The Hug

[Persis]

To be fair to @Persis, she was not asking if the motive was inappropriate. He may have meant well, but the action itself could be considered inappropriate.

Thank you!

 

[Persis]

"Offensive"? No. But bothersome, no doubt.

Still, my hunch is your pastor was simply trying to be helpful and comforting. I'd just as soon that people keep their hands to themselves but it really seems like no harm was intended. If it was me, I'd let it slide... with a request that they not hug me.

Are you a man? Just wondering from a man's point of view if he would like being hugged that way?

 

[Persis]

And I can fully accept that because everyone is entitled to their opinion and I'm not neurotically oversensitive. Which was exactly my point, we don't need to become a society that makes a big deal out of every little thing that happens. Perhaps the pastor was simply trying to comfort you in your time of need, as you were clearly upset. Whatever happened to giving people the benefit of the doubt. It certainly does it sound like you were in any way gravely harmed. I'm sorry if you find my comments difficult to accept but they are merely another perspective on an over-sensitive society and possibly a situation where you were overly sensitive.

I was harmed psychologically, if not more. Maybe you should google about the protocol of hugs and stop making light of it. A Pastor of all people should know these things. I still appreciate your reply, as every reply helps me grapple with this and come to closure.

p.s. I find it interesting you are on this forum. If you find people's complaining and oversensitivity unwarranted and so tiring with just about everything, then why are you on here on 'Christian Advice' as a Supporter? Your personality is more of a dismisser and minimizer. At least that is what you are showing me.

 

[Newtheran]

Was in a Pastor's office for the 1st time. Never met him beforehand. i started crying and tried to hold back the tears because of disturbing events in a sad occasion which was causing unbearable stress. I was feeling so upset! The Pastor did not know about it. I simply asked him for a tissue to wipe my eyes in which he got up and came back from behind (the door was behind me) and to the side and gave me a tissue. I took the tissue and said thank you. All of a sudden I felt his arms try to wrap around me to console me from behind, when I was sitting in the chair. I was shocked because I did not see this coming, and just felt him touching me all of a sudden. I was startled and immediately shook him off with vigor. It was my only reaction to the shock and to the displeasure of not being ready or even happy to receive the hug since I didn't know him. Later as I looked at the event I still think it is really strange way to hug someone. It's never happened to me before. I realize as well that since hugging is such a personal thing, not everyone wants to be hugged, and they save them for the special close people in their lives. What I want to know is if the good people here on this forum both male and female, would have found this offensive? I still feel uncomfortable about it. Thank you .

Definitely on the creepy / odd side.

 

[Persis]

Definitely on the creepy / odd side.

Thank you so much!!

 

[Newtheran]

Thank you so much!!

No worries. Back hugs are the domain of people you are 1. Romantically involved with or 2. Who are trying to assassinate you.

 

[Persis]

No worries. Back hugs are the domain of people you are 1. Romantically involved with or 2. Who are trying to assassiate you.

Oh my gosh....i dont know if I should laugh or cry? LOL I never shared my more personal view but since you spoke my mind, this is what I had running through my own mind from my own experiences etc.. Is that back hugs are romantic. That is why I am so upset because it felt too intimate.. The only time I have ever seen a back hug is between married people or boyfriend and girlfriend. I just couldn't verbally say it ... And yes.. I agree again.. the other option is assassination! LOL Like, that is why I said it felt like an assault at first. Thank you for the validation.

 

[lsume]

Was in a Pastor's office for the 1st time. Never met him beforehand. i started crying and tried to hold back the tears because of disturbing events in a sad occasion which was causing unbearable stress. I was feeling so upset! The Pastor did not know about it. I simply asked him for a tissue to wipe my eyes in which he got up and came back from behind (the door was behind me) and to the side and gave me a tissue. I took the tissue and said thank you. All of a sudden I felt his arms try to wrap around me to console me from behind, when I was sitting in the chair. I was shocked because I did not see this coming, and just felt him touching me all of a sudden. I was startled and immediately shook him off with vigor. It was my only reaction to the shock and to the displeasure of not being ready or even happy to receive the hug since I didn't know him. Later as I looked at the event I still think it is really strange way to hug someone. It's never happened to me before. I realize as well that since hugging is such a personal thing, not everyone wants to be hugged, and they save them for the special close people in their lives. What I want to know is if the good people here on this forum both male and female, would have found this offensive? I still feel uncomfortable about it. Thank you .

