There's an Alligator Hiding Behind my Bookcase!

[EspressoDuck]

Here's a poem I wrote a few days ago. Do you like it?

There's an Alligator Hiding Behind my Bookcase (c)
October 2003, Celandine Baggins.

There's an alligator hiding behind my bookcase.
I know because last night I saw his tail.
What use is an intruding alligator?
If I call the police, will they take him off to jail?

There's an alligator hiding behind my bookcase.
He's been hiding those sneaky green scales for weeks.
This reptile is intelligent, I know.
Because whenever I look at him, he winks!

It's creepy knowing such a monstrous creature
Is hiding where I usually keep my dust.
But since he hasn't hurt me or my sister,
To kick him out would surely be unjust.

 

[He put me back together]

lol that one's cute

 

[EspressoDuck]

Thanks!

 

[EspressoDuck]

Heres another one I wrote this year. It's funny, in a sadistic sort of way.


"The Camel"

© 2003 Celandine Baggins,

A camel demurely gallumphed
Across the scorching sand
And as the day wore on
He became to tired to stand.

He bent his knobby knees
And lowered his sleepy head
And then he heard a tiny sound
From beneath his makeshift bed.

He squinted his bloodshot eyes
As he looked for the source of the noise
He'd been awakened from his slumber
And was starting to lose his poise

He spotted a helpless desert mouse
With head and tail so small
Who quickly explained that this was his bed
And he was sorry he'd come there at all

But he had a wife and ninety kids
Who were starving as he spoke
And he needed a large amount of food
Or they would all surely croak

He'd gone all over the desert
In search of nuts or meat
But all he'd found on his travels
Were dust and tired feet

And now he looked up with trusting eyes
And swished his tiny tail
And wiped a tear from he beady eye
And said with a mournful wail

"Oh sir would you help a mouse in need
With a crust of bread or two
I have so little time before
My trouble will be a slew"

So the camel bent down his crusty head
And opened his wizened eyes
And gave a twitch of his stringy tail
And started to realize

That this was too much trouble
And he wanted to go to bed
To lifting his cloven camel's hoof
He squashed the small mouse's head.

 

[EspressoDuck]

Here's another...​

“The World of Amazing”​

(C) 2003, Celandine Baggins.

​

In the world of Amazing you will see​

A flurry of wondrous things​

A camel the size of a door mouse​

Or an owl with silver wings.​

Where unicorns run free, normal as cats,​

and you're bound to see most irregular rats​

when a moose bats an eyelash the sky turns green​

It's the craziest thing you've ever seen!​

Unfortunately humans don't often dwell here​

Though it saddens me at the thought​

We would try to tame it that much is clear​

Moving “this” to the place where “that” 'ought​

In the caves of amazing there dwell no bears​

Just fruit flies the size of their favorite pears​

When a flower opens all the trees applaud​

Including ones hiding under the sod!​

Though the land of Amazing is far, far away,​

There's a place it dwells deep inside​

So just close your eyes and find that great place​

and go along for the ride.​

 

[CJF]

Very good!

 

[EspressoDuck]

Here's another....if anyone's even reading them......

"The Virmilion Vulture" (C)
Celandine Baggins, 2003
(Virmilion-Brilliant Red)

On a crooked old tree in the meadow
Sits a vulture-virmilion and gnarled.
All of the bunnies, they fear him,
And his ominous, silent snarl.

Permanently his skinny neck's bent
And he's got a mean glare in his eye
Menacingly his crusty beak hooks
And it makes on feel dreadfully shy....

When bunnies expire in the meadow
He's not the first one to the scene
He patiently waits for leftovers
He's the vulture-virmilion and mean.

 

[jazz]

I like them a lot. Especially the first two.

 

[Greatcloud]

Lol you are hilarious and I am interested in your favorite poem's.

 

[Greatcloud]

Thanks for the funny poems. You are a breath of fresh air.

 

[Greatcloud]

Alligator woman she's so good. She quench my desire its understood. She makes me hot with what she's got, I must be gross 'cuz your the most.

