Thread split from remarried section - question about marriage.

[john44]

Hi there, I have a question here I would like to ask.
I am 44 years old, never been married, but I want to be someday.
I am trying to find someone that has never been married, in other words, no divorced women.
Is that wrong of me to think like that?
I am afraid of the "baggage" left over from the previous marriage, may surface in my marriage.

 

[Svt4Him]

Hi there, I have a question here I would like to ask.
I am 44 years old, never been married, but I want to be someday.
I am trying to find someone that has never been married, in other words, no divorced women.
Is that wrong of me to think like that?
I am afraid of the "baggage" left over from the previous marriage, may surface in my marriage.

Baggage? Well, the baggage may be from the first marriage, so if first marriages have baggage in them, what kind of safeguard do you have?

 

[surfs]

Just because a person is single and has not been married
does not mean there is no baggage to bring into a marriage.There is baggage from family upbringing and baggage from relationships that never made it to the altar.Yes there is baggage from a failed marriage but what is important is how the individual has handed this experience--have they learned from the experience or are they just repeating past relationship problems?It can result in a more mature approach to the marriage relationship and a deep resolve not to allow any mistakes made in the previous marriage to reoccur in the new marriage.Two of the most important elements of a marriage relationship are friendship and communication.Whether a person is single or previously married if they cannot develop these elements within a relationship then there will be serious problems.In christ--Terry

 

[john44]

Good points, maybe "Baggage" was the wrong word to use?

Once you get married, you and your mate share each other in the most intimate way.
Emotionally, Spiritually, Physically, and this out of Matthew 19

1. And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?
2. Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.

Once you separate, isn't there a piece, or part of you that gets lost, in the previous relationship?

Just a note here, I am not ranking on anyone here, Like I said, I have never been married, I'm just looking for some opinions here.

 

[surfs]

Hi John--yes there is a part of you left behind in the previous relationship because of what was invested in it.I am in that situation,yet the love of my wife has brought healing to those painful memories.My ex-wife went through an abusive family up-bringing and brought unresolved emotional pain into our marriage which helped contribute to its destruction.As I said no matter whether a person is single or previously married there will be issues[some minor,some major depending on the person and their past plus how they have dwelt with it] brought into the marriage from previous relationships whether from the family they grew up in or romantic relationships they have experienced.--in Christ-Terry

 

[lastblast]

Hi there, I have a question here I would like to ask.
I am 44 years old, never been married, but I want to be someday.
I am trying to find someone that has never been married, in other words, no divorced women.
Is that wrong of me to think like that?
I am afraid of the "baggage" left over from the previous marriage, may surface in my marriage.

Hey John,

Here is a great Christian meeting site for those who desire to meet someone who has never been divorced. Check it out: http://www.christiansinglesmatch.com/

 

[Svt4Him]

Good points, maybe "Baggage" was the wrong word to use?

Once you get married, you and your mate share each other in the most intimate way.
Emotionally, Spiritually, Physically, and this out of Matthew 19

1. And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?
2. Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.

Once you separate, isn't there a piece, or part of you that gets lost, in the previous relationship?

Just a note here, I am not ranking on anyone here, Like I said, I have never been married, I'm just looking for some opinions here.

There is no part of you that gets lost. Let me ask if you've ever had sex with someone before? I know it's personal, but it seems every guys dream to marry a woman that has never been touched before, but that's a self-serving sort of desire.

As for the divorced person, my father and step-mother are happily remarried. The things they learned from their first marriage set the stage for their second, and I don't think they could be happier. It wasn't a nice experience what either of them went through, but they didn't dwell in it, they moved on. I was in a partnership with a guy that failed. Some say to never go into another partnership (business partnership...just to clarify) whereas I will take what I've learned and make sure I don't do the same thing again, as well as advise some of the people of what to look for when they are looking at forming a new one. So who's would you rather form a business partnership with, someone with no experience, or someone who has learned a bit? And why is marriage any different?

 

[john44]

No, I have never had sex with anyone before!
O-boy, I can see the whole room here rolling there eyes now

A 44 year old virgin male.
But I have always believe in sex after marriage, and not before.
I have to admit though, finding someone my age, that believes the way I do is tough!

I'll back off here, I do not want to change the topic of this room.

Thanks for all of the replies

 

[Svt4Him]

No, I have never had sex with anyone before!
O-boy, I can see the whole room here rolling there eyes now

A 44 year old virgin male.
But I have always believe in sex after marriage, and not before.
I have to admit though, finding someone my age, that believes the way I do is tough!

I'll back off here, I do not want to change the topic of this room.

Thanks for all of the replies

Best of luck to you. I believe the way you do...but I'm married already, so thanks anyway.

 

[1956Ford]

....

 

[~Nikki~]

Hi there, I have a question here I would like to ask.
I am 44 years old, never been married, but I want to be someday.
I am trying to find someone that has never been married, in other words, no divorced women.
Is that wrong of me to think like that?
I am afraid of the "baggage" left over from the previous marriage, may surface in my marriage.

