This is a controversial topic I know but I need advice.

[Neostarwcc]

This is a highly controversial topic but I've been a huge hypocrite. I claim to love God, I call Christ Lord yet, I don't do what God says in his word something many of us are guilty of. I feel so rotten that I just want to get on my hands and knees and beg God for forgiveness. My wife doesn't serve or help me, Instead it's the exact opposite in our marriage, I serve HER. I'm submissive to her and quite frankly I'm terrified of her. The house remains unclean for the last eight + years, dishes are done almost never, the laundry isn't done, she doesn't grow spiritually,, I'm just a failure to my wife.

And yet I do everything for her that's within my power. I ensure she has things to eat, clothes to wear, that our dog is fed, that we have a placed to eat, that she's as happy as possible and has access to credit when she needs it. I'm blinded I think I'm doing my role while she is not.

But as to directing her in her religious life? Nope. As to getting her to do her womanly duties? Nope. She does absolutely nothing but scroll Facebook all day, we don't even play video games together anymore or really, spend any time together physically or not. I realize this is all my fault and miss doing but I buy into what our culture says about women and not what God does.

I'm massively afraid of her and afraid of controlling behavior so much that I say nothing and she never prays or goes to church, or reads the Bible or does none of her chores.

I asked my elder what to do because I'm afraid our marriage is falling apart and all he could say was "I don't see your everyday marriage life so all I can suggest is to pray." I have. A billion times and I'm not improving. I just don't know what to do.

 

[anna ~ grace]

This is not your fault. Your wife sounds depressed, isolated, and standoff-ish. Could you guys get out of the house together occasionally? Go for a walk or a car ride together? Go to DQ? Do some meaningful, fun, cheap couples stuff?

 

[SabbathBlessings]

This is a highly controversial topic but I've been a huge hypocrite. I claim to love God, I call Christ Lord yet, I don't do what God says in his word something many of us are guilty of. I feel so rotten that I just want to get on my hands and knees and beg God for forgiveness. My wife doesn't serve or help me, Instead it's the exact opposite in our marriage, I serve HER. I'm submissive to her and quite frankly I'm terrified of her. The house remains unclean for the last eight + years, dishes are done almost never, the laundry isn't done, she doesn't grow spiritually,, I'm just a failure to my wife.

And yet I do everything for her that's within my power. I ensure she has things to eat, clothes to wear, that our dog is fed, that we have a placed to eat, that she's as happy as possible and has access to credit when she needs it. I'm blinded I think I'm doing my role while she is not.

But as to directing her in her religious life? Nope. As to getting her to do her womanly duties? Nope. She does absolutely nothing but scroll Facebook all day, we don't even play video games together anymore or really, spend any time together physically or not. I realize this is all my fault and miss doing but I buy into what our culture says about women and not what God does.

I'm massively afraid of her and afraid of controlling behavior so much that I say nothing and she never prays or goes to church, or reads the Bible or does none of her chores.

I asked my elder what to do because I'm afraid our marriage is falling apart and all he could say was "I don't see your everyday marriage life so all I can suggest is to pray." I have. A billion times and I'm not improving. I just don't know what to do.

It sounds like you have done everything but talk to her and tell her exactly what you said here. You cannot be afraid to speak to your wife. Not talking about what matters does not make it go away or help make improvements. Even if discussing this with her causes a huge argument there could be a chance for some changes. Not talking about it there is zero chance for changes. To me it sounds like a breakdown in communication and I bet your wife would respect you more if you come clean about your feelings. I would kindly ask her to meet for a discussion and gently discuss these things. Allow her to express what she is feeling and see if you can come to some type of an agreement and/or compromise. After the talk lead by example and show her by your actions what you want to get back from her. People need boundaries and without them there is no respect.

God answers prayers, but He also wants us to do our part. God bless

 

[Sabertooth]

@Neostarwcc, are you

1. being treated for your Bipolar Disorder?
2. going to a church that is good at dealing with mental illnesses??

I suspect the missus is stepping up where you have been sidelined.
Whether it is ideal or not is really irrelevant.
It is necessary until you can step into your husbandly responsibilities.

