Warning: This is a LONG story, so please be prepared.
Every since I was a small girl I've had things happen to me that could only be described as miracles. I was blessed with a Godly intuition that always seemed to keep me out of trouble at just the right time. This intuition could even go to the point of saving myself from death. However, as I get older and the world starts to become a huge realization for me, it gets harder and harder for that intuition to fall through. I'll explain later the situation that I'm referring to, but righ now I'll beat around the bush for a little longer. When I say the world has become a realization, I mean that I'm no longer blind to the bad stuff that is in it. Sometimes I can become fooled by the ways of the world, and because of that I've recently gotten myself into some huge trouble. Life altering trouble--that could change the course of my future and everyone elses as well. My parents, my grandparents, my friends, even my best friend/cousin (and I'm convinced she is a true angel from God hehe).
I met a boy about two years ago, and I know what you're thinking.. "Oh goodness, not one of THESE talks." But please just hear me out, because by taking the time to read this you have no idea how much that means to me. Well I met this boy two years ago, and to be pretty blantant about it--I've been through hell and back to keep him. It's in my nature to care for people immensely, and shut them out completely when they do something that I feel is wrong or abusive to my own character. But for some reason, this boy has repeatedly come back into my life, and I know God does things for a reason, but this is a situation that I understand... yet at the same time I can't comprehend. This boy and I never really started talking until last December, nearly a year ago.. where I quickly fell for him. This boy seemed like a fantastic match for me when I met him. He was kind, intellegient, respectful, funny. Not to mention tall, dark, and handsome. But I liked that he had these qualities, and for two years straight I had a crush on this boy, until I finally got the courage to speak to him. I messaged him on Facebook and we started talking, and talking... and talking... with some harmless flirting here and there. I even went to the movies with him and thought it was a date. Though. But after about 3 weeks of talking he revealed to me in the most heartbreaking way that he had a girlfriend. I no longer wanted to speak to him anymore. He only mentioned it after I had suggested he meet my family, and that's when he dropped the bomb on me. "I would but my girlfriend wouldn't like it haha."
Even though I shut him out of my life for a whole two days (yes, I did say two.) It didn't take long for those feelings to develop again.. And I told him I'd just like to be friends with him. So we remained friends, but he would occasionally flirt with me, and me because I liked him.. I didn't see anything wrong with it on my part. However, there were times when I would say "If you said the things to you say to another girl and we were dating, we wouldn't be together anymore."
It took him until February, FEBRUARY, to break up with that girl. That's two whole months after we started talking. Let me also say that I had never had a boyfriend before, nor had I had my first kiss during this time.
I guess skipping all the drama, we started something that I believed was a relationship, since that's what he made it seem like.. and I kissed him and all that. I felt guilty after kissing him, because I had given my first kiss to someone who didn't like for me to use the term "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" around him. At first I didn't know why I felt guilty, but now I know it's because I gave my first kiss to someone who didn't deserve it.
Around this time him and I broke off whatever we had, when he asked me if he could take another girl to prom. I realized in that moment that I had been played, despite him saying he didn't mean for that to happen. Even to this day I still don't understand what was going through his mind.. When I told him "of course" in a sarcastic way, he told me "at least I told you." I was done after that. I gave him the silent treatment on the way inside the movies, and after my mom had both paid for us, he just ran away. Literally. Out of the movies and ran all the way home. But at the time I thought he had just went to the bathroom, so when he didn't come back I ran outside of the theater looking for him, crying my eyes out... Chasing him once again. By this time we had done many things together.. going on trips, etc.
Even as I write this I think... even though we did these things together... how could I be so stupid to let someone in over and over again?
That still wasn't the last of "us", whatever we were.. This happened somewhere around February or March, and by April I had moved on for the most part. I was flirting with a guy but I didn't genuinely like him... and when I went over to my cousin's house in Lousiana (yes this is the angel I was talking about) she knew that I didn't really like the guy I was talking to.. during Sprink Break at her house, news about the boy who I'd had a crush on and broke my heart (let's call him Dave) got out, and I found out that Dave's grandfather had passed away. Despite everything my heart ached for him, and I knew how much his grandfather meant to him, because his real father wasn't in his life and his grandfather had been the closest thing he had to that. So I messaged him and told him that I was sorry for what happened, and that I was praying for him and his family. And I did. I can't say that I had lost my faith with God at that point, but I could feel it slowly deteriorating, but it was still there..
