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The friends first approach to dating

Discussion in 'Singles (Only*)' started by ThisIsMe123, Jul 18, 2019.

  1. ThisIsMe123

    ThisIsMe123 Not sure

    +305
    United States
    Christian
    Single
    I was wondering, I do come across a lot of dating prospects who follows this philosophy like its gospel (figuratively speaking).

    Just recently I started talking to a woman that has been unattached for 3 years and is not of the romantic mindset and just seeks to spend time with a man to see if he's someone she'd want to be romantic with.

    Apparently, there's an additional hurdle now, these days, if you want to date a woman. And for some women, it's the "friends first" approach.

    Typically, this is a roadblock thrown up as a defensive stance to keep men at bay. To keep men from moving too fast as I hear tons of complaints from women that it seems every guy they meet....moves too quickly for her. And thus the "friends first" method of dating was born.

    There seems to be a clash between those that try to move a relationship in a rushed fashion and thus the friends first stance.

    I am sure you've heard the stories of that ONE couple that said "We were friends for 5 years!" That they some how knew each other for a long time before they got married, but typically that's not without having dating others within those 5 years as they weren't really a dating couple. It was one of those, 'You were there the whole time!!" moments.

    You see on social media, on their wedding day, "I married my best friend!"

    I'd like to be able to say that about my future spouse. "I married my best friend!"

    I had one woman I met that said that being "friends first" is the way she is going due to having "been hurt" by previous men.

    Of course, I won't just be friends with a woman I'm into though, that's just self-punishment when there are other prospects that are seeking what I am seeking. Plus I'm too old to be only friends with so many women.

    Do you think "friends first" method to see where it goes is the way to go, and with people taking this method of dating seriously, do you think it's a logical idea? Or is this a wishy-washy way of going about and not considered proper dating or courtship? A half-measure method of dating?
     
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2019
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  2. com7fy8

    com7fy8 Well-Known Member Supporter

    +3,300
    United States
    Christian
    Single
    I have been told how it is possible to spend years with someone, but when you get married it is totally different.

    Others say things were the same after they got married.

    So, I would say you can't make one statement which goes for everyone.

    Also . . . by the way > there are women who can be desperate, and act in haste. Or, maybe, they can put on an act that they are not desperate.

    So, I would not go by some one-size-fits-all rule or by how things look.

    My approach has been to first seek to obey God, and trust Him to guide how I relate with each lady. And if I find a lady who I find to be for real, I honor her and encourage her to make sure with God about what she wants to do with me. Because I trust her because she is a real Jesus lady, I trust what she decides.

    If you do not trust someone, I would not even start to try to get alone with her for a date. I find it odd how ones tell us they are having problems with their companion, and it turns out they don't even trust the person enough to talk about things with that person. Why would you date or marry or get close to someone you don't even trust????
     
  3. com7fy8

    com7fy8 Well-Known Member Supporter

    +3,300
    United States
    Christian
    Single
    I keep getting told how people want to marry someone, but the person says no, and then the one wanting to marry the person does not want to share with him or her, any more. Why would you just dump someone you consider desirable for marriage? If the person is a really all right person, it can be good to keep sharing as real friends with the person.

    And, especially, if the person is a really Christian person, this is your own brother or sister in Jesus > your own family in God's love. So, how ever could you just decide you don't want to spend time with someone who is your own Jesus sister or brother????

    If I can just judge and get away from someone because I can't get what I want, and if the person is a brother or sister of Jesus . . . this could be why I am having trouble getting into a real love relationship. I need to appreciate each Jesus person I can share with, and honor how much time each one has to spend with me, since a really Christian person is also loving and caring for and sharing with others; because Jesus has a person all-loving, not only for isolating with some one favorite >

    "if you love those who love you, what reward have you?" (in Matthew 5:46)

    Therefore, my commitment has been that if I find a lady really desirable and good for me, I need to be ready to love others as myself by always welcoming however God guides her to love any and all others. Because she is not first for me, but for Jesus and how Jesus wants her to reach and love people He cares about.

    And with this approach, I have gotten into sharing with various very all right ladies. It is quality not quantity. A minute of sharing in God's love with a real Jesus sister does me more good than a billion universes of silver and gold could, and certainly more than what all the worldly women of eternity could do for me for all eternity even if they cooperated with me the way I wanted.

    And my lady friend spends more than a minute :) And with Jesus I keep needing more correction so I can more and more find out how to love with her and others. Being with her gives me opportunity to learn how to love; I feed on how she reasons from compassion in her relating with people, while I can tend to be practical; yet, there are times I correct her to be more caring with difficult people. And I help her with things she does to love needy people; so I help her, too :)

    So, she is not only for me to use for what I want. Love does not have us only using anyone.
     
