This thread is going to be heavy stuff

[☦Marius☦]

Hello brothers and sisters,

I have not posted on TAW much since my Christening, and I am going to explain why and ask for advice, because I truly don't know where to go from here. As some of you might remember I posted awhile back that I work with a Gnostic. Now he and I have had many conversations and I have been pulled further and further into occult practice since my Christening, with the ink on my certificate barely dry. I don't know why once I was orthodox suddenly I stopped caring, maybe I was expecting too much from my first communion, maybe because I have mental disorders. However I have been on a constant downward spiral since.

What started out as a renewed interest in the occult grew into every other category of sin I am weak it. I started questioning everything I profess to believe, the existence of God as we believe, the historical foundation of the gospels, and trying to connect dots between different religions and cults.

I delved back hard into inappropriate content and have been struggling more and more with attraction towards men. Something I never in my life had until the last few years. I also have been struggling with my gender identity. I will have days where my brain constantly makes me consider whether I should be a woman or not, until I can get it focused on something else.

I've had sex with multiple women during this period, feeling sick afterwards. Most of this past month has been filled with uncontrollable suicidal thoughts which make me tired and weak.

I am so tired of living this life friends. I have been suffering mentally since I was a teen, and I don't see any sign of it stopping. Since I got kicked out of the military a few years ago for a suicide attempt its only been getting worse and worse.

The only way I am ever happy now is with a buzz, and I spend most of my time trying to forget I exist by distracting myself with videogames and inappropriate content. Sometimes the inappropriate content borders or crosses into the illegal as well.

I have thought of going to monasteries but have been obsessed all my life with finding the perfect relationship. I fear celibacy will hurt more than what I am going through now. I also have a debt that has kept me up to this point from going, but with tax returns this year I may be able to pay it off.

Give advice and please pray for me. I feel so lost and only want death at this point. However I refuse to take that option.

 

[~Anastasia~]

Lord have mercy!


First, have you talked to your priest? If not, you should. Confession is medicine. Even if you fear you will fall back into sin, go. The desire to repent is there, it seems?

Secondly, going to a monastery for a visit doesn't at all mean you must become a monk. I seriously doubt any Abbott would accept you while struggling anyway, as he would not want you to regret any decision later. We are in the business of helping people and setting them free, not binding more cords round them beyond what they can bear.

And you have my prayers. We can listen here, and maybe make little suggestions. But you need your priest, or more expert, direct help. We can encourage you and pray for you. But you need help.

Also ... is it possible there is any medical issue adding to the problem? Sometimes that needs sorting out too, and there is no shame in it.

If I were in your position, what has helped me in the past is to turn on AFR and start listening to relevant podcasts, from voices I know and trust. Or the same via YouTube. Or the music portion of AFR. it helps me to have the right voices, words, atmosphere around me all the time, even if I must be paying attention to something else.

And it sounds like you really need to close the door on these other influences. Have you read the book about the guru, the young man, and Elder Paisios? (Now Saint)

Please talk to your priest.

Prayers for you!

 

[Anhelyna]

I was about to post along the same lines as Anastasia.

I'll just add something .

I was talking with my priest one day [ before my Chrismation ] and was hesitant trying to say something about which I was , putting it mildly , a little embarrassed. Father , bless him , looked at me , smiled and said " I've heard it all before - many many times ". That took a lot of tension out of it - and then he added with a smile " And I was young once "

See your priest - he has heard it all before and will be able to give good counsel.

 

[he-man]

Hello brothers and sisters, I have not posted on TAW much since my Christening, and I am going to explain why and ask for advice, because I truly don't know where to go from here. As some of you might remember I posted awhile back that I work with a Gnostic. Now he and I have had many conversations and I have been pulled further and further into occult practice since my Christening, with the ink on my certificate barely dry. I don't know why once I was orthodox suddenly I stopped caring, maybe I was expecting too much from my first communion, maybe because I have mental disorders. However I have been on a constant downward spiral since.
What started out as a renewed interest in the occult grew into every other category of sin I am weak it. I started questioning everything I profess to believe, the existence of God as we believe, the historical foundation of the gospels, and trying to connect dots between different religions and cults.
I delved back hard into inappropriate content and have been struggling more and more with attraction towards men. Something I never in my life had until the last few years. I also have been struggling with my gender identity. I will have days where my brain constantly makes me consider whether I should be a woman or not, until I can get it focused on something else.
I've had sex with multiple women during this period, feeling sick afterwards. Most of this past month has been filled with uncontrollable suicidal thoughts which make me tired and weak.
I am so tired of living this life friends. I have been suffering mentally since I was a teen, and I don't see any sign of it stopping. Since I got kicked out of the military a few years ago for a suicide attempt its only been getting worse and worse.
The only way I am ever happy now is with a buzz, and I spend most of my time trying to forget I exist by distracting myself with videogames and inappropriate content. Sometimes the inappropriate content borders or crosses into the illegal as well.
I have thought of going to monasteries but have been obsessed all my life with finding the perfect relationship. I fear celibacy will hurt more than what I am going through now. I also have a debt that has kept me up to this point from going, but with tax returns this year I may be able to pay it off.
Give advice and please pray for me. I feel so lost and only want death at this point. However I refuse to take that option.

