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To be or not to be?

Discussion in 'Married Couples' started by bluegreysky, Nov 28, 2017.

  1. bluegreysky

    bluegreysky Can't adult today.

    +290
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    possibly the most confusing battle I’m fighting is in my own head.

    As I work my two jobs and my husband works none... there’s also the fights. The obvious clue that he doesn’t forgive the seperation or anything that happened because of it.
    When we fight, the “d” word comes out. He often talks of wanting to run away. Technically I deserve that.

    I keep talking him down and fighting for us, but it’s getting harder and harder. As depression and stress and exhaustion take hold of me and pull me down, his case against me mounts up. Yes, technically speaking, I do deserve to have him pack up and leave me here to fend for myself. After all, it’s what I did to him earlier this year...and it ruined his life.

    Then I become painfully aware how divided I am. After all, I was somehow able to fall in love with a friend. It’s simple... that guy worked hard for a living and didn’t have all the anger and rage that comes with ptsd so to me, he was easier to care for than my own husband, whom I was seperated from.
    And yes, to be fair, I was honest with my husband about this emotional cheat. He’d done the same to me. But on the internet.

    I still think of that guy. But I remind myself he was more of a fantasy and not a reality.

    But since half of me could shut down and move On and move out, I know I’m divided. The other half envisions my husband and I sitting on the beach watching a sunset in two years and saying to each other “I’m glad we worked through that hard time we are so much stronger now.”

    I try to listen to that half. But it’s hard, when In fits of PTSD, he talks about hating me. Leaving me. Meeting someone who won’t ruin his life.

    I have ways out. Three to be exact. One local, two far away. One of the two is stable but not desirable... move back in with parents. The other sounds like a dream but may not be stable.

    To be or not to be.... married? I don’t want to have to take one of the escape routes. I want that fantasy about me and him sitting on the beach.
     
  2. faroukfarouk

    faroukfarouk Fading curmudgeon

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    Romans 8.38-39: God's promise to the believer.

    Marriage: your promise to him.
     
  3. Darkhorse

    Darkhorse just horsing around

    +1,562
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    While your separation from him was understandable and quite logical in one sense, I suspect it hit him hard in a vulnerable area, due to his PTSD. We guys often cling to and depend on the love from our partner to reassure us and stabilize us emotionally. Walking out on him was a blow, and telling him of your attraction to an "ideal" friend was another.

    I'm not saying that he's faultless and you're the problem.
    I am saying that you two are tangled up in an emotional snarl, and need skilled professional help to work your ways out of it.

    This will not resolve itself well; please get help.
     
  4. Jason0047

    Jason0047 Agent for Christ Supporter

    +2,383
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    I would try to tell him that he needs to get medical help and that you will take him to the doctor because you love him. Try to seek natural alternative doctors. Medications can be bad; And try to stay away from physiatrists. Instead, try to get him to accept Christ or to renew His faith in the Lord. Tell him this is the only alternative to make this marriage work or you are going to take a break away from him for a while. While I wouldn't divorce him (because that is not allowed in Scripture - unless he physcally cheated on you), I would move away and try to find jobs somewhere else far far away from him (if he is not willing to clean up his act with medical help and to try and to find a job). He needs to learn to clean up his act. If your moving away helps him to do that, all the better. But for your own peace of mind: I would suggest that you try to get him help again and give him an ultimatum that you are going to not divorce him but you are going to move away far from him until he gets himself back together. Also, increase your prayers for him, as well; And make sure that you pray for spiritual and physical protection against him, too. In addition, pray that he will not harm himself, as well.

    I will be praying for you.

    Sincerely,

    Jason.


    Side Note 1:

    Read this article on how to disappear or stay private.

    How to Hide Your Home Address from the Public

    Side Note 2:

    Sleeping with another man while married is a sin. Even just if you were room mates it would not be good and it would not lead down a good path. God wants us remain pure and holy. Seek to read God's Word more and pray to which direction God wants to lead you.

    Side Note 3:

    If you are forced to move away and hide from him for a while (and yet not divorce him), I would allow him a way to let you know that he is reformed with enough time (Probably 1-2 years). I would tell him to send a letter to your parent's house if he has:

    (a) Seen a natural alternative doctor and has treated his condition.
    (b) Is dedicating his life to God.
    (c) He has a job whereby he can support himself.
    (d) He is not abusive in his language with people now.
     