This got us to start talking again, and even hanging out, and he had the intention of being my boyfriend this time. I was surprised by the sudden change.. and me being a very skeptical person, I didn't believe it was true. He told me I was the love of his life and that he'd do anything for me, that he had the realization that I was the one for him, that I had always been the one there when no one else was. I could believe this, because I always cared about him with my whole heart. But even when he asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes.. I hesitated to agree. I don't know what it was that was making me hesitate.. but I quickly forgot about that. We were together for five months, and he became my best friend and the person I was the most closest to. I would be lying if I didn't say I was incredibly in love with him, but just because you're in love with a person doesn't mean you're meant to be with them. I hadn't noticed that in this short person of time, I was becoming a completely different person. I thought I was happy, but the truth was I was only happy when my boyfriend was around. I started hating my parents.. but mostly my mother. My boyfriend seemed to dislike how my mother disliked him. In fact, they both didn't really like each other that much. My boyfriend started to speak to my mom in ways that were considered rude and he would criticize the things she did. At first I was too scared to say anything but I could tell that it hurt my mom's feelings. So I told him to stop and he did, but you could tell that he wasn't pleased to hear that my mom didn't like the way he was talking to her. But he always did the things I asked for the most part, so he complied. But you could feel the awkwardness and tension between both of them.. And because my boyfriend felt that my mom was very controlling (which she can be at times, but it's always for a good reason) then I started to see her as controlling because he did. Things got out of hand, I started lashing out at my mom and telling her that I couldn't wait to get out of the house and away from her. That she didn't understand Dave and I's relationship.
As Dave and I got closer, we started to get closer in other ways as well. I started giving parts of myself to him, because I felt like I could trust him and that we'd be together forever. I didn't want to be THAT GIRL, but I truly believed that Dave and I would get married and have a life together some day. He had gone on trips with me, been there for me through deaths in my family... etc. After my Great Uncle died, something about me just forgot my morals. It's the strangest thing, since the day he died I watched him laying there on the hospice bed, and I could hear everyone crying around me.. and I felt this spiritual awakening in me. But even after that day, my faith became smaller and smaller and I began to question whether God was real. Dave and I didn't have s-e-x necessarily, but we did things quite close to it, and because of that I am laying in my bed, without a boyfriend, and waiting to see whether or not I am pregnant. It's crazy how a week and a half ago I thought I was "happy", yet here I am. Lost and alone. I've told my parents of course, well actually my mom found out from a forum that I posted. Since she has access to my email, she got emails about the post and saw where I described in detail what happened that night to make me think I was pregnant. My mom was very loving towards me about it, and for that I am grateful, but as any mother should be... she was also very dissapointed. She made me break all contact with my boyfriend, and we had to break up. At first it didn't hit me because I was only worried about the fact that my mom had found out. I'm 16 after all, and I'm supposed to be a Christian at that, so why did I do these things?
I found a way to contact him after all this... he knew I was already worried about the possible pregnancy but he was confused when I told him we couldn't be together anymore. To make a long story short, my parents told him off, well my mom did--and she made sure to tell him my dad was angry.. And so after this I still contacted him, and during this I turned to God.. I begged him to not let this happen to me. I know it isn't good to turn to God only when you need him, but I didn't know what else to do.
This same time I found out my boyfriend was having fun and laughing and smiling, while I was home struggling... wondering if my life and my future was over. This angered me, and I made sure he knew that. He made excuses, like he always has.. And even after this and him saying he would wait for me... i found out he was liking other girls pictures on instagram because he knew I couldn't see that he had (I wasnt following him and my mom changed the passwords to all my social media.) And it just seemed so childish... so immature. I didn't understand any of it.
I've taken 3 pregnancy tests, all negative, 2 were the urine tests and one was a blood test. However it's only been a week so I don't know how accurate those answers are. Plus I haven't had my period since.. meaning I'm late. I just don't understand why... why did it get this way? How could I have been to blind. I know I can't blame God, but there are times when I feel like I have absolutely no faith in him. The worry and fear consumes me and every day I check and there is no change.. nothing to truly reassure me that everything will be fine. I sometimes wonder if God is really looking out for me anymore, and I know he is but I guess I just don't understand his plan...
I had this future ahead of me, and now I'm sick with worry. And after shutting off my boyfriend completely I still feel the urge to see what he has replied, or to write back to him. But I'm stronger than that so I avoid those temptations... I just wish I had avoided certain temptations sooner. Maybe I wouldn't be in this predicament.
I thought God had brought my boyfriend back into my life, but I guess it was my choices that brought him back.. Or maybe he was here to teach me a lesson. I'm honestly not sure.. I have no answers. This has been the worst situation I've been in for my 16/almost 17 years of living. I have no answers and I am lost. I guess I just need that reassurance from God that things will be okay but it feels as if he's so far away. I need the strength and the will to get over this boy who I know is no good for me, but I feel like I continue to go back to him. Why is that?
All I ask for now is that you see this situation and you pray for me. Please pray that things will get better for me. If you have something you would like me to pray about I will do it willingly. I am a caring person, I know that's true.. but my faith is the thing that I continue to lack time after time, and I don't want to lack faith anymore. My mother's grandpa always said that if you have the faith of a mustard seed, you can change the world.
