Trouble having sex first time

[Dragonfruit10]

Hi there, my husband and I are newly weds and are having a lot of difficulty having sex. I experience pain when he inserts just one finger and as such we have yet to progress past that, much less to full consummation. As it is both our first times, I feel quite nervous and flinch / tense a lot, even with gentle touches. At times he cannot even insert his finger. When I do manage to relax, the pain goes away. However it is very hard to relax when I'm acutely aware that pain is just round the corner. Does anyone have a similar experience or any advice for relaxing and not anticipating pain so much? Is this normal and how can I overcome it? Will greatly appreciate prayers as well

 

[Dave G.]

It would probably be good for an experienced woman to reply to you but even so it's not like I don't have experience after 40+ years of being married . Might I suggest some really heated foreplay, really enjoy getting into that, Let him excite your hot spots before inserting anything anywhere. I might add to use plenty of lube. You will know when you are ready. Try to relax in that and enjoy each other, God made man and woman, when married your body is his and his is yours to enjoy so enjoy it in ways that you can till the time is right.

 

[Darkhorse]

A question you need to answer for yourself: Is the anticipation of pain your only source of anxiety, or are there issues in your past (including attitudes towards sex) that intensify your anxiety? If so, you might benefit from counseling from a trusted therapist.

If it's purely physical, some vaginal-health issues (like yeast infections) can be irritating and result in pain. Otherwise, frequent and patient practice with fingers (yours and his) might make the good feelings more common, and the experience more "normal".

Wash fingers first...

 

[Dave-W]

Hi there, my husband and I are newly weds and are having a lot of difficulty having sex. I experience pain when he inserts just one finger and as such we have yet to progress past that, much less to full consummation. As it is both our first times, I feel quite nervous and flinch / tense a lot, even with gentle touches. At times he cannot even insert his finger. When I do manage to relax, the pain goes away. However it is very hard to relax when I'm acutely aware that pain is just round the corner. Does anyone have a similar experience or any advice for relaxing and not anticipating pain so much? Is this normal and how can I overcome it? Will greatly appreciate prayers as well

First off - WELCOME to the forums!

Secondly - I have read that this is not an uncommon problem. You should go to your Gynecologist. I am sure they have probably dealt with it several times. The usual treatment (after determining that the cause is not an infection or other malady) is a series of stretching exercises.

 

[Dave G.]

Also, use plenty of sex lube and that goes for the external stimulation too. If you aren't relaxing and enjoying what is happening you probably aren't producing much if any natural lubrication inside, and obviously you wouldn't outside anyway. No lubrication for a woman hurts, plus it's about impossible to get anything in there.

I'm sorry to be sounding graphic LOL ! It's just that facts are facts.

 

[Dragonfruit10]

Thank you very much for all your responses. Dave, thank you especially for your reminder that God made our bodies to fit so they most certainly will!

I think the anxiety comes almost entirely from the pain / expectation of pain. The pain is mostly at the point of insertion - I am particularly sensitive at the vaginal entrance and have the most difficulty relaxing at that juncture as well.

Girl on top positions help me to feel more in control and I am better able to relax.

Would appreciate any other tips like angles / relaxation exercises etc

 

[Dave-W]

Girl on top positions help me to feel more in control and I am better able to relax.

Yeah - that helped us too back in the day.

 

[Dave G.]

Thank you very much for all your responses. Dave, thank you especially for your reminder that God made our bodies to fit so they most certainly will!

I think the anxiety comes almost entirely from the pain / expectation of pain. The pain is mostly at the point of insertion - I am particularly sensitive at the vaginal entrance and have the most difficulty relaxing at that juncture as well.

Girl on top positions help me to feel more in control and I am better able to relax.

Would appreciate any other tips like angles / relaxation exercises etc

Without knowing anything medical etc, I think you just need to get more heated up and lubed up. Positions and angle can be fun to play with but too much interruption while changing it up can lose the mood too, at least for my wife. She gets herself into this dream state and doesn't want anything messing with it .

 

[ChristopherK]

I'd agree with foreplay beforehand. Women especially like more foreplay before sex anyway since it stimulates the mind/emotions so that should help. If you'd like, you can also put a pillow underneath the base of your back so your pelvis is arched or lifted a bit so that when he enters it not only SHOULD help after foreplay, but increases a women's sexual stimulation.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

Sadly my wife has not worked past her fear, so she thinks there will always be pain. I pray you are able to overcome this so you two can lead a wonderful sex life.

 

[Dave G.]

Some women just don't want to be touched in that way too. It's unfortunate when that gets revealed after the wedding vows are taken.

 

[Paidiske]

If this has been going on for very long - more than a few attempts - I'd consider a chat to a good GP. There are conditions such as vaginismus, which can cause this sort of problem, and while you may not have such a condition, it would be good to rule it out.

 

[Dave-W]

Some women just don't want to be touched in that way too. It's unfortunate when that gets revealed after the wedding vows are taken.

That is true; but since the OP was a woman asking for help, I do not think that is the case here.