 

[sunshineforJesus]

great Job,I love poetry

 

[Greatcloud]

Eskimos are funny


They kiss with their noses. Every igloo looks like all the others. How do they find the way home when they are drunk. I am Indian but I'm not a punk. I don't understand them they are very different. Why do they live in the far north,why didn't they keep going south. It makes no sense . They should be living in Seattle or British Columbia. Maybe they were tired and like eating blubber. So they stayed in the artic. I don't know why but it is too cold there. And why are they all smiling maybe because they are very cold. What about all the gold somehow they were never told. I don't know why but it was a good place to live in,in the summer I suppose. But why the kissing with your nose. Ah I know why they are always smiling. Lol it's probably because they are very drunk all the time.

 

[Greatcloud]

Hey espresso duck you are hilarious and my hero. Please write some more I have been praying for you to write more funny poems. I don't know when you are going to see this but I'm sure you'll get this some time soon. My favorite poem of yours is the one about the alligator.

I really like funny poems and want you to write more funny poems. Did you see my poem about Eskimos ?

 

[Greatcloud]

Enjoy your Crocodile


My Crocodile is right out my backdoor at the edge of the yard in the swamp. He's the best defense against a n intruder or cat burglar money can buy.

Also my crocodile is a wonderful garbage disposal. The whole family uses him. From my 9 yo right up to me. We just toss it in his great big mouth and watch him munch it up in seconds flat.

He likes batting the beach ball with his snout on sunny days. So many ways he is indispensable to the family. For me he makes me feel more manly.

He talks to me late at night ,it is like a lions roar. Then he will listen to me talk and then we talk some more. His vocabulary is 125 words just yesterday we had a conversation with birds.

We adopted him officially as our pet. The only thing is we have to keep him wet. Yet he's really no trouble and we show him off. My favorite time was hthat cigar he smokes .Crocodile coughs are deep and loud. Lousy rain is what we have here now. I'm sorry for his response to my vow. My vow to keep him healthy and sane.

His nickname is Killer but his real name is Jack. Now,back , when we first bought the house. I didn't think about being close to a croc at all, much less throwing a beach ball.

I don't have a chance to keep Jack alive till I retire. He , my vet says is 17 yo and fit as a fiddle. But please if you would please solve me this riddle. I am sure he is over 20 foot long and I want to know. What do I do when Jack is done with his song. My , furthering along his song is going to get Jack a music contract. I don't believe it is time for us to start earning money from our music. Wish you were here and the whole country would be happy and want our simple song to cheer the night along. My highest quality in life is writing music. So I sing with Jack and he plays bass . We have a drummer and a rhythm and a lead guitarist. I and Jack continue to write late at night our mellow rock pop music. We are very popular and making lots of money. Lol it's all so very funny. I just painted Jack black. The black makes him look younger. We used "Just for crocodiles male skin dye" ha ha ha . Jack always gives me a wink of his eye when the photo shoot starts and I have to start my new persona up. Magazine writers are eating this up. On we go when will it end.

Perhaps we will make a supernatural movie called cosmic crocodile.

 

[Greatcloud]

I'm not ready

My highest mountain in the Easter Sunday service, at least I call it one was to be the Easter bunny. Funny but they never told me about just what I was getting into. I got the gig because I have a tattoo of Jesus Christ on my right arm. I remember the dude who usually does it was sick.

So I was it. My main job was to start up the Easter egg hunt for all the kids. Also I had to announce the Easter egg hunt for Easter Sunday service. I had to announce the Easter egg hunt dressed up as the Easter bunny.

So that's basically it, simple, huh ? Not so fast. I have no doubt that it is simple. What could go wrong. Right ,well if you listen very hard you will be on my side of the story.

I'm not sure about this but when I first heard about this I balked. I have six children and that's ok. So I am interested in kids and qualified to be the Easter bunny. Basically I wear the Easter bunny costume and do nothing. Do nothing........ ahhh yes. What could go wrong. I even had a song "here's the Easter bunny hooray the happy Easter bunny hooray !," A simple fun song for the children.

So I went to church that morning and got into the costume. It was hot and after an hour sweat was running down my face. It was the grace of God that they called me up to do the announcement . So I am happy and I have my egg basket of chocolate cream filled Easter eggs. And I started tossing the Easter eggs out on each side of the isles. And the kids scrambled to grab the Easter eggs. Lots of little legs scrambling to get the Easter eggs. So I got up and made the simple announcement. I do remember hamming it up and telling all the people how the Easter bunny isn't real and can only be seen by the children. Then the pastor got up and covered my exit. It was all part of the show.

