Torment

[ST673]

I have struggled with OCD for basically my whole life. I don't remember not having it. In the spring it was confession about bad thoughts when I was little I would throw up if I thought of a bad word but now it's that obsession that I have to be this person at Wal-Mart that witnesses to people. My brain tells me it's from God but from my life experience it feels like OCD. I'm tormented I'm afraid I'm anxious I can't rest I've lost about 5lbs in a few days and if I manage to eat to keep from passing out I just want to throw up. In true OCD fashion I feel like these symptoms won't go away unless I do these things at Wal-Mart and I don't want to. It wouldn't be authentic it would be out of fear and to relieve a compulsion. I love Jesus and get excited when I think about God using me to share him In fact my son was baptised last week.( Praise God) but I'm terrified of being this Wal-Mart evangelist getting all in people's faces and I feel like it won't release me. I know that giving in to a compulsion makes the cycle stronger. I can't live like this. And I love my life. I have a beautiful life and when not under OCD attack I'm so happy. But this makes me feel like I want to leave this world to stop the torment. I wouldn't leave my family but it seems the only thing to stop the torment. It makes me want to stay away from church and stat away from my bible. I'm at the end of my rope.

 

[God is good]

My name is Zack and I'm a christian who also has ocd really bad, I get bad thoughts and the compulsions can be bad too, God loves you and Jesus Christ is Lord. When it comes to the Wallmart thing, if you feel like you should witness then go ahead, but if you know it's just the ocd then maybe pray about it. Please don't stop reading the Bible because it's God's word and it really helps. God loves you so much and He will always be with you. Have a blessed night and Jesus is Lord

 

[ST673]

My name is Zack and I'm a christian who also has ocd really bad, I get bad thoughts and the compulsions can be bad too, God loves you and Jesus Christ is Lord. When it comes to the Wallmart thing, if you feel like you should witness then go ahead, but if you know it's just the ocd then maybe pray about it. Please don't stop reading the Bible because it's God's word and it really helps. God loves you so much and He will always be with you. Have a blessed night and Jesus is Lord

Thanks Zach, I feel it is the OCD. Thank you for your kind words. I will pray for you and the OCD as well

 

[Mari17]

I'm so glad that you posted. I'm going through a similar struggle right now and I know exactly how you feel. Go with your gut, your "life experience," as you call it. If it feels like OCD, it usually is. I know our brains come up with all sorts of reasons why it isn't. But I think you know how to identify that OCD feeling. That feeling of dread, of pressure and feeling like you "have" to do something. DON'T DO IT. I'm having almost the exact same trouble, trying to distinguish between conviction and OCD. But there's a whole different feel with OCD. I know it and I think you do too. I know how hard it is, because I feel like my obsession won't release me either. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place - I can't do it (what my obsession is telling me to) and I can't not do it. You're right, giving in to the compulsion will strengthen OCD. Don't do it. If it has that characteristic OCD feel, don't do it. I know it feels awful, it feels like the anxiety will eat you alive. Persevere. Push through. If you persist long enough, the anxiety will have to give in. Of course I'm having trouble following my advice, but for better or worse there it is. I'll post a link to an article that I think you'll find helpful. And by all means, keep reaching out for help!
http://ocdandchristianity.com/?p=610

 

[Mari17]

Also I didn't say this before but please don't ever choose to "end the torment," as you say. I know that sometimes seems like it's the only way out. But with OCD, there's always a way out. Your mind is just tricking you into thinking that there isn't. There is hope, and there is freedom, and it's right at our fingertips. I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but it is. Hang in there!