  4. LaBèlla

    LaBèlla His little lady

    +2,749
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Single
    I wouldn’t maintain a connection. But in all truth, I wouldn’t date someone who had reservations about marriage and wasn’t seeking to discover if we should pursue that course. If either felt we shouldn’t, I would wish him well.

    I’ve made a commitment to nurture friendships with women during this season. When I marry, I’m happy to forge relationships with other couples with my spouse.

    It hasn’t nothing to do with faith. It’s a question of propriety. I’m happy to pray for someone. But intimacy is another matter and its a boundary I maintain.

    When I need to share my heart; I speak to a woman. I don’t need to pour out my concerns to a man. I alleviate a lot of issues and opportunities for inappropriate behavior with my stance.
     
  5. LaBèlla

    LaBèlla His little lady

    +2,749
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Single
    If the man agrees with her stance and is willing to befriend her that’s fine. They need to be in agreement though.

    I agree. I wanted to do it in the past and he said no. There was one option for us and that was it. He was right.

    It makes me think of hedging or protecting yourself. How many people are in that category? One option or several? I wouldn’t do that to myself or anyone else.
     
  6. Sketcher

    Sketcher Born Imperishable

    +4,951
    Non-Denom
    Single
    US-Republican
    It has been very effective at helping me dodge some crazy women, and equally effective at keeping my relationships shallow with women that had actual potential. It was encouraged as the more Christian way to find a mate when I was in college (mainly by other students), and as such I didn't get that friendly push to really pursue a woman. Being as I am introverted, and had a bad experience in high school, that was encouragement that I needed. Essentially, this approach helped to keep me single.
     
  7. blackribbon

    blackribbon Not a newbie

    +5,953
    Christian
    I think it is basically saying that you need to click as friends before you move the relationship to romantic. So nothing physical or googoo eyes until you find out if you have fun together without the prospect of touch or romance. It doesn't have to be 5 years, it can be much shorter than that. This means your time together is likely more casual and it should be cheaper since friends usually pay their own way.

    If you can't enjoy each other's company as friends, then she doesn't see a reason to move to romance. I think that makes more sense because then you actually marry someone you are more likely to have seen without makeup and see who they really are.
     
  8. ThisIsMe123

    ThisIsMe123 Not sure

    +305
    United States
    Christian
    Single
    I Googled "Friends first dating" and surprisingly one of the first few links was via a Catholic Singles link

    https://www.catholicsingles.com/blog/just-friends-first-might-not-best-dating-strategy/

    It's a list, the one that pops out is the fact that if you wanted to work for Google, and decided to be "friends first" with someone that works there that can get you an interview. But you wait 5 mos before asking them, and then they'd be like "Did he just want to be friends with me so he would think I'd hook him up with a job at Google?"

    There is something that makes it a "Half measure" when you do that. But you have to find out first, what is "friends first" means to THAT specific individual saying this (usually a woman).

    Some people think, "Wow, that's a novel concept, it may even taper divorce rates if you go this route!"

    But some theorize a certain inkling of shadiness of going this route, that it's not entirely genuine. But with most women that want this, their reason is 99% (I think), the fact they don't want to move quickly. THey want to be "friends first" to SEE if this they...click..if there's a spark..etc. To see if this is someone they'd want to get romantic with.

    [the bolded] This woman that I'm talking to is explicit about this and I've seen tons of women on online dating sites that swear by this method. I think it's more prominent with online dating than in real life encounters insomuch as there is a concern for safety and/or trying to get past that extra awkwardness of an online encounter vs a real life, organic one.

    She just wants to meet for drinks or coffee, nothing more. No meal. So thus doesn't put me in much of a position to pay for a dinner, which is thoughtful on her part.

    But yeah, it's kind of a "wait and see" method for women.

    So people have their interpretations of what "friends first dating" really means.
     
  9. LaBèlla

    LaBèlla His little lady

    +2,749
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Single
    If I’m engaging with someone on the Internet I have two concerns: compatibility and singleness. I have no interest in conversing with married men (or those living with someone) and its important to rule that out early on.

    Our conversations are frequent and in depth. We discuss subjects pertaining to relationships and many more. What we’re trying to determine is whether our common denominators and interest are worth exploring.

    We aren’t friends. We’re acquaintances. Meetings occur when we’ve come to a mutual decision that our conversation and suitability require in-person engagement to validate our suspicions.

    That’s always over dinner at a place of his choosing. I never meet for drinks or coffee with a prospect. And I don’t do dutch. Nor do the men I’m considering.
     
  10. Elliewaves

    Elliewaves Untouchable internet saint

    +853
    Non-Denom
    Engaged
    It works for some and not for others. It's all about timing. And probably being able to read social cues.
     
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