Great that is the first step so continue to refusing that option. Secondly get rid of the inappropriate content, it will worp your mind and causes you to consume it like opioids. Third get back to the Bible and read why women have sex with other women, as well as men do with other men. Search the scriptures daily and leave the garbage behind. I know from experience what you are saying and was able to overcome through Christ.

 

[ArmyMatt]

I can't add to what the ladies have said, aside to offer prayers!

 

[☦Marius☦]

I have been struggling with my faith since I was very young. I don't understand why it is so hard for me. It seems like I have active resistance at every turn. I know it's spiritual warfare combined with an already fragile mental health- but I don't understand why I have to suffer this way. Some days my depression is so bad I physically hurt or lack the will to move much. Yet I with full time which only increases the issue.

Also don't monasteries usually cater to the spiritually weak? I heard a monk say that most monastics became so because they couldn't face the world beforehand

 

[prodromos]

You won't be able to have a healthy relationship with a woman as long as you have an addiction to inappropriate content, and you won't be able to have a healthy relationship with God as long as you entertain an interest in the occult. You need to have a long open and honest chat with your priest so he can prescribe a program of spiritual exercise to help you overcome these temptations. I recommend you start reading lives of the saints as it will cultivate a love for them as you identify with the struggles they had, and through them you will cultivate a love for God. The more you love God, the more you will naturally want to please Him. Those other temptations will likely just fade away (although they will also return from time to time as God allows you to struggle so you can be loosed from pride and grow stronger).
Ask the prayers of St Mary of Egypt. Seek the prayers of Saints Cyprian and Justina also.

 

[☦Marius☦]

Not to bash my parish priests or anything, but I have come to them before and their attitudes are pretty much that I need to worry less and fast more. Neither of which are going to completely solve a 12 year plus addiction. My one priest even told me to just cut down on the amount of inappropriate content I watch, which I actually find slightly offensive. Like if I am coming off a cocaine addiction I can't just have "a little bit" and expect success.

 

[☦Marius☦]

Ask the prayers of St Mary of Egypt.

My name is Marius for a reason

 

[he-man]

I can't add to what the ladies have said, aside to offer prayers!

Read Romans 1:23-25

 

[ArmyMatt]

Read Romans 1:23-25

and?

 

[he-man]

and?

don't do it

 

[☦Marius☦]

don't do it

If it was that easy I would have by now. You have no idea some of the extreme measures I've taken in the past. Only to still fail.

 

[ArmyMatt]

don't do it

yeah...and?

 

[Dalibor]

I would suggest reading visions of hell from saints and laypeople. One of the best cures for carnal passions is a fear of hell.

 

[Lily of Valleys]

Hello brothers and sisters,

I have not posted on TAW much since my Christening, and I am going to explain why and ask for advice, because I truly don't know where to go from here. As some of you might remember I posted awhile back that I work with a Gnostic. Now he and I have had many conversations and I have been pulled further and further into occult practice since my Christening, with the ink on my certificate barely dry. I don't know why once I was orthodox suddenly I stopped caring, maybe I was expecting too much from my first communion, maybe because I have mental disorders. However I have been on a constant downward spiral since.

What started out as a renewed interest in the occult grew into every other category of sin I am weak it. I started questioning everything I profess to believe, the existence of God as we believe, the historical foundation of the gospels, and trying to connect dots between different religions and cults.

I delved back hard into inappropriate content and have been struggling more and more with attraction towards men. Something I never in my life had until the last few years. I also have been struggling with my gender identity. I will have days where my brain constantly makes me consider whether I should be a woman or not, until I can get it focused on something else.

I've had sex with multiple women during this period, feeling sick afterwards. Most of this past month has been filled with uncontrollable suicidal thoughts which make me tired and weak.