If I were the pastor, I wouldn’t see any woman without a female observer that has been well vetted. Also, hugging a female from behind seems strange in that his arms would be touching areas that should not be touched. I would like to know the ages of both the pastor and the woman. At the very least, he should have offered the hug first before approaching. With so many pastors falling away over issues that have hurt Christianity, I think he would have been hyper aware of the dangers.

 

[HatGuy]

I don't understand why so many pastors in America counsel women alone. Is this because the whole women pastors thing is not supposed to be a thing?

Yes, the hug seems awkward. Why was no female around?

 

[Persis]

If I were the pastor, I wouldn’t see any woman without a female observer that has been well vetted. Also, hugging a female from behind seems strange in that his arms would be touching areas that should not be touched. I would like to know the ages of both the pastor and the woman. At the very least, he should have offered the hug first before approaching. With so many pastors falling away over issues that have hurt Christianity, I think he would have been hyper aware of the dangers.

Yes, you are very perceptive. It didn't even register to me this far consciously, perhaps unconsciously, that that is why I was so upset -- because his hands were moving in the direction of touching the front of my body; the front of my neck,instead of the back of my body.

I would say the Pastor and I are about in the same age group, him being perhaps slightly older.

Me too over the disappointment of the Pastors actions. I have lost my respect for him. It's very hard now to gain it back, and it is sad because he is doing the service for my mother's funeral in a couple days. I will naturally forgive him and move on, don't anyone get me wrong, but I don't have enough time to process it until after. I hope he doesn't hug me at the funeral reception. I will try to never have my back turned toward him, as ludicrous as that sounds.

 

[Persis]

I don't understand why so many pastors in America counsel women alone. Is this because the whole women pastors thing is not supposed to be a thing?

Yes, the hug seems awkward. Why was no female around?

Yes you are very right. But please keep in mind it is a really small church, but certainly he still could have and should have had someone there, as well. I regret we didn't do the arrangements through the phone which seemed like an option. Hindsight always makes one an expert.

 

[Dave L]

Something I do is let people, especially women choose how much space they want between me and them. That is, after moving so far towards them, I stop and let them approach me the rest of the way. They stop where they feel comfortable. I used this technique for many years in sales and it works.

 

[Persis]

Something I do is let people, especially women choose how much space they want between me and them. That is, after moving so far towards them, I stop and let them approach me the rest of the way. They stop where they feel comfortable. I used this technique for many years in sales and it works.

Well bless your heart. You are a wonderful man, and I am sure many women respected you. Afterall, I think that really, it is a two way street. I am sure no guy is going to like a strange woman or man do what the Pastor did to me. Thanks for sharing.

 

[crossnote]

Yes absolutely. In fact you read my mind because I was going to use the word sinister in my post and then refrained from it thinking it too much. But you know a hug should be a beautiful thing when received. A person comes towards you face to face.. They have a look of compassion,empathy or love towards you. Their body language and who they are, makes you decide whether you want to receive it, and if it is safe to receive it. You have the choice to opt out and offer your hand or limit how much they touch you in a friendly way. If you receive it you openly embrace and receive the care they show you (especially if you are in your most vulnerable state). You trust them. You hug and you connect to that person and you feel better. What the pastor did to me felt sinister. Honestly, do you know what happens when someone who you dont know, and who you dont know is going to hug you or touch you, never mind from behind? It feels like an assault. Which is why my reaction was so over the top because my instinct told me to fight him off. I was completely startled out of the blue. I dont know what his thinking was, but surely he did not do anything to console me if he wanted to. I think by default and me not knowing him at all, I will give him the credit that he wanted to console me, but by him being a Pastor it leaves great distaste in my mouth about his practices. I will obviously forgive him as I will never see him again after my mother's funeral, but for sure, if I had the time I would pick another Pastor, as it will take time to process my feelings, and he will be doing the service for my mother's funeral in a couple days, which is already such a hard event to get through.

