The river (I would love any comments please be nice)

[Eisen Sphere]

Drifting on a sail less boat,
The banks lined with flora and dragonflies,
A timeline that ebb and flows,
While twilight brings home the night,
Ghostly apparitions of mist and smoke,
These are memories waving goodbye out of sight,
I want to stay but the tides dictate where I go,
The moon crescents a beautiful starry sky,
Streaks of light are the Angels moving to and fro,
This river circumnavigates the grand design,
Empty this bottle to place my note,
It reads I will see you again within due time,
Knowing these waves are part of a universal moat,
I'll be back around to kiss you again goodnight,
So I travel on this lonely sail less boat,
Skimming the water on a river we call time.

 

[Norbert L]

I like your use of a wide variety of description. What I find lacking is the slightest hint of the gospel, the good news. In my view that is central to Christian writing.

 

[Eisen Sphere]

I like your use of a wide variety of description. What I find lacking is the slightest hint of the gospel, the good news. In my view that is central to Christian writing.

Thank you for reading and advice. I wasn't sure if I was posting it correctly or not.

 

[Jeans&dresses]

I like your use of a wide variety of description. What I find lacking is the slightest hint of the gospel, the good news. In my view that is central to Christian writing.

Any artform, including poetry, is the expression of someone's mind, heart, soul, etc. It can be just a small window to a small part. It's great that you decide that everything you express to be about the gospel, but that's not to say that everything that every Christian author writes needs to be directly about biblical subject matter. It doesn't make it any less authentic, and glorifying to God. It can be about relationships, kayaking, bad perfume knock-offs, dish cloths. Don't get me wrong, I love art that directly relates to the gospel story, it's the biggest and most important story there is. But when we start restricting which subject matter is correct for a Christian to explore, is when we start getting stale, unoriginal art.

 

[mozo41]

the heavenly river/narrative which flows from Eden and is separated into four heads by a garden not enclosed becomes the narrative of the earthly ...

it is the perception of a beginning and an end which becomes the perception of time, as these rivers flow into the sea of confusion for a time until they return from where they came ....

it is this process of our soul which can not be circumnavigated

 

[afishamongmany]

the heavenly river/narrative which flows from Eden and is separated into four heads by a garden not enclosed becomes the narrative of the earthly ...

it is the perception of a beginning and an end which becomes the perception of time, as these rivers flow into the sea of confusion for a time until they return from where they came ....

it is this process of our soul which can not be circumnavigated

Very poetically put Mozo. ><>

 

[afishamongmany]

Drifting on a sail less boat,
The banks lined with flora and dragonflies,
A timeline that ebb and flows,
While twilight brings home the night,
Ghostly apparitions of mist and smoke,
These are memories waving goodbye out of sight,
I want to stay but the tides dictate where I go,
The moon crescents a beautiful starry sky,
Streaks of light are the Angels moving to and fro,
This river circumnavigates the grand design,
Empty this bottle to place my note,
It reads I will see you again within due time,
Knowing these waves are part of a universal moat,
I'll be back around to kiss you again goodnight,
So I travel on this lonely sail less boat,
Skimming the water on a river we call time.

Hello Eisen Sphere - welcome to CF.
I would say that this one is the best of the three, lots of atmosphere, interest surprise. The first two have also got something. Look forward to hearing more. Do you write a lot?
Go well,
><>

 

[Eisen Sphere]

Any artform, including poetry, is the expression of someone's mind, heart, soul, etc. It can be just a small window to a small part. It's great that you decide that everything you express to be about the gospel, but that's not to say that everything that every Christian author writes needs to be directly about biblical subject matter. It doesn't make it any less authentic, and glorifying to God. It can be about relationships, kayaking, bad perfume knock-offs, dish cloths. Don't get me wrong, I love art that directly relates to the gospel story, it's the biggest and most important story there is. But when we start restricting which subject matter is correct for a Christian to explore, is when we start getting stale, unoriginal art.

That is very well said and a terrific point of view. I do understand about wanting to hear more lines from the gospel but it shouldn't be a limitation of what's good or what's bad.

 

[Eisen Sphere]

the heavenly river/narrative which flows from Eden and is separated into four heads by a garden not enclosed becomes the narrative of the earthly ...

it is the perception of a beginning and an end which becomes the perception of time, as these rivers flow into the sea of confusion for a time until they return from where they came ....

it is this process of our soul which can not be circumnavigated

'Perception of the beginning and an end which becomes the perception of time.' Powerful.