I am so tired of living this life friends. I have been suffering mentally since I was a teen, and I don't see any sign of it stopping. Since I got kicked out of the military a few years ago for a suicide attempt its only been getting worse and worse.

The only way I am ever happy now is with a buzz, and I spend most of my time trying to forget I exist by distracting myself with videogames and inappropriate content. Sometimes the inappropriate content borders or crosses into the illegal as well.

I have thought of going to monasteries but have been obsessed all my life with finding the perfect relationship. I fear celibacy will hurt more than what I am going through now. I also have a debt that has kept me up to this point from going, but with tax returns this year I may be able to pay it off.

Give advice and please pray for me. I feel so lost and only want death at this point. However I refuse to take that option.

Please do not give in. Despair and suicide are the tactics of Satan. From your descriptions, it seems like you are undergoing attacks by demons. You will need to first cut off all your connections with the occult, the Gnostic, inappropriate content, sex and fully surrender yourself to God, sincerely confess and renounce each one of your sins before God, break the legal rights of the demons and command the demons to leave you. The following article provides details on the how:

Prayer to Break Legal Rights of Demons

Hang in there. I will remember you in my prayers.

 

[prodromos]

Despair is an easy trap to fall into, especially when we constantly fail, which is probably why your priest has told you not to worry too much and try to fast more. Fasting will indirectly help break any hold demons may have over you. If you are able to get one of the books about St Porphyrios I would highly recommend it. He speaks a lot about not focusing on our failings but always being thankful to God.
Does anyone remember the story of two monks who both spent the same period in solitude as penance for something they had done, and at the end of the period one monk came out refreshed and at peace while the other came out haggard and downcast due to their different approaches. The elders rules that both approaches were beneficial.

 

[Boris89]

Marius,

as for the inappropriate contentography addiction, I believe I can be of some help with my personal experience. Now, my addiction was with a different carnal sin, but the same rules still apply.

I was a ravenous glutton and by gluttony I mean extreme binge eating every day. I started by doing the following: as soon as I felt the urge, I forced myself to go outside and just walk around the neighbourhood for 30-40 minutes. I did so in the course of a few weeks. (This is not a joke. At first even I considered it to be too "unspiritual" and just "resisted" by reading akathists and then return to the couch. And then the kitchen...) Of course, after coming home, I often binged again, but it was not as often as doing it every single day. It all ended in one evening, when I was out on a "forced march" again and was nearing home. Something heavy and invisible just separated from the area of my back (I had never felt or noticed it before.). After this occasion, everything calmed down and eventually it all subsided. Of course, I prayed every day. This is a must.

My point is, don't underestimate the physical aspect of resisting these urges (in your case - inappropriate contentography). Go out walking, jogging or just do some toilsome physical activity. God will help you, but the grace will come only after YOU show the will to overcome the passion. Do not despair if you fail after 4-6-8-10 times or more. Just keep doing your thing and give constant and regular resistance in the physical manner described above. It takes time, persistence and patience. In time, the devil's influence will start to weaken. In a few weeks you'll notice that your sin's "gross total" will have decreased from 100% to, let's say, 80%. This is just an estimate, it all depends on your individual spiritual state.

Some of my expressions in this post might sound strange, but I was just aiming to be as simple and clear as possible. Prayer is a huge part in the struggle against addiction, but physical resistance to carnal sin in the manner described above is also a large part in the equation.

Take care.

 

[~Anastasia~]

Marius,

as for the inappropriate contentography addiction, I believe I can be of some help with my personal experience. Now, my addiction was with a different carnal sin, but the same rules still apply.

I was a ravenous glutton and by gluttony I mean extreme binge eating every day. I started by doing the following: as soon as I felt the urge, I forced myself to go outside and just walk around the neighbourhood for 30-40 minutes. I did so in the course of a few weeks. (This is not a joke. At first even I considered it to be too "unspiritual" and just "resisted" by reading akathists and then return to the couch. And then the kitchen...) Of course, after coming home, I often binged again, but it was not as often as doing it every single day. It all ended in one evening, when I was out on a "forced march" again and was nearing home. Something heavy and invisible just separated from the area of my back (I had never felt or noticed it before.). After this occasion, everything calmed down and eventually it all subsided. Of course, I prayed every day. This is a must.

