This hurts

[Alenci]

I don't know what it is about guys and faking friendship. But it really hurts. And I wish they would stop.

The last guy I had a crush on apparently also had a crush on me. And we both got over it after a while. But we used to IM each other often, and though I still tried to IM him for a while (just out of friendship, because I was completely over the crush), he never really responded in the same way as he used to respond when he had a crush on me. In fact, when I stopped trying to IM him regularly, he stopped IMing me entirely. No real friendship on his part.

After that came my former boyfriend. We had a great friendship, at least for nine months or so. Then over the summer he wanted to spend less and less time with me (I dismissed it then because his dad was recovering and home from work and he had responsibilities when he came home on the weekends). Then he suddenly dumped me, and it appears he is most likely not going to talk to me at all for the remaining month of summer. I thought he had relegated me to the sidelines so he could date other girls. But not talking to me for a month is completely cutting me out of his life. I can tell just how much he "really values my friendship."



Men, please stop doing this. It is SO hurtful. If you are going to be friends with a girl, please be sure that you actually care about her, and you aren't just trying to get a date. That is so cheap. That is so disrespectful. That is so sick.

 

[Alenci]

I try to keep in touch with my closest friends by calling them at least once every few weeks and IMing them at least once a week and reading their blogs. When they're around, I try to hang out with them. Alright, sure, I'm not expecting anyone to jump at an opportunity to hang out with his or her recently dumped ex, but something more than forwarding the occasional chain letter might be thoughtful. As in, "Hi! How are you? Are you still alive?"

 

[FriarTuck]

I'm very sorry, I can't tell you how they feel or why they do that. For me it can be difficult to be friends with a girl. There's always difficult questions, Is this going to become something more, If it isn't should we still hang out, how would her potential boyfriends feel about it, how would my potential girlfriends feel about it, Is it worth the potential heartache I might cause/ be caused, from what I understand it's very easy for girls to put guys in the friend column it's not that way for guys no matter how much we suppress those feelings that thought will always be in there ( that may just be me I can be weird like that) Male/Female relations are always complex. I am good friends with many girls though and have never broken contact even with my ex ( we played a game of Frisbee Golf today and went to visit my Grandmother) I'm sorry for the heartache this can and has caused

Peace be with you

 

[Alenci]

I don't think this would be the problem it is if people weren't accustomed to viewing the opposite sex as a collection of potential dates. I have a lot of guy friends, so platonic friendships with the opposite sex are a daily reality in my life. But I know people who never make friends of the opposite sex except when they "befriend" a crush. Some of those people keep the friends they've made, even if their friends are a motley collection of ex-boyfriends or girlfriends and former crushes. Others never learned how to relate to the opposite sex in a non-sexual way, so they just forget them and move on.

 

[LetHimThatGlories]

I don't think this would be the problem it is if people weren't accustomed to viewing the opposite sex as a collection of potential dates. I have a lot of guy friends, so platonic friendships with the opposite sex are a daily reality in my life. But I know people who never make friends of the opposite sex except when they "befriend" a crush. Some of those people keep the friends they've made, even if their friends are a motley collection of ex-boyfriends or girlfriends and former crushes. Others never learned how to relate to the opposite sex in a non-sexual way, so they just forget them and move on.

Yeah, it can be hard for a guy to look at female
relationships in a strictly platonic way sometimes, but
that has a lot to do with the way we're wired. But for
whatever the reason, I don't think that it's nice for a
guy to just take off out of a girl's life without at least
saying why.

 

[intricatic]

I'm sorry you're going through that. I recently had the same sort of thing happen to me (recently being about 6 months or so). Anymore, I prefer just being friends with the girls I meet, until (if/when) it develops into something more. That's not the goal, though.

 

[OhhJim]

...something more than forwarding the occasional chain letter might be thoughtful. As in, "Hi! How are you? Are you still alive?"

Sorry, men just don't often do that sort of thing. You can object to it, but you might as well object to water being wet. It's the way we are.

Aren't you women always telling us to "just be yourselves"?

 

[Blank123]

sorry, Alenci

 

[biffy]

hey look after yourself...people behave the best way they can to "survive" in life and they don't always realise how they make others feel in the process...we are naturally more in turned to our own feelings than others...it's sad in a way but at the end of the day look after yourself when someone in hurting you for one reason or another talk to them about it and/or step back from the situation...your heart is far too precious to God to have it be anything but loved!!! You are His princess afterall...

 

[abcOfChristianity]

Yeah guy's suck

 

[Alenci]

Sorry, men just don't often do that sort of thing. You can object to it, but you might as well object to water being wet. It's the way we are.

Aren't you women always telling us to "just be yourselves"?

Yeah, I guess you're right.

 

[Highland Watchman]

There could be more things at play than this, though. I am not saying that what the guys were doing is right, as I know I have been guilty of the same thing. I don't talk to any of my ex's, but a lot of that is because I have tried to follow her desire to be "just friends", and SHE is the one who tells me that it would be best not to be in contact. But then again, I am also not the greatest at keeping in touch with a lot of people.

It is also very hard for a lot of guys to go from a romantic relationship to a platonic relationship (even if the romance is only in our heads and we eventually argue our ways out of it if we are convinced the girl is not interested... some of us do tend to test the waters for a while before making a move, and by the time we do, it is too late...). Like, how are you supposed to act around someone that you used to be more intimate with, but aren't able to be anymore? Stand there amid the awkwardness and say "... yeah... so..." every once in a while? ESPECIALLY if things are still a little raw or fresh?

Some of it could be that he just needs some healing time. It could also be that he is an idiot. Or he could be one of those people who doesn't view contact as that big of a deal... Some people need contact with their friends every few days or weeks, and others can go for several months without contact, and then bounce back like nothing is up. What is he like with his other friends / ex's? That might indicate more of the answer...