 

[Eisen Sphere]

Hello Eisen Sphere - welcome to CF.
I would say that this one is the best of the three, lots of atmosphere, interest surprise. The first two have also got something. Look forward to hearing more. Do you write a lot?
Go well,
><>

Thank you for taking the time to read it. I use to write a lot if I wasn't doing any art but lately I haven't been doing neither. Not a fan of my writings but love to hear others opinions on it. Do you write?

 

[Quasiblogo]

Nice poem Eisen. I still think Norbert has an observation that is valid—at least something to consider when you have such beautiful wording as this and an indirect inference or reference to one of the many angles of Christian faith would be useful. I look forward to more of your writings

 

[Eisen Sphere]

Nice poem Eisen. I still think Norbert has an observation that is valid—at least something to consider when you have such beautiful wording as this and an indirect inference or reference to one of the many angles of Christian faith would be useful. I look forward to more of your writings

Thank you for reading it is a valid point and has definitely been noted.

 

[Norbert L]

Any artform, including poetry, is the expression of someone's mind, heart, soul, etc. It can be just a small window to a small part. It's great that you decide that everything you express to be about the gospel, but that's not to say that everything that every Christian author writes needs to be directly about biblical subject matter. It doesn't make it any less authentic, and glorifying to God. It can be about relationships, kayaking, bad perfume knock-offs, dish cloths. Don't get me wrong, I love art that directly relates to the gospel story, it's the biggest and most important story there is. But when we start restricting which subject matter is correct for a Christian to explore, is when we start getting stale, unoriginal art.

I agree that the gospel is a great thing, great things are something to aspire too if a person freely chooses it. My comment was advice not a command, it's up to the individual if they want to incorporate the gospel or not, we have that freedom. Personally I don't see a down side to it.

 

[joyshirley]

Drifting on a sail less boat,
The banks lined with flora and dragonflies,
A timeline that ebb and flows,
While twilight brings home the night,
Ghostly apparitions of mist and smoke,
These are memories waving goodbye out of sight,
I want to stay but the tides dictate where I go,
The moon crescents a beautiful starry sky,
Streaks of light are the Angels moving to and fro,
This river circumnavigates the grand design,
Empty this bottle to place my note,
It reads I will see you again within due time,
Knowing these waves are part of a universal moat,
I'll be back around to kiss you again goodnight,
So I travel on this lonely sail less boat,
Skimming the water on a river we call time.

What a beautiful poem. I really like it and a couple of the lines you wrote are so evocative, such as 'while twilight brings home the night' and 'the moon crescents a beautiful starry sky'. The last line is powerful, especially since you referenced time differently in line 3. Well, that's how it struck me, anyway.

 

[Eisen Sphere]

What a beautiful poem. I really like it and a couple of the lines you wrote are so evocative, such as 'while twilight brings home the night' and 'the moon crescents a beautiful starry sky'. The last line is powerful, especially since you referenced time differently in line 3. Well, that's how it struck me, anyway.

Thank you very much

 

[rapturefish]

Drifting on a sail less boat,
The banks lined with flora and dragonflies,
A timeline that ebb and flows,
While twilight brings home the night,
Ghostly apparitions of mist and smoke,
These are memories waving goodbye out of sight,
I want to stay but the tides dictate where I go,
The moon crescents a beautiful starry sky,
Streaks of light are the Angels moving to and fro,
This river circumnavigates the grand design,
Empty this bottle to place my note,
It reads I will see you again within due time,
Knowing these waves are part of a universal moat,
I'll be back around to kiss you again goodnight,
So I travel on this lonely sail less boat,
Skimming the water on a river we call time.

There is a good rhythm and flow about this poem. The imagery is lovely and it flows in my mind as I read it.

A few things to improve it. Some things need tweaking on a copyediting level, like "sail less boat" to become "sail-less boat", "A timeline that ebbs and flows". I think sometimes you don't need a comma at the end of some lines because they impede the flow unnecessarily eg you can use a period at the end of Line 4 maybe. Where it says It reads I will see you again within due time I think quotes or italics are in order.

I would suggest spaces to make paragraphs where there are new thoughts.

Last of all, Christians are as free as free can be. There is absolutely no requirement to have a Christian message, or gospel explanation, or even an implication of Christianity in something you write. Let your heart be cultivated in Christ and anything you write from that heart will be something God loves. Mandating that there be obvious Christian content limits what one defines as being something that honours God. Of course, you write to your audience - writing to a specific Christian audience you can afford to write more references that they will get, but something that is thematically accessible and doesn't have references to Christianity can resonate with anyone, Christian or not.

If this is typical poetry for you, then I suggest you write regularly and post it up to a trusted circle, make it your routine. Just write. I'm telling myself this too because I struggle to get things going with my writing too.

Blessings,

RF