The Friendly Girlfriend Dilemma

[Messerve]

So, I have this friend I've known for awhile and we are decently close friends, though we don't see each other too often... But we keep in touch through fairly regular texting and he's very much like a brother to me.

I met him when he was single, but soon after he had a girlfriend. My friendship with him basically formed at the same time that she was moving in and everything... However, I didn't meet her for awhile.

I've tried to hang out with my friend just one-on-one many times, but it hasn't really gone anywhere even though he seemed to want to. So that confused me...

More recently I have gotten to know his girlfriend, too, and that's where the issue is I think. She's super friendly with me (not in a bad way really) and wants to be my buddy basically. She says she doesn't have many friends, and though she's super possessive of my friend (her boyfriend), she's also super outgoing with me. Sometimes I'll ask a simple question and we end up texting for hours! The whole time I'm nervously wondering what this is doing to my relationship with my actual friend... I've apologized to him about those long conversations, but he's just like "It's fine. No big deal."

I basically have no face-to-face access to my friend unless she allows it. If I seem to imply that I want to hang out with him and don't specifically mention her, then she's hurt and angry. And though I'm fine with getting to know her better, at the rate that's happening I'll soon know her better than my friend, which isn't fair to him at all! I've known him two years longer.

In summary, I feel like I'm being manipulated into being her friend instead of his, like she's trying to be a closer friend to me than us two guys were. But I never wanted that! Yet, if I don't go along with it I pretty much lose all access to him. And also, if I let her have her way, I'm afraid my relationship with him will be damaged regardless because of her habit of texting into the late hours of night... He says he doesn't care, but how can he not?

Help? Does that make sense? Has anyone ever had a weird situation like this?

I'm especially interested in hearing a woman's perspective... Is this some kind of manipulation to destroy us guys' friendship so she can have 100% of his time to herself? Or does it sound like she's just super outgoing and maybe a little lonely?

 

[anna ~ grace]

"I'm especially interested in hearing a woman's perspective... Is this some kind of manipulation to destroy us guys' friendship so she can have 100% of his time to herself?"

Possibly. She also seems to be maybe a little over-friendly. I wouldn't feel ok texting my husband's friends "for hours", and I'm pretty sure he'd be fairly uncomfortable if he learned that was going on.

You need to sit down with your friend and let him know you want to hang out with him, one on one. Guys need guy time. If she gets hurt, well, maybe he can suggest she take herself out for the day, or spend the day with family.

 

[dzheremi]

Couldn't it be both? If she's lonely and possessive, she's going to want to (subconsciously or not) be the focus of his attention as much as is possible, but she's probably also going to want to cultivate other friendships so as to deal with the loneliness (I imagine it's magnified when/if you realize that your only friend is your boyfriend) in those times when it is not reasonable to expect him to interact with her. I assume that this is behind the texting late into the night (he's probably asleep/not available to tend to her).

I know people like that, who will admit in more vulnerable times to needing to be the center of attention for their significant other. It's a strange situation to be in as a friend of either or both halves of the couple. I'd say if you are good enough friends with them then talk to both of them about the texting so that you can get it to stop and so that nobody will be in the dark as to what is (and isn't) going on. This sounds like something you can maybe bring up and have the two of them talk it out amongst themselves when you are not around. You can also use that talk as a time to introduce your feelings about having such 'controlled access' to your friend. I can't imagine any reason why you can't all get along, but it sounds like some ground rules need to be set in both of these aspects of the friendship. You don't want to be in some weird friendship love triangle!

 

[Messerve]

"I'm especially interested in hearing a woman's perspective... Is this some kind of manipulation to destroy us guys' friendship so she can have 100% of his time to herself?"

Possibly. She also seems to be maybe a little over-friendly. I wouldn't feel ok texting my husband's friends "for hours", and I'm pretty sure he'd be fairly uncomfortable if he learned that was going on.

You need to sit down with your friend and let him know you want to hang out with him, one on one. Guys need guy time. If she gets hurt, well, maybe he can suggest she take herself out for the day, or spend the day with family.

They're extremely laid-back, but even so I feel weird about talking for so long. For example, on Christmas I asked her a question and we messaged each other a bit. Then she didn't respond for maybe an hour and then we ended up talking for about three more hours after that. Later, I saw photos of them celebrating Christmas together and I realized the time that they were opening gifts was that pause in between... So she literally paused her messaging just to open gifts with him and then went right back to messaging me! I felt bad and confused...

Yet he knows about it and doesn't try to stop her, apparently. But why not?? I don't get it.

I'm praying for a chance to actually sit down with my friend just once without her being there, but it's amazing how rare and short-lived those moments are. One day I went to his home in the evening and she wasn't around, and just as we began to talk she showed up at the door.

We can't have a true man-to-man conversation while there's a woman in the room. It's just a fact. But I think there are many women who can't accept that or don't realize it.

 

[Messerve]

Couldn't it be both? If she's lonely and possessive, she's going to want to (subconsciously or not) be the focus of his attention as much as is possible, but she's probably also going to want to cultivate other friendships so as to deal with the loneliness (I imagine it's magnified when/if you realize that your only friend is your boyfriend) in those times when it is not reasonable to expect him to interact with her. I assume that this is behind the texting late into the night (he's probably asleep/not available to tend to her).

