- Jun 16, 2016
- 322
- 370
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Non-Denom
- Marital Status
- Married
- Politics
- US-Others
Hello everyone,
I have been having thoughts of suicide which with my OCD/rumination thoughts can make this very confusing. Lately, I have examining these thoughts and distressing emotions more closely. Also, I have been unable to discuss this with family, my boyfriend, or his family. If my family finds out they will freak out and overreact and so will my boyfriend. Because of what happened months ago, my boyfriend's family made it clear to me in some way that I shouldn't be discussing this with him, since it causes him exhaustion and his anxiety to sky rocket which I do not want for him either. With him having mild aspergers and past relationship trauma it triggers his anxiety. He is very loving, caring, and sensitive. What did hurt me though was when his dad told me that he didn't care what I was going through that he only cared about his son, which made since, but really hurt me since, my mom told me that nobody cares about me, but me throughout my life which I kept telling her wasn't true. I also hurt that nobody believed what I was going through at the time which I wrote about in a previous post.
I have noticed that some of the times when my mind goes off and thinking about killing myself it revolves around fears that my boyfriend will leave me due to the difficulties and not being understanding of my abusive/controlling family, since his family isn't like that. I'm afraid that with how my family can be and/or how rash I have been towards my family would cause him to leave me. I am working on new, better, and sound ways to deal with my family.
I also am afraid of my abusive/controlling family and want out other than visits from time to time where I get to leave their house on my terms/ when I want to. My parent's scare me and I feel trapped especially when they think that it is "unsafe" and won't allow me to leave their house. My mom has severe mental illness and has trapped me in her house more than once. They are also financially supporting me while going to school, but with this it seem like there is a price where they act like they can do whatever they want to me. Sometimes, I get so scared that I just let them take over due to how bad my anxiety gets.
I scratch when anxious, nervous, or upset. I have recently had thoughts of starting to really cut myself or attempt suicide with a suicide note with their name on it to force my parents to change, but as I have seen after a psychiatric episode when I started to act out and told them some of the truth of what their actions were doing to me mentally/emotionally they didn't understand or see the abusive/controlling situations as I do. They think that how they are treating me isn't controlling at all, that it is all about "safety " when in reality I feel like I need safety from them! They don't see how their safety is treating me like I'm twelve when I'm far beyond that age. It's just due to disabilities, finishing school, and having to financially rely on them until I'm done I feel as though I'm unfortunately stuck, since I can't do school and work at the same time.
I have not acted on any of these thoughts. I am currently getting the help I need with medication and therapy.
I have been having thoughts of suicide which with my OCD/rumination thoughts can make this very confusing. Lately, I have examining these thoughts and distressing emotions more closely. Also, I have been unable to discuss this with family, my boyfriend, or his family. If my family finds out they will freak out and overreact and so will my boyfriend. Because of what happened months ago, my boyfriend's family made it clear to me in some way that I shouldn't be discussing this with him, since it causes him exhaustion and his anxiety to sky rocket which I do not want for him either. With him having mild aspergers and past relationship trauma it triggers his anxiety. He is very loving, caring, and sensitive. What did hurt me though was when his dad told me that he didn't care what I was going through that he only cared about his son, which made since, but really hurt me since, my mom told me that nobody cares about me, but me throughout my life which I kept telling her wasn't true. I also hurt that nobody believed what I was going through at the time which I wrote about in a previous post.
I have noticed that some of the times when my mind goes off and thinking about killing myself it revolves around fears that my boyfriend will leave me due to the difficulties and not being understanding of my abusive/controlling family, since his family isn't like that. I'm afraid that with how my family can be and/or how rash I have been towards my family would cause him to leave me. I am working on new, better, and sound ways to deal with my family.
I also am afraid of my abusive/controlling family and want out other than visits from time to time where I get to leave their house on my terms/ when I want to. My parent's scare me and I feel trapped especially when they think that it is "unsafe" and won't allow me to leave their house. My mom has severe mental illness and has trapped me in her house more than once. They are also financially supporting me while going to school, but with this it seem like there is a price where they act like they can do whatever they want to me. Sometimes, I get so scared that I just let them take over due to how bad my anxiety gets.
I scratch when anxious, nervous, or upset. I have recently had thoughts of starting to really cut myself or attempt suicide with a suicide note with their name on it to force my parents to change, but as I have seen after a psychiatric episode when I started to act out and told them some of the truth of what their actions were doing to me mentally/emotionally they didn't understand or see the abusive/controlling situations as I do. They think that how they are treating me isn't controlling at all, that it is all about "safety " when in reality I feel like I need safety from them! They don't see how their safety is treating me like I'm twelve when I'm far beyond that age. It's just due to disabilities, finishing school, and having to financially rely on them until I'm done I feel as though I'm unfortunately stuck, since I can't do school and work at the same time.
I have not acted on any of these thoughts. I am currently getting the help I need with medication and therapy.
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