It is not wrong of you to think like that at all.

In fact, the Bible says that if you marry a divorced woman you'll be committing adultery, so I'd say your desires are right on track.

May God bless you and give you the desires of your heart.

Oh, and a lady I know got married about five years ago for the first time, and she was about 45. Her husband was not previously divorced either.

 

[heartnsoul]

Hi there, I have a question here I would like to ask.
I am 44 years old, never been married, but I want to be someday.
I am trying to find someone that has never been married, in other words, no divorced women.
Is that wrong of me to think like that?
I am afraid of the "baggage" left over from the previous marriage, may surface in my marriage.

Whether previously married or not, we all have (to some extent) baggage. No one is perfect or grew up in a perfect family. So there will always be issues to work on for personal/spiritual growth whether individually or as a couple. The most important thing is to learn the lesson(s) that needed to be learned from every good or bad experience.

The issue is not whether someone is single or divorced. The issue is making sure that you are 100% committed to God and God only and are patient enough to wait on God's perfect timing for the right spiritual mature partner for you. And that person may be a divorced person...who knows what the future brings? I think it's probably not a good idea to generalize and classify people by whether they are married or not. I strongly encourage you to keep your heart and mind open to God's will and just focus on your own spiritual growth right now.

Spiritual maturity is the key quality to look for in a marriage partner. And that quality can be found in single or divorced persons. All of us are at different maturity levels in our spiritual walk. I pray that you renew your commitment to God and take time out to strengthen your walk. May God help you heal from your last marriage and prepare your heart & mind to love others deeper.

Live, learn grow and love. That's what love is all about.

 

[agyevesam]

Everyone has baggage, married, single, or divorced! I know what you mean though about leaving a part of your self behind with an ex.

*TMI warning*- I was a virgin when I got married, my hubby was divorced (obviously NOT a virgin). There is problems that we have had b/c of this. Even though I know that he loves me, the usual thoughts and doubts are still there, even after six years of marriage.

The point I am trying to make is, there will always be baggage in a marriage, if you find a person that you can marry and love that hasn't already been married, you will save yourself a lot of heart ache. If you do meet someone who has been married, you can still have a good marriage, but know heading in that there is already an added burden.

Good luck finding Miss Right. I am sure that God has the right mate already picked out for you!! God Bless

 

[Svt4Him]

It is not wrong of you to think like that at all.

In fact, the Bible says that if you marry a divorced woman you'll be committing adultery, so I'd say your desires are right on track.

May God bless you and give you the desires of your heart.

Oh, and a lady I know got married about five years ago for the first time, and she was about 45. Her husband was not previously divorced either.

Actually it says if you marry someone who is put away, and not yet legally divorced, you commit adultery. Have we not already determined they are two different things? It's the same now. If Brad Pitt married Angelina while he was separated from Jen, he would be in adultery. Once a certificate of divorce is given, they are no longer in adultery. One may have a hard heart, but adultery it's not.

This has been ripped apart time and time again. Put away and divorced are not the same.

Divorce in the New Testament

In the Greek New Testament the verb translated ?to divorce? is apoluo. The root meaning of apoluo is ?set free, release, pardon,? or ?let go, send away, dismiss.?5 One of the most frequent usages of apoluo in the New Testament is in the sense of setting someone free. It is used of the releasing of Barabbas (Mark 15:15). It also appears when Agrippa said that Paul could have been set free if he had not appealed to Caesar (Acts 26:32). When the writer of Hebrews said that Timothy had been set at liberty, he also used apoluo (Hebrews 13:23).
Apoluo is also translated as forgive (Luke 6:37). In Luke 2:29, when S~mon saw the child Jesus and prayed, ?Now lettest thou thy servant depart,? the word translated ?depart,? signifying death, is apoluo.
The noun form used in the New Testament, divorcement, is the Greek apostasion. It carries with it the idea of relinquishing property after sale, of giving up one?s claim.6 Apostasion comes from the verb aphistemi, which literally means ?to stand away from.? The verb carries the idea of leaving, forsaking. A closely related word, apostasia (from which we get our word apostasy) is used in Acts 21:21, where some said that Paul taught the people to forsake Moses. It also appears in 2 Thessalonians 2:3, where Paul said the falling away would come before the second coming.

The New Testament equivalent of the bill of divorcement (sepher kenthuth) of Deuteronomy 24:1 is biblion apostasiou. This literally means ?a book of separation, dismissal,? it appears in Matthew 19:7. Apostasion also occurs in Matthew 5:31.

In the New Testament both the verb for ?divorce? (apoluo) and the noun (apostasiop) continue the Old Testament concept of complete dissolution of the marriage bond. In both Testaments the meaning of divorce is clearly more than putting away the wife with separate bed and board. It is granting freedom for the party to marry again.
Neale Pryor. Divorce ? It?s Meaning. Your Marriage Can Be Great. Thomas B. Warren, Ed. (98-104).

