- Jun 16, 2016
- 322
- 370
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- United States
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- Non-Denom
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- Married
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- US-Others
Hello everyone,
I have thoughts swirling through my head as usual due to OCD and anxiety. It especially gets worse when it's about to be that time of the month. All of my symptoms amplify.
Well I was in therapy, I thought about how I didn't feel like my therapist and I mixed. And I continue to see her anyway because, I was given a new one since the other one stopped working for the firm and I ended up with a new one within a time slot. So, I started seeing this new therapist and continue to do so because, I didn't want to keep starting all over again with another person and I really wanted to be at a Christian counseling firm instead of a secular one which I also felt led to. So, I continue to see her and at times I felt like she got angry with me while I was explaining things to her and I thought it was rather strange but, at some point I wondered if it was justifiable. Or if she was just sounding angry because she was trying to make a valid and solid point. While I was explaining to her why I feel like my dad works so much is because, he had nothing when he was younger. I was simply explaining this to her and let her know that it does break my heart to see my dad practically working himself to death. How I do want to spend more time with him and so does the rest of the family. While I was explainingthat to her she got mad at me it seemed like with her tone of voice and the way she was staring at me while explaining that the reason why he was working obviously almost to death is because, of the pride men have when they work, and because he had nothing as a child but, she seemed angry when she was talking to me about it. I kind of didn't understand why other than thinking that maybe she was really trying to get a point across. But does one really have to get a point across with anger? He really did make me feel uneasy at times when she would do that. I didn't really express that to her when I was meeting with her and I'm questioning on whether I should continue to meet with her or not. I have been seeing her for a year and I wanted to see her for a year-and-a-half but, I'm questioning off and on whether I really should continue with her. If I go for a new person and I'll have to start all over which that doesn't make sense, and I feel like this therapist is giving me a lot of tools when it comes to combating anxiety. I just need to continue to journal, pray, and do everything that she has taught me, the church had taught me, and Christ taught me when it comes to trying to ease my anxiety. There were times it can be very difficult like right now since, it's about to be that time of the month.
I very much so have dating anxiety. It is terrible because I keep meeting men some of them haven't been so great and I have made the choice to not be with them which I'm seeing that it is good at times when it ends up being a no. Also right now I am talking to a guy and he seems very very nice and I discovered recently that he too has anxiety. Is actually good to know that because well I am very nervous myself. It is good that we are both trying to get out there socialized and talk to even to each other. I feel very afraid of things going wrong. My mind just keeps thinking and swirling of all the possibilities of bad things that can happen for some reason and I'm just disappointed times that I just start thinking so negative. I also keep thinking about how him and I are mutual friends on Facebook with a girl who turned on me. And it's very difficult thinking that she might do something if him and I end up going out. It's also that she might not do anything and I just keep thinking of this but the truth is I mean if God really wants it to be it will be. I have also made relationships mistakes in the past such as well I've had sex with a couple of guys, so I'm afraid of a Christian man judging me for what I've done in the past. It's just like I've been trying to get into a Godly relationship with Godly values and staying pure in that relationship and I'm afraid that the guy that I'll end up with will not want to be with me because, I'm no longer a virgin due to my mistakes. I also have fear because, I have made loyalty mistakes before and that time also invovled me getting out of an abusive relationship. I also have fears of guys not wanting to be with me because, I have abusive parents. I think one guy recently who I was starting to get to know, I think a part of the reason why he didn't want to be with me was because, I admitted to him at some point that I have abusive parents. So I'm afraid of this new guy also running off due to me having abusive parents. But also it may just end up being a friendship which that's great, too it's beautiful to have friends who understand you and I just really need to remember to pursue God and his will and not be so desiring of marriage and idolize it. So it's just that I really need to continue to focus on God and just keep moving forward. I have to remember that even though there's times where I just want to quit talking to the guys I do want to continue to talk with them. I do want to be able to have friends, to have relationships, and to be married someday. I believe God gave me that desire and that I should not allow fear to continue to stop me. But it's not that easy. It's really hard when you have an anxiety disorder and I feel like it's hard also. I also discovered that anxiety comes from pride, pride of feeling I guess that you have to do things on your own which is something I even feel the world keeps talking about with the lie of self-reliance. It is pretty difficult and we have to remember to give everything to God. The other difficult thing is with my OCD it is really hard to stop thinking about things because, that's what happens when you have OCD. You can't stop thinking about things it just keeps wheeling and wheeling in your mind until you have spoken it out or written it down, even then it may not stop. It's terrible at times that I'm in this constant state of suffering. I just keep trying to go to Christ with it over and over and as many times I've asked God to heal me He doesn't. I feel like the reason why He hasn't healed me of my anxiety, OCD, and ADHD is because He wants me to be more reliant on him. And He may never heal me of any of my disabilities, this may be what keeps me relying on him. I really wish I didn't have disabilities but, also I still think me having anxiety is a sin. It's really hard to sin for me to face. Especially, when you don't know how to stop it and as much as you try to stop it it's still there or continues to come back.
I would really appreciate prayers from all of you about my anxiety, my other disabilities, my future, and also with this guy, and whichever man God has for me to marry. So far as me and this new guy friend I've been talking to he does seem pretty interested in getting to know me and he does seem pretty sympathetic when it comes to anxiety sincex he's told me he is dealing with it all the time himself. Thank God and thank you for your prayers. Also, thank you for hearing me out. It really helps me to journal and to let this out. Because, when I keep it in it just keeps swirling and this gives me a chance to just release it, let it go in some way as I also keep trying to release it to Christ.
