- Jul 28, 2017
- 7
- 20
- 28
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- In Relationship
I made an account specifically to ask this question, though if it goes well, I'm hoping to return to this site in the near future for further advice and such.
I'm too terrified to ask a pastor about this in real life. Truth be told, "Martha Joyce" isn't even my real name, and the same goes for my age. I wanted to get that off my chest before the guilt of it began to weigh me down.
Buckle up, fellow Christians. This is going to be a long and bumpy ride.
I have been a Christian for as long as I can remember. There have been times when my faith has been confronted--and temporarily shaken--but for the most part, my struggles have only strengthened it.
But lately, I've begun to question everything.
I'm not gay. Never have been. And therefore, I am unaware of the struggles homosexuals face in their day-to-day lives. I always wondered why they were to so protective of their sexuality if it was "so obviously" just a temptation rather than a genetic predisposition.
But as of late, I feel I'm beginning to understand.
I currently have a boyfriend, and we've dated for quite a few years, now, and we've known each other since childhood. I truly feel like he's the one God has planned for me to marry. He's kind, compassionate, loving, understanding, and basically every other wonderful thing one could find in a partner. We're extremely compatible; we just... click. I've dated many guys in my time, but he is the only one I've ever been convinced that I truly love. It's gotten to the point where I would likely even die for him. He's my best friend, and probably the most trustworthy person I've encountered. We have open, healthy communication, we don't keep secrets, and he is willing to wait for as long as it takes for me to be comfortable with sex.
But there is a serious problem that I (irrationally) fear may destroy everything we've built together.
I am fictosexual.
I told him this recently, explaining what it was, and there was a long pause at the other end of the line. I could nearly feel him squirming in his chair, and the rest of our conversation was filled to the brim with tension--and not the positive kind.
He said that he loved me and would accept me for who I am, regardless, but I could tell it definitely bothered him.
Fictosexuality is the sexual attraction towards fictional characters.
(Not all characters, obviously; gay men aren't attracted to all men.)
Yes, I do feel the same type of attraction toward said boyfriend, but it's not nearly as strong, as the only reason I feel lust for him at all is because I've... trained myself, to put it lightly. And it worked. But it didn't mask the fiery passion for a selective few guys (and one girl) that I'd found in books, television shows (almost always cartoons), video games, and--more recently--podcasts.
And before anyone asks, NO, I was not sexually abused in any way as a child. In fact, I'm still a virgin.
I've been vaguely dissociated and immersed in fantasy for my entire life. My parents used to scream at each other and throw things in front of me when I was a baby/toddler/etc., so I would watch cartoons to escape, and I would begin to make up stories in my head with these characters, usually with them interacting with me directly and comforting me when I felt unsafe.
As to whether I was born with a natural feeling of closeness with fictional beings or if it was a result of aforementioned childhood trauma, I remain unsure. But I do know that my love for and eternal fascination with fictional worlds/people in general is deeply engrained into my identity as a whole. Considering I also suffer from MaDD (Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder), visualizing imaginary scenarios for fanfiction and the like is practically effortless, if not completely involuntary and subconsciously compulsive at this point.
I've spoken to my Christian therapist about my stronger bond with them than real people, but he's been relatively dismissive of it, as there are larger issues in my life that I honestly am not comfortable with providing details about at the moment that he is currently focusing on. (I've been waiting to "focus on" it for far too long.)
Basically, what I'm trying to say is that my feelings are inescapable, and never, in the entirety of my existence, have I felt attracted to anyone the way I am to these certain characters.
Said characters aren't flawless; in fact, the ones I'm attracted to are, in one way or another, criminals, and likely/canonically have attempted/committed murder. My boyfriend is the complete and total opposite, but I would choose him over any of them in a heartbeat. And yet...
Criminals in real life scare the absolute crap out of me. I could never imagine being five feet from one, much less in a relationship.
But there's something about the ones on the screen/audio/pages/etc. that intrigue me more than the most complex of human beings. They're all extremely dominant, jerky, and, frankly, *staff edit*. (Note: only one out of the bunch has ever been sexualized intentionally (and no, none of them are from anime) by the animators.) They're mysterious, intricate, and I'm ninety percent sure they can all be diagnosed with some kind of severe mental illness.