 

[AbidingInHim]

Ah sorry if I'm repeating something, I'm pooped and been on-line for a while so didn't read all the posts, my 2 cents worth is as follows....

Your not wrong with what you want, that said be careful what you want doesn't always mesh with what God wants for us

You should be seeking Him on this instead of your own desires.

It also been my experience that He usually gives us what we don't want......great for building Character and a closeness with Him.

I also agree with I think Heart and soul said.....everybody's got baggage whether or not they've been married.....it's how they handle the baggage that should make the difference....

God Bless you on your search

 

[Svt4Him]

Ah sorry if I'm repeating something, I'm pooped and been on-line for a while so didn't read all the posts, my 2 cents worth is as follows....

Your not wrong with what you want, that said be careful what you want doesn't always mesh with what God wants for us

You should be seeking Him on this instead of your own desires.

It also been my experience that He usually gives us what we don't want......great for building Character and a closeness with Him.

I also agree with I think Heart and soul said.....everybody's got baggage whether or not they've been married.....it's how they handle the baggage that should make the difference....

God Bless you on your search

Excellent. Seek first the kindgom of God, and His righteousness.

 

[john44]

Hey you guys are great!
Lots of wisdom and good responses going on here!
I thank you!
Maybe I am looking through some kind of fairy tail glasses, in where once you get married you stay married, but I know it is not like that in real life.
I have been very fortunate, my Parent's will be married 50 years, come this June.
God Bless them.
So that's why I have my beliefs the way I do about One Man, One Woman, One lifetime.
I know relationships don't come easy, I met someone last January, on one of the Christian Dating forums.
I thought she was the one!
We shared the same ideas, thought the same, and we had a good time together.
Later on in the year, she ran into someone that she was friends with 15 years ago.
Well, to make a long story short, she's with him now, and I am wondering "what happened"?
(Sorry about the personal biography here)


Hey, Happy New Year everybody!

 

[Stringaling]

I have a friend who is 38 and looking...For the longest time he had certatin requirements--she must be such abd such age, virgin, no kids, pious, blah, blah, blah.. Well his criteria were too high for even himself to live up to nd that is what kep him single for so long. He is in a relationship now, with someone who is a bit more reasonable in age.. I think that he has let go of some of his unreachable standards, and that is why he is finally in a serious relationship. But anyway, what I want to say is that if you try to find only someone who lives up to certain criteria you will never marry. Being 44, you must realise that some opportunities are gone. The virginal bride, at your age may not exist. Don't set your standards too high. Accept what God gives. For the longest time I hae worried about my friend, because he would only accept certain things in a woman...This attitude is surely what kept him single all these years...Try not to make the same mistake. If you can't meet up to the standards yourself that you want in a wife...maybe rethink your standards..

God bless you in your journey'

Mandy

 

[Aileen]

My Best wishes to you as we begin a new year. The Lord knows the desire of your heart and I hope that this year you will begin a lasting, loving relationship.
Pray....and do your part too. Start looking in the right places, and remember to smile , smile, smile ! You have a lot to offer. Any woman, single, widowed or divorced will have a certain amount of 'baggage´ but the experiences of life will have tught her a lot too. Remember that ´what´s true for the goose is true for the gander´ ....she´ll think YOU must have a lot of ´baggage´ too.

I hope that in a years time we hear good news.

 

[john44]

I have a friend who is 38 and looking...For the longest time he had certatin requirements--she must be such abd such age, virgin, no kids, pious, blah, blah, blah.. Well his criteria were too high for even himself to live up to nd that is what kep him single for so long. He is in a relationship now, with someone who is a bit more reasonable in age.. I think that he has let go of some of his unreachable standards, and that is why he is finally in a serious relationship. But anyway, what I want to say is that if you try to find only someone who lives up to certain criteria you will never marry. Being 44, you must realise that some opportunities are gone. The virginal bride, at your age may not exist. Don't set your standards too high. Accept what God gives. For the longest time I hae worried about my friend, because he would only accept certain things in a woman...This attitude is surely what kept him single all these years...Try not to make the same mistake. If you can't meet up to the standards yourself that you want in a wife...maybe rethink your standards..

God bless you in your journey'

Mandy

I do not think of it as a "Standard," that I am setting for myself.
The word "Standard" sounds like I am trying to choose someone better than the rest, or that I am better than the rest... I do not mean it to sound that way.
To me it is my belief that makes me think the way I do.
Yes, I do know that a female virgin in the mid 40ties, would be a rare find.
And yes, I am still a virgin male who is 44.
Why is that you may ask?
Again it is because of my belief.
Biblically speaking, Shouldn't any person, who has not been married, still be a virgin?
I think so, do I want to change that belief...no.
(It's tough though...I hope I can still say that in 5 years?)
It seems like to me that every generation that passes, seems to "tweak" the Biblical laws a little bit to fit there life style.

But the original laws have not changed.

Perhaps my purpose in life was to remain single...I don't know?
Time will tell?