The Excuse Game

[Quid est Veritas?]

I really can't. People call me a fruitcake all the time, and one really can't indulge in cannibalism.

Go ahead. Make my day.

 

[Chesterton]

I'm going to have to demur. Every time someone asks me to make their day I get shot in the face with a .44 magnum. It's getting old.

♪ Come tiptoe through the tulips with me. ♫

 

[( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)]

I certainly cannot. You have not declared to me what atrocious tuneage would be played throughout our romp. Plus, I am especially susceptible to allergies this time of year, though the flowers look splendidly beautiful.

Fiddle me timbers

 

[Chesterton]

I don't know what that means and I don't think I want to.

Get a tattoo of my face on your face.

 

[( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)]

Sorry, such advertisement space is far beyond your level.

Wash my dishes.

 

[Chesterton]

It's a widely held common misconception that you can ask me to wash your dishes.

Tie me kangaroo down.

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

Oh no, next you'll ask me to watch your wallabies while they feed. Give an inch, and they'll take a kilometer.

Stay up till midnight, so I don't have to.

 

[Chesterton]

Sure, I'll be happy to stay up till your midnight for you, which is about my lunchtime. You owe me a favor.

Buy me some fireworks.

 

[LaSorcia]

You're down to 6 fingers and 1 ear and you still want more fireworks? I'm calling to have you involuntarily committed instead.

Please visit Chesterton in the hospital.

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

I can't. People know me there. I'd really not let them on that I associate with the like of Chesterton.

Stop making those plastic dinosaurs fight each other.

 

[Chesterton]

Oh come on. I can't afford TV or internet. I've got to do something for entertainment. And when I make my kids fight each other Child Protective Services tries to take them away.

Help me conduct a seance.

 

[LaSorcia]

I would but I sold my crystal ball, bangle bracelets and turban at my garage sale.


I really think you should begin using KJV only.

 

[( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)]

I left that ignorance and legalism years ago. Why are you trying to force me into old English bondage?

Lookie here

 

[Chesterton]

I seem to have misplaced my bifocals.

Help me pull off a great train robbery.

 

[Matthew-59]

I can't right now, my liver itches.

Take the dog out for a pee-pee.

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

Take a dog for a walk, see a man about a dog, take a dog out for a pee pee... I can't keep up with all these confounded metaphors and euphemisms.

Speak plainly.

 

[Chesterton]

I can either speak plainly, or continue to speak with my mouth stuffed full of Cheetos. I'm going with the Cheetos.

I need a 7:00 a.m. wake-up call.

 

[LaSorcia]

I won't call. I'm bigoted against Cheeto eaters.

You should really workout more. More, as in once, ever.

 

[Chesterton]

My doctor advised against it. Said I was "too healthy". And "too good looking". And some other stuff. I think he likes me.

Help me find a new doctor.

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

Why do you keep seeing doctorates in Astrophysics and Economics about your prostate anyway? What really disturbs me is that they keep seeing you...

How now, brown cow?