Unfit deacon

[Miracle Streep]

My son in law is a deacon at the church I go to. It's a Pentecostal church. The pastor doesn't know him at all. He drinks alot, smokes pot and cigarettes. He won't hold a steady job. Quits job after job. Lazy. Treats his wife (my daughter) horrible! Curses and screams at her and their 2 children. This man is one of the top deacons. He's in charge of money etc. I'm at a loss of what to do. Hard to sit in church and see him sitting upfront beside podium beside the pastor every church service. I don't want to cause my daughter and grandkids problems but this is appalling. I've prayed about it and figured that's all I can do besides telling the pastor. I have refrained from going to pastor. Any suggestions? Should I tell the pastor in confidence?

 

[Tull]

The pastor should know on his own about somebody in such a position....its a matter of church discipline so yes he should be told.

 

[Miracle Streep]

The pastor should know on his own about somebody in such a position....its a matter of church discipline so yes he should be told.

How would he know? My son in law plays a phony. He is entirely different in church. I believe the pastor doesn't check out his deacons lifestyle. How do you really know anybody unless you live with them or are close and see it? I'm very disturbed with the situation. He's just a phony. Not judging him. I pray for him.

 

[Daryl Gleason]

Welcome, and grace and peace to you from our Father and our lord Jesus Christ.

I am in agreement that the pastor should be told. The pastor is responsible for and to all of his flock, and deacons are to be held to high standards. Biblically, I would say that Matthew 18:15-17 and 1 Timothy 3:8-13 apply.

Is there another person who can serve along with you as witness to the pastor? Ideally, it would be best to go with this witness directly to your son-in-law first, but given his behavior and the specific circumstances, going to the pastor may be better.

In any case, I do suggest praying for wisdom (James 1:5), which can help greatly and can give you a sense of what specific steps to take.

In Christ,
Daryl

 

[Miracle Streep]

Welcome, and grace and peace to you from our Father and our lord Jesus Christ.

I am in agreement that the pastor should be told. The pastor is responsible for and to all of his flock, and deacons are to be held to high standards. Biblically, I would say that Matthew 18:15-17 and 1 Timothy 3:8-13 apply.

Is there another person who can serve along with you as witness to the pastor? Ideally, it would be best to go with this witness directly to your son-in-law first, but given his behavior and the specific circumstances, going to the pastor may be better.

In any case, I do suggest praying for wisdom (James 1:5), which can help greatly and can give you a sense of what specific steps to take.

In Christ,
Daryl

Thank you. My husband has talked to him. He sees no wrong in what he does. He's always been good to us pretty much. I'm afraid if I push to hard it will cause friction with my daughter. My daughter defends him until he starts trouble with her then she calls me all upset and ready to leave. She can call him out to me but still defends him other times. I'll pray about talking to pastor. Our pastor made the comment that he's never excommunicated a deacon.

 

[Daryl Gleason]

I hear you. It would be better if you had your daughter's support in going to the pastor. Do you think she would be open to the idea?

The thing is, a pastor has an enormous responsibility to the church, which is to say, to every single person in his congregation. Pastors are even called to give their lives for their church if necessary, like Jesus did (John 10:11); this is how serious the calling of pastor is.

As a result, any influences of Satan in the church, particularly from one who holds the office of deacon, are very serious indeed.

I don't know if your daughter will understand if this is explained to her in this way, but if she were able to see things from the perspective of the good of the church and the integrity of the body, that would be wonderful.

If not, God's wisdom will guide you in what to do. In many years of asking for his wisdom, he has never once let me down, including in the writing of this message.

God is with you always.

In Christ,
Daryl

 

[Tree of Life]

My son in law is a deacon at the church I go to. It's a Pentecostal church. The pastor doesn't know him at all. He drinks alot, smokes pot and cigarettes. He won't hold a steady job. Quits job after job. Lazy. Treats his wife (my daughter) horrible! Curses and screams at her and their 2 children. This man is one of the top deacons. He's in charge of money etc. I'm at a loss of what to do. Hard to sit in church and see him sitting upfront beside podium beside the pastor every church service. I don't want to cause my daughter and grandkids problems but this is appalling. I've prayed about it and figured that's all I can do besides telling the pastor. I have refrained from going to pastor. Any suggestions? Should I tell the pastor in confidence?

Not at first. You should first confront your son-in-law concerning the specific charges that you would bring against him. Be specific about what you're concerned about/what you're accusing him of. Give him a chance to acknowledge his sin and repent.

If he refuses to acknowledge his sin then you should bring another brother into the mix to confront him with these issues. He may repent then, but if he doesn't at least you have two witnesses to his impenitence.

If he continues to refuse to acknowledge his sin then it's time to bring these matters to the pastor.

Hope that helps. More details can be found in Matthew 18.

 

[Miracle Streep]

Thanks. Please pray God gives me the answer.

I hear you. It would be better if you had your daughter's support in going to the pastor. Do you think she would be open to the idea?

The thing is, a pastor has an enormous responsibility to the church, which is to say, to every single person in his congregation. Pastors are even called to give their lives for their church if necessary, like Jesus did (John 10:11); this is how serious the calling of pastor is.

As a result, any influences of Satan in the church, particularly from one who holds the office of deacon, are very serious indeed.

I don't know if your daughter will understand if this is explained to her in this way, but if she were able to see things from the perspective of the good of the church and the integrity of the body, that would be wonderful.