Even after that, she will have strengths that complement yours.

 

[RaymondG]

You might have to get mentally divorced. Become roommates with no expectations of each other. Forget what you believe the bible says she should do or how she behave. Dont expect her to clean or wash your clothes for you, or sleep with you. As a roommate, these are no longer obligations, and you can learn to create your own happiness, instead of having it be dictated by the actions of another.

The end result should be that you no longer feel slighted.....and she will notice a change as well. If she desires to stay with you, she will wonder what happened and do things to get you to view her as more than a roommate again. At this point, you will state the terms of mental remarriage.

Also, I would focus on getting yourself right with God, before trying to pressure your wife into doing so. Hypocrites are not the best suited to lead others to the Lord.

 

[mama2one]

Instead it's the exact opposite in our marriage, I serve HER.
And yet I do everything for her that's within my power.

@Neostarwcc
from reading your posts in the past, I have the opposite impression of your marriage

 

[Handmaid for Jesus]

This sounds rather one sided to me.So you all have seemingly grown apart. I agree that that communication is the answer.You don't have to be afraid of your wife. Just, first of all, own your part in this mental separation. You make it seem like she is the one to blame. But I have found that it takes two. I have a question. Does either of you have a wandering eye? Do you want to save your marriage? I know that is two questions. But ask the questions of yourself. You all need to talk about it. What are your goals for your future? After talking together, work on cleaning up the house together. The more you do together, the more affection will return. Take your time, do it right.

 

[spiritfilledjm]

This is a highly controversial topic but I've been a huge hypocrite. I claim to love God, I call Christ Lord yet, I don't do what God says in his word something many of us are guilty of. I feel so rotten that I just want to get on my hands and knees and beg God for forgiveness. My wife doesn't serve or help me, Instead it's the exact opposite in our marriage, I serve HER. I'm submissive to her and quite frankly I'm terrified of her. The house remains unclean for the last eight + years, dishes are done almost never, the laundry isn't done, she doesn't grow spiritually,, I'm just a failure to my wife.

And yet I do everything for her that's within my power. I ensure she has things to eat, clothes to wear, that our dog is fed, that we have a placed to eat, that she's as happy as possible and has access to credit when she needs it. I'm blinded I think I'm doing my role while she is not.

But as to directing her in her religious life? Nope. As to getting her to do her womanly duties? Nope. She does absolutely nothing but scroll Facebook all day, we don't even play video games together anymore or really, spend any time together physically or not. I realize this is all my fault and miss doing but I buy into what our culture says about women and not what God does.

I'm massively afraid of her and afraid of controlling behavior so much that I say nothing and she never prays or goes to church, or reads the Bible or does none of her chores.

I asked my elder what to do because I'm afraid our marriage is falling apart and all he could say was "I don't see your everyday marriage life so all I can suggest is to pray." I have. A billion times and I'm not improving. I just don't know what to do.

If you're the same guy I'm thinking of, I believe I suggested separation in your case. Not divorce, as I do not believe in it will never make that suggestion (though I am tempted here lol), just a time apart. Of course counselling, both spiritual and medical, is also a suggestion. Ultimately, I am praying hard for you bro. I've been there and it's no fun.

 

[Albion]

"Neo," you've received so much advice from people who wish you well that I should probably not add anything, BUT after reading all of those posts it seems like the one most certain thing is that professional counseling would probably be helpful to both of you.

I do not mean talking to an elder or a pastor and putting the emphasis upon Biblical references. This is a matter of human feelings and how two people can and ought to relate to each other. That said, there are pastors who are also trained in psychology and counseling and who do family counseling all the time; they might be willing to help you without charge.

 

[Sophrosyne]

Marriage counseling is my advice. I've found from experience talking to one person in a marriage often doesn't get to the bottom of things as you will often get the bad things their spouse does but not the bad things that they do which can be substantial and often lead to the behavior that comes from their spouse.
I've also found that people don't change easily and the longer they are allowed to continue in a behavior the harder it is for them to stop that behavior and replace it with good behavior.
Most marriages that work well have one person taking the lead or both sharing the lead and the wrong person leading can get lost in their world. If you have people in marriage that are manipulating and mentally abusive these types of behavior can be almost impossible to deal with without literally going to war with that person. I've dealt with manipulators and found the best solution is to not deal with them at all as you will always have to be on your guard with them and literally be mean and nasty to them when they decide they want something from you they will hound and harass you to get their way and either you live in fear of them or get very bitter to the point of almost going mental from the stress.