I know people like that, who will admit in more vulnerable times to needing to be the center of attention for their significant other. It's a strange situation to be in as a friend of either or both halves of the couple. I'd say if you are good enough friends with them then talk to both of them about the texting so that you can get it to stop and so that nobody will be in the dark as to what is (and isn't) going on. This sounds like something you can maybe bring up and have the two of them talk it out amongst themselves when you are not around. You can also use that talk as a time to introduce your feelings about having such 'controlled access' to your friend. I can't imagine any reason why you can't all get along, but it sounds like some ground rules need to be set in both of these aspects of the friendship. You don't want to be in some weird friendship love triangle!

Yeah, maybe I can talk to my friend first when she isn't there just to establish once and for all that he's aware she's messaging me for so long. I'm still not sure he realizes that it goes on for hours...

And then maybe I can talk to both of them together, so that way we're all starting on the same page at least. I don't want to hurt her feelings, because she is vengeful (or claims to be) so I'd have to be super tactful about it.

I've already established with her that I forbid any romantic feelings for her out of respect for my friend. She went on to say that my friend is hers and I can't have him... So is she saying I can't even consider him a friend just because they're a couple?

 

[dzheremi]

I have no idea what that comment means. It's hard to convey tone via text, so I don't know if she meant it playfully, or seriously, or what. Either way, I'd say that's not appropriate. I thankfully don't have any friends who have wives or girlfriends like that (I don't know your age range, but me and all my friends are in our late 30s, so it could be that some of what's going on with your situation may mellow with age...or so I'd hope!), but when I was younger it was common to deal with these catty, possessive, and self-described 'crazy' girls, and it just got so tiring...I lost a few friends for a while due to that stuff, because who really wants to deal with it? Anyway, it may not be the the man-to-man talk that you want, but it sounds like talking to them both at some point (maybe after you talk to him privately, like you said; I dunno) is maybe the only way forward, if she's as omnipresent in his life and hence your friendship like she seems to be. Heck, if she's as lonely as you say she is maybe she might appreciate being 'brought in' to what would've been a private conversation between you and your friend, even if you have to do it begrudgingly. I know that a lot of loneliness tends to come from feeling left out of things.

Good luck! This sounds like a tough situation. I hope it all works out without too much drama or emotional carnage.

 

[Messerve]

I think she meant it semi-playfully but semi-truthfully, which is frustrating because I knew him before her...

Our ages span from late twenties to early forties, so... We're all in different decades and I'm the baby

Yeah, I really don't want it to turn into a hurtful or dramatic thing. I appreciate the feedback.

 

[Sparagmos]

So, I have this friend I've known for awhile and we are decently close friends, though we don't see each other too often... But we keep in touch through fairly regular texting and he's very much like a brother to me.

I met him when he was single, but soon after he had a girlfriend. My friendship with him basically formed at the same time that she was moving in and everything... However, I didn't meet her for awhile.

I've tried to hang out with my friend just one-on-one many times, but it hasn't really gone anywhere even though he seemed to want to. So that confused me...

More recently I have gotten to know his girlfriend, too, and that's where the issue is I think. She's super friendly with me (not in a bad way really) and wants to be my buddy basically. She says she doesn't have many friends, and though she's super possessive of my friend (her boyfriend), she's also super outgoing with me. Sometimes I'll ask a simple question and we end up texting for hours! The whole time I'm nervously wondering what this is doing to my relationship with my actual friend... I've apologized to him about those long conversations, but he's just like "It's fine. No big deal."

I basically have no face-to-face access to my friend unless she allows it. If I seem to imply that I want to hang out with him and don't specifically mention her, then she's hurt and angry. And though I'm fine with getting to know her better, at the rate that's happening I'll soon know her better than my friend, which isn't fair to him at all! I've known him two years longer.

In summary, I feel like I'm being manipulated into being her friend instead of his, like she's trying to be a closer friend to me than us two guys were. But I never wanted that! Yet, if I don't go along with it I pretty much lose all access to him. And also, if I let her have her way, I'm afraid my relationship with him will be damaged regardless because of her habit of texting into the late hours of night... He says he doesn't care, but how can he not?

Help? Does that make sense? Has anyone ever had a weird situation like this?

I'm especially interested in hearing a woman's perspective... Is this some kind of manipulation to destroy us guys' friendship so she can have 100% of his time to herself? Or does it sound like she's just super outgoing and maybe a little lonely?

I would get out of this situation quickly. It’s not appropriate. You haven’t done anything wrong, but she sounds very troubled. Will he not meet you somewhere without her? Because I agree with other posters that you should have a direct conversation about it with him. That’s my woman’s perspective

 

[Messerve]

Well, he works a ridiculous schedule so that's another issue. He just doesn't have much free time ever. I haven't asked him to meet alone yet, for fear that may make her angry and I may never see him again... But I'm going to try to bring it up somehow.