This is going to sound crazy, but I think I am half virgin?

[Gottservant]

So yes,

The Lord Jesus talks of a man being beset by robbers and being left "half dead". This evidences that things like death, have a "half-state". I would take that a step further and say that Virginity is like Death - certainly it is a death to the self, if nothing else?

Right so, I had a relationship with someone who was insistent (I don't really think gender needs to play a part here, before or after) and eventually they got the better of me, but for this: I never actually liked them, with a whole heart. Don't get me wrong, I was ready to, I really really wanted to: they just left me half way through, because they'd had enough.

So what they left me with, was half my virginity? Since then I have had a long and tiresome struggle with my desire, constantly becoming aroused moment after moment, because I don't know what else to do but purge my frustration in the manner that was lawful (not with lust, but with restraint). The half of my virginity that was used (raped?), constantly arouses the part of me that was only ever waiting for the rest of the relationship.

So I am half virgin, half angel. I suppose. It's hard not to laugh, really.

You might want to tell me, something you've been through: I guess that's why I have put this up here.

 

[anna ~ grace]

I think you are struggling emotionally and spiritually after being used, and doing something that you didn't fully want to do, but did anyway.

This can be difficult. There are things I wish I could undo. Your contrition and desire to struggle against future sin is good, though.

Ask God for help, forgiveness, grace, strength, a firm resolve against future sin, and help being strong against impurity, or lust. God loves you, friend. And Christ died for you, and with His help, we have been, are being, and shall be saved.

 

[Gottservant]

Your post really warmed my heart, thankyou.

 

[anna ~ grace]

Your post really warmed my heart, thankyou.

You're welcome, Gottservant. Don't give up! God loves you very much. Don't forget that.

 

[Gottservant]

I sort of came to the conclusion, that it is better to dwell on how much a virgin you still were - than on how much of a virgin you could have been.

I get a lot of peace from that thought.

Thanks again, for sharing the burden - society leaves people like me, out in the cold.

 

[1watchman]

I think you are struggling emotionally and spiritually after being used, and doing something that you didn't fully want to do, but did anyway.

This can be difficult. There are things I wish I could undo. Your contrition and desire to struggle against future sin is good, though.

Ask God for help, forgiveness, grace, strength, a firm resolve against future sin, and help being strong against impurity, or lust. God loves you, friend. And Christ died for you, and with His help, we have been, are being, and shall be saved.

Yes, there are ALWAYS things we wish we could undo, yet we cannot. What we can do, as you implied, is "have a little talk with Jesus bye and bye" as an old song writer said. He well understands our frailty and looks on the heart. We just need to be honest, and IF we are committed to living for the Lord and honoring Him, we will confess ALL to Him daily and work to "bring into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ", as God tells us (2 Cor.10:5) ---would you say? That IS a fulltime job as we dwell here in this fallen world.

 

[Gottservant]

I think what I want to do, is be celibate - post relationship, but married.

It's a bit weird, thinking that half a relationship could be enough - but on the other hand, I never really wanted a serious relationship (I basically took pity on whom I now call the wife of my youth - "do not deal treacherously with the wife of your youth" OT).

There are too many people in the world as it is, that is what I fall back on. I think the Lord has blessed me, I just haven't run it past my wife to be. This problematic in its own right, in that I should have put her first - but I am not asking for her to "please see it my way" I am agreeing with the Lord that that is what is best.

I don't know how you will comment on this, I guess I am looking for someone to say "that is weird" or "pray more" or something.

Thanks.

 

[NeverL0ved]

So yes,

The Lord Jesus talks of a man being beset by robbers and being left "half dead". This evidences that things like death, have a "half-state". I would take that a step further and say that Virginity is like Death - certainly it is a death to the self, if nothing else?

Right so, I had a relationship with someone who was insistent (I don't really think gender needs to play a part here, before or after) and eventually they got the better of me, but for this: I never actually liked them, with a whole heart. Don't get me wrong, I was ready to, I really really wanted to: they just left me half way through, because they'd had enough.

So what they left me with, was half my virginity? Since then I have had a long and tiresome struggle with my desire, constantly becoming aroused moment after moment, because I don't know what else to do but purge my frustration in the manner that was lawful (not with lust, but with restraint). The half of my virginity that was used (raped?), constantly arouses the part of me that was only ever waiting for the rest of the relationship.

So I am half virgin, half angel. I suppose. It's hard not to laugh, really.

You might want to tell me, something you've been through: I guess that's why I have put this up here.

This is amazing, I have the exact same issue with a person who leaves me half way too I am stuck with an obsessive person who won't let me eat a chocolate bar in peace!

(Because this particular person is living vicariously through every thing I do)

 

[Gottservant]

Yes, I suppose the flipside is that at least we don't have half a relationship that God cannot do anything about - that would be terrible: not being able to do anything about it.

 

[Gottservant]

I read through this again; it is encouraging that you see a point.

The problem for me, is that the Devil tries to manipulate the relationship - until he realises, that I am not doing anything wrong, I just can't stop.

For me, this is worse, since I am already caught up in desire and don't want the Devil to make it worse.

