The Paradox of Loneliness

[TheLostCoin]

I don’t know, but if you guys can forgive all the posts in which I acted immaturely and forgive me for my sins, I honestly want to open up - and I’ve been feeling really down lately, I think in part because of Orthodoxy.

So I’m a college Senior - about to be finished - and as I’m a Senior, I tend to feel really down on some Friday nights.

Despite the fact that I’m not Orthodox yet (despite my knowledge of it above the average parishioner), I still have some inherit Christian values which I carry with me - I have little interest in the hedonistic lives of typical college students - I don’t want to have sexual relations with anybody, I don’t want to get habitually drunk, I don’t want to use recreational drugs, I have no interests in parties or bars where any one of these things go on, and I don’t want to be associated with people who live such lifestyles.

I also have a lot of baggage from my history of seizures and clinical depression - the lattermost, while for the most part gone, still impacts my social aptitude and my view on things even to this day.

What this has led to is me really only having like 2 real friends whom I hang out with - who want to be around me - and nothing else. And I feel generally aggravated that I’m not doing better than that.

My Church community is just there. I don’t know - the kids my age who are a part of it never really do anything that I know of which I can be invited to, except for one friend from that, and things became sour with the clique of people there when my friend broke up with a person in that group they were dating, and it hasn’t been the same with that group since.

My other friend I met last year, and while he isn’t at all religious and doesn’t share the same values as me, he still genuinely likes me and we hang out and do stuff. He was a part of a social group that was rather Liberal but not really hedonistic, but when they discovered my beliefs (you know, transgender ideology and Christianity), they kind of socially excommunicated me except that friend.

And quite honestly, I look around at the hedonists around me, and I’m jealous, I’m jealous that they have a functional social life, little problems, and get to enjoy the pleasures of the flesh.

Am I really better than them? I have nothing to boast about - I’m a slave to food and lust and laziness and the Internet, and I genuinely feel like a reprobate in God’s eyes. I don’t even know if I’m in the right Church honestly - the whole Chalcedonian mess makes it hard to figure out whose right and whose wrong unless you just blindly pick one, so maybe God will just damn me for apostasy, now that I know both Churches (Oriental Orthodox and Eastern Orthodox).

And I just feel miserable - a prisoner, in other words. And I kind of wonder what’s the point of it all - not that I’m suicidal or anything, just trapped in my own head.

I’m 21 years old and I can’t even get a girlfriend. I had only one friendship where there was mutual affection and a similar valued system, but that ended horribly, and miserably, and I find it hard to find a girl - Orthodox or not - who shares what I find important in life whom I’d be interested in dating. I have no interest in promiscuous women who get drunk and have no intellectual capacity outside Snapchat - if I had a girlfriend, I want just a friend. But that’s not what relationships are typically, they are just a means to an end - whether it’s appearing normal to others or having sex.

I simultaneously hate humanity, but I hate myself, and keep spiraling downwards, and quite frankly, now that the “best time of my life” is over and I have to deal with the rest of my life, of working for 40-50 years and then dying, I don’t know what to do.

I’m just an outcast, an error of the system, and I feel like I’m a mistake.

I’m alone. Based on who I am, I can’t just pick up regular friends and follow whatever they do, or just get a girl for a means to an end - I’m alone and by myself, only able to talk to similarly minded people online. And now you know the truth of who I am.

 

[Lost4words]

You are still very young. You have all your life ahead of you.

Maybe you are setting the bar too high in life? I like your approach in some aspects though.

God will guide you. He will help. Any sufferings you are going through now, offer up to God for others.

I was 22 when i met my first love. Give it time. Continue to pray to God. Replace negatives into positives. Be strong. You are not alone my friend.

God bless you

 

[well hey]

You hit the nail with exactly whats going on in my life. hopefully things get better

 

[ArmyMatt]

well, you are not totally alone. you might feel that way now, but that doesn't mean it'll last. God has a way of helping us out when He knows we are ready, which often happens when we aren't actively looking. hang in there.

prayers!

 

[~Anastasia~]

We all struggle in various ways - of course you are forgiven.

I know the pain is real. But I hope you won't feel locked in by your situation right now. I don't want to sound like a platitude, but God does work through these difficult times.

And there are plenty of young people out there who do share your values. I see they often have a difficult time meeting each other. Since you're a senior, this part of your life will shift to another soon. Perhaps you'll be moving? Entering career or what have you. You'll soon be in new circles. This is a good time to be in contact with your priest or someone else you trust to guide you spiritually, as it can be easy to let our own thoughts get in the way. But I really applaud you for your values, and you will meet others who appreciate them as well. You might have to look harder if in different places.

One thing I really want to emphasize - you are NOT leaving "the best part of your life" to embrace nothing but a downward spiral!!! Sometimes those "oh so wonderful" years of youth are nothing but a deep pool of angst, that we are freed from as we learn to shift our focus in adulthood. And I'm willing to bet that everyone you see around you with all their hedonistic tendencies are really just trying to fill a void of some kind in themselves (and generally unsuccessfully - even if what they are doing is fun in the moment, it only serves to deepen that void when it's over). I can pretty much guarantee you these things, even if no one wants to admit it. (Except perhaps for true narcissists, and they have other problems.)

Prayers for you. I wish I could give you concrete help. Is there some kind of retreat or something you could participate in? I'm not sure what your constraints are as far as time, distance, or money. But if it were me, I'd start scouting out things like that. If money is a problem, maybe something in a role where you are helping others and then it can often be financed otherwise.

I know it's not easy to be told "just wait" ... but you could easily be right on the edge of everything changing.

Just don't look at the ungodly and envy them and think your life suffers in comparison. You have access to the TRUE riches and true source of joy, and all their efforts to band-aid their hidden wounds in the meantime only hurt them further. It's really a pity for them. Since you're caught up in witnessing all this and it's affecting you ... well if it were me, I would probably ask my SF about starting to pray for them on these counts.

Prayers for you. Hang in there. And really, God often does His best work when we are struggling the most.

God be with you.

 

[SingularityOne]

I’m 23 and I can relate to some of this. Feel free to PM me if you’d like to connect/talk.

Finding communities that aligned with hobbies I wanted to pursue helped a bit. That was rock-climbing for me. What are some activities that you enjoy doing that could cultivate community alongside the foundation of your Parish/Church community?

“The amount of suffering that the soul can accommodate is also how much it can accommodate of the grace of God” - Elder Alexander of Gethsemane

 

[Lukaris]

I hope you will find a loving faithful wife and have more social relations.

That being said, I am in my 50s & have primarily been solitary all my life. Not all of us are sociable (as opposed to being antisocial) but we must find a way to be caring even as solitaries. I just try to work, pay my taxes, volunteer janitory work in our parish, & give what I can to Orthodox Christian charity ( IOCC etc.), Catholic Social Services, St. Jude’s,Red Cross etc.
I have plenty to do, thankful for it, & still plenty of sin & unhappy days to struggle with also. I have also been blessed to travel a little over the years to Britain & Ireland.

 

[AMM]

I'm a college senior, graduating in a couple months, too. I'm a recent convert and can definitely relate -- I'm not really into the party scene. (I've only been to one party in my 4 years at school, and it was hosted by the Catholic Campus Ministry, so it was pretty tame). Feel free to PM me if you want.

 

[Not David]

College Student. I would recommend you to exercise and lift weights. It can help combat laziness and improve your confidence.