P.S I'm sorry for any spelling grammer mistakes. I was using the audio setting to type this all out.
I have thoughts swirling through my head as usual due to OCD and anxiety. It especially gets worse when it's about to be that time of the month. All of my symptoms amplify.
Well I was in therapy, I thought about how I didn't feel like my therapist and I mixed. And I continue to see her anyway because, I was given a new one since the other one stopped working for the firm and I ended up with a new one within a time slot. So, I started seeing this new therapist and continue to do so because, I didn't want to keep starting all over again with another person and I really wanted to be at a Christian counseling firm instead of a secular one which I also felt led to. So, I continue to see her and at times I felt like she got angry with me while I was explaining things to her and I thought it was rather strange but, at some point I wondered if it was justifiable. Or if she was just sounding angry because she was trying to make a valid and solid point. While I was explaining to her why I feel like my dad works so much is because, he had nothing when he was younger. I was simply explaining this to her and let her know that it does break my heart to see my dad practically working himself to death. How I do want to spend more time with him and so does the rest of the family. While I was explainingthat to her she got mad at me it seemed like with her tone of voice and the way she was staring at me while explaining that the reason why he was working obviously almost to death is because, of the pride men have when they work, and because he had nothing as a child but, she seemed angry when she was talking to me about it. I kind of didn't understand why other than thinking that maybe she was really trying to get a point across. But does one really have to get a point across with anger? He really did make me feel uneasy at times when she would do that. I didn't really express that to her when I was meeting with her and I'm questioning on whether I should continue to meet with her or not. I have been seeing her for a year and I wanted to see her for a year-and-a-half but, I'm questioning off and on whether I really should continue with her. If I go for a new person and I'll have to start all over which that doesn't make sense, and I feel like this therapist is giving me a lot of tools when it comes to combating anxiety. I just need to continue to journal, pray, and do everything that she has taught me, the church had taught me, and Christ taught me when it comes to trying to ease my anxiety. There were times it can be very difficult like right now since, it's about to be that time of the month.
I very much so have dating anxiety. It is terrible because I keep meeting men some of them haven't been so great and I have made the choice to not be with them which I'm seeing that it is good at times when it ends up being a no. Also right now I am talking to a guy and he seems very very nice and I discovered recently that he too has anxiety. Is actually good to know that because well I am very nervous myself. It is good that we are both trying to get out there socialized and talk to even to each other. I feel very afraid of things going wrong. My mind just keeps thinking and swirling of all the possibilities of bad things that can happen for some reason and I'm just disappointed times that I just start thinking so negative. I also keep thinking about how him and I are mutual friends on Facebook with a girl who turned on me. And it's very difficult thinking that she might do something if him and I end up going out. It's also that she might not do anything and I just keep thinking of this but the truth is I mean if God really wants it to be it will be. I have also made relationships mistakes in the past such as well I've had sex with a couple of guys, so I'm afraid of a Christian man judging me for what I've done in the past. It's just like I've been trying to get into a Godly relationship with Godly values and staying pure in that relationship and I'm afraid that the guy that I'll end up with will not want to be with me because, I'm no longer a virgin due to my mistakes. I also have fear because, I have made loyalty mistakes before and that time also invovled me getting out of an abusive relationship. I also have fears of guys not wanting to be with me because, I have abusive parents. I think one guy recently who I was starting to get to know, I think a part of the reason why he didn't want to be with me was because, I admitted to him at some point that I have abusive parents. So I'm afraid of this new guy also running off due to me having abusive parents. But also it may just end up being a friendship which that's great, too it's beautiful to have friends who understand you and I just really need to remember to pursue God and his will and not be so desiring of marriage and idolize it. So it's just that I really need to continue to focus on God and just keep moving forward. I have to remember that even though there's times where I just want to quit talking to the guys I do want to continue to talk with them. I do want to be able to have friends, to have relationships, and to be married someday. I believe God gave me that desire and that I should not allow fear to continue to stop me. But it's not that easy. It's really hard when you have an anxiety disorder and I feel like it's hard also. I also discovered that anxiety comes from pride, pride of feeling I guess that you have to do things on your own which is something I even feel the world keeps talking about with the lie of self-reliance. It is pretty difficult and we have to remember to give everything to God. The other difficult thing is with my OCD it is really hard to stop thinking about things because, that's what happens when you have OCD. You can't stop thinking about things it just keeps wheeling and wheeling in your mind until you have spoken it out or written it down, even then it may not stop. It's terrible at times that I'm in this constant state of suffering. I just keep trying to go to Christ with it over and over and as many times I've asked God to heal me He doesn't. I feel like the reason why He hasn't healed me of my anxiety, OCD, and ADHD is because He wants me to be more reliant on him. And He may never heal me of any of my disabilities, this may be what keeps me relying on him. I really wish I didn't have disabilities but, also I still think me having anxiety is a sin. It's really hard to sin for me to face. Especially, when you don't know how to stop it and as much as you try to stop it it's still there or continues to come back.
I would really appreciate prayers from all of you about my anxiety, my other disabilities, my future, and also with this guy, and whichever man God has for me to marry. So far as me and this new guy friend I've been talking to he does seem pretty interested in getting to know me and he does seem pretty sympathetic when it comes to anxiety sincex he's told me he is dealing with it all the time himself. Thank God and thank you for your prayers. Also, thank you for hearing me out. It really helps me to journal and to let this out. Because, when I keep it in it just keeps swirling and this gives me a chance to just release it, let it go in some way as I also keep trying to release it to Christ.
P.S I'm sorry for any spelling grammer mistakes. I was using the audio setting to type this all out.
