the punishing thread!

[tulc]

I just found out all 4 of my sons want to be valets when they grow up.
My doctor said that's the worst case of parking sons disease he's ever heard of.

 

[tulc]

Whenever it gets cold in my house I just go stand in the corner.

It's usually about 90 degrees there.

 

[tulc]

My wife was mad at me for my addiction to the Monkees.
I thought she was joking.

Then I saw her face, now I'm a believer.
Not a trace of doubt in my mind.

 

[tulc]

I asked a librarian if she had any books on Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat.

She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.

 

[majj27]

These are terrible, horrible and groan-worthy. As such, I had to immediately share them with my wife and daughter. I've now been banished to the basement and told I cannot tell another joke until I apologize.

 

[Kerensa]

Did you hear about the yoga master who refused an anaesthetic while getting a root canal filling? His goal: transcend dental medication.

 

[tulc]

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?
You never sausage a tragic thing.
My wife was really upset. Cheese still not over it.
Finally I told her "He pasta way darling, we cannoli do so much but now his legacy will become a pizza history!"

 

[tulc]

I'll do algebra, I'll do trig I'll even do statistics.
...but graphing is where I draw the line.

 

[Kevin Snow]

Ok that last one got me. Pretty good

 

[Kerensa]

(From comedian Tim Vine at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival a few years ago)

"Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."

 

[Kerensa]

The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

God came to Noah and said "I want you to make some design changes to the Ark".
"Ok", said Noah. "What changes do you need? Shall I order in more animals?"
"No. I want it for fish."
"Fish? Well I can get sharks, dophins, snapper, herrings." Replied Noah.
"I want you to get carp, and I want you to increase the Ark by 20 stories." Said God.
"Ok. But why?"
"I will tell you," replied God.

"It is because I always wanted a multi-story carp ark!"

 

[tulc]

An ancient Greek walks into a tailor's shop,
the tailor says "Euripides?"
"Yes, eumenides?" the ancient Greek said back.

 

[tulc]

My wife and I sat down to dinner and started wondering how the chicken crossed the road? Did it wok across or did it fry across?

 

[Ancient of Days]

I used spot remover on my dog, and now my dog is gone...

 

[tulc]

I went to my doctor and told him I'm having hearing problems he asked me if I can describe the symptoms, I thought it was odd but I said "Homer is a fat guy and Marge has blue hair.".

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

Why did the chicken cross the road softly?
Because he couldn't walk hardly.

 

[Moral Orel]

My wife and I sat down to dinner and started wondering how the chicken crossed the road? Did it wok across or did it fry across?

I used spot remover on my dog, and now my dog is gone...

Okay, this is going to be mildly racist, but these two jokes, right next to each other in the thread... The universe is telling me I have to tell the following joke...

Did you hear about the new Chinese book? It's called "Spots on the Wall" by Hu Flung Pu.

 

[tulc]

Justice is a dish best served cold
mostly because if it was served warm it would be justwater.

 

[tulc]

why do hammers weigh 16oz?
because they're pounders.