Turning the other cheek with ex?

[LuckyCharm]

I have a very dysfunctional relationship with an ex-boyfriend. Every time we talk, I get upset, sometimes to the point where it affects my sleep and my health in general. I want to cut him out of my life, but I cannot get past Jesus's commands to "turn the other cheek," "love your enemies," forgive seventy times seven, etc.

Anyone else ever been in this type of situation? What do you do?

~~Cheryl

 

[FaithfulServant]

Oh honey, can I relate to you! God obviously sent me to this page!
My exboyfriend and I had a very dysfunctional relationship. He still tries to talk to me and it was be very frusterating because I feel the same way you do. I want to show EVERYONE love and forgiveness, etc

Everytime I talk to him though, it just pushes al my buttons and make me very angry sometimes, which is not the way I should act. I have forgiven and if you have also forgiven him, then this is what I advise:

I know that you feel that because you are a Christian you should continue talking to him and treat him nicely. However, everytime you talk it makes you upset. This may be God's way of telling you that it is not benefitting you or your exboyfriend to continue speaking to each other. I'm not saying you can never talk to each other for the rest of your lives. But, God might be wanting you to grow closer to God SEPERATELY. If you talking to him causes you to fall in your walk by it inhibiting your health or enraging you and causing you to feel not-so-Christianly, then you do not need to associate with him anymore.

If it is necessary, and in my case it was because he was constantly trying to talk to me, you may need to block his email address, AIM name, phone, etc. I don't know to what extent things are in yoru relationship though.

Please realize that although Jesus said to turn the other cheek and forgive, you have forgiven him, but that doesn't mean that you are a doormat that can be stomped on. Your exboyfriend knows what buttons to push to upset you. God may be calling you to be alone for a time away from conversations or reminders of him. I had to completly cut off my exboyfriend in order for me to grow in my new relationship and I am so thankful I did. God has helped me grow so much now that I don't talk to him anymore and I feel so much better.

If you would ever like to tell your story I'd love to hear, you can just tell me your AIM name and we can chat someday, I'd love to help you and just listen. I know sometimes you just need to let it all out.

God Bless ,

Steffani

 

[FaithfulServant]

Oh, and I don't know if you are in a new relationship yet, but if you are or are ever planning to be, having an exboyfriend who makes you feel negative/bad/sad/grumpy/not sleeping looming in the background and upsetting you would not be a good asset to bring into the new relationship.

 

[LuckyCharm]

Hi Steffani, and thanks for the wonderfully thoughtful reply! However, I wouldn't use AIM to save my life.... ;-) (I work for Microsoft!)

I know you said we don't have to be doormats. But, do you know of any Scriptural support for this position? I would LOVE to block my ex's emails and messages, but I just don't feel I can as long as I don't feel it's what Jesus would do!

~~Cheryl

 

[LifeInYou]

If continuing to speak with him is affecting your sleep and health, then it has to be affecting your other relationships, and daily life activities as well, right? It could be affecting your time spent with Christ, with family, with the ministry you serve in, etc. etc. Sometimes I believe it is necessary to cut unhealthy relationships off (in as kind a matter as possible). Ask yourself this: Does your relationship with him affect your work for the Lord, or your efforts to be more like Christ? Does it benefit these efforts? We cannot possibly be truly loving to everyone, because loving someone requires respecting them, valuing them, and spending time with them. But we *can* love someone, hopefully more than just one person. It sounds like this someone (your ex) will have to be 'loved' by someone else...and there's nothing wrong with that.

 

[Beauty4Ashes]

hmmm, yess..i think i know the feeling. I've finally realized that less to no contact is the best way for my emotional, spiritual, and mental health and well being with my ex. That was my greatest fear before that we'd lose contact with eachother and not be constant friends in eachother's lives. But I realize as long as we were staying up to date with eachother, it was just dragging me down and depressing me. So the best thing for me has been to finally distance myself, especially since he's not really making all the best choices in his life right now and I don't need people like him keeping me sidetracked. I never thought I'd get to this point. But I'm actually happiest now when I don't talk to him or see him. So yea, it took me a good while to allow it to get there though because I always thought that if someone comes into your life that they should stay and must be there for a purpose. But trying to be friends with him was just stressing me out. And though I've done forgiving. He hasn't asked for any forgiveness nor has he repented or confessed of anything or taken the blame for anythying in the past. And since I have found out some things that would seem to point towards him as being dishonest with me, and he hasn't bothered to confess these things to me; I'm just leaving him be and living my life and loving God. I pray that you allow yourself to do the same. It will get better and you will be happier. I know it.