My point is, don't underestimate the physical aspect of resisting these urges (in your case - inappropriate contentography). Go out walking, jogging or just do some toilsome physical activity. God will help you, but the grace will come only after YOU show the will to overcome the passion. Do not despair if you fail after 4-6-8-10 times or more. Just keep doing your thing and give constant and regular resistance in the physical manner described above. It takes time, persistence and patience. In time, the devil's influence will start to weaken. In a few weeks you'll notice that your sin's "gross total" will have decreased from 100% to, let's say, 80%. This is just an estimate, it all depends on your individual spiritual state.

Some of my expressions in this post might sound strange, but I was just aiming to be as simple and clear as possible. Prayer is a huge part in the struggle against addiction, but physical resistance to carnal sin in the manner described above is also a large part in the equation.

Take care.

This is actually very good advice. I was going to post earlier and tell the OP - not to underestimate the value of fasting, for example. If the struggle is difficult, in his position, I would BOTH fast at times (probably part of every day) and also do what you suggest here by adding some physical exertion. Maybe that's one reason they suggest prostrations in some situations as well?

But my point was the same as yours - not to underestimate the value of using the body in order to fight temptations of the body. It makes sense, really, doesn't it? Though before I was usually told just "read Scripture". But there is a reason Orthodoxy teaches with such wisdom.

And as you say, prayer is a must. Having a prayer rule given to you would be ideal, and hopefully it can include Jesus Prayers, especially when the battle gets fierce.

Not to bash my parish priests or anything, but I have come to them before and their attitudes are pretty much that I need to worry less and fast more. Neither of which are going to completely solve a 12 year plus addiction. My one priest even told me to just cut down on the amount of inappropriate content I watch, which I actually find slightly offensive. Like if I am coming off a cocaine addiction I can't just have "a little bit" and expect success.

And there is also a reason this can happen right after being received into the Church, just as it nearly always happens as people prepare to be received. The enemy resists harder and attacks more. But I think delving into occult things has possibly allowed it to become much worse.

You might ask your priest for specific guidelines on "fasting more" and perhaps on prayer. And don't underestimate what he says. Even if you don't like the sound of it - do it. To think his advice isn't "good enough" is starting to open up pride into the mix, and that could be a final straw if it gets you to the point where you won't or can't accept help. And even if you don't get answers on this - go to Confession anyway. It's a Sacrament, so carries the grace of God. If you are able, receive the Eucharist, as often as you can.

And it might be a good idea to contact a monastery. Let them know how hard you've been struggling and that you'd like help. In this way you might be sure to find one able to help you but - monks having certain common struggles, I'd be willing to think any monastery could help.

Prayers for you!

 

[~Anastasia~]

Oh, in regards to the advice of "trying to cut down" ... I understand why it sounds bad. But consider this (though I think it might be better to say that ... during the struggle, expect to still fall yet strive to cooperate with the grace of God so that you manage to sin less and less - God rarely removes a struggle from us but usually allows us to engage ourselves, with His help, so that's what it often looks like.

I wanted to share this though ...

Elder Paisios and the Alcoholic Monk


Once on Mount Athos there was a monk who lived in Karyes. He drank and got drunk every day and was the cause of scandal to the pilgrims. Eventually he died and this relieved some of the faithful who went on to tell Elder Paisios that they were delighted that this huge problem was finally solved.

Father Paisios answered them that he knew about the death of the monk, after seeing the entire battalion of angels who came to collect his soul. The pilgrims were amazed and some protested and tried to explain to the Elder of whom they were talking about, thinking that the Elder did not understand.

Elder Paisios explained to them: "This particular monk was born in Asia Minor, shortly before the destruction by the Turks when they gathered all the boys. So as not to take him from their parents, they would take him with them to the reaping, and so he wouldn't cry, they just put raki* into his milk in order for him to sleep. Therefore he grew up as an alcoholic. There he found an elder and said to him that he was an alcoholic. The elder told him to do prostrations and prayers every night and beg the Panagia to help him to reduce by one the glasses he drank.

After a year he managed with struggle and repentance to make the 20 glasses he drank into 19 glasses. The struggle continued over the years and he reached 2-3 glasses, with which he would still get drunk."

The world for years saw an alcoholic monk who scandalized the pilgrims, but God saw a fighter who fought a long struggle to reduce his passion.

Without knowing what each one is trying to do what he wants to do, what right do we have to judge his effort?

* Raki is a Turkish unsweetened, anise-flavored hard alcoholic drink that is popular in Turkey, Greece, Albania, Serbia, and other Balkan countries as an apéritif.

Source: Translated by John Sanidopoulos.