Piper says, at about the 5 minute mark, that there can be an act of resistance against and is a sin that "belittles" the Holy Spirit the Holy Spirit so grievously that He withdraws from you His convicting power such that one no longer is able to repent... by the sounds of it Robert, you are laboring under a sense of sin, and guilt, and condemnation for the sins you have committed and for neglecting to turn to God for salvation earlier in your life.... these are not the marks of a person who is no longer able to repent, but is instead someone who is being called by the Holy Spirit to repent of your sins and turn to God. I had a friend some years ago who said the same sorts of things you are saying as an excuse to continue sinning, I hope, in your case, that you are sincerely hoping that you can turn to Godd for your salvation and the issue is a serious doctrinal question, and not an attempt to justify to yourself that you are beyond the reach of God and therefore might as well go right on sinning...
Piper closes his sermon with these hopeful words of warning:
"Instead, many professing Christians today have such a sentimental view of God's justice that they never feel terror and horror at the thought of being utterly forsaken by God because of their persistence in sin. They have the naïve notion that God's patience has no end and that they can always return from any length and depth of sin, forgetting that there is a point of resistance which belittles the Holy Spirit so grievously that he withdraws forever with his convicting power, leaving them never able to repent and be forgiven. They are like the buzzard who spots a carcass on a piece of ice floating in the river. He lands and begins to eat. He knows it is dangerous because the falls are just ahead. But he looks at his wings and says to himself, "I can fly to safety in an instant." And he goes on eating. Just before the ice goes over the falls he spreads his wings to fly but his claws are frozen in the ice and there is no escape—neither in this age nor the age to come. The Spirit of holiness has forsaken the arrogant sinner forever.
The Offer of Grace: Repent and Be Forgiven
You have heard the warning. Now hear the offer of grace. "All sins will be forgiven the sons of men and whatever blasphemies they utter." I urge you in the name of Christ: if by God's grace you can repent today of your sin, do it now, because you may not be able to tomorrow."
So Robert you have some signs of being convicted of sin, otherwise you would not be posting on a Christian forum and asking these questions, but don't use your initial thoughts as an excuse to go on sinning, it also looks like you are teetering on the edge of the point of no return, where you will say to yourself "that's it, I am not going to even try any more... I don't care... I have rejected God for so long that now, I just don't care if I sin, if I die, or if I go to hell...." and your fate will be sealed. But for now, it doesn't sound as if you have uttered blasphemies against the Holy Spirit in such a way as to move yourself beyond the point of no return. Piper says
"If we blaspheme and reject the Father and the Son, there is still hope, for the Spirit may yet work within us to humble us and bring us to repentance. But if behind the Father and the Son we see and taste the power of the Holy Spirit and reject his work as no more precious than the work of Satan, we shut ourselves off from the only one who could ever bring us to repentance. And so we shut ourselves off from forgiveness."
Yes you did not come to Christ for salvation long ago when you felt you should have, but that does not mean that you thought of the work of the Holy Spirit as being no more precious then the work of Satan.
blessings,
ken