It is quite possible that things aren't going to change easily, you may have to go to war with your wife and risk losing everything to change things because you have allowed it to progress to this point.

I agree with Albion 100% make sure and find someone that is a counselor that has training in counseling on a secular basis, if they are a pastor that is nice but often spouting the Bible won't change things one has to get to the bottom of bad behavior first and find the sin/evil or whatever is causing the trouble and address it and saying pray and study the Bible isn't going to get things cleaned up. If you can get her to counseling it still could be impossible to change things especially if she is manipulative as I've seen marriage counseling where one spouse did what they were told and the other didn't do similar they just made a token effort. One can tell by the effort given by people who are being counseled as to how serious they take things and in that you will see if that seriousness would inspire change that can be permanent or just temporary. People have to want to change else and if they need to be overly encouraged when that encouragement vanishes so may the change.

 

[bèlla]

Does your wife suffer from mental illness? If so, was that the case when you married or did it happen later?

~bella

 

[Neostarwcc]

Does your wife suffer from mental illness? If so, was that the case when you married or did it happen later?

~bella

I highly suspect she is Bipolar or schizophrenic like me as whenever I have swings and episodes she seems to sync right along with me. That and almost every member of her mothers family including her mother is Bipolar. I've been trying to ask her to see my Psychiatrist for years but she says she doesn't want to bother him (he's very, very busy my appointments are generally 5-10 minutes.) if nothing is wrong with her. Doesn't matter how many times I tell her "that's his job and if there is something wrong with you he can help you". Her answer is always no and she makes me feel super bad for asking.

She tried antidepressants prescribed by our GP once but they apparently made her heart race and she stopped taking them without his permission and that was the end of that.

If she does have something wrong though she was born with it like I was. She's always been this way apparently.

Other than having potential mental issues though she's healthy. Doesn't need meds for anything.

 

[Neostarwcc]

"Neo," you've received so much advice from people who wish you well that I should probably not add anything, BUT after reading all of those posts it seems like the one most certain thing is that professional counseling would probably be helpful to both of you.

I do not mean talking to an elder or a pastor and putting the emphasis upon Biblical references. This is a matter of human feelings and how two people can and ought to relate to each other. That said, there are pastors who are also trained in psychology and counseling and who do family counseling all the time; they might be willing to help you without charge.

I know I should be seeing a therapist. A lot of the times I end up in a psychiatric hospital they womder why I'm not seeing one.

I've experimented with many masters degree therapists in my life. Many of them don't understand me and want to fix my depression with these buddhist techniques that just plain don't work on me. Then they say that's impossible because mindfulness or X technique works on everyone and I'm like "Good to know I'm so freakishly abnormal that nothing works on me because I'm telling you it doesn't work and I need some other kind of therapy." and I stop seeing that counselor.

I'm willing to give marriage counseling in a church a try. We have a lot of churches in our town probably one offers counseling.

 

[Neostarwcc]

If you're the same guy I'm thinking of, I believe I suggested separation in your case. Not divorce, as I do not believe in it will never make that suggestion (though I am tempted here lol), just a time apart. Of course counselling, both spiritual and medical, is also a suggestion. Ultimately, I am praying hard for you bro. I've been there and it's no fun.[/QUOTE

I'm the same guy. I expected time apart to be great but so far she hasn't been able to find employment and she just insists on being around all the time.

I normally don't mind it because I love being around her but she drives me bat crazy.

 

[bèlla]

I highly suspect she is Bipolar or schizophrenic like me as whenever I have swings and episodes she seems to sync right along with me.

Is that typical? Was that always the case?

It could be reactance too. Your action creates a reaction. It's a defense mechanism. When you had your recent episode with spending was she unwell concurrently?