 

[LuckyCharm]

Ask yourself this: Does your relationship with him affect your work for the Lord, or your efforts to be more like Christ? Does it benefit these efforts?

The answers to these questions are obvious. However, did Jesus ever say, "Turn the other cheek, EXCEPT when that would impact your work for the Kingdom"? Or "Love your enemies, EXCEPT when it might affect your health"? Etc.

Jesus didn't offer any qualifications. Should we?

~~Cheryl

 

[FaithfulServant]

The Bible does say to treat your body like a temple, 1 Corinthians 6:19. Are you doing this by losing sleep and nourshing your spiritual life less?

 

[FaithfulServant]

Ephesians 4:26 "Don't sin by letting anger gain control over you. Don't let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a mighty foothold to the Devil."

 

[LuckyCharm]

Interesting -- here's what one writer has to say on this topic:

To leave an abusive relationship, for example, IS to turn the other cheek. It is to stand up after the first blows, and to accept the secondary impact that comes with letting go of the time, and emotion, and the commitment invested in the relationship. To sever the connection, and to seek justice without looking for vengeance, is living into God’s mercy. To be able to love enough to refuse to allow evil to continue is as radical as it gets.

I think we can use a broad definition of "abusive" to include "dysfunctional." The message is the same. Thoughts, comments, anyone?

~~Cheryl

 

[jenptcfan]

Reminds me of a similar thread I started awhile back. http://www.christianforums.com/t100047

I don't think that by putting yourself in a situation where you maintain contact with this guy, you're turning the other cheek. If you're putting yourself in a situation where you know that on a regular basis, he is going to do something that makes you angry, and that basically you have a feeling of dislike towards him because of this, how is that turning the other cheek any more than having a talk with him and saying something like: "Look, I don't want us to hold any grudges with one another, and in order for me to do that, I need for us to have distance between us and not talk very often."

I can tell you that with my ex, I would forgive him, and then he would constantly come up with something for the express purpose of riling me. That wasn't a healthy situation and I was just feeding him any time I would respond to him. I was also very angry with him. Now that he has finally gotten the picture and stopped contacting me like that and we don't talk unless there's a reason to, I don't have that anger in my heart towards him and I feel like I can love him as a fellow Christian (from a distance!).

Turning the other cheek is about finding a peaceful solution to the problem instead of repaying them for the bad things they've done. In some cases, the most peaceful solution is to put distance between ourselves.

 

[klewlis]

Reminds me of a similar thread I started awhile back. http://www.christianforums.com/t100047

I don't think that by putting yourself in a situation where you maintain contact with this guy, you're turning the other cheek. If you're putting yourself in a situation where you know that on a regular basis, he is going to do something that makes you angry, and that basically you have a feeling of dislike towards him because of this, how is that turning the other cheek any more than having a talk with him and saying something like: "Look, I don't want us to hold any grudges with one another, and in order for me to do that, I need for us to have distance between us and not talk very often."

I can tell you that with my ex, I would forgive him, and then he would constantly come up with something for the express purpose of riling me. That wasn't a healthy situation and I was just feeding him any time I would respond to him. I was also very angry with him. Now that he has finally gotten the picture and stopped contacting me like that and we don't talk unless there's a reason to, I don't have that anger in my heart towards him and I feel like I can love him as a fellow Christian (from a distance!).

Turning the other cheek is about finding a peaceful solution to the problem instead of repaying them for the bad things they've done. In some cases, the most peaceful solution is to put distance between ourselves.

I agree completely!

Depending on your relationship, you may have to wean yourself (and him) off of the relationship slowly, rather than abruptly cutting off all contact. But definitely don't continue to pursue a harmful and damaging friendship.