TOO Selective?!?!

[Alenci]

Sometimes I'll wonder if I'll ever find anyone. It took me 19 years to find someone I found worthy to date. And after I'd known him for about 9 months he decided he didn't want any relationships at least during college, and broke up with me. We are friends now and have been for 3-4 months, although it's a struggle for both of us to walk that line. So I pine for him day in and day out, which is probably a little ridiculous.

I think my problem is that I am TOO selective... I see people dating person after person, and I couldn't imagine doing that... but surely I can find more than one person, can't I? Yet on the other hand, selectivity seems to be a gift, when I consider that I may be spending the rest of my life with whomever I "select."

But I've never even met someone as selective as I am. Even people who have never dated have a steady string of rejections to show for it. Meanwhile I pine for the one guy I wanted to date, while rejecting my other friends. I don't know. Tell me, am I crazy?

 

[Spicy McHaggis]

Are you crazy? Probably. But not because of this. (Kidding).

I've seen enough people who've settled just to get married, or got engaged a couple weeks after meeting someone (Not saying that doesn't work, but I know the people, and these situations are full of red flags). and I've dated enough girls that were pushing to get married like I was the last piece of thier puzzle getting crammed in wether I fit or not.

IMO, We're here for what God out us here for. That may or may not involve getting married, but marriage itself is not a goal. It's awesome if it happens, but it should be a union to get you two to a mutual goal, not a goal in itself.

I'm very selective too, and I think more people should be. People who treat a wedding day like a finish line or make getting married by a certain age a goal scare the crap out of me.

So I'll stay selective, so those poeple marry eachother while I'm waiting for what's right, not what's close enough and "right now".

I could have married my ExGF and been content, mostly happy for the rest of my life. But there was a little part of me saying this just wasn't it, like this was 99% of the way there and if God has a girl picked out for me, I'd rather wait and see on 100% than settle for 99.

 

[2scoops]

I wouldn't say your crazy. Your probably just like eveyone else. You probably want someone who you get along with, that you trust, that is a Christian, someone that treats you good and that your attracted too. Keep praying about it and God will help you find someone.

 

[soulsearching1]

You're not crazy. But you're also young Seriously though hun, you have awhile before you even need to worry about finding the right person. Especially since guys at 19 are...well, let's just say that their relationship potential may not be fully formed yet Heck, even by 30, some of them aren't there yet...

But on a serious note, I think some selectivity/pickiness is good. It's good to have standards, and pretty much everyone I know has a few "dealbreakers" that we keep by. And I'm like you- I prefer not to serial date- sometimes my relationships are close to each other, but sometimes they're not. And I won't date just "anyone", for the sake of dating.

 

[Lecarde]

No, youre not crazy.....Im the same way....
Ive only had one girlfriend, we're good friends now, and I havent dated since. Its rare nowadays for me to see a girl that I want to date......

 

[Someguyouknow]

Its normal. Nothing to worry about. Important thing is not to lower your standards.

 

[RED that's ME]

I agree with the others don't lower your standards. It's a lesson I'm constantly learning too but it all comes down to trusting God for our future and being content with it.

 

[Alenci]

Funny thing is, I always thought that when I found someone, I'd just manage to put up with his faults somehow. And it's not like my ex isn't human and doesn't have faults (including some big ones that I learned to look beyond). But he is such an amazing guy I feel like I don't even deserve him... so if he wants to date anyone else, I should be willing to accept that.

It just makes me wonder how many more years it's going to take me to find somebody.

Ah me. I'm only nineteen and already sure I'll be an old maid.

(Take this with a grain of salt because I'm kidding... I'm not seriously into looking for a hubby yet.)

 

[Markus6]

Firstly you really need to get over your ex. I realise it's obviously not a very easy thing to do but if you're still 'pining' for him it's going affect any other dates you might decide to go on.

I may be spending the rest of my life with whomever I "select."

You 'may be' but you can't expect them to show you all the qualities you want without giving them a chance (i.e. a date). Looking at this from the other angle you definitely won't be spending the rest of your life with whoever you don't "select". I'm not saying date everyone just incase but I think you need to find a balance. Don't lower your standards (a guy who washes regularily is important) but don't expect miracles from guys.

 

[~HopeFloats~]

It took me 19 years to find someone I found worthy to date. And after I'd known him for about 9 months he decided he didn't want any relationships

you are only 19.

between 19 and 25 you change alot, see your singleness at 19 as a true blessing to find you and a career.

When it comes to dating being selective is not a bad thing, wish I had been that way-- way back when.

 

[Blank123]

being selective is a good thing, so i wouldn't worry too much about that

like everyone else has said its important to make sure that you're with an awesome, Godly guy who is going to treat you right. And being prayerfully selective in who you choose to date/court is going to help ensure that you end up with that sort of guy

 

[mina]

It's better to be too selective than just to settle.

