The Right Thing

[LightOfGold]

Hello everyone,

I have been struggling with a situation for a very long time, and thought maybe a perspective from fellow Christians like myself could be helpful.

I know that as Christians we are supposed to help each other. I also know that we are supposed to put other people before ourselves. Are there any exceptions to that?

My relationship with my spouse is quite toxic. I'm under a lot of restrictions.
It's very hard for me to communicate with people, work a job, take part in church activities, and basically live my life because he doesn't want me around people, especially other men. Mostly men.


That's just the tip of the iceberg. My question is, if I know that leaving him would devastate him and ruin his life, how do I know if it's ok to leave him? Is it right to do that to another person?
I'm asking from a Christian point of view. Any feedback would be great. Thanks for reading.

 

[maintenance man]

My question is, if I know that leaving him would devastate him and ruin his life, how do I know if it's ok to leave him?

First of all, if you have children that is absolutely your first concern.

The obvious question then becomes why did you marry this man? Did he completely change after you married him?

If you had a "religious" ceremony you likely made a vow to God to love this man no matter what. Are you ready to break that vow? Has he already broken that vow in some way? Is there no chance you can find your way back to a loving relationship? Have you considered or tired counseling?

No one here can tell you if it's "okay to leave him." That's between you and God.

 

[yeshuaslavejeff]

QUOTE="LightOfGold, post: 74536575, member: 424535"]Hello everyone,

I have been struggling with a situation for a very long time, and thought maybe a perspective from fellow Christians like myself could be helpful.

I know that as Christians we are supposed to help each other. I also know that we are supposed to put other people before ourselves. Are there any exceptions to that?

My relationship with my spouse is quite toxic. I'm under a lot of restrictions.
It's very hard for me to communicate with people, work a job, take part in church activities, and basically live my life because he doesn't want me around people, especially other men. Mostly men.
I'm not allowed around certain members of my own family for other reasons I disagree with.

That's just the tip of the iceberg. My question is, if I know that leaving him would devastate him and ruin his life, how do I know if it's ok to leave him? Is it right to do that to another person?
I'm asking from a Christian point of view. Any feedback would be great. Thanks for reading.[/QUOTE
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Is God's Plan , Purpose and His Word your life ?

 

[Ahermit]

Hello everyone,

I have been struggling with a situation for a very long time, and thought maybe a perspective from fellow Christians like myself could be helpful.

I know that as Christians we are supposed to help each other. I also know that we are supposed to put other people before ourselves. Are there any exceptions to that?

My relationship with my spouse is quite toxic. I'm under a lot of restrictions.
It's very hard for me to communicate with people, work a job, take part in church activities, and basically live my life because he doesn't want me around people, especially other men. Mostly men.
I'm not allowed around certain members of my own family for other reasons I disagree with.

That's just the tip of the iceberg. My question is, if I know that leaving him would devastate him and ruin his life, how do I know if it's ok to leave him? Is it right to do that to another person?
I'm asking from a Christian point of view. Any feedback would be great. Thanks for reading.

Why leave him without relating the truth to him first. That is what relationship is all about - to relate to each other 'honestly'.

People who try a control life to their own terms are fearful of things not going their way. They don't know how to cope with change. So they force anything that might change to not change. Basically they are scared people.

In my relationship, we are both very aware of this simple truth. Whenever I resist, even slightly, my partner asks "What am I afraid of?" My part of the relationship is then to be prepared to expose my fears and become vulnerable to judgement. When we first practiced such honesty, my male ego trembled - fearing that my partner would think less of me. But in fact, I was loved more dearly for my honesty. Our relationship of absolute honesty is liberating for both of us.

If you think to initiate such an approach would be too risky for you, then perhaps use a Christian counsellor as a mediator.

 

[ValleyGal]

The book "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend provides an excellent, scripture-based reasoning for not allowing people like your husband to control you. It is up to you to change that dynamic, and Cloud and Townsend help you to understand how you can do that respectfully. Please read the whole book and find some supportive people before you start practicing boundaries. Be prepared for backlash - he might not like it that you are changing things up.

 

[mkdrive2]

I recommend you to see a therapist, one that practices cognitive behavioral or rational emotive behavior therapy.

I also know that we are supposed to put other people before ourselves.

I disagree with this. You should be your first priority. But you do not need to rush leaving your husband if it will give you a lot of inner turmoil. Get help first. And maybe the therapist can help you help your husband to see things differently. Who knows?

 

[Tolworth John]

My relationship with my spouse is quite toxic. I'm under a lot of restrictions.
It's very hard for me to communicate with people, work a job, take part in church activities, and basically live my life because he doesn't want me around people, especially other men. Mostly men.

It is so very easy for us to say what you should do, and so very difficult for you.

May I suggest sitting down with him and discussing your roles in marriage.
How each of you are to 'trust' the other. How each is to put the others needs first.

Ask how does he trust you if you cannot attend church services and events?
What does he think you are going to do?

Is he willing to attend councelling about your marriage and about his behaviour?
Are there issues you need to seek help with?