 

[Beauty4Ashes]

most people make decisions out of fear. I know it's hard, but try to view these people as "innocent," whether they are or not. Everyone has stuff going on that causes them to do or not do what they choose and some people just have a hard time choosing anything. It sucks that guys have treated you as a commodity like this but you got to remember no one is perfect and we are all just doing our best to do what we think is right or what we are capeable of doing for the time being. I doubt anyone meant to hurt you they just have their own issues. We are all mostly innocent; in the sense that we aren't all out with ulterior motives trying to use or hurt people. We are all just doing our best (for some that is better than others) and often our actions, words, lack thereof or circumstances can cause people to unknowingly get hurt. That doesn't make it any less painful or ok. But just try to give everyone the space to learn and grow at their own pace, I'm sure that is what you would want them to do for you.

In the meantime, enjoy the friends you have. Give of your love and yourself, and your friendship just for the sake of being that love and that friend that you desire to be. Expect nothing in return. That is honestly the best way to do it.

God bless. I hope that made sense and I didn't offend you in any way.

B4A

 

[Alenci]

What is he like with his other friends / ex's? That might indicate more of the answer...

For a while he wouldn't even tell me that he was coming home for the weekend, but when I'd call him he'd be hanging out with his friends. (I wouldn't have minded if he'd just told me "I'm busy, please don't try to plan stuff"... but not even telling me he was coming home made me feel like a greedy child who thought the world revolved around her. I really did want to be considerate with his time... he didn't need to hide things from me.)

Anyway, I couldn't complain too much about him spending time with his friends because my city is a bit out of the way, and we did see each other a few times over the summer. Plus, I understood that he had been friends with them for far longer, and spending time with me should have been a lower priority (and far lower than spending time at home).

most people make decisions out of fear. I know it's hard, but try to view these people as "innocent," whether they are or not. Everyone has stuff going on that causes them to do or not do what they choose and some people just have a hard time choosing anything. It sucks that guys have treated you as a commodity like this but you got to remember no one is perfect and we are all just doing our best to do what we think is right or what we are capeable of doing for the time being. I doubt anyone meant to hurt you they just have their own issues. We are all mostly innocent; in the sense that we aren't all out with ulterior motives trying to use or hurt people. We are all just doing our best (for some that is better than others) and often our actions, words, lack thereof or circumstances can cause people to unknowingly get hurt. That doesn't make it any less painful or ok. But just try to give everyone the space to learn and grow at their own pace, I'm sure that is what you would want them to do for you.

In the meantime, enjoy the friends you have. Give of your love and yourself, and your friendship just for the sake of being that love and that friend that you desire to be. Expect nothing in return. That is honestly the best way to do it.

God bless. I hope that made sense and I didn't offend you in any way.

B4A

Thanks for your post; there's a lot of truth in that.

 

[Alenci]

It doesn't really make sense. I can't believe that he could do something like that. He isn't that type of person at all, I'm sure. He must have some reason... he must have prayed a good deal about it... but I can't understand why he would want to not talk to me for a month. It's so... bizarre.

 

[intricatic]

Well, I can say that he should have been more considerate of you, but I don't know the whole situation. It sounds to me like he wasn't really paying much attention to you and the relationship was rather one-sided. Heh.. But that's just what I'm seeing here.

 

[biffy]

hey...don't beat yourself up over it...look at my age *sigh* there have been many friends come and go from my life some have been there for a reason others a season and some (God bless them) have been there a lifetime for me...this guy is one out of millions in the world...and you are worth so so so so much more than feeling hurt...take good care of your heart and know that his behaviour was nothing to do with you he was functioning out of his own issues...let him be him and let you be the princess that you are ;-)

 

[JPPT1974]

Don't beat yourself up my friend
Find someone that will treat you right
Let the Lord lead you to that person
If He has the right person for you in mind!

 

[Alenci]

I'm not beating myself up, not by any means, but I was trying to sort things through. I don't need a relationship; Lord knows it's just another burden. And I certainly don't base my self-esteem off of something so shallow as men's opinions of me (I would hope I wouldn't base it off of anyone's opinion of me, male or female).

What bothered me the most was seeing a really great friendship broken, but I'm not quite so worried about that any more. He's not blocking me on AIM, so I'm not concerned. If I'd been at my computer and visible, I feel fairly sure he would have talked to me. And he's a guy (and communicates pretty stereotypically like a guy), so that's the only way I would realistically expect him to keep in touch with his friends, anyway. Things will probably be better once the school year starts, at least if/when he isn't dating others. Then I might be pushed aside somewhat/ignored, but I can deal with that.

 

[biffy]

I'm not beating myself up, not by any means, but I was trying to sort things through. I don't need a relationship; Lord knows it's just another burden. And I certainly don't base my self-esteem off of something so shallow as men's opinions of me (I would hope I wouldn't base it off of anyone's opinion of me, male or female).

What bothered me the most was seeing a really great friendship broken, but I'm not quite so worried about that any more. He's not blocking me on AIM, so I'm not concerned. If I'd been at my computer and visible, I feel fairly sure he would have talked to me. And he's a guy (and communicates pretty stereotypically like a guy), so that's the only way I would realistically expect him to keep in touch with his friends, anyway. Things will probably be better once the school year starts, at least if/when he isn't dating others. Then I might be pushed aside somewhat/ignored, but I can deal with that.

cool....i'm glad you feel better about it and i'm glad to hear that your self- esteem is not based on others opinions of you...so many struggle with that...even much older people...good on you!!!! that's brilliant!!!