unsure

[ark_angel]

OK, so I haven't really posted in quite a long time, though I have made a couple replies. I guess right now, I'm just trying to figure out what to do with myself at this point. I've struggled with an eating disorder for 4-5 years now, though have had problems with food since I was 4 yrs old. I've been hospitalized, though that was more geared to my self-injury, and I have also gone through IOP. IOP was about a year ago and I was never actually graduated out of there, more like taken out of it because I was getting no where, even though I was in it for 2 months. Technically I just kept getting worse. Anywho, after that I was supposed to go to inpatient, but never did. I was doing better, for a time anyway, mainly cause I wanted to get back in school and then because of my now husband.
Well, to get to the point, I guess I don't know what to do at this point. I've been struggling a lot lately (not like I wasn't before, but at least then I was some how able to just force things upon myself and just let the thoughts run through my head still). I did see a doctor about a week ago, since I now have insurance and I did bring up my ED, so now I have to see him a week from now to talk more about my ED and figure out what to do with me. I'm really nervous about that, I don't even know what he can do or suggest. Maybe he'll put me back on meds, which I don't really want, but maybe I need them, I don't know. But what else is there?? I'm in a way scared, but I don't think there's really anything to be scared of.
I also don't know what to do right now, until that time comes. I hate disappointing my husband and certainly hate disappointing God. I just wish there was a way to make things go away so everything will just turn out a bit better then they are right now.
Anyway, I'm not really sure why I'm writing this, I guess I'm just wanting to get my worries out, instead of just keeping them to myself. Well...sorry for the length. I hope you all are doing well and have a happy day

 

[Soulwings]

Hey love... first off, you are not disappointing God, nor should you be disappointing your husband. You are struggling. This is nothing to be ashamed of. You are having a hard time, and you can't help it, really. EDs are diseases. Maybe not physical ones, but they are definitely ailments that cannot be controlled easily, especially when you aren't really in recovery.

One thing I have to ask is - are you in therapy? because that is the main thing I think that your doc would (should) say. Your ED is there for a reason. There are deeper issues than just wanting to be thin (or whatever). A T can help you figure out your triggers, and delve deeper into your psyche than you can by yourself. S/he can also help you manage your day-to-day struggles, and will be an objective third party to aid you in dealing with your husband (and his possible disappointment). So I would highly recommend you looking into this. I've been in therapy for three years, and it's helped me a lot.

Definitely keep posting. There are a lot of good people here who will offer support and encouragement (introduce yourself in the ED/SI/etc. thread... that is the most active one around)... and if you need to talk, I'm here. Btw, there is a number screen up so any numbers that you type can't be see (to avoid triggering anyone if someone tries to type out weight/calories/etc.). So no one can see the numbers that you posted, unless you type them out with letters.

Hang tough. You can make it through this. I hope that your hubby will support you as he ought... have you sat down and talked about it with him??

 

[SoIherdYouLiekMudkipz]

Ok, first of all, god is disappointed in you. He made you fat for a reason, go out to a bakery and please him, some poor sap out there needs a practice chick and for some reason you arent delivering

 

[ark_angel]

Thank you for your reply
As of right now I do not have a therapist, haven't had one since I got out of IOP. The problem if my dr does suggest this (which I'm sure your right he will) is finding the time to go see them. It's hard enough keeping up with school and work, though I'm trying.
My husband is definitely very supportive and I have talked to him many times about my ED. The hardest thing for him, I think, is the fact that he feels like he can't do anything to help me. Basically he feels helpless, like there's nothing he can do to get me through this. Which I'm pretty sure any family member would feel like if their loved one had an ED.
I know it's an illness and all that, but I still feel bad for putting him and everyone else through all this. I think the worst is when I'm depressed and I just go off by myself and just lay there for hours doing nothing.
I guess I have a little less then a week to go til I shall see that doc, and we shall see where things go from there.
Thanks again for the reply and the support!

 

[Soulwings]

You're welcome. It's the least I can do.

I understand about the busyness. I am not working fulltime, but I am working, and I am also in school fulltime. (I tutor 6 hours/wk and am picking up some violin students for extra money... am getting married soon and now and also then the more cash I can save up the better. I am sure you understand this!!) So, in any case, I definitely hear you on the finding time for appointments. However, it's only once a week for 50 minutes or so... as long as you can find one near you, it shouldn't be horrible to try and arrange a time. I will be praying that you find one that is right for you, because I think that therapy can really work miracles in some cases.

I think my fiancé feels helpless sometimes too, but I have given him a few things that he can do to help me. I don't know if this would work for you, but I'm going to allow him to be my "food police" and make sure that I am eating enough for all of my meals. I am aiming for a normal amount of calories and I know how to calorie-count (he doesn't, really), but he knows normal portion sizes better than I do (i.e., whether I've eaten "too much" or not). So that's something that he can do. He can't help loads, but he can support, and maybe you could figure out something small that your husband can do to help you?

Try not to beat yourself up over having an ED. It is an illness, and it can get better... not disappear entirely, but go into remission. I had a few months of remission this past summer and it was fantastic!! hehe. So I hope the same for you.

I hope your doctor's appt goes well. Will be praying about that as well. Hang tough, and remember that you are worth so much more than how you are treating yourself.