hi, it's been a while since i posted here.
i have an issue wo which christianity should have an answer or answers.
8 years ago i got into a psychosis which never truly left. it started with thinking god's mind came down into me. which made me think i was jesus returnal and with that the messiah.
i made up a story about a star appearing in the nightsky at a certainer time(my protestant psychologe was even familiar with this theory, or at least he knew what i meant he understood it), pointed out by three wise man on top of a mountain. i even have the greatest names/person like jesus and mozes for that. also when i red lucas it wasnt even so strang after all. then i gazed at that star for three nights in a row. and i rolled into a psychosis which still actually hasnt been ended. though the floride/heaviest parts i have had.
i experienced a lot of things in this psychose and had a great mental activity and saw all kinds of connections. it all began with reading the bible. i litterally lived every word of the new testemoney and also parts of the old testamony. i relived all i ever heard and also what i had red in that starting period.
(sry if i am hard to follow/understand)
this all wouldt be no problem if i could just shake it off. but the fact is that i came to be a christian through my psychosis. but my psychosis never left.
please dont bother with the medical talks that i have heard and how it all come from truamas or other emotions. i know
the problem is that i am trying to be a christian still and read my bible. but i cannot seem to do this without being psychotic.
ever since i had my experience with that star which is also a sun. and then also my experience with the sun. it has been unturnable for me to have all these messianic thoughts.
my experience with our sun, was that i thought i saw the copper snake when i stared at the sun for 5 seconds and saw liquid floating.(i got scared about it..) orange with brown and red. i later on (years later) saw pictures from nasa taken with soem filter which where exactly the same as what i had seen iin reality.
i have witnessed more things which are simply truth instead of delusion. but i learned to think in the way of the psychiatry in which i still reside and have done so for the past 8 years.
at the moment i am busy with working at living on my own. which i hope will succeed. though i am not sure yet. i started this route 1.5 week ago. and after ca 5 moths i am supposed to go and live on my own. but loose from this.
i am struggling with how i am supposed to be a good active christian and how on earth am i supposed to combine that with the psychosis i had and still have. and the things i witnessed within that. and the ongoing prayers i had prayed while i was psychotic.
is praying even real or am i delusional again if i pray for the people on the world to do well. as i did for over 2 years. i even mnemoniced all the prayers i wrote down thousands of times. such as: help, respect, love and treat each otehr well. and other things that i thought where good prayers for everyone. messiah huh
i am not expecting a ufo to come. and everyday when i spent time on christianity i may get confronted with people expecting a messiah to come or stand up. i doubt they expect a ufo. i dont know if they even know what they are asking for and what reality will bring eventually then. since god will never come in a ufo. if you know another way besides what i say or a symbolic way. i'd hear it gladly.
now the past months i had been able to talk about christianity on a froum with other christians. i searched for that quite a while. since my passion and my goal lies there. but there is nothing about schizophrenia there and it is a small dutch forum.
i tried to be on other forums but sometimes when i bring this up i am not even allowed to join. i dont know exactly why. but afcourse i get delusional thoughts from that then too.(imagine some real)
i actually dont really know what to do and how i am supposed to remain a christian. i know i believe in christ and in god. last night i thought i was dead again. and i got confronted wether or not i believe in jesus but i guess it is pretty obvious if i look at the past years. i spent every second on jesus the messiah and have had nothing else in my mind.
i wish a person would understand me if i tell how troublish it is to be a second jesus or messiah.
i can think pretty much and pretty serious and it brings a lot of troubles along. because now who is the real one. i believe in me too and with that dont i do jesus wrong? and is jesus still god's only begotten. becuase logically i believe that too.(but jesus made me)
so sometimes it really is a fight. and i think that i must be crusified too. but then again not because jesus allready had been. did i save the 'right' by saving the tail. or did i ruin the tale.
i wish jesus was here with me and knew how hard it is. i know he does. but it's hard to get a word from him (eventough i hear voices but i dont believe i can hear god or jesus) so i turn to you and here at the schizophrenia section.
right now i wont tell of the worse times i have, speaking of suffering..
i just wonder what to do and how i am supposed to live with this so called delusion (i know reality and the medical vieuw, i know...) and be a christian.
my name is stein and i am 26, about to turn 27. and i dont want to give up christianity. my messiah thoughts i dont have a lot of choose in as long as i dont give up christianity. and my behaviour is ok. i know the way 'we' think. but i ask u to imagine what it's like for me when i pray and when i got to bed. instead of what i show on the outside....
(my psyhcose began with a lot of tears over the crusifix and the injustice i saw in that. i was to take it upo with god. and shine a light on the truth)
greets stein