Thoughts on breakup

Stratiotes

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Hey everyone.

I've been in a great relationship with a wonderful girl since August. We are both Christians and God is a big part of our lives. We got along so great and were completely happy. But then I broke something to her in November that seemed to rock the boat.
I told her in early November that I don't celebrate Christmas. My parents never taught me to believe in Santa even as a small child. And we also never put up trees. We do give gifts, but without alot of the fluffy traditions. I was raised believing that alot of these traditions are of pagan origin. That said though, I am not judgmental about it. It is a personal conviction that I'd never try to push off on someone else, even my girlfriend or wife. But my girlfriend got really upset with this because Christmas is a huge thing with her family. She seems halfway upset that if we were to ever get married, I wouldn't want our kids to believe in Santa (something that she claims was one of the most fun parts of her childhood), and I wouldn't want to put up a tree, and halfway I suspect is because she is afraid of how her family would react to my "crazy beliefs".

Well we made it through the holidays and I thought she'd accepted that because we love each other so much, we could find a way to work through this difference. But then three weeks ago, she said she wanted us to just be "best friends". She said it was because she feels like it was what God was leading her to do, but she also mentioned the holiday thing, so I believe that is the bigger issue.

Now I understand where she is coming from. This is a time of year she loves very much. I don't even want to ruin it for her. I told her i would never try to force my own beliefs on her. That she is saved and loves God means everything to me. But I still don't think I'd ever be able to feel right teaching kids about santa and such. I feel like it would compromise my own convictions and relationship with God. But honestly, maybe because it has never been a big deal in my family, but one day a year doesn't seem worth giving up a completely amazing and loving, and Christian relationship over.

I guess what I want to know is how big of a deal would this be to all of you if you were in her situation. If someone you are completely in love with and who treats you with nothing but love and respect reveals to you that they don't celebrate holidays, would that lead you to end the relationship? Because I'm so insecure now that I'll never be able to find love without sacrificing my own convictions. I mean, how can I compete with Santa clause?

Sorry for the length of this message. Thanks for any input.
 

Stratiotes

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Honestly, I don't think there is anything else to it. Because she was completely happy with me, talked about marriage, talked about how happy she was, until she found out about that. Then we were still together, but she didn't really ever talk about the future much anymore.
 
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overit

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Honestly? Yes, I would also probably breakup the relationship. CHristmas is also a big deal for me, my exh was on the same page as I was about it but for other reasons the marriage failed. If somebody I was dating, didn't have this in common w/me, it would indicate a lack of compatibility in a big area and that disagreement in itself about how to celebrate/teach the kids would be important enough to end it and re-examine the relationship more seriously. We also do Santa, Christmas tree, presents but our main focus is on reflection on CHrist's b-day, prayer and the time spent as a family. HOpefully this won't turn into a celebrate CHristmas debate as there are other forums for that. Your question is about the ending of the relationship, so trying to keep it on that, and being COMPLETELY honest, it would be a big deal, and yeah, I might even end the relationship, especially if he indicated he saw no reason to go along w/the way I celebrate. ANd you did say that if you have kids you wouldn't feel right teaching them about it since you weren't. I think that is the kicker.

If you said, well I wasn't raised to celebrate it like you do but am willing to go along w/it and allow you to do this w/our kids then that's a diff issue. Christmas is a big day, it celebrates the birth of our Savior, people like to celebrate w/family friends, it's also a VERY stressful time of the year, VERy stressful, for ALL families. If you added to the normal stress the fact that you don't even think it should be celebrated like she does, it would be horrendous, believe me.
I'm hoping I don't offend you, as I'm just trying to give my very honest forthright opinion as somebody who also celebrates as your gf does.
 
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Stratiotes

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Thanks for the honest reply--just what I was looking for. That is where my struggle lies. Part of me wants to put her first and just ignore whatever convictions I feel because I don't want to lose her. But part of me feels that by doing that, I'd be placing her above God in my life. I too don't want to debate whether or not my beliefs are right. I'm just trying to discover how big this issue really is as far as relationships go because I honestly had no idea how important it would be to her or I would have told her before we even started dating.
 
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peanutbutter12

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I know I wouldn't get into a relationship with someone who didn't celebrate Christmas either. It's a huge deal for me as well. The lights, decorating the tree, giving gifts... there is a magic to Christmas that I love. When I married my wife, she came from California and, while they had a tree and such, never really got into the spirit of the Holiday with all the decor and such. So I've been trying to get her into it and bring that magic into her life as well so she can enjoy it. Though, she still sees a lot of the stuff (like the animated Santa) to be a bit off the wall. Maybe it's because there is no snow in California. I know when I lived there, it didn't seem like Christmas on Dec 25th. In any event, she's starting to come around. :)

I would like to comment on Christmas being a Pagan holiday though. Without turning this into a debate, lets go over some facts. I've heard several times that Dec 25th was a Pagan holiday previous to it being adopted by Christians, but I've never once read any facts about this, only sputterings by other Christians. The whole idea about Santa Claus came from Saint Nickolas, a Bishop from Myra who first gave gold to 3 daughters to use as a dowry so they could marry. You can read the whole story elsewhere, but this is where the idea came from. There is also the idea of Christmas Trees being a Pagan origin, but again, I've never read anything credible about it...