    Last edited: Nov 28, 2017
  5. Cheylynn

    Cheylynn New Member

    20
    +16
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    Christian
    Married
    I hear your pain dear sister. So much is flying through the unseen at you both. I pray for clarity, and His peace to rule. May I direct you to my blog site:
    Way Truth & Life
    I have much to say on what you are facing.
    Blessing and peace
     
  6. tall73

    tall73 Sophia7's husband

    +1,089
    Christian
    Married
    You need to hold off on making life decisions about different paths until you reflect on what has happened here with both your marriage and your spiritual life.

    It sounds as though you are still experiencing the emotional aspect of infatuation, which passes with time if you do not feed those thoughts, and avoid all contact with this other person. However, thinking through why you were drawn to other people further is important. You mentioned in the other thread that you "inadvertently" became friends with this guy and developed feelings for him. Friendship may be inadvertent. However, if you are still thinking about him after this time then you had allowed yourself to entertain these thoughts for some time. It is a series of decisions that allows you to think about a person other than your spouse in that way. And you made that decision each step along the path, continuing to think about the other person.

    You mentioned in the other thread that the other person did not reciprocate those feelings. Did you ask? Did you seek an answer? If so then that was another step of voluntary action.

    At the first hint you were becoming attached to the other person did you immediately take steps to avoid the person, and dismiss these thoughts? If not that is another step of voluntary action.

    This is certainly something you can recover from, but you have to be honest with yourself about what it was. It was not a generalized thought about how life would be good if circumstances were better. It was a fantasy, as you note, but it was a fantasy directed at a specific person other than your husband. And that didn't happen without your allowing yourself to entertain that notion. To say it was just a matter of him having a job and not having so many issues is explaining what might make things seem potentially better. But it does not explain what allowed you to consider these thoughts as a married Christian and go on to let them take hold, without fighting this as a threat to your marriage and your spiritual life.

    And now you are again entertaining the same notion but through a back-door. You are positing a scenario with multiple choices. Yes, we have free will. But by even positing it as options which are easier, options which need to be weeded through, etc. you are again entertaining the notion that you might leave your husband, despite the fact that you know you are now one flesh, as signified by the verse that is on his new ring. You are entertaining the notion that you might move on. And once you moved on you might "fall" into a new relationship with someone who would be preferable to your husband in these issues.

    Take the option off the table. The first thing is to pray that your mind would be changed so that you are not thinking on these fantasies of a better life with other men, whether a specific man, or generalized.

    Philippians 2:13 for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.

    God can change how you want to act. The issues within your marriage will be difficult to work through, and they will not be helped by continuing to think about all the better scenarios out there without the financial and health issues, and without the history of betrayal on both sides.

    Now it is difficult to try to dismiss a particular thought, in this case of the other guy. You need to replace the thought. And in this case you need to replace it with what you know you need--spiritual thinking.

    Romans 8:5 Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. 6 The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace.

    Is it the flesh, or sinful nature, that makes you desire to think about this other man still, or is it the Spirit of God? I don't think it is the Spirit of God. So you need to ask God to change your thoughts. And you need to set your mind on what is needed, on spiritual things.


    Read the Scriptures, pray, even if at first it doesn't feel sincere. Hopefully it does feel sincere, but even if not, ask God to change your thoughts, and try to set your mind one what God desires. Dismiss the thoughts of this other possibility.

    As much as possible try to spend time with your husband. This is difficult when working so much. But at some point you can rebuild a relationship with him as well. It won't happen without some time together.

    Look frankly at the steps that you went down before mentally. Was it inadvertent truly, or did you at some point decide to go down that path?

    It is not just your marriage that may need to be worked on but your spiritual life and commitment to Christ, and from that your marriage.

    As as was mentioned, once you have dismissed this notion of a fantasy life, get help to work on your marriage.
     
    Last edited: Nov 28, 2017
  7. Dave-W

    Dave-W Our six grandchildren Supporter

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    Quoted for emphasis.
     
  8. tall73

    tall73 Sophia7's husband

    +1,089
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    He will ultimately have to decide to dismiss the divorce option as well if this is to work, as a couple posters pointed out in the other thread. Since he is not here to discuss with there is not much we can do for that, other than to re-emphasize that you both need to get help on this soon. If you are the only one there to try and help him through, it will be nearly impossible to hold him accountable because of his perception of your fault, and because you don't have the energy to do it all.

    A counselor can look realistically at the issues from nearly the outset of the marriage that need to be addressed, and it will take his commitment as well.

