- Oct 5, 2019
- 6
- 7
- 45
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- Married
Several years ago I began having episodes while working at my job. While driving an ambulance code 3 to the hospital I began losing feeling feeling in my arms, sometimes my legs, and sometimes time would seem to be missing. Working as a firefighter in a rough city and having an epidemic of overdoses was pushing me to a point of mentally breaking. I would binge drink off and on. I saw a lot of bad things. The last thing that sent me over was a hanging. As we walked up to the apartment on the bottom floor the wife, on her knees was screaming uncontrollably. When I walked in the house I looked as the man was being cut down by a police officer and dropping to the floor. As i glanced to the left I see two little girls and quickly noticed they were wearing the same school uniform my daughter wears. I realize the girl is in my daughters class as they are rather social and always had friends over. I dont remember much after that. I just grabbed the girls and rushed them out of the apartment. As I got older and more experienced I thought it would get easier. Later that week my daughter told me her friends dad died and they were moving. I saw on a facebook group the mother selling off all their toys so they could gather money to move north to herr parents.At 16 years I dont know how I can do another day. I have been on light duty for almost a year. I was diagnosed with PTSD and a blood pressure that needs 5 meds a day to control. I am 40 years old now and received cardiac catheterization during my light duty as I had chest pain one day and tests revealed a possible block.
I have been given a therapist and a psychiatrist and have been seeing them since January of this year. They both diagnosed me PTSD and depression. I didnt leave my house for months save the psych appointments and kids school. I am up to 8 meds and am going through disability at the fire dept. The meds make me feel so bad and can barely do anything. Im so fatigued all the time. Im at the end of my disability and now one of the Independent Medical Examiners writes a reports thats says Im lying and faking. I have been having such a hard time accepting what Im going through and this last report has really destroyed my hope. If I get denied disability I dont know how I will continue. Three workers comp doctors say I cant work and two insurance doctors say I can. Even returning to light duty was difficult for me. I was given an assignment in a different part if the city so I wouldn't have to be around the fire dept. Even the site of rescue truck would bring me to tears. I now work in the fire administration building doing basic things to help out when needed but my doctors still won't allow me to visit the stations, mostly because of my lack of desire to. My doctor wanted me to EMDR but I couldn't bear to do it. I didnt even want to talk about work any more. I dont see the point. I know scripture says, 8Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.... I dont know how thinking on traumatic events is a good thing, thats what EMDR is. You are forced to relive the trauma every appointment together. My hope is I get my disability and I leave and go work part time and/or volunteer somewhere. I dont know what I will do if I dont get it. I really need some help. I need prayer. I dont know how good secular psychiatrists are. The psychiatrist seems nice enough but nobody can handle spiritual problems. I feel like these men cant understand me. I feel like we are just meant to endure. Ive had many really bad days. Days that were so unbearable I begged God for death. Watching people destroy their lives every day has taken its toll. I was getting up to 6 overdoses a day with 3-4 deaths a week, just in my small city. This world is so blind. I always felt so overloaded with empathy toward each patient that I couldn't bear their burdens anymore. I couldn't do my job. I even began cursing them and calling them junkies, even telling some I wish they were dead after bringing them back to life for the third time that day. Here I am, claiming to be a Christian. I think its time for me to hang it up.
I have been given a therapist and a psychiatrist and have been seeing them since January of this year. They both diagnosed me PTSD and depression. I didnt leave my house for months save the psych appointments and kids school. I am up to 8 meds and am going through disability at the fire dept. The meds make me feel so bad and can barely do anything. Im so fatigued all the time. Im at the end of my disability and now one of the Independent Medical Examiners writes a reports thats says Im lying and faking. I have been having such a hard time accepting what Im going through and this last report has really destroyed my hope. If I get denied disability I dont know how I will continue. Three workers comp doctors say I cant work and two insurance doctors say I can. Even returning to light duty was difficult for me. I was given an assignment in a different part if the city so I wouldn't have to be around the fire dept. Even the site of rescue truck would bring me to tears. I now work in the fire administration building doing basic things to help out when needed but my doctors still won't allow me to visit the stations, mostly because of my lack of desire to. My doctor wanted me to EMDR but I couldn't bear to do it. I didnt even want to talk about work any more. I dont see the point. I know scripture says, 8Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.... I dont know how thinking on traumatic events is a good thing, thats what EMDR is. You are forced to relive the trauma every appointment together. My hope is I get my disability and I leave and go work part time and/or volunteer somewhere. I dont know what I will do if I dont get it. I really need some help. I need prayer. I dont know how good secular psychiatrists are. The psychiatrist seems nice enough but nobody can handle spiritual problems. I feel like these men cant understand me. I feel like we are just meant to endure. Ive had many really bad days. Days that were so unbearable I begged God for death. Watching people destroy their lives every day has taken its toll. I was getting up to 6 overdoses a day with 3-4 deaths a week, just in my small city. This world is so blind. I always felt so overloaded with empathy toward each patient that I couldn't bear their burdens anymore. I couldn't do my job. I even began cursing them and calling them junkies, even telling some I wish they were dead after bringing them back to life for the third time that day. Here I am, claiming to be a Christian. I think its time for me to hang it up.