but how does one come to hold those beliefs about God, Jesus etc, if one doesn't already hold them, is it just a matter of conformity? Is it a matter of obedience?
You're going to get many different answers.
As for me, I had to. I count myself lucky. I was at a point where I thought I had to kill myself, I just couldn't take it anymore. But I prayed instead. Nothing dramatic happened, no sounds, no voices, but things started to get better veeeeery slowly. It took years, and then I could function without constant suffering. But let's not think of just results, if the prayer was answered or not (I believe it was); what happened was a lost human being reaching out to God he didn't even believe in, it was just a vain hope, a little leap of faith with a faith that was already very weak or barely nonexistent. Even if I felt barely any hope, because I was in fact quite hopeless, the need for that hope was far more vast than ever before. But there had to be some faith in me already, of a hidden kind, the kind I wasn't aware of. Of course I knew the name Jesus and some of the stories in the Bible, so I did call for Jesus.
But I can't pretend that I was well-read, I can't pretend that I had been in any way obedient, I can't pretend I was theologically sound in any way, and I can't pretend that I was convinced about any of it. All I know is I was desperate and I needed God, nothing else would do anymore.
Everything else came later. Faith, and believing in God, is truly a process. I can't tell you how many times I've questioned or changed the ways I look at certain parts of the Bible, and I can't know all the times and ways my faith was molded. We can't escape change and growth as people in general. Sometimes I've felt like my faith and subsequent theology has been swept under my feet, but in the end that was just another thing for me to surrender to God. I've needed all of that, but I also need to remember that even if I change, even if I have to look at some things in a different light than before, God doesn't change. "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever". Nowadays I'm comfortable with letting God have His mysterious side. I don't have to know everything, and I can't. Love is more important that knowledge, and it would really be a shame to give someone as dumb as me more knowledge than I can handle anyway.
Sometimes faith for me is a choice more than anything else. I'm still kind of broken, and my feelings are against me. Fear and anxiety, with some bouts of depression, they're there. There are times when I don't feel anything, there are times when I feel the absolute worst things. But I can choose to put my hope in Christ nonetheless. My inner turmoils aside, I've chosen to believe that He will not change, and I can choose to place my hope in Him and His name no matter what I'm feeling. There is a lot of peace in that for me.
When it comes to conformity, I don't know. I'm almost a hermit so I don't really go to church, but even when I was younger, atheism seemed to be far more prevalent. So for me it wasn't about fitting in. I've gotten some good fellowship on this site though, as well as hellfire and judgement. When I was very lost in every sense of the word, there were a few very patient and caring people who kind of "took me in" on this site. They displayed the love of Christ, and none of them were looking at it as an excuse to force their theology on me (although they did have their own, and of course I wouldn't have wanted for them to pretend otherwise). There was no purity test, there was just love. Those brothers and sisters built me up. Thanks Ron, Gerry and Vic.
I still suck at obedience, so it's probably better I won't even touch that subject.
But as I think about the whole thing, the actual heart of the matter hasn't changed. Over the years I've read more, I've seen more viewpoints, I've associated with some Christians a bit more, I know some more about Christian history, I've changed my views on certain matters many times. But I'm still just a child who needs his God, his Father, and who needs hope. I choose to have that hope in Christ, and I can trust He knows how to teach me to love better, and for His will to happen no matter how lost I can get. Oh, about trust. I trust a little bit better. It's definitely not as vain or aimless hope as it was in the beginning, even if at times I might feel hopeless or lost, but I've learned to trust more. That He knows who He is, and He knows how to handle His will and His kingdom.
I have no idea if I managed to answer your question by the way. God bless you anyway brother.