 

[God is good]

Thanks Zach, I feel it is the OCD. Thank you for your kind words. I will pray for you and the OCD as well

Thank you very much for your prayers, God bless you and Jesus Christ is Lord

 

[ST673]

I'm so glad that you posted. I'm going through a similar struggle right now and I know exactly how you feel. Go with your gut, your "life experience," as you call it. If it feels like OCD, it usually is. I know our brains come up with all sorts of reasons why it isn't. But I think you know how to identify that OCD feeling. That feeling of dread, of pressure and feeling like you "have" to do something. DON'T DO IT. I'm having almost the exact same trouble, trying to distinguish between conviction and OCD. But there's a whole different feel with OCD. I know it and I think you do too. I know how hard it is, because I feel like my obsession won't release me either. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place - I can't do it (what my obsession is telling me to) and I can't not do it. You're right, giving in to the compulsion will strengthen OCD. Don't do it. If it has that characteristic OCD feel, don't do it. I know it feels awful, it feels like the anxiety will eat you alive. Persevere. Push through. If you persist long enough, the anxiety will have to give in. Of course I'm having trouble following my advice, but for better or worse there it is. I'll post a link to an article that I think you'll find helpful. And by all means, keep reaching out for help!
http://ocdandchristianity.com/?p=610

I'm so glad that you posted. I'm going through a similar struggle right now and I know exactly how you feel. Go with your gut, your "life experience," as you call it. If it feels like OCD, it usually is. I know our brains come up with all sorts of reasons why it isn't. But I think you know how to identify that OCD feeling. That feeling of dread, of pressure and feeling like you "have" to do something. DON'T DO IT. I'm having almost the exact same trouble, trying to distinguish between conviction and OCD. But there's a whole different feel with OCD. I know it and I think you do too. I know how hard it is, because I feel like my obsession won't release me either. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place - I can't do it (what my obsession is telling me to) and I can't not do it. You're right, giving in to the compulsion will strengthen OCD. Don't do it. If it has that characteristic OCD feel, don't do it. I know it feels awful, it feels like the anxiety will eat you alive. Persevere. Push through. If you persist long enough, the anxiety will have to give in. Of course I'm having trouble following my advice, but for better or worse there it is. I'll post a link to an article that I think you'll find helpful. And by all means, keep reaching out for help!
http://ocdandchristianity.com/?p=610

Thank you! I found this helpful for me as well when it comes to conviction vs compulsion

"Whether from the devil or our own self, compulsions are deceptive and destructive—and are never from God—ever. For "where the Spirit of the Lord is there is liberty"2—always. But where the spirit of compulsion is, there is bondage."

 

[lamb7]

I have struggled with OCD for basically my whole life. I don't remember not having it. In the spring it was confession about bad thoughts when I was little I would throw up if I thought of a bad word but now it's that obsession that I have to be this person at Wal-Mart that witnesses to people. My brain tells me it's from God but from my life experience it feels like OCD. I'm tormented I'm afraid I'm anxious I can't rest I've lost about 5lbs in a few days and if I manage to eat to keep from passing out I just want to throw up. In true OCD fashion I feel like these symptoms won't go away unless I do these things at Wal-Mart and I don't want to. It wouldn't be authentic it would be out of fear and to relieve a compulsion. I love Jesus and get excited when I think about God using me to share him In fact my son was baptised last week.( Praise God) but I'm terrified of being this Wal-Mart evangelist getting all in people's faces and I feel like it won't release me. I know that giving in to a compulsion makes the cycle stronger. I can't live like this. And I love my life. I have a beautiful life and when not under OCD attack I'm so happy. But this makes me feel like I want to leave this world to stop the torment. I wouldn't leave my family but it seems the only thing to stop the torment. It makes me want to stay away from church and stat away from my bible. I'm at the end of my rope.

I understand you completely friend. Its OCD... I too had thwe same stuff I lost weight, couldnt eat or sleep. Do not end your torment. This illness ebbs and flows. I am finally doing better after 3 months of tormnet, so please know that. If you ever need support or someone to talk to message me. Praying for you ♡

 

[Shawb]

This definitely sounds like a compulsion from your OCD. God would not want you to evangelize against your will. Remember you have scrupulosity, your OCD compels you to believe that you are immoral and that to make up for it you always do the moral thing. Though Evangelizing is a good thing, God wants you to do it out of your own will and for it to bring you joy and not fear. Remember, we are not saved by what we do we are saved by the blood of Jesus Christ and what he has done for us out of grace.