In any event, I find a lot of Christians against the idea of celebrating Christmas in this fashion to be more misinformed than anything. But to each their own. Some people don't enjoy all the deco and stuff, that is their own prerogative. :)

CJ
 
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sallystrothers

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I just posted a thread for needed advice myself but I'll throw one in on this thread.

I had a similar situation years ago. I celebrate Christmas but by severely minimizing the Hallmark factor in it while at the same time I had a girlfriend who went all out. We disagreed. Did it matter? No. Something like that is trivial.

Remember the verse "Perfect love casts out fear"? I never really knew what this meant until recently. Imagine a pitbull is attacking a street cat. You probably wouldn't do anything to stop it because your fear of the pitbull exceeds the love you have for the cat. Now imagine the same pitbull is attacking your very own child. You would come against that pitbull with every might possible to save your chuld because the love you have for your child far exceeds the fear you have of the pitbull.

Same applies in this situation. You should be in a place that you love your significant other so strongly that something like a disagreement on Christmas seems so insignificant in comparison. That is speaking to both sides of the relationship too.

No one will ever be perfect. No one will fit your exact definition of what a spouse should be. But keep the one that you absolutely realize that you can't live one day without.
 
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MrsSeptemberPenguin

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I would also have to say that Christmas is a very big deal to me, and one of my favorite times of year. Because of that, and how strongly I believe in the reason for Christmas, I would have major problems with a guy who was not willing to celebrate Christmas. I'm saying in a round about way, I may have tried to work it out, but I doubt I could have because of my feelings about Christmas. That said, it very well could have been other things too and that the situation regarding Christmas made her realize that this relationship probably was not going to work out. Also, do not feel you have to compromise your beliefs, there are other people out there who believe the way you do. I would recommend talking about it earlier in the relationship. God has a perfect plan for each of his children, so do your best to trust and follow Him
 
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Blank123

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Christmas is my favourite time of the year and if i couldn't celebrate that with the man i would be sharing the rest of my life with i think that would probably put a huge damper on things and make Christmastime pretty hard on me.

but at the same time i think if it were a relationship worth keeping i would try to find some way to compromise on Christmas traditions so we both would be happy with what happens. Don't get me wrong, i'm not saying we would compromise on beliefs because i think most Christians are united in the beliefs surrounding what Christmas is really about but traditions and how Christ's birth and the reason for His coming is remembered and celebrated.
 
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Stratiotes

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Thanks everyone for the replies. I originally felt insignificant because the breakup was over something I feel is not a very big deal. But now after your responses I can see it is a bigger deal, so it helps me accept the situation a little better crazy as that may sound.
 
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eatenbylocusts

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Of course a Christmas tree is pagan, it has nothing to do with the birth of Christ. We still put one up every year, but we don't worship it. I never taught my kids about Santa and I never lied to them about it. I have a problem with lying to kids. My kids learned about Santa (who was real) from TV, school, etc. When they asked me if Santa was real I would say that I never saw him myself while they also got the real history of Santa from grandma. I never took them for Santa pictures, but I did ask them if they wanted to get in the line with all the other kids and the answer was no.

I wouldn't marry someone who refused to let me put up a tree and lights. But who says you have to teach your kids to believe about Santa?
 
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Stratiotes

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Yeah I told her I was willing to compromise. I wouldn't stop her from doing anything. The only thing I don't think I could do is lie to my kids, whether it is Santa, the tooth fairy, or easter bunny. I just don't think I could do it. I'm not condemning anyone who does and I'm not even saying I'm right for my beliefs. It is just the way I feel. But I guess all of these things played an important role in her childhood and she can't imagine raising her own kids without them. She was like "all the other kids will be having fun and talking about Santa, and what would our kids do?" She seems to feel that this would make them outcasts.

I wanted to say, "Well what about when all the kids are having fun smoking and doing drugs..." but i didn't think going there would help the situation.
 
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lenny86

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I know I wouldn't get into a relationship with someone who didn't celebrate Christmas either. It's a huge deal for me as well.
CJ

I would also have to say that Christmas is a very big deal to me, and one of my favorite times of year. Because of that, and how strongly I believe in the reason for Christmas, I would have major problems with a guy who was not willing to celebrate Christmas.

WHAT !!! I can't believe that so many people would be willing to end a serious relationship because one person didn't want to celibrate Christmas!!! Christmas has become one of the most non-Christian holidays of the year, and yes ... if you trace the history of many Christmas traditions to their source you would be shocked how non-Christian they are.

Believe me, if anyone is so shallow as to allow a holiday to ruin a relationship, all I can say is I wouldn't want to be with that person anyway!!
 
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lenny86

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The only thing I don't think I could do is lie to my kids, whether it is Santa, the tooth fairy, or easter bunny. I just don't think I could do it. I'm not condemning anyone who does and I'm not even saying I'm right for my beliefs. It is just the way I feel.