So I am walking toward the door and I think I was walking pretty fast, part of the show, you know. Well one of the eggs was left in the isle and I stepped on it. With tremendous style.

Flat on my face in a young ladies lap. Then the laughter started with the children first and it grew after a moment or two. Then I heard the others laughter grownups laughing so hard and standing up and pointing and falling all over each other. Laughing so hard tears came from the corners of their eyes.

Well that's my highest mountain achievement of Eastertime I won't forget about it soon. That was seven years ago and they still remember.

GOD himself must have been laughing that day.
Marshall

 

[faroukfarouk]

I'm not ready

My highest mountain in the Easter Sunday service, at least I call it one was to be the Easter bunny. Funny but they never told me about just what I was getting into. I got the gig because I have a tattoo of Jesus Christ on my right arm. I remember the dude who usually does it was sick.

So I was it. My main job was to start up the Easter egg hunt for all the kids. Also I had to announce the Easter egg hunt for Easter Sunday service. I had to announce the Easter egg hunt dressed up as the Easter bunny.

So that's basically it, simple, huh ? Not so fast. I have no doubt that it is simple. What could go wrong. Right ,well if you listen very hard you will be on my side of the story.

I'm not sure about this but when I first heard about this I balked. I have six children and that's ok. So I am interested in kids and qualified to be the Easter bunny. Basically I wear the Easter bunny costume and do nothing. Do nothing........ ahhh yes. What could go wrong. I even had a song "here's the Easter bunny hooray the happy Easter bunny hooray !," A simple fun song for the children.

So I went to church that morning and got into the costume. It was hot and after an hour sweat was running down my face. It was the grace of God that they called me up to do the announcement . So I am happy and I have my egg basket of chocolate cream filled Easter eggs. And I started tossing the Easter eggs out on each side of the isles. And the kids scrambled to grab the Easter eggs. Lots of little legs scrambling to get the Easter eggs. So I got up and made the simple announcement. I do remember hamming it up and telling all the people how the Easter bunny isn't real and can only be seen by the children. Then the pastor got up and covered my exit. It was all part of the show.

So I am walking toward the door and I think I was walking pretty fast, part of the show, you know. Well one of the eggs was left in the isle and I stepped on it. With tremendous style.

Flat on my face in a young ladies lap. Then the laughter started with the children first and it grew after a moment or two. Then I heard the others laughter grownups laughing so hard and standing up and pointing and falling all over each other. Laughing so hard tears came from the corners of their eyes.

Well that's my highest mountain achievement of Eastertime I won't forget about it soon. That was seven years ago and they still remember.

GOD himself must have been laughing that day.
Marshall

Hi; must have been quite a lively Easter.

So have you gotten any more tattoos other than the design you mention?

 

[Greatcloud]

The SPIRIT OF LEWIS CARROLL LIVES ON

 

[Greatcloud]

Blow your nose


Off we go to blow our noses I blew mine on a bed of roses. I have a nose it isn't small. Rodgers nose looks like Charles DeGall's. My nose is quite productive five boogers shot at the rose petals ripping off a petal each one.

A nose ment for some prefumer I heard a rumor. Polly's nose is practically perfect something running down into her pouting frown, tells us another story.

You need to blow your nose at home but when your not and there is snot what do you do. Some use a hanky. Some use their sleeves but then you may be asked to leave.

Snot has got the better of me my nose operates independently, ah me.

 

[The Barbarian]

There's an Alligator Hiding Behind my Bookcase (c)
October 2003, Celandine Baggins.

There's an alligator hiding behind my bookcase.
I know because last night I saw his tail.
What use is an intruding alligator?
If I call the police, will they take him off to jail?

There's an alligator hiding behind my bookcase.
He's been hiding those sneaky green scales for weeks.
This reptile is intelligent, I know.
Because whenever I look at him, he winks!

It's creepy knowing such a monstrous creature
Is hiding where I usually keep my dust.
But since he hasn't hurt me or my sister,
To kick him out would surely be unjust.

Shel Silverstein would have been proud of that one.