.

    If your friend has not come to you and asked for forgiveness, it is difficult to forgive. Forgiveness is about relationship and it has to be two sided.
     
  18. bèlla

    bèlla ❤️ Supporter

    +14,767
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    The gravity of the situation is serious. This isn't the beginning of the pandemic. We've seen deaths. To ignore it and jeopardize others is horrible. That would be my sticking point. Playing with my life and the lives of my loved ones is unacceptable. We're living with the consequences of her selfishness. I would end the friendship.

    ~bella
     
  19. Hazelelponi

    Hazelelponi Well-Known Member Supporter

    +7,126
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    Here's the deal, I don't go running around to friends houses when I have a cold or the flu... I just don't - why would I? Why would anyone? If your feeling under the weather you stay home, so as not to spread the illness to those who aren't sick.

    Couple that with your sister having a compromised immune system due to Chemo and cancer, and your freind already being aware that you were planning on visiting her (I assume that's the case if your friends) and a conciencous freind would have said, "I'm beginning to feel a little under the weather so I'll decline going over"

    It seems like she's using Scripture as a cop out for her own actions, almost weaponizing forgiveness by saying 'I can do anything I want and not think of others and they have to put up with it because Scripture says they have to forgive me"..

    I can tell you now that's not what Scripture means, yet that's how she's using it. In John it says we are known by our love for one another - she's seemingly being known for her sheer lack of it, because love thinks of others before it thinks of self, something she didn't do the day she came to your house not feeling well.

    You can forgive from a safe distance... she, on the other hand, needs a different heart for others.
     
  20. ViaCrucis

    ViaCrucis Evangelical Catholic of the Augsburg Confession

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    Forgiveness isn't a cudgel that we wield against others to avoid taking responsibility for our actions. Forgiveness is what flows out of God's love and grace for us sinners, and thus demands taking our sins seriously, seriously enough to understand the weight of God's mercy.

    Should you forgive? Of course.
    Should they seek contrition? Yes, absolutely.

    Both are critically essential.

    You are allowed to be hurt by this, being hurt does not place you in the wrong--sin causes hurt, that's what it does, that's why sin is a problem. That's why sin needs forgiveness, that's why Jesus calls us to live reconciled lives--we forgive others just as we are ourselves forgiven; we release others from their debts. And in this we experience the good of what forgiving others grants us, peace from the tyranny of our own anger and bitterness.

    So as far as it is up to you, forgiveness is key. Not as some sort of burden or weight that that you need to suffer immense guilt over; but rather as you wrestle with God and experience God in His word and Sacraments, and through this the Holy Spirit works on your conscience, as He draws you into Christ.

    This does not change the fact that the one who causes offense needs to repent, it does not get them off the hook.

    So now comes the challenge of Christian living: You and your friend making peace, not a hobbled meager peace, but true peace through forgiveness and contrition found in the mercy and love of God which is in Jesus Christ for both of you.

    Pushing against the other often means we disallow ourselves repentance and forgiveness, which is why hearing God's word, experiencing God's grace in Word and Sacrament, is important for Christian life together. God's mercy opens us up to an open vulnerability toward one another in which reconciliation can happen, by giving ourselves to one another. The humility to say we were wrong, we're sorry, and we love the other; and the kindness and love to forgive those who have injured us

    Each of us is both victimizer and victim; as sinners who sin we make victims of our neighbor when we injure them; and therefore we are all of us also the victims of injury done to us.

    The only place where there is peace in all this messiness is the Cross of Jesus Christ our Lord.

    -CryptoLutheran
     
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