Hey guys, I just joined the forum. I was looking for some second opinions on where I'm at with my faith. I'm 20, in my second year at FSU.
I was baptized in a Russian Orthodox church when I was an infant(my Dad is Russian, though my parents divorced when I was 2 and I was then raised by my Mom and grandparents). I had a good upbringing. My Mom and grandparents were strong Christians, especially my grandfather. I grew up going to the Sunday school at the local United Methodist church(a conservative one) and then went to the middle and high school youth groups throughout the years. I went through confirmation class in 8th grade and I asked my pastor if I should get baptized again but he said the one I got as an infant counts.
I was always regarded by my family and friends as a "good kid". I never got involved in anything over the top but I definitely struggled with sins. I played a lot of video games with ungodly content that I regret wasting so many years on. I was pretty addicted to touching yourself, inappropriate content, chat rooms, sexting, throughout middle and high school. That was my main struggle. It was all pretty behind the scenes. I also had issues with cussing frequently, mainly when with some friends. I was often selfish because I was an only-child and didn't treat family and friends as good as I should've.
Once I got to college, things were pretty lousy in some respects. I sat in my dorm and wasted time skipping class and playing video games or I'd be eating like garbage at the dining hall. I still went to a church group on campus(affiliated with Great Commission Churches, also tried the Methodist group on and off) but looking back, I was just a crappy, worldly "Christian". I would pray often and enjoy church group and made solid friendships and had good discussions and fellowship at the Bible studies but I just wasn't taking it to heart. I would do that stuff but still struggle with the lust issues previously mentioned(there were a few cases in college that were effectively online adultery), terrible video games and music too, cussing, gluttony, treating family and friends like crap sometimes, being spiteful to others, etc. It hadn't yet hit me that I truly deserved hell and needed Christ badly.
Freshman year came and went and then Summer came and went and then Fall 2014 semester came and went. Over this time, I was in mediocre health because of being overweight and inactive and(realize this in hindsight) I had a fear/panic attack disorder where I thought I was going to get heart trouble and die, which then led to a fear of hell(rightfully so). I was dealing with what I now recognize as OCD/scrupulosity. I often would get scared by fundamentalist websites or campus preachers who talked about video games and rock music sending people to hell or how most Christians are fake and are going to hell. In January, I decided to take somewhat of a plunge and detox myself from all the media I was a slave to. I tossed my games in the trash and sold my Xbox to a friend(something I regretted the next day, so I donated the money to my church, though I take some comfort in knowing he's Christian), I deleted 99% of music from my library, tossed out some books, etc, tossed out a TV series I enjoyed but was effectively not Christian(LOST), etc. I wasn't really into movies to begin with.
It honestly felt great to simplify my life. It was a real awakening. I looked back on my sins and realized I was living a lie and taking God's grace for granted at a disgusting level. It hit me that I truly deserved hell and the ONLY thing keeping me from it is Jesus. The whole "I'm a good person" mentality finally shattered. I dived more into my prayer life, taking a day at a time and seeing what God throws into my life, having an increased desire to do what God approves of and not what the world thinks, an increased desire to share the Gospel because it hit me that it's the one truly important thing in life and the most important thing anyone will ever hear, realizing that we're all(in the First World) distracted by useless media, etc. A bit of OCD paranoia kicked in and I had quite a "God and myself against the world" mentality. I even got very skeptical of modern churches(like that term "churchianity") and was afraid of all the false doctrine out there. I didn't know who to trust or believe. I believed in Christ, of course, but I wasn't sure if any book other than the Bible could be trusted, wasn't sure if every popular pastor was a false teacher, etc. I took somewhat of a red pill, but maybe to the point of nonsensical paranoia.
My struggle with sin lessened. The touching yourself was reduced from a daily struggle to a weekly or bi-weekly struggle until recently, when I've really been able to resist because it hit me that I was defiling the temple of the Holy Spirit. Though I still struggled on and off with lustful eyes when I'd walk around my college campus(like how the girls wear yoga pants and such). I'd hate that I would be tempted by that every single day. I would often wish that I could just push a button that turns off my capacity to sin and give God complete control, like almost take away my free will. A lot of the time my scrupulosity would kick in and I'd be afraid of being handed over to a reprobate mind. I felt guilty for liking girls because the line between me finding them pretty and lusting would often get blurred, probably from years of inappropriate content brainwashing.