Every since I was a small girl I've had things happen to me that could only be described as miracles. I was blessed with a Godly intuition that always seemed to keep me out of trouble at just the right time. This intuition could even go to the point of saving myself from death. However, as I get older and the world starts to become a huge realization for me, it gets harder and harder for that intuition to fall through. I'll explain later the situation that I'm referring to, but righ now I'll beat around the bush for a little longer. When I say the world has become a realization, I mean that I'm no longer blind to the bad stuff that is in it. Sometimes I can become fooled by the ways of the world, and because of that I've recently gotten myself into some huge trouble. Life altering trouble--that could change the course of my future and everyone elses as well. My parents, my grandparents, my friends, even my best friend/cousin (and I'm convinced she is a true angel from God hehe).
I met a boy about two years ago, and I know what you're thinking.. "Oh goodness, not one of THESE talks." But please just hear me out, because by taking the time to read this you have no idea how much that means to me. Well I met this boy two years ago, and to be pretty blantant about it--I've been through hell and back to keep him. It's in my nature to care for people immensely, and shut them out completely when they do something that I feel is wrong or abusive to my own character. But for some reason, this boy has repeatedly come back into my life, and I know God does things for a reason, but this is a situation that I understand... yet at the same time I can't comprehend. This boy and I never really started talking until last December, nearly a year ago.. where I quickly fell for him. This boy seemed like a fantastic match for me when I met him. He was kind, intellegient, respectful, funny. Not to mention tall, dark, and handsome. But I liked that he had these qualities, and for two years straight I had a crush on this boy, until I finally got the courage to speak to him. I messaged him on Facebook and we started talking, and talking... and talking... with some harmless flirting here and there. I even went to the movies with him and thought it was a date. Though. But after about 3 weeks of talking he revealed to me in the most heartbreaking way that he had a girlfriend. I no longer wanted to speak to him anymore. He only mentioned it after I had suggested he meet my family, and that's when he dropped the bomb on me. "I would but my girlfriend wouldn't like it haha."
Even though I shut him out of my life for a whole two days (yes, I did say two.) It didn't take long for those feelings to develop again.. And I told him I'd just like to be friends with him. So we remained friends, but he would occasionally flirt with me, and me because I liked him.. I didn't see anything wrong with it on my part. However, there were times when I would say "If you said the things to you say to another girl and we were dating, we wouldn't be together anymore."
It took him until February, FEBRUARY, to break up with that girl. That's two whole months after we started talking. Let me also say that I had never had a boyfriend before, nor had I had my first kiss during this time.
I guess skipping all the drama, we started something that I believed was a relationship, since that's what he made it seem like.. and I kissed him and all that. I felt guilty after kissing him, because I had given my first kiss to someone who didn't like for me to use the term "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" around him. At first I didn't know why I felt guilty, but now I know it's because I gave my first kiss to someone who didn't deserve it.
Around this time him and I broke off whatever we had, when he asked me if he could take another girl to prom. I realized in that moment that I had been played, despite him saying he didn't mean for that to happen. Even to this day I still don't understand what was going through his mind.. When I told him "of course" in a sarcastic way, he told me "at least I told you." I was done after that. I gave him the silent treatment on the way inside the movies, and after my mom had both paid for us, he just ran away. Literally. Out of the movies and ran all the way home. But at the time I thought he had just went to the bathroom, so when he didn't come back I ran outside of the theater looking for him, crying my eyes out... Chasing him once again. By this time we had done many things together.. going on trips, etc.
Even as I write this I think... even though we did these things together... how could I be so stupid to let someone in over and over again?
That still wasn't the last of "us", whatever we were.. This happened somewhere around February or March, and by April I had moved on for the most part. I was flirting with a guy but I didn't genuinely like him... and when I went over to my cousin's house in Lousiana (yes this is the angel I was talking about) she knew that I didn't really like the guy I was talking to.. during Sprink Break at her house, news about the boy who I'd had a crush on and broke my heart (let's call him Dave) got out, and I found out that Dave's grandfather had passed away. Despite everything my heart ached for him, and I knew how much his grandfather meant to him, because his real father wasn't in his life and his grandfather had been the closest thing he had to that. So I messaged him and told him that I was sorry for what happened, and that I was praying for him and his family. And I did. I can't say that I had lost my faith with God at that point, but I could feel it slowly deteriorating, but it was still there..