That and almost every member of her mothers family including her mother is Bipolar. I've been trying to ask her to see my Psychiatrist for years but she says she doesn't want to bother him (he's very, very busy my appointments are generally 5-10 minutes.) if nothing is wrong with her.

Maybe she would feel better speaking to someone else. The suggestions for counseling may bring it out.

~bella

 

[Neostarwcc]

@Neostarwcc
from reading your posts in the past, I have the opposite impression of your marriage

1) you're on disability but posted your wife can't get a job & leave you alone because you need her

2) posted she hits you but another post says you told her to hit you with her purse

3) when she left with car, you were very worried

4) posted you love your wife & wish things were like they were when first married

5) due to your spending, you're both on the verge of bankruptcy

6) posts about not ever brushing your teeth

maybe each of you could honestly look at yourselves & try to each make improvements
then regroup a week or two later to see how you each do?

if you each separately make improvements, maybe you'll feel better about yourselves & also view each other in a new light

no one can change another person but we can make changes in ourselves
ask for God's help to make changes & then do it

All is true except for the purse part. I never said I told her to hit me with it and we were dating at the time and not married. She hit me with it because she was angry with me. I wasn't medicated at the time and turned the power off on her because she was playing the Sims instead of paying attention to me. So while it was my fault it happened, I never asked her to hit me with it. I also called the cops on her that day as I recall.

Our dating life was worse than our marriage, I wanted life to be like when we were first married because when we were first married I had my huge episode that year and had to go away for a week. When I came back our marriage was like... perfect. Wanted that back and to repropose to her sometimes.

Since when I did propose to her, it was over Skype. And it was after we were dating four months. Thought she deserved more than a Skype proposal and wanted to do it over again.

 

[mama2one]

"So yesterday night I found out that food stamps is going to force my wife to work because she's not disabled like I am. Lets forget our "archaic" Reformed beliefs and how she would rather not work to obey God than to work and displease God.. What I'm ailed about is, I can't be left alone because of my disability (I'm schizophrenic and Bipolar) the last time my wife tried working I completely lost it and she had to quit her job.

But apparently "my wife takes care of me" is not a valid defense with them."


do you really your wife to get a job?

I'm wondering if you do because from above post of yours, it seems you need/want her to stay home to care for you.

agree with others, it might be necessary to have counseling from an impartial person outside the family

if wife gets a job, you can hire someone to take care of you

 

[spiritfilledjm]

Bro, that's just married life in general! It's not marriage if you're not driving each other crazy....just need to be able to laugh about it afterward.

You have to set boundaries though. Like, if you guys are separated, she shouldn't really come around unless she absolutely has to or for counseling purposes and then you two should meet at the church or counseling office.

 

[Neostarwcc]

Is that typical? Was that always the case?

It could be reactance too. Your action creates a reaction. It's a defense mechanism. When you had your recent episode with spending was she unwell concurrently?



Maybe she would feel better speaking to someone else. The suggestions for counseling may bring it out.

~bella

She tells me she's always been this way since she was little.

Yes, we're both still ongoing hence the posts. I post here every episode because I have nothing else better to do.

Like for example we have to do an inventory for our Lawyer so we can go forward with the bankruptcy. She completely freaked out at me this morning and lying insisting that she suggested doing it the day after. I've been suggesting it for over a week now and she apparently doesn't remember. It needs an effort from both of us because I know what things are worth and she knows what to declare. But we didn't get started till after our argument this morning.

 

[Neostarwcc]

"So yesterday night I found out that food stamps is going to force my wife to work because she's not disabled like I am. Lets forget our "archaic" Reformed beliefs and how she would rather not work to obey God than to work and displease God.. What I'm ailed about is, I can't be left alone because of my disability (I'm schizophrenic and Bipolar) the last time my wife tried working I completely lost it and she had to quit her job.

But apparently "my wife takes care of me" is not a valid defense with them."


do you really your wife to get a job?

I'm wondering if you do because from above post of yours, it seems you need/want her to stay home to care for you.

agree with others, it might be necessary to have counseling from an impartial person outside the family

if wife gets a job, you can hire someone to take care of you

That's correct I don't want her to work and my opinion hasnt changed but, I don't really have a say in that now do i?