- Aug 8, 2012
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Toilet Travel Tips
So, the other day I was wandering around YouTube looking for the latest kitty videos when I came across a series of Vlogs done by an assortment of young Americans - mostly female – on the topic of:
Fascinated, I watched these earnest young people loudly extolling the virtues and vices of this Antipodean Wonderland based on the deep cultural knowledge they had acquired in the two days since they arrived. Typically, it was what you might expect;
“The food is expensive” (this may be true)
“The makeup is expensive” (also true, I keep mine down to lippy and a light powder pat)
“The food tastes strange” (apparently, we have a different relationship with corn syrup and processed food)
“Tim Tams, fish & chips and pavlovas are ‘Like Wow!!’” (absolutely true!)
“I don’t understand them. They shorten all their words” (Dunno?)
“There aren’t enough fast food restaurants “ (There aren’t any. We would never call a fast food outlet a ‘restaurant’.)
“They call MacDonalds ‘Maccas’!!!” (In Australia all True Scotsmen are called Macca)
“The light switches are upside down” (No - the switches are fine. It’s the country that’s upside down)
But the biggie, the real big one they all remarked on was - the bathroom.
“Ermagahd!!!” they all said. “There’s no waahderr in the commode!!”
According to these young folk, the amount of water residing in the bottom of an Australian toilette is, compared to America, roughly the equivalent of a damp sponge. Incredulous, I contacted my brother who‘s lived in the USA for many years.
“Yair”, he said. “when I saw my first American dunny, I thought I’d found the plunge pool.
Even now, on a scorcher, I’m tempted to do a couple of quick laps around the bowl to cool off”
“and” he added confidentially,
” the tide’s so high it’s hard to avoid accidentally rinsing your tackle every time you sit down.”
Problem solved? Unfortunately not. There was more. All of these youngsters came up with the same complaints.
“There’s no lever! - and - What are those buttons for????”
Now, you may find this amusing but I don’t. I have a vision of these poor young people, once finished with their deposition, standing, knicker kneed, staring intently at our multi-buttoned, leverless toot tank wondering where to go from here. Eventually they all took the plunge, pressed a button and were flushed with success.
Having solved the flush conundrum, they were then confronted with the Problem of the Second Button. One bright mind opined that “It might be something to do with water??”.
Of course, she was wrong. Nor is it a Panic Button, to be used in case of heart failure, or a buzzer for Room Service when the tissue supply reaches an unexpected, and awkwardly timed, end.
While the Small Button flushes, the Big Button teleports you, through the Star Gate, to a Galaxy Far, Far Away.
So, what have we learned?
For Australians visiting the US.
For Americans visiting Australia.
So, the other day I was wandering around YouTube looking for the latest kitty videos when I came across a series of Vlogs done by an assortment of young Americans - mostly female – on the topic of:
The Differences Between Australia and the USA!!!
Fascinated, I watched these earnest young people loudly extolling the virtues and vices of this Antipodean Wonderland based on the deep cultural knowledge they had acquired in the two days since they arrived. Typically, it was what you might expect;
“The food is expensive” (this may be true)
“The makeup is expensive” (also true, I keep mine down to lippy and a light powder pat)
“The food tastes strange” (apparently, we have a different relationship with corn syrup and processed food)
“Tim Tams, fish & chips and pavlovas are ‘Like Wow!!’” (absolutely true!)
“I don’t understand them. They shorten all their words” (Dunno?)
“There aren’t enough fast food restaurants “ (There aren’t any. We would never call a fast food outlet a ‘restaurant’.)
“They call MacDonalds ‘Maccas’!!!” (In Australia all True Scotsmen are called Macca)
“The light switches are upside down” (No - the switches are fine. It’s the country that’s upside down)
But the biggie, the real big one they all remarked on was - the bathroom.
“Ermagahd!!!” they all said. “There’s no waahderr in the commode!!”
According to these young folk, the amount of water residing in the bottom of an Australian toilette is, compared to America, roughly the equivalent of a damp sponge. Incredulous, I contacted my brother who‘s lived in the USA for many years.
“Yair”, he said. “when I saw my first American dunny, I thought I’d found the plunge pool.
Even now, on a scorcher, I’m tempted to do a couple of quick laps around the bowl to cool off”
“and” he added confidentially,
” the tide’s so high it’s hard to avoid accidentally rinsing your tackle every time you sit down.”
Problem solved? Unfortunately not. There was more. All of these youngsters came up with the same complaints.
“There’s no lever! - and - What are those buttons for????”
Now, you may find this amusing but I don’t. I have a vision of these poor young people, once finished with their deposition, standing, knicker kneed, staring intently at our multi-buttoned, leverless toot tank wondering where to go from here. Eventually they all took the plunge, pressed a button and were flushed with success.
Having solved the flush conundrum, they were then confronted with the Problem of the Second Button. One bright mind opined that “It might be something to do with water??”.
Of course, she was wrong. Nor is it a Panic Button, to be used in case of heart failure, or a buzzer for Room Service when the tissue supply reaches an unexpected, and awkwardly timed, end.
While the Small Button flushes, the Big Button teleports you, through the Star Gate, to a Galaxy Far, Far Away.
So, what have we learned?
For Australians visiting the US.
- Latrine diving is considered culturally inappropriate. Please don’t do it.
- When using an American toiletting facility, discrete usage of a Life Jacket or other Flotation Device is recommended.
- Males also need to be alert to the possibility of undercarriage inundation. Stand when flushing.
For Americans visiting Australia.
- When visiting the privy it may be advisable to take a large bucket of water with you to minimise culture shock.
- Don’t panic when there is an unusually long pause between release and splashdown.
- Choose your button wisely.
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