    The longer you delay getting that help the more tired you will become trying to play a role of holding together the relationship that he is not fully committed to. If all of your left-over energy after two jobs is spent essentially trying to convince or even manipulate him into trying to stay, then nothing is actually getting done on the problem itself. If he commits to counseling with you then you can move on from whether you will stay together, to how can you do that.

    And there is the possibility he is using some of this as an excuse to avoid actions he doesn't want to take . A counselor could get to the bottom of it, and can hold him accountable in ways you cannot at this time.
     
    Last edited: Nov 28, 2017
  9. tall73

    tall73 Sophia7's husband

    +1,089
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    After reading the initial ground zero post again, you said the summer went pretty well.

    Was he seemingly forgiving you at that time, and then things changed once the other stresses came back up? It seems that the financial issues and his failure to enroll led to the current crisis. If that is the case it is possible he may not have really forgiven. Or it may be something different. He may be just looking for ways to justify his current behavior in failing to go back to school by bringing up your past actions.

    If you are able to get to a counselor, be sure you mention that it went smoothly for a while then started again, as this might help them work through this aspect.
     
  10. bluegreysky

    bluegreysky Can't adult today.

    +290
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    Christian
    Married
    Ok yes and no.
    1) He has VA doctors. But they aren't "for" us, because he's painted me in a tainted light and they think I'm "bad" for him
    2) We have a Christian counselor, but can only afford once a month. Oh well, better than nothing.
    3) He only takes meds for the PTSD not for our stuff
    4) Leaving once was too damaging... if I have to do it again, it will have to be for good this time. I can't come and go and come and go. So I'll have to really be sure I'm at my PNR. Like REALLY sure.
    5) I caused this mess, so I want to stay and see it through
    6) I always urge him to stop wasting his life and my time, but it only starts fights.
    7) I wasn't sleeping with my friend we were just too close for comfort so to speak... getting coffee and having deep talks. My mistake.
    8) We both have bad tempers but we both know we need to change.
     
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  11. faroukfarouk

    faroukfarouk Fading curmudgeon

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    :prayer: Hebrews 7.25
     
  12. Jason0047

    Jason0047 Agent for Christ Supporter

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    Based on the information you gave me before, that would have been my suggestion. With your new info you gave me, I would say that you need to focus heavily on following Christ more and get him to do so, as well. This will help heal him and you. Jesus is the answer. I will be praying for you both.
     
  13. bluegreysky

    bluegreysky Can't adult today.

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    WELLL....... I did just join a new church I like alot better than my old one so.... if my two jobs dont get in the way we'll see where this goes.
     
  14. Jason0047

    Jason0047 Agent for Christ Supporter

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    Church can be helpful to an extent, but dedicating your life to Christ is far better. Ask the Lord to help dedicate your life to Him in all you do. Make it your mission to always study God's Word and to pray as if you were going to be a missionary one day. Make it your hobby and life to know God's Word and to follow Jesus even without a church. Church is nice for one day out of the week, but what about the rest of the week involving God? The Lord wants so much more than just one day out of the week. I say this not to wound you, but help guide into a deeper walk with God and to help Him to heal your situation.

    For Jesus says, seek ye first the Kingdom of God, and all these things will be added unto you.
     
  15. DZoolander

    DZoolander Regular Member

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    What exactly did you do to "ruin his life"? You left for a couple of months after some heated discussions and mean things being said?

    I'm sorry - but if your husband's desire to move forward and progress in life was so tenuous that reaping the rewards of some bad behavior forever threw him off track - he didn't have such a strong desire to begin with. Likely, instead, school was simply something to bide the time and keep up appearances and the closer it gets - the more nervewracking it has become. Your leaving was simply an excuse to throw in the towel and not have to confront whatever it is that he's afraid to confront.

    To say otherwise leaves way too much on your doorstep and leaves you with far too much responsibility over his life. He should want to do things to improve his situation because not only is it the right thing to do for you both, but it's also the right thing to do for himself regardless of whether or not you're around.
     
  16. NothingIsImpossible

    NothingIsImpossible Well-Known Member

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    While messing with someone else wasn't a good idea, it doesn't mean the marriage wouldn't have been rough. And he may even think finding a new wife would make things easier but thats not true. If he has PTSD then, and I don't mean this offensively, someone may always have a hard time dealing with him. Theres alot of baggage that comes along in this situation. And with you feeling how you are there is even more baggage to sort out. But nothing is impossible. Things can be sorted out hopefully.
     
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