At some point, I need to point to the cross - can you point to "half the cross"? Actually I gave it a try, just now and it seems to have helped.

If you are going to take anything from this: take how important it is that you do not squander your relationships (the relationships in your life!).

 

[Gottservant]

I have started to realise: it is up to me, how much I want to remember the relationship.

On the other hand: if I want to remember the relationship: I have to resist the Devil.

This is confusing: since I would not have the relationship if it was all about the Devil, but evidentially the person who has the other half of my virginity doesn't know to resist the Devil themself.

You know the "I'm always the one carrying the bag" sort of thing? Maybe every couple is like that; I'm just thinking about it because the Devil convinces me I've got no choice!

Virgins have a choice!

 

[Gottservant]

I think what it is, is that I have to settle - now that I have experienced a physical relationship with someone, I have to settle. It may seem cheap to you, but I cannot honestly hold out for a relationship that is never going to happen. What virginity I have left, is basically less desireable than the virginity I had, but still more desireable than having "none". I mean I am not pushing myself on anyone, I am just as I said (settled) - what God may condemn come, I can't do anything else!

Imagine a street bum, that has abandoned his life of wealth and property - that's me, spiritually!

I don't condemn anyone, my past is my past. I just mean somehow God has to get glory, if only for all those children that are there in Heaven, because of me.

 

[Gottservant]

What is really annoying, is that I could be virgin-like quite happily, but the Devil keeps getting in my ear, saying "no your wife is going to want you".

And when the Devil says that, I am like "what other way is there?" because I honestly don't know...

What I find is, is that sometimes the Devil suggests things designed to make the gospel appeal to more people, than if a disciple just refused to corrupt his testimony further. For example, the Bible says "do not defraud your spouse"; does the Devil accuse you of defrauding your spouse, or does he simply want it to look like he defrauded your spouse and wants to cover it up?

So yes, you can see I am confused - this past relationship I had (not with my wife) basically put a hole in my head, such that I really have to work at justifying God in me, whereas before it came quite naturally; so now my words sort of run into each other, when I am trying to make a (progressive) point and it leaves me wondering where I need to go next.

I'm not sure, if you can help - maybe tell me about relationships that didn't work out, for you?

 

[Gottservant]

I think what it is, is that my virginity drags me "back and with" into a relationship with God, after which I may be tempted by the Devil, to cement my relationship with God "carnally".

The hole in my head, tells me, that (carnally) is the only way.

On the other hand, if I was married and we could have union, the hole in my head would be solved?

The trouble is I don't want to be even the slightest burden to my wife, I don't know how union with someone mostly corrupted by past relationships would not be that kind of burden - I know I am guessing and I am telling you "maybe nothing can be done about the hole in my head" but on the other hand the Bible says "don't deal treacherously with the wife of your youth", when in fact I feel like my past partner would "want" me to have union with my wife, the way King David wanted Uriah to, to cover up his guilt?

A wicked and adulterous generation seeks after a sign, and while union with your wife would not be a sign of anything to the world, to me it would be?

So yeah, you can see I am stuck - I don't want to bring a curse on anyone, but if you are stuck partway between relationships (as you are when you are hanging on a tree, which is cursed) then you are cursed, so that there is one partially defined way - which is give in? - in which you can proceed? And how exactly do you do that (until you are actually married)? Or is it really "not up to you (but your wife)"?

Actually I think that helps: I have been ignoring that my wife will keep siding with me on this and I get confused because the past relationships I have had have all been about the other partner.

Thanks for listening guys, I hope we are together on this last point, about my wife being on my side - cheers to your comments, anyway!

 

[1watchman]

I read through this again; it is encouraging that you see a point.

The problem for me, is that the Devil tries to manipulate the relationship - until he realises, that I am not doing anything wrong, I just can't stop.

For me, this is worse, since I am already caught up in desire and don't want the Devil to make it worse.

At some point, I need to point to the cross - can you point to "half the cross"? Actually I gave it a try, just now and it seems to have helped.

If you are going to take anything from this: take how important it is that you do not squander your relationships (the relationships in your life!).

Friend, the Christian life is not about 'half the cross', but walking and talking with the Lord Jesus all day, to keep one in communion . A "born again" saint is a "child of God" forever, but we miss much blessing when we resort to the flesh. Take everything to our Savior and make Him your best Friend, and He will see that you are strengthened to meet challenges.

 

[Unqualified]

I think you should marry a Christian girl. The Bible says we should be married so as not to burn with lust. You are a treasure to someone as half a Virgin if you are all repented up and bearing fruit to it. And pure until marriage. If you are married to a woman, do you want to consummate or get an annulment? Friends don’t have sex together. Maybe you want a room mate.

 

[Gottservant]

My latest update, is that I am happy seeing myself as a half-virgin or alternatively, a progressive man.

I mean progressive in the sense that I am no longer childish, about what a childish thing is.

It is some comfort to know that I therefore have a voice, one way or the other (which I guess a desire that I have developed for 'relationship', not the flesh).

In my defence I am still faithful with lovers I have had in the past, in the measure that they have had with me (I did not seek them, but they sought me - but I am happy with that).

It was finding happiness in discontinued relationships, that I struggled with the most.