If not, God's wisdom will guide you in what to do. In many years of asking for his wisdom, he has never once let me down, including in the writing of this message.

God is with you always.

In Christ,
Daryl

My daughter won't go to the pastor. She defends him until she needs me to cry to. Then back to defending. Please pray God gives me answers. I like this forum. Very helpful. Your words are very helpful.

 

[Daryl Gleason]

Thanks. Please pray God gives me the answer.

My daughter won't go to the pastor. She defends him until she needs me to cry to. Then back to defending. Please pray God gives me answers. I like this forum. Very helpful. Your words are very helpful.

I understand. It is truly a sensitive situation.

What our brother says in reply #7 is true; this is the prescribed way to proceed according to the strict letter, and if you feel comfortable in the spirit doing that, I do recommend it. The spirit, though, can be a bit more flexible when necessary, and if you feel that following the letter precisely isn't quite the right thing to do in this case, the spirit will still be with you. If this is true for you, it would be a case of "the letter kills, but the spirit gives life." 2 Corinthians 3:6.

In either case, whether confronting your son-in-law directly first or going directly to the pastor, it is likely to cause problems with your daughter, as you expressed. She may not be able to see the bigger picture of what is best for the congregation as a whole, of which she is part. Her husband is essentially living a lie and also serving hypocritically as a deacon by not confessing to the truth (and accepting the consequences) and taking responsibility for his sin. I am sorry for saying this, but the sad fact is that your daughter, by defending him, is complicit in both the lie and the hypocrisy.

It is certainly not an easy decision, but I know that praying for wisdom will help guide you to whatever you feel in your heart you must do, whether to continue to remain silent or to step forward and speak the truth. I also feel that if you are able to talk this over with your husband and reach an agreement, this would be best and would also give you some measure of peace.

It is an honor to help, and I thank you for the opportunity.

In Christ,
Daryl

 

[Daryl Gleason]

Oh, I forgot to mention that certainly, I will be praying for you all.

And I have no doubt at all that if you ask for God's wisdom and believe he will give it to you, he will certainly do so. He greatly loves giving his wisdom to all who ask and believe!

In Christ,
Daryl

 

[Uber Genius]

My son in law is a deacon at the church I go to. It's a Pentecostal church. The pastor doesn't know him at all. He drinks alot, smokes pot and cigarettes. He won't hold a steady job. Quits job after job. Lazy. Treats his wife (my daughter) horrible! Curses and screams at her and their 2 children. This man is one of the top deacons. He's in charge of money etc. I'm at a loss of what to do. Hard to sit in church and see him sitting upfront beside podium beside the pastor every church service. I don't want to cause my daughter and grandkids problems but this is appalling. I've prayed about it and figured that's all I can do besides telling the pastor. I have refrained from going to pastor. Any suggestions? Should I tell the pastor in confidence?

Wow if your pastor, "Drinks a lot, smokes pot and cigarettes, and won't hold a steady job," your son's deaconship is the least of your worries.

Sorry, but you dangles the modifier.

Yes, leave the church. The pastor is putting hypocrites in leadership roles. This is an immature pastor. How can he lead when he is in such great need of the most basic instruction. Now if he is called (the pastor), the why can't he hear from the spirit about the lack of qualifications of your son for deacon?

No discernment either through earthly or spiritual wisdom again is a good reason to leave the church and stop trusting his message.

Give your son one month to pay rent, one second to quit pot, and smoke outside the house. If he doesn't work, kick him to the street. He is lazy and a hypocrite. He is not going to get better unless he if forced to make tough choices.

His next deaconship will be state prison. Act now.

 

[Goatee]

Tell the pastor. Do what 'YOU' think is right.

 

[WolfGate]

Go tell the Pastor. The sins that the Pastor needs to know about (unqualified to be a Deacon) are sins against the church and the Pastor is the one charged with spiritual responsibility for the church. While Matthew 18 certainly applies, you are not expected to pick up the burden of confronting him on behalf of the church. That is the Pastor and the rest of church leadership's responsibility.

 

[Protos]

You mention your son-in-law sees no wrong in his actions. That's classic for a self-centered (not the same as selfish) person who doesn't know better. Try to explain to him that screaming, esp in front of children is not the solution to whatever imaginary problem/attack he feels he's repulsing. Educate him on whatever he thinks is the proper motivation for that. He's lazy and smokes pot, etc. I don't know what to say about that. Professional help would probably be the best if he agrees.

 

[carol m]

My son in law is a deacon at the church I go to. It's a Pentecostal church. The pastor doesn't know him at all. He drinks alot, smokes pot and cigarettes. He won't hold a steady job. Quits job after job. Lazy. Treats his wife (my daughter) horrible! Curses and screams at her and their 2 children. This man is one of the top deacons. He's in charge of money etc. I'm at a loss of what to do. Hard to sit in church and see him sitting upfront beside podium beside the pastor every church service. I don't want to cause my daughter and grandkids problems but this is appalling. I've prayed about it and figured that's all I can do besides telling the pastor. I have refrained from going to pastor. Any suggestions? Should I tell the pastor in confidence?[/QUOTE

You mention your son-in-law sees no wrong in his actions. That's classic for a self-centered (not the same as selfish) person who doesn't know better. Try to explain to him that screaming, esp in front of children is not the solution to whatever imaginary problem/attack he feels he's repulsing. Educate him on whatever he thinks is the proper motivation for that. He's lazy and smokes pot, etc. I don't know what to say about that. Professional help would probably be the best if he agrees.

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