Unfaithful behaviour, what to do next?

[L.Prentice]

Good afternoon, I am here to seek guidance as I feel like I am completely lost.

I found out two days ago that my husband kissed another woman and I am so confused as to how I should proceed. My vows mean a great deal to me, but how do I live my life with a man who has such disregard for my feelings.

For the past 6 months I have been certain that he has become more distant from me and ask regularly if he is still happy or whether there is a problem. Every time he tells me there is no problem, he is happy and loves me but gets angry when I ask and tells me to stop being so paranoid. I usually leave the issue as we have promised each other regularly that we would always talk through any problems that arise as and when they do.

However I found out from a friend 2 days ago that 4 weeks ago he has been on a work night out and has gotten very drunk and kissed another woman. This woman is his colleague and they work together regularly (they are police officers). They both say it was a drunken mistake, but before the kiss she says he told her that we are unhappy, have been discussing divorcing for the last 7 months and sleep in seperate rooms which is untrue.

I have always been clear that I will not accept unfaithful behaviour, and the lie and the kiss have both hurt me in ways I never thought possible. How can I ever trust him again? He says he has felt unhappy for a while but the only explanation I have gotten for why is that he "doesn't like to fail". I don't know if I can move forward, but I don't know if divorce is the answer.

I am so lost.

 

[Tolworth John]

Good afternoon, I am here to seek guidance as I feel like I am completely lost.

I found out two days ago that my husband kissed another woman and I am so confused as to how I should proceed. My vows mean a great deal to me, but how do I live my life with a man who has such disregard for my feelings.

For the past 6 months I have been certain that he has become more distant from me and ask regularly if he is still happy or whether there is a problem. Every time he tells me there is no problem, he is happy and loves me but gets angry when I ask and tells me to stop being so paranoid. I usually leave the issue as we have promised each other regularly that we would always talk through any problems that arise as and when they do.

However I found out from a friend 2 days ago that 4 weeks ago he has been on a work night out and has gotten very drunk and kissed another woman. This woman is his colleague and they work together regularly (they are police officers). They both say it was a drunken mistake, but before the kiss she says he told her that we are unhappy, have been discussing divorcing for the last 7 months and sleep in seperate rooms which is untrue.

I have always been clear that I will not accept unfaithful behaviour, and the lie and the kiss have both hurt me in ways I never thought possible. How can I ever trust him again? He says he has felt unhappy for a while but the only explanation I have gotten for why is that he "doesn't like to fail". I don't know if I can move forward, but I don't know if divorce is the answer.

I am so lost.

From your post you appear to have issues with trusting your husband.
What you have reported is he had too much to drink an kissed another women.
You as a reuslt are talking of divorce.
That you see this as a betrayal I understand, what I don't understand is why you see it as a betrayal.

Please seek councelling about your marriage, I am cocerned that by being constantly suspicious of your husband you will end your marriage.

 

[FullQuiver]

From your post you appear to have issues with trusting your husband.
What you have reported is he had too much to drink an kissed another women.
You as a reuslt are talking of divorce.
That you see this as a betrayal I understand, what I don't understand is why you see it as a betrayal.

Please seek councelling about your marriage, I am cocerned that by being constantly suspicious of your husband you will end your marriage.

Why wouldn’t she see her husband kissing another woman as a betrayal? It appears her suspicions were well founded as there is this developing relationship at work and he has been telling his colleague that they are talking about divorce and sleep in separate rooms which the OP says is not true.

 

[L.Prentice]

Correct we share a bed and have never mentioned divorce previously.

I have always been clear to him from when we began dating that I see kissing as unforgivable and he chose to do it anyway.

I was never suspicious that he would be unfaithful as I never believed he would break his vow. I was only asking whether he was OK as he did not seem happy and I wanted to help or work to correct that. He has since said that he has in fact been unhappy for all of that time and just lied to me anyway. He chose to be unfaithful rather than seek help and counselling in the months prior to this happening. This I see as a betrayal

 

[Tolworth John]

Correct we share a bed and have never mentioned divorce previously.

I have always been clear to him from when we began dating that I see kissing as unforgivable and he chose to do it anyway.

I was never suspicious that he would be unfaithful as I never believed he would break his vow. I was only asking whether he was OK as he did not seem happy and I wanted to help or work to correct that. He has since said that he has in fact been unhappy for all of that time and just lied to me anyway. He chose to be unfaithful rather than seek help and counselling in the months prior to this happening. This I see as a betrayal

I can only encourage you to seek counceling for your marriage or to ask him to explain why he has been unhappy and why he lied to you about it.

If he is not willing to talk about this ether just to you or with a councellor.
I am afraid your marriage is ending.

Do seek to talk about this with a councellor.

 

[FullQuiver]

Correct we share a bed and have never mentioned divorce previously.

I have always been clear to him from when we began dating that I see kissing as unforgivable and he chose to do it anyway.

I was never suspicious that he would be unfaithful as I never believed he would break his vow. I was only asking whether he was OK as he did not seem happy and I wanted to help or work to correct that. He has since said that he has in fact been unhappy for all of that time and just lied to me anyway. He chose to be unfaithful rather than seek help and counselling in the months prior to this happening. This I see as a betrayal

It is a betrayal, you are not wrong for thinking that. At this point, I would say he needs to transfer departments to completely remove this other woman from his life. Based on what he’s been telling her and the amount of time he spends with her, I don’t think that it will be conducive to repairing your marriage if he is still in that scenario. Beyond that, I think you now have probable cause to monitor his communications on his computer and cell phone, there are apps and programs by which you can do that.

 

[Sarah G]

I totally agree that the lie and the kiss are betrayal. The lie is worse than the kiss, in my opinion, because drunken kisses happen without really engaging the brain but such a lie seems pre-meditated and sly. I can understand how upset you are about it all. It will feel devastating for sure. It seems necessary to understand what he means by 'doesn't like to fail'. Did he feel that marrying was the wrong decision but that he was on a runaway horse and didn't want to 'fail' by calling off the wedding? Police officers drink hard together I think and are notoriously difficult marriage partners? Still, neither of those are satisfactory explanations. Well, it seems I am empathising rather than advising. If I have advice then it is to take refuge in prayer and let Lord Jesus Christ be your light and shepherd working through this difficult period in your life. I don't think you should rush into anything, either making up or separating/divorcing. Let the situation calm a little. Love him and forgive him as a brother in Christ or if he is an atheist then as a neighbour. Pray for him. Don't lower your standards, keep your eyes on Lord Jesus Christ. Stay strong, sister.

 

[L.Prentice]

Thank you for those kind words Sarah, empathy is appreciated more than you can imagine at this time where I feel so alone.

The lie is most definitely worse than the kiss as I feel as though he has planned this for a while. Also worse than the kiss is being made to feel that I am going mad and am being paranoid believing he is unhappy, when he was in fact unhappy. We could have sought help months ago and possibly be recovering by now. But this is something I will never forget and will struggle to forgive, so will we just be making each other unhappy in the future? Because now I will never trust him. He promised to speak to me whenever a problem came up, he didn't. He promised me he would be faithful, he wasn't. He promised me that there would never be any secrets, and there were as he admitted he didn' tell me as he thought he would get away with it. How can I ever believe in what he says again.

 

[NMD]

I am in same exact situation and I'm the sending end. Best way is to seek counseling and give it another shot. If it fails to workout reality has to be faced. One step at a time.