Things got better with faith and then things went downhill for a bit. It was essentially because I actually started reading the Bible and then subsequently misunderstood blasphemy against the Holy Spirit. My OCD mind was almost looking for a way to prove to me that I was lost for sure and it seemed to have found its loophole. I went through a period of a week or two in early February where I would get awful OCD blasphemous thoughts and genuinely thought I was condemned and had my life ahead of me and then hell. It was the lowest point I've ever been in. I almost gave in to the lie of the enemy that I may as well give up the faith because I had already messed up anyway. But I prayed a lot to God, sometimes in great fear, and begged for His Spirit to stay with me. When I'd pray, I'd often get bad thoughts, thoughts I was lying to God and condemning myself more and more. My OCD would go insane. I'd just pray to God to take the evil out of me and fill me with His Spirit. I finally got over it and had the resolution that even if I was condemned, I'd still live a Godly live, pray, share the Gospel with others, etc. simply because it's the right thing to do and I wanted to save others even if I was screwed.
Things have gotten better in the past week and I've actually been more sure of my salvation, thanks to some encouragement from my church friends. Sometimes I get bad bursts of OCD blasphemous thoughts and I'm afraid that it's coming from me and I'm not truly saved but I just pray about it and keep straining ahead.
Now I'm just focused on maintaining an active prayer life, reading the whole Bible and being well-versed in it, being effective at sharing the Gospel(I'm going on a mission trip to UF over my Spring break) and avoiding sin. I'd like to pursue girls(only Christian) but I don't want to fall into lust and I know I'm not going to get married anytime soon so it's just not practical. I'm feeling pretty decent, I've definitely recovered from the valley I was in a few weeks ago. Though I often wonder if I should get baptized again or if it doesn't matter at this point?
Give some thoughts on the whole thing and any advice. Thanks!
I was baptized in a Russian Orthodox church when I was an infant(my Dad is Russian, though my parents divorced when I was 2 and I was then raised by my Mom and grandparents). I had a good upbringing. My Mom and grandparents were strong Christians, especially my grandfather. I grew up going to the Sunday school at the local United Methodist church(a conservative one) and then went to the middle and high school youth groups throughout the years. I went through confirmation class in 8th grade and I asked my pastor if I should get baptized again but he said the one I got as an infant counts.
I was always regarded by my family and friends as a "good kid". I never got involved in anything over the top but I definitely struggled with sins. I played a lot of video games with ungodly content that I regret wasting so many years on. I was pretty addicted to touching yourself, inappropriate content, chat rooms, sexting, throughout middle and high school. That was my main struggle. It was all pretty behind the scenes. I also had issues with cussing frequently, mainly when with some friends. I was often selfish because I was an only-child and didn't treat family and friends as good as I should've.
Once I got to college, things were pretty lousy in some respects. I sat in my dorm and wasted time skipping class and playing video games or I'd be eating like garbage at the dining hall. I still went to a church group on campus(affiliated with Great Commission Churches, also tried the Methodist group on and off) but looking back, I was just a crappy, worldly "Christian". I would pray often and enjoy church group and made solid friendships and had good discussions and fellowship at the Bible studies but I just wasn't taking it to heart. I would do that stuff but still struggle with the lust issues previously mentioned(there were a few cases in college that were effectively online adultery), terrible video games and music too, cussing, gluttony, treating family and friends like crap sometimes, being spiteful to others, etc. It hadn't yet hit me that I truly deserved hell and needed Christ badly.