 

[sweetlambofgod]

can't be too selective when looking for a husband

 

[okiemommy26]

You are just looking at in the wrong way. It did not take you 19 years to find someone to date. You are 19 and it probably only took you a few years to find someone to date. If you were like me you were not aloud to start dating till 16. So that is 3 years. At 19 many people have only dated one person. Do not feel bad use this time to find yourself.

 

[sherri]

Are you crazy? Probably. But not because of this. (Kidding).

I've seen enough people who've settled just to get married, or got engaged a couple weeks after meeting someone (Not saying that doesn't work, but I know the people, and these situations are full of red flags). and I've dated enough girls that were pushing to get married like I was the last piece of thier puzzle getting crammed in wether I fit or not.

IMO, We're here for what God out us here for. That may or may not involve getting married, but marriage itself is not a goal. It's awesome if it happens, but it should be a union to get you two to a mutual goal, not a goal in itself.

I'm very selective too, and I think more people should be. People who treat a wedding day like a finish line or make getting married by a certain age a goal scare the crap out of me.

So I'll stay selective, so those poeple marry eachother while I'm waiting for what's right, not what's close enough and "right now".

I could have married my ExGF and been content, mostly happy for the rest of my life. But there was a little part of me saying this just wasn't it, like this was 99% of the way there and if God has a girl picked out for me, I'd rather wait and see on 100% than settle for 99.

Amen, amen, amen! People who date all the time because thats 'what you do' are usually the ones who end up with someone who isn't as great a match for them as they could have had if they'd just left all the play marriage (which is what constant relationships are) alone.
You'll have to excuse any mini rant I do on this one but I've seen it and seen it. People wear themselves out emotinally going through guy after guy (or girl) and they almost always end up 'settling' to some extent. Even if they don't see it. Because it almost always ends with them staying with the first one they really think they can live with as opposed to waiting for the one who really suits them.

It's such a mistake. Don't put yourself down for being selective - your values and mindset are right on.

 

[Alenci]

You are just looking at in the wrong way. It did not take you 19 years to find someone to date. You are 19 and it probably only took you a few years to find someone to date. If you were like me you were not aloud to start dating till 16. So that is 3 years. At 19 many people have only dated one person. Do not feel bad use this time to find yourself.

Okay, you caught me. I was sort of being humorous. True that I haven't been looking for all nineteen of those years (and thank goodness, because boys are so immature.) My parents never even told me my minimum dating age because I never cared to ask. There was no point to asking, because since I was so selective, I wasn't going to date until just the right person came along.

 

[Alenci]

Firstly you really need to get over your ex. I realise it's obviously not a very easy thing to do but if you're still 'pining' for him it's going affect any other dates you might decide to go on.

Irrelevant but serious question. Is it dumb to wait on someone?

Possibly irrelevant background (I'll leave it to the interested reader to decide):

Last year when I met my ex I was interested in the idea of remaining friends. He found out that I liked Joshua Harris's books and read I Kissed Dating Goodbye. He didn't put much stock into it. But he is a very committed Christian and there are many things to admire about him, so I wasn't upset. We dated for several months. It was pretty low-key, even after we started to call it a relationship. We were very committed to purity, and I drew strict boundaries which he always respected and observed. So I felt that our relationship was godly, and I did not feel that it had a deleterious effect on my other relationships or any other aspect of my life. Possibly rather, the reverse was true, because he stated (and subsequently demonstrated) that he wanted to help me improve in some areas of my life. (I, in turn, he told me, was a stabilizing influence to him because of my intense commitment to purity).

He talked to our campus minister as well as an older and more mature Christian friend before deciding to break up with me. He has told me he does not want to be more than friends with anyone in college, and, as he originally put it, he has no plans to get married anytime soon. Moreover, he mentioned the Boundless webzine to me (and repeated the name for emphasis), which his friend had recommended to him. When I started reading some of the columns on the topic of relationships, I immediately noticed the strong Joshua Harris-esque overtones (in fact, multiple columns even cite his books). It appears to strongly advocate friendships in lieu of dating before engagement, and the exploration of marriage is central to all romantic relationships. I was surprised (though somewhat pleasantly) at his changed perspective.

I have tried continually to respect his desire to keep it a friendship (and I have felt convicted that at the time a relationship was not right for us, and we erred in entering one.) All things considered, we remain fairly close friends. Our time together is limited and we mainly see each other at church and our Christian college group activities. But he assured me (and made me repeat) that I could talk to him about anything. He is always very polite, considerate, supportive and encouraging. In some sense, though I try to hold back, I still instinctively look to him for spiritual leadership. I appreciate his excellent and mature perspectives and value his advice. I pray for him every day.

The often confusing factor is that he still has feelings for me as well, and though he has always been consistant in calling it a friendship, sometimes he wanders slightly across the boundary line (never physically, only in when, where, and how we hang out - i.e. watching a movie in my room or something else that could be construed as dating.) In admitting that he screws up, he is implicitly acknowledging his continuing feelings for me. (And at any rate, I know it from his face and other cues. He's always worn his heart on his sleeve.)