Did I ask for this? No. Do I enjoy it? Yes. Do I feel such an insane amount of guilt over something that I can't control that it's slowly ripping me apart from the inside out until my brain goes into the usual, "YOU'RE GOING TO HELL. YOU'RE GOING TO HELL. YOU'RE GOING TO HELL" loop and I have a panic attack? Most certainly.
As much as I hate to admit it, my faith is often the main cause of my anxiety disorder spiraling out of control.
My leftist friends tell me that if my religion is causing me so much psychological distress, I should just drop it and "open my mind" and that it's unhealthy to suppress my sexuality, and my buddies on the right tell me it's temptation and that I need to fight it for, apparently, the rest of my life.
I feel so torn and betrayed by my Creator.
Why would God do this to me? If I'm truly under demonic influence, then my entire sense of self must be jumbled and twisted and mangled and backwards and nothing about me has ever been real or pure. It's like I was destined to be scorched in a torturous inferno for infinity, and nothing good I've done or may do in the future will ever save me from it, despite my feelings having virtually zero effect on the outside world.
I've tried talking to Him about it. Numerous times. Since I discovered this aspect of myself in the eighth grade. Same with others' homosexuality. Same with the trans community.
And when I ask those controversial questions, I receive strangely warm, positive answers for a guy that threatened to smite people for thousands of years for eating shrimp. (No offense.) And so I'm left wondering if He really is talking back or if it's just my mind making things up so that I feel better about myself.
When I DO see wonderful things in the Bible, now, it feels like it only applies to ultra-strict conservative folk (I'm an independent libertarian) because they're the only ones that fit into the box that the Old Testament has carved, and everyone I thought He loved regardless is sliced from the picture, including me.
I used to be fully convinced that He was an unconditional, all-loving Father who would do anything for His creations. But based on what I've read and researched, it seems like the opposite.
Every night now, when I pray to God before I fall asleep, I wonder if he even listens or cares about me anymore. I feel like I've ruined everything He's been planning for me to be. I sometimes ponder if I was doomed from the start, and none of my efforts have mattered in the first place, and that even if I saved thousands of starving children, I would still be condemned to my flaming fate.
As I sit here in my office chair at 4 in the morning, nearly in tears now, I'm not even sure what I want anymore. I'm so confused and afraid.
Please, someone, anyone, get back to me as soon as possible.
Thank you in advance.
I'm too terrified to ask a pastor about this in real life. Truth be told, "Martha Joyce" isn't even my real name, and the same goes for my age. I wanted to get that off my chest before the guilt of it began to weigh me down.
Buckle up, fellow Christians. This is going to be a long and bumpy ride.
I have been a Christian for as long as I can remember. There have been times when my faith has been confronted--and temporarily shaken--but for the most part, my struggles have only strengthened it.
But lately, I've begun to question everything.
I'm not gay. Never have been. And therefore, I am unaware of the struggles homosexuals face in their day-to-day lives. I always wondered why they were to so protective of their sexuality if it was "so obviously" just a temptation rather than a genetic predisposition.
But as of late, I feel I'm beginning to understand.
I currently have a boyfriend, and we've dated for quite a few years, now, and we've known each other since childhood. I truly feel like he's the one God has planned for me to marry. He's kind, compassionate, loving, understanding, and basically every other wonderful thing one could find in a partner. We're extremely compatible; we just... click. I've dated many guys in my time, but he is the only one I've ever been convinced that I truly love. It's gotten to the point where I would likely even die for him. He's my best friend, and probably the most trustworthy person I've encountered. We have open, healthy communication, we don't keep secrets, and he is willing to wait for as long as it takes for me to be comfortable with sex.
But there is a serious problem that I (irrationally) fear may destroy everything we've built together.
I am fictosexual.
I told him this recently, explaining what it was, and there was a long pause at the other end of the line. I could nearly feel him squirming in his chair, and the rest of our conversation was filled to the brim with tension--and not the positive kind.
He said that he loved me and would accept me for who I am, regardless, but I could tell it definitely bothered him.
Fictosexuality is the sexual attraction towards fictional characters.
(Not all characters, obviously; gay men aren't attracted to all men.)
Yes, I do feel the same type of attraction toward said boyfriend, but it's not nearly as strong, as the only reason I feel lust for him at all is because I've... trained myself, to put it lightly. And it worked. But it didn't mask the fiery passion for a selective few guys (and one girl) that I'd found in books, television shows (almost always cartoons), video games, and--more recently--podcasts.