My take is that either he was very insensitive in his approach (which puts his pastorship in question) or he had some shady motives. Even though I am a guy, I find women are far better attuned to wrong signals like that and you should probably go with your gut feeling on this one.

Coincidentally my dad (an atheist-which makes it doubly hard) passed away on Monday, and being the Trustee, I find it is an overwhelming responsibility in getting everything in order, especially when he lived 5 hours away by car (we travel up there tomorrow).. My wife has been a great help as she handles the phones well (I stutter), but I can write the letters etc.

 

[PaulCyp1]

He probably went a bit too far. A brief front to front hug while standing would have been more appropriate.

 

[Persis]

My take is that either he was very insensitive in his approach (which puts his pastorship in question) or he had some shady motives. Even though I am a guy, I find women are far better attuned to wrong signals like that and you should probably go with your gut feeling on this one.

Coincidentally my dad (an atheist-which makes it doubly hard) passed away on Monday, and being the Trustee, I find it is an overwhelming responsibility in getting everything in order, especially when he lived 5 hours away by car (we travel up there tomorrow).. My wife has been a great help as she handles the phones well (I stutter), but I can write the letters etc.

Bless your heart, Crossnote. Thank you for your understanding and validation. It has been the hardest 7 days since my mom has passed. I was so close to her, even denying my life for several years to look after her. But I would never have done it differently. I did everything she wanted and she died peacefully at home surrounded by her 2 children at the time, and a visit from her friend a few hours later. The Lord blessed us and answered our prayers. I have gone through the 5 stages of grief and at times it feels like it can knock me out. Not to mention all the overwhelming responsibilities that comes with a death in the family. So much to do now..

My condolences to you and your family.. I am so sorry for your loss .I am so sorry your dad was an atheist.. I'm not totally sure about my mom, so I can understand how much harder it is to let them go.. I suppose we never know as even in their last hour, their last breath they could still come to Christ.. I feel compelled to pray for you that the Lord be with you, and that you get through this very difficult time with His grace, mercy and comfort.

God Bless you, and thank you for sharing your story and your advice. When I go to the funeral I will know that, at the very least, I do not have to be embarrassed about my reaction to the Pastor's 'hug'. That really takes off a load of a greater load already.

 

[Persis]

He probably went a bit too far. A brief front to front hug while standing would have been more appropriate.

Yes, so agree.. The fact that I was sitting made it so wrong and wierd and unusual too. So he not only hugged me from behind but while I was sitting down where I had less mobility to respond. Thank you

 

[anna ~ grace]

Yes, you are very perceptive. It didn't even register to me this far consciously, perhaps unconsciously, that that is why I was so upset -- because his hands were moving in the direction of touching the front of my body; the front of my neck,instead of the back of my body.

I would say the Pastor and I are about in the same age group, him being perhaps slightly older.

Me too over the disappointment of the Pastors actions. I have lost my respect for him. It's very hard now to gain it back, and it is sad because he is doing the service for my mother's funeral in a couple days. I will naturally forgive him and move on, don't anyone get me wrong, but I don't have enough time to process it until after. I hope he doesn't hug me at the funeral reception. I will try to never have my back turned toward him, as ludicrous as that sounds.

Keep a distance. Forgive. But we wise. What he did was creepy, and invasive. You don't just hug people like that. You are right to feel weirded out. It was weird.

 

[thecolorsblend]

Are you a man? Just wondering from a man's point of view if he would like being hugged that way?

I'm a man, yes.

Yes.

 

[brinny]

My take is that either he was very insensitive in his approach (which puts his pastorship in question) or he had some shady motives. Even though I am a guy, I find women are far better attuned to wrong signals like that and you should probably go with your gut feeling on this one.

Coincidentally my dad (an atheist-which makes it doubly hard) passed away on Monday, and being the Trustee, I find it is an overwhelming responsibility in getting everything in order, especially when he lived 5 hours away by car (we travel up there tomorrow).. My wife has been a great help as she handles the phones well (I stutter), but I can write the letters etc.

I'm soooo sorry for the loss of your dad. Praying for you and your wife and all the family at this most difficult time of loss and grief. (((hug)))