Freshman year came and went and then Summer came and went and then Fall 2014 semester came and went. Over this time, I was in mediocre health because of being overweight and inactive and(realize this in hindsight) I had a fear/panic attack disorder where I thought I was going to get heart trouble and die, which then led to a fear of hell(rightfully so). I was dealing with what I now recognize as OCD/scrupulosity. I often would get scared by fundamentalist websites or campus preachers who talked about video games and rock music sending people to hell or how most Christians are fake and are going to hell. In January, I decided to take somewhat of a plunge and detox myself from all the media I was a slave to. I tossed my games in the trash and sold my Xbox to a friend(something I regretted the next day, so I donated the money to my church, though I take some comfort in knowing he's Christian), I deleted 99% of music from my library, tossed out some books, etc, tossed out a TV series I enjoyed but was effectively not Christian(LOST), etc. I wasn't really into movies to begin with.
It honestly felt great to simplify my life. It was a real awakening. I looked back on my sins and realized I was living a lie and taking God's grace for granted at a disgusting level. It hit me that I truly deserved hell and the ONLY thing keeping me from it is Jesus. The whole "I'm a good person" mentality finally shattered. I dived more into my prayer life, taking a day at a time and seeing what God throws into my life, having an increased desire to do what God approves of and not what the world thinks, an increased desire to share the Gospel because it hit me that it's the one truly important thing in life and the most important thing anyone will ever hear, realizing that we're all(in the First World) distracted by useless media, etc. A bit of OCD paranoia kicked in and I had quite a "God and myself against the world" mentality. I even got very skeptical of modern churches(like that term "churchianity") and was afraid of all the false doctrine out there. I didn't know who to trust or believe. I believed in Christ, of course, but I wasn't sure if any book other than the Bible could be trusted, wasn't sure if every popular pastor was a false teacher, etc. I took somewhat of a red pill, but maybe to the point of nonsensical paranoia.
My struggle with sin lessened. The touching yourself was reduced from a daily struggle to a weekly or bi-weekly struggle until recently, when I've really been able to resist because it hit me that I was defiling the temple of the Holy Spirit. Though I still struggled on and off with lustful eyes when I'd walk around my college campus(like how the girls wear yoga pants and such). I'd hate that I would be tempted by that every single day. I would often wish that I could just push a button that turns off my capacity to sin and give God complete control, like almost take away my free will. A lot of the time my scrupulosity would kick in and I'd be afraid of being handed over to a reprobate mind. I felt guilty for liking girls because the line between me finding them pretty and lusting would often get blurred, probably from years of inappropriate content brainwashing.
Things got better with faith and then things went downhill for a bit. It was essentially because I actually started reading the Bible and then subsequently misunderstood blasphemy against the Holy Spirit. My OCD mind was almost looking for a way to prove to me that I was lost for sure and it seemed to have found its loophole. I went through a period of a week or two in early February where I would get awful OCD blasphemous thoughts and genuinely thought I was condemned and had my life ahead of me and then hell. It was the lowest point I've ever been in. I almost gave in to the lie of the enemy that I may as well give up the faith because I had already messed up anyway. But I prayed a lot to God, sometimes in great fear, and begged for His Spirit to stay with me. When I'd pray, I'd often get bad thoughts, thoughts I was lying to God and condemning myself more and more. My OCD would go insane. I'd just pray to God to take the evil out of me and fill me with His Spirit. I finally got over it and had the resolution that even if I was condemned, I'd still live a Godly live, pray, share the Gospel with others, etc. simply because it's the right thing to do and I wanted to save others even if I was screwed.
Things have gotten better in the past week and I've actually been more sure of my salvation, thanks to some encouragement from my church friends. Sometimes I get bad bursts of OCD blasphemous thoughts and I'm afraid that it's coming from me and I'm not truly saved but I just pray about it and keep straining ahead.
Now I'm just focused on maintaining an active prayer life, reading the whole Bible and being well-versed in it, being effective at sharing the Gospel(I'm going on a mission trip to UF over my Spring break) and avoiding sin. I'd like to pursue girls(only Christian) but I don't want to fall into lust and I know I'm not going to get married anytime soon so it's just not practical. I'm feeling pretty decent, I've definitely recovered from the valley I was in a few weeks ago. Though I often wonder if I should get baptized again or if it doesn't matter at this point?
Give some thoughts on the whole thing and any advice. Thanks!