And before anyone asks, NO, I was not sexually abused in any way as a child. In fact, I'm still a virgin.
I've been vaguely dissociated and immersed in fantasy for my entire life. My parents used to scream at each other and throw things in front of me when I was a baby/toddler/etc., so I would watch cartoons to escape, and I would begin to make up stories in my head with these characters, usually with them interacting with me directly and comforting me when I felt unsafe.
As to whether I was born with a natural feeling of closeness with fictional beings or if it was a result of aforementioned childhood trauma, I remain unsure. But I do know that my love for and eternal fascination with fictional worlds/people in general is deeply engrained into my identity as a whole. Considering I also suffer from MaDD (Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder), visualizing imaginary scenarios for fanfiction and the like is practically effortless, if not completely involuntary and subconsciously compulsive at this point.
I've spoken to my Christian therapist about my stronger bond with them than real people, but he's been relatively dismissive of it, as there are larger issues in my life that I honestly am not comfortable with providing details about at the moment that he is currently focusing on. (I've been waiting to "focus on" it for far too long.)
Basically, what I'm trying to say is that my feelings are inescapable, and never, in the entirety of my existence, have I felt attracted to anyone the way I am to these certain characters.
Said characters aren't flawless; in fact, the ones I'm attracted to are, in one way or another, criminals, and likely/canonically have attempted/committed murder. My boyfriend is the complete and total opposite, but I would choose him over any of them in a heartbeat. And yet...
Criminals in real life scare the absolute crap out of me. I could never imagine being five feet from one, much less in a relationship.
But there's something about the ones on the screen/audio/pages/etc. that intrigue me more than the most complex of human beings. They're all extremely dominant, jerky, and, frankly, *staff edit*. (Note: only one out of the bunch has ever been sexualized intentionally (and no, none of them are from anime) by the animators.) They're mysterious, intricate, and I'm ninety percent sure they can all be diagnosed with some kind of severe mental illness.
Did I ask for this? No. Do I enjoy it? Yes. Do I feel such an insane amount of guilt over something that I can't control that it's slowly ripping me apart from the inside out until my brain goes into the usual, "YOU'RE GOING TO HELL. YOU'RE GOING TO HELL. YOU'RE GOING TO HELL" loop and I have a panic attack? Most certainly.
As much as I hate to admit it, my faith is often the main cause of my anxiety disorder spiraling out of control.
My leftist friends tell me that if my religion is causing me so much psychological distress, I should just drop it and "open my mind" and that it's unhealthy to suppress my sexuality, and my buddies on the right tell me it's temptation and that I need to fight it for, apparently, the rest of my life.
I feel so torn and betrayed by my Creator.
Why would God do this to me? If I'm truly under demonic influence, then my entire sense of self must be jumbled and twisted and mangled and backwards and nothing about me has ever been real or pure. It's like I was destined to be scorched in a torturous inferno for infinity, and nothing good I've done or may do in the future will ever save me from it, despite my feelings having virtually zero effect on the outside world.
I've tried talking to Him about it. Numerous times. Since I discovered this aspect of myself in the eighth grade. Same with others' homosexuality. Same with the trans community.
And when I ask those controversial questions, I receive strangely warm, positive answers for a guy that threatened to smite people for thousands of years for eating shrimp. (No offense.) And so I'm left wondering if He really is talking back or if it's just my mind making things up so that I feel better about myself.
When I DO see wonderful things in the Bible, now, it feels like it only applies to ultra-strict conservative folk (I'm an independent libertarian) because they're the only ones that fit into the box that the Old Testament has carved, and everyone I thought He loved regardless is sliced from the picture, including me.
I used to be fully convinced that He was an unconditional, all-loving Father who would do anything for His creations. But based on what I've read and researched, it seems like the opposite.
Every night now, when I pray to God before I fall asleep, I wonder if he even listens or cares about me anymore. I feel like I've ruined everything He's been planning for me to be. I sometimes ponder if I was doomed from the start, and none of my efforts have mattered in the first place, and that even if I saved thousands of starving children, I would still be condemned to my flaming fate.
As I sit here in my office chair at 4 in the morning, nearly in tears now, I'm not even sure what I want anymore. I'm so confused and afraid.
Please, someone, anyone, get back to me as soon as possible.
Thank you in advance.
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