This got us to start talking again, and even hanging out, and he had the intention of being my boyfriend this time. I was surprised by the sudden change.. and me being a very skeptical person, I didn't believe it was true. He told me I was the love of his life and that he'd do anything for me, that he had the realization that I was the one for him, that I had always been the one there when no one else was. I could believe this, because I always cared about him with my whole heart. But even when he asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes.. I hesitated to agree. I don't know what it was that was making me hesitate.. but I quickly forgot about that. We were together for five months, and he became my best friend and the person I was the most closest to. I would be lying if I didn't say I was incredibly in love with him, but just because you're in love with a person doesn't mean you're meant to be with them. I hadn't noticed that in this short person of time, I was becoming a completely different person. I thought I was happy, but the truth was I was only happy when my boyfriend was around. I started hating my parents.. but mostly my mother. My boyfriend seemed to dislike how my mother disliked him. In fact, they both didn't really like each other that much. My boyfriend started to speak to my mom in ways that were considered rude and he would criticize the things she did. At first I was too scared to say anything but I could tell that it hurt my mom's feelings. So I told him to stop and he did, but you could tell that he wasn't pleased to hear that my mom didn't like the way he was talking to her. But he always did the things I asked for the most part, so he complied. But you could feel the awkwardness and tension between both of them.. And because my boyfriend felt that my mom was very controlling (which she can be at times, but it's always for a good reason) then I started to see her as controlling because he did. Things got out of hand, I started lashing out at my mom and telling her that I couldn't wait to get out of the house and away from her. That she didn't understand Dave and I's relationship.
As Dave and I got closer, we started to get closer in other ways as well. I started giving parts of myself to him, because I felt like I could trust him and that we'd be together forever. I didn't want to be THAT GIRL, but I truly believed that Dave and I would get married and have a life together some day. He had gone on trips with me, been there for me through deaths in my family... etc. After my Great Uncle died, something about me just forgot my morals. It's the strangest thing, since the day he died I watched him laying there on the hospice bed, and I could hear everyone crying around me.. and I felt this spiritual awakening in me. But even after that day, my faith became smaller and smaller and I began to question whether God was real. Dave and I didn't have s-e-x necessarily, but we did things quite close to it, and because of that I am laying in my bed, without a boyfriend, and waiting to see whether or not I am pregnant. It's crazy how a week and a half ago I thought I was "happy", yet here I am. Lost and alone. I've told my parents of course, well actually my mom found out from a forum that I posted. Since she has access to my email, she got emails about the post and saw where I described in detail what happened that night to make me think I was pregnant. My mom was very loving towards me about it, and for that I am grateful, but as any mother should be... she was also very dissapointed. She made me break all contact with my boyfriend, and we had to break up. At first it didn't hit me because I was only worried about the fact that my mom had found out. I'm 16 after all, and I'm supposed to be a Christian at that, so why did I do these things?
I found a way to contact him after all this... he knew I was already worried about the possible pregnancy but he was confused when I told him we couldn't be together anymore. To make a long story short, my parents told him off, well my mom did--and she made sure to tell him my dad was angry.. And so after this I still contacted him, and during this I turned to God.. I begged him to not let this happen to me. I know it isn't good to turn to God only when you need him, but I didn't know what else to do.
This same time I found out my boyfriend was having fun and laughing and smiling, while I was home struggling... wondering if my life and my future was over. This angered me, and I made sure he knew that. He made excuses, like he always has.. And even after this and him saying he would wait for me... i found out he was liking other girls pictures on instagram because he knew I couldn't see that he had (I wasnt following him and my mom changed the passwords to all my social media.) And it just seemed so childish... so immature. I didn't understand any of it.
I've taken 3 pregnancy tests, all negative, 2 were the urine tests and one was a blood test. However it's only been a week so I don't know how accurate those answers are. Plus I haven't had my period since.. meaning I'm late. I just don't understand why... why did it get this way? How could I have been to blind. I know I can't blame God, but there are times when I feel like I have absolutely no faith in him. The worry and fear consumes me and every day I check and there is no change.. nothing to truly reassure me that everything will be fine. I sometimes wonder if God is really looking out for me anymore, and I know he is but I guess I just don't understand his plan...
I had this future ahead of me, and now I'm sick with worry. And after shutting off my boyfriend completely I still feel the urge to see what he has replied, or to write back to him. But I'm stronger than that so I avoid those temptations... I just wish I had avoided certain temptations sooner. Maybe I wouldn't be in this predicament.
I thought God had brought my boyfriend back into my life, but I guess it was my choices that brought him back.. Or maybe he was here to teach me a lesson. I'm honestly not sure.. I have no answers. This has been the worst situation I've been in for my 16/almost 17 years of living. I have no answers and I am lost. I guess I just need that reassurance from God that things will be okay but it feels as if he's so far away. I need the strength and the will to get over this boy who I know is no good for me, but I feel like I continue to go back to him. Why is that?
All I ask for now is that you see this situation and you pray for me. Please pray that things will get better for me. If you have something you would like me to pray about I will do it willingly. I am a caring person, I know that's true.. but my faith is the thing that I continue to lack time after time, and I don't want to lack faith anymore. My mother's grandpa always said that if you have the faith of a mustard seed, you can change the world.