You are right .... I don't want to lie to my children either. What does that teach them if we do? Stand by what you believe ..... You are Right!!!

She was like "all the other kids will be having fun and talking about Santa, and what would our kids do?" She seems to feel that this would make them outcasts.

Trust me, if you raise you're children with Christian beliefs and principals, they will be outcasts. Remember Jesus said to "not be conformed to this world". Santa is a creation of Satan to draw attention away from the real meaning of Christmas. The same is true for the easter bunny and all that garbage.
 
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overit

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You are right .... I don't want to lie to my children either. What does that teach them if we do? Stand by what you believe ..... You are Right!!!



Trust me, if you raise you're children with Christian beliefs and principals, they will be outcasts. Remember Jesus said to "not be conformed to this world". Santa is a creation of Satan to draw attention away from the real meaning of Christmas. The same is true for the easter bunny and all that garbage.
Lenny, lol at 32 yrs old it's not shallow, I just dont' compromise as easily as younger people do. There are things that are important to me, I don't think it's a small issue.

THe older we get, maybe the pickier we get lol....or less in a rush to compromise in something that is of great importance. Holidays are a big deal to many people, we shouldn't have to marry somebody that doesn't celebrate or believe in the traditions we hold dear.
It's funny though, it really does seem that the older we get, the more we want to see in common and don't compromise on what younger people see as "petty". As younger people having all the time in the world, you'de think they'de be the ones that were choosier, but it's by far typically the older ones that are a LOT more careful, selective and meticulous when choosing a mate. Also, for some of us, we've already been married before, we are experienced with things that shouldn't matter or should, and are FAR less likely to compromise, doesn't make us shallow.
 
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Stratiotes

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I just see so many relationships that have such bigger problems--where cheating, abuse, or even simply a lack of love and affection are involved... some families can't even AFFORD to celebrate Christmas but they still find love and happiness. So it drives me crazy to know that an amazing relationship without problems aside from this one is ended over holiday differences. It just doesn't seem right. I know whining about it won't accomplish anything though, so I'll make this my last post in here. Thanks again for all the responses.
 
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DaughterofZion63

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I just see so many relationships that have such bigger problems--where cheating, abuse, or even simply a lack of love and affection are involved... some families can't even AFFORD to celebrate Christmas but they still find love and happiness. So it drives me crazy to know that an amazing relationship without problems aside from this one is ended over holiday differences. It just doesn't seem right. I know whining about it won't accomplish anything though, so I'll make this my last post in here. Thanks again for all the responses.

You're right. I was originally a little shocked when I read your post, but everyone is different. I have always loved Christmas time more than any other time of year for so many reasons (beautiful decorations, lights, snow...sometimes haha, music, Baby Jesus, etc.). It would be hard for me to date someone who didn't want to celebrate the Birth of our Savior. I know Christmas has turned into shopping and eating and forgetting about Jesus, in the shopping malls at least, but I don't think it's wrong to celebrate that! When I have a family, I want to have wonderful decorations, one of them most certainly will be The Nativity. I'll probably do Santa Clause, but I will be subtle about it (someone else had a good idea earlier in admitting she had never seen Santa herself when her kids asked about him). Santa or any Christmas tradition should NEVER come before celebrating the true meaning of Christmas. My mom used to make Jesus a birthday cake and we would sing to Him. I don't see any harm in that. If we remember what Christmas is really about, it is a wonderful holiday.

I think you should go with what you think is right. If it is not right for you to celebrate it, that is your conviction, like you said. I hope you are feeling better about things. Leave it up to God, He will guide you where you should be, whether or not it is with this girl. God bless you.
 
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peanutbutter12

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WHAT !!! I can't believe that so many people would be willing to end a serious relationship because one person didn't want to celibrate Christmas!!! Christmas has become one of the most non-Christian holidays of the year, and yes ... if you trace the history of many Christmas traditions to their source you would be shocked how non-Christian they are.

Believe me, if anyone is so shallow as to allow a holiday to ruin a relationship, all I can say is I wouldn't want to be with that person anyway!!
Maybe you misunderstood my comment. When I say I wouldn't be with someone who didn't celebrate Christmas, I meant someone who would blatantly be against celebrating the holiday in my fashion. Hence, I would have never gotten into a relationship with that person to begin with, so there would have been no ending of any relationship.

Christmas is what you make of it yourself. So it's become one of the Non-Christian holidays. Does that mean you have to celebrate it in the same way? Does someone have a gun to your head saying "No, you must not make Jesus a part of your holiday traditions"? Highly doubtful. I would also like to know what traditions you are talking about when you are saying they have Pagan origins. I find a lot of Christians need to get over the whole Pagan origin thing. Some things may have been Pagan in origin, but that doesn't mean they still hold the same meanings they did 1000 years ago. They are part of modern tradition for much different reasons.

And it's ok if you think me shallow for not wanting to be with someone based on my thoughts on Holidays. I'm already married so that opinion matters not. ;)

CJ
 
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