 

[Glowing]

Hi there, my husband and I are newly weds and are having a lot of difficulty having sex. I experience pain when he inserts just one finger and as such we have yet to progress past that, much less to full consummation. As it is both our first times, I feel quite nervous and flinch / tense a lot, even with gentle touches. At times he cannot even insert his finger. When I do manage to relax, the pain goes away. However it is very hard to relax when I'm acutely aware that pain is just round the corner. Does anyone have a similar experience or any advice for relaxing and not anticipating pain so much? Is this normal and how can I overcome it? Will greatly appreciate prayers as well

Hey great, great question! Thank you for your bravery in asking. I was very relieved to read that when you are able to relax that the pain does go away.

So let's focus on just that. Relaxation. Comfort. Cuddling. Remember, just because you want to have sexual intercourse, doesn't always mean that your body IS ready for such an act. And if it's not ready, then pushing in past the vaginal entrance will just leave you more and more painful and not wanting to ever have to do that again. So what can you do? First off, keep talking with your husband. Letting him know that your entrance is tight. But not only is it probably tight, it's probably dry. Your body can make enough moisture eventually, but sometimes it needs help.

And help may not be in the way you initially think. So let me explain it like this. Have you ever had a sore muscle in your arm or your leg? What did you do about it? Well first off, you probably rested it. But then you started to stretch it and massage it. Dry massage might work, but lotion or an oil would be easier and smoother. But if you never touched that leg muscle, never massaged it because it hurt, never tried to use that muscle...then it will remain stiff and frozen. The same thing is happening at your vaginal entrance. You have got to touch it. This may come as a shock to you, but touching your body is NOT A SIN. It is NOT DIRTY. There is not a verse anywhere in scripture that condemns a woman touching her body.....ANYWHERE or EVERYWHERE.

So that is exactly what I'm encouraging you to do, touch and massage your body for 15-20 minutes. Once a day for a month. A solid month. Yes, even on your period. If it's too messy, then do it in the bath or shower. Take some coconut oil or lubricant, on your fingers and gently start massaging the external part of your vaginal area. While doing so, remember to breathe in to your belly. Short shallow breaths into your chest will just keep you worked up, but slow deep breaths will help your body to relax. After the first 5 minutes working the top external area, then slowing work down with your fingers to the vaginal entrance. Your body may initially be surprised at the touch, but keep it slow and gentle. You will probably be more relaxed knowing it's just you touching, versus your husband touching because you instinctively know where it hurts whereas he wouldn't.

So keep going and slowly allow yourself to go deeper. Maybe for the first 5-7 days, don't even try to insert a finger. Because you need time to feel comfortable with your own touch. And never, ever, ever push in until your comfortable. Just slowing "dance" around the edges, remembering to breathe, until your body naturally relaxes (AND IT WILL!!! I PROMISE YOU!!!!!!!!!) and as it does gently insert one or two fingers and allow your body to accept it.

Keep doing this for the full 30 days. I also would encourage you to journal in a small notebook (yes, actually write it out versus just taking a mental note of it) and watch yourself slowly change over the many days. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised at how your body begins to become more lubricated and juicy...and more relaxed.

Then when it is time for you and your husband to be together, ask him to be very slow with you. I mean super slow. Allow time for the natural lubrication to be formed, and use other lubrications (like coconut oil). If you're not ready and open for him to come inside of you, then be honest enough to tell him. From what you have written already, your new husband sounds like an absolute gem of an understanding and loving man. And I'm sure, extremely sure, that he would never want to do anything that would cause you great pain and suffering...and that includes sex. So know that it's never your "duty" to be penetrated in sexual intercourse. The Bible says to render due benevolence, and there are many other ways to give that benevolence to your husband other than your vaginal area. Your hand or your mouth are also acceptable

Let me know if you have any more questions!

 

[Sijambo]

I recommend some vaginal dilating, best if done yourself while masturbating, either alone or when getting warmed up for sex. Search for Inspire soft dilators on Amazon. My wife is petite and has not given vaginal delivery birth. This strategy has made a huge difference for us and has kept her pain-free in the bedroom. You'll likely need to achieve the largest of the set before intercourse would be comfortable. You'll probably have better success if you do it yourself, at least at first. Good luck.

 

[Goatee]

Really, is this the right forum to discuss sex?

 

[Neostarwcc]

Really, is this the right forum to discuss sex?

Why not? It's the Married couples forum.

 

[Goatee]

I meant the whole site!

 

[Neostarwcc]

I meant the whole site!

Well married couples have sex so I'd say It's the appropriate forum. Gotta post it somewhere especially when you're having problems like the OP is.

 

[Dave G.]

She mentioned woman on top was working for her as she felt in control, obviously from that position she is free to let herself take in what she feels comfortable with. But also that is a position that some women like for the added stimulation of deep penetration as well. She can control from that position just what gets stimulated. My original thought is she might have not been aroused enough, this leaves the cervix near the entrance, only 2-3" inside. As arousal comes it moves back and also with more arousal light touching against it can be nice feeling for some woman ( not all). But when not ready very painful. So , now that we haven't seen her since June around here, I think she has worked all that stuff out for herself !