 

[ST673]

Thank you so much for your reply. I will not end it...I don't ever ever want to cause my family pain. I'm doing what I wish had been done when I waa a child I'm seeing a Dr on Monday and I'm already seeing a therapist. I started light medications to help with the pain of resisting the compulsion . There is hope for us all.

 

[ST673]

Thank you so much. I agree

 

[Mari17]

Thank you so much for your reply. I will not end it...I don't ever ever want to cause my family pain. I'm doing what I wish had been done when I waa a child I'm seeing a Dr on Monday and I'm already seeing a therapist. I started light medications to help with the pain of resisting the compulsion . There is hope for us all.

So happy to hear this! Make sure your therapist knows how to use CBT/ERP to help you! And keep reaching out for encouragement on here as needed! Also, I know you posted out of frustration and torment, but I wanted to let you know that God used your post to help me see some of the lies in my own situation more clearly. Keep fighting - there is incredible freedom ahead of you!

 

[ST673]

Thank you thank you for that sharing that with me. Im very grateful that it helped you. I'm fearful of that type of therapy. Will it make me do the compulsion?

 

[Mari17]

Thank you thank you for that sharing that with me. Im very grateful that it helped you. I'm fearful of that type of therapy. Will it make me do the compulsion?

Well, the whole point is kind of to be afraid, and to refuse to do the compulsion. But a knowledgeable therapist should have you work your way up from an easier situation to harder situations. (Although I've never been to a therapist, so I'm speaking from what I've heard). ERP sounds weird and scary, but it's actually just retraining your brain by refusing to jump when it says "Jump!" so to speak. Because our brains are always sending us faulty messages. Like, in your case, telling you that you have to go evangelize at Walmart. I think you're basically using some ERP principles when you are refusing to perform your compulsions. For some of my obsessions, that's all I did to overcome them - refuse to do what my brain was telling me to do. You can also intensify the therapy (which supposedly makes the obsession disappear more quickly) by exposing yourself to scenarios (real or imagined) that make you more afraid, while still refusing to do the compulsion. In your case, it might be walking around Walmart, without doing anything like evangelizing. You would do different things like this to purposely make yourself feel anxious, because the key is to stop being afraid of your anxiety, to let it come without giving into it. It feels like the end will never come, but if you resist it for long enough, your brain starts to get the message that you're not going to obey it just because it says you need to. You're only going to listen to the positive, healthy side of your brain, not the diseased, fearful part. I'm not sure if this explanation makes sense so feel free to ask if you want more info. There is so much help and hope for OCD so I am passionate about seeing people get the right help for it!

 

[ST673]

Thank you for that explanation! Make so much sense. I had to go to Wal-Mart the other day because my glasses were broken and weirdly I've felt better since. I was actually peaceful there and didn't really really the compulsion.

 

[Mari17]

Thank you for that explanation! Make so much sense. I had to go to Wal-Mart the other day because my glasses were broken and weirdly I've felt better since. I was actually peaceful there and didn't really really the compulsion.

Yay! So glad to hear that!

 

[ST673]

Really struggling today. My little boy wanted me to read from John last night and of course the story about the Samaritan woman has got me anxious and fearful again that I'm not doing what God wants. Just really struggling and tired of all of this.

 

[God is good]

Really struggling today. My little boy wanted me to read from John last night and of course the story about the Samaritan woman has got me anxious and fearful again that I'm not doing what God wants. Just really struggling and tired of all of this.

I know that these thoughts and feelings can be so exhausting but just remember how much God and Jesus Christ love you. My advice would be to just focus on God's goodness and to focus on Jesus Christ and His love for us. God bless you

 

[Mari17]

Really struggling today. My little boy wanted me to read from John last night and of course the story about the Samaritan woman has got me anxious and fearful again that I'm not doing what God wants. Just really struggling and tired of all of this.

I'm sorry to hear that. Your OCD will keep finding ways to trigger your anxiety if it can. Try to ignore it as best you can, and to recognize that the anxiety is from OCD, even if it doesn't feel like it. The quickest way to get OCD to stop bothering you is to not pay any attention to it. I know how hard it can be though!!

 

[ST673]

You've helped me so much. I'm so thankful for you.