It is difficult for me to know where to draw the line. Is it acceptable to have feelings for him though try to conceal them? Should I "get over" him? Is it inappropriate to allow myself to ever consider the possibility of dating him again, in a more serious context? Should I just shut the book and move on? I know I have a good deal of maturing in store for me within the next few years, but the things I admire and respect about him, and the values we share, are not going to change by this point in my life. We will change and grow, but the core of his character that I love now will most likely not.

I just need a mature perspective on all this. If it requires dashing my hopes, then please feel at liberty to do so. I want the best thing for both of us and what is right in the eyes of the Lord, even if it's not easy.

 

[Arclight610]

You're not crazy. But you're also young Seriously though hun, you have awhile before you even need to worry about finding the right person. Especially since guys at 19 are...well, let's just say that their relationship potential may not be fully formed yet Heck, even by 30, some of them aren't there yet...

But on a serious note, I think some selectivity/pickiness is good. It's good to have standards, and pretty much everyone I know has a few "dealbreakers" that we keep by. And I'm like you- I prefer not to serial date- sometimes my relationships are close to each other, but sometimes they're not. And I won't date just "anyone", for the sake of dating.

Pfff... You only wish you could be our age.

-TJ-

 

[Beauty4Ashes]

Irrelevant but serious question. Is it dumb to wait on someone?

Possibly irrelevant background (I'll leave it to the interested reader to decide):

Last year when I met my ex I was interested in the idea of remaining friends. He found out that I liked Joshua Harris's books and read I Kissed Dating Goodbye. He didn't put much stock into it. But he is a very committed Christian and there are many things to admire about him, so I wasn't upset. We dated for several months. It was pretty low-key, even after we started to call it a relationship. We were very committed to purity, and I drew strict boundaries which he always respected and observed. So I felt that our relationship was godly, and I did not feel that it had a deleterious effect on my other relationships or any other aspect of my life. Possibly rather, the reverse was true, because he stated (and subsequently demonstrated) that he wanted to help me improve in some areas of my life. (I, in turn, he told me, was a stabilizing influence to him because of my intense commitment to purity).

He talked to our campus minister as well as an older and more mature Christian friend before deciding to break up with me. He has told me he does not want to be more than friends with anyone in college, and, as he originally put it, he has no plans to get married anytime soon. Moreover, he mentioned the Boundless webzine to me (and repeated the name for emphasis), which his friend had recommended to him. When I started reading some of the columns on the topic of relationships, I immediately noticed the strong Joshua Harris-esque overtones (in fact, multiple columns even cite his books). It appears to strongly advocate friendships in lieu of dating before engagement, and the exploration of marriage is central to all romantic relationships. I was surprised (though somewhat pleasantly) at his changed perspective.

I have tried continually to respect his desire to keep it a friendship (and I have felt convicted that at the time a relationship was not right for us, and we erred in entering one.) All things considered, we remain fairly close friends. Our time together is limited and we mainly see each other at church and our Christian college group activities. But he assured me (and made me repeat) that I could talk to him about anything. He is always very polite, considerate, supportive and encouraging. In some sense, though I try to hold back, I still instinctively look to him for spiritual leadership. I appreciate his excellent and mature perspectives and value his advice. I pray for him every day.

The often confusing factor is that he still has feelings for me as well, and though he has always been consistant in calling it a friendship, sometimes he wanders slightly across the boundary line (never physically, only in when, where, and how we hang out - i.e. watching a movie in my room or something else that could be construed as dating.) In admitting that he screws up, he is implicitly acknowledging his continuing feelings for me. (And at any rate, I know it from his face and other cues. He's always worn his heart on his sleeve.)

It is difficult for me to know where to draw the line. Is it acceptable to have feelings for him though try to conceal them? Should I "get over" him? Is it inappropriate to allow myself to ever consider the possibility of dating him again, in a more serious context? Should I just shut the book and move on? I know I have a good deal of maturing in store for me within the next few years, but the things I admire and respect about him, and the values we share, are not going to change by this point in my life. We will change and grow, but the core of his character that I love now will most likely not.

I just need a mature perspective on all this. If it requires dashing my hopes, then please feel at liberty to do so. I want the best thing for both of us and what is right in the eyes of the Lord, even if it's not easy.

shut the book and move on.

If it is the story God meant for you, God will reopen it and continue writing it in his time, you won't have to. If not, atleast you haven't wasted more time pining over the wrong person so you might miss out on discovering the right one. Let God write your story.

 

[mina]

I agree with Beauty4A. He made his choice and there's not much you can do to change it. He missed out on you. Move on and move forward. When you both have feelings for each other- trying to keep it "just friends with no commitments" is tricky and hard. If I were in this situation I would be friends, but not too friendly and I would avoid being close or having a "special" friendship with him.

If it's meant to be, then God will make it so and it won't be so emtionally taxing. Just be who God made you to be.