Good Day,
I am Blackjeaned67, and I am MillionPieces' DH.
My bride has asked me to come into this thread and try to explain what was it that made me turn around. There is no easy answer to this question. There is no one singular thing that made me turn, but a combination of a few things and a final swift kick in the butt by the God that created me.
Please allow me a bit of back ground filler here, maybe it'll make sense (or maybe it'll seem like excuses to some--no matter). This might be a good time to make a potty run, get something to drink or eat, or both. It's a long story, but I'll abbreviate much of it.
MP and I have been married coming up on our 20th Anniversary mid-March, and we've been together since 1987. We've had a rather rough go of it from the start, but being together is something we truly felt that God wanted. God took a simple farmboy with a huge capacity to love, and paired him up with a troubled abused young woman who needed to be shown what true love was. MP maybe hasn't said it anywhere, and forgive me, love, if I'm spilling things I shouldn't say, but it's part of our story... MP is an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse at the hands of her father. When we met in Bible school, she became my desire, and my project to save (wrongly) all at the same time. I felt called to love her, woo her, rescue her, and protect her. For as much as she was a project and rescue mission, I did honestly love her. She was my light, my joy, my heart, my happiness, my very reason for being, my completion. I couldn't have asked for more.
I got more. While engaged, she had a one night stand and a brief friendship with a Parisian Frenchman (if I remember this right), but held onto that secret for a few months until she couldn't hold it in anymore and confessed. That drove a deep stake into my heart, as I'd never felt that level of hurt before--but God asked me to forgive her and move on, to love her and help her get through this as I'd done with helping her get away from her father. So I did. I buried my feelings, my hurt, essentially denied their existance, and moved on. I got to be very good at burying my hurt under many many layers. I focused on MP and our marriage and did my best to be the most loyal supportive husband I could possibly be.
We did everything together, went everywhere together, built dreams together. Over this time, however, I began to exercise a bit more subtle control over MP, guiding her in what I thought, what I wanted, so eventually she'd think like me. I would look to her for guidance on things, and she'd have no answer many times, so I started to look outside my marriage for wisdom and advice to the problems we couldn't/I couldn't solve. While this was going on, I was struggling with my place in this world, God's will for me, for us, our ministry. Oh, man, we'd been told, what an awesome ministry we could have if we could get well and solid and be able to work with other abused people and give them strength and encouragement. We had good intentions, just not very good execution.
In this time, after failed attempts at career development, and other educational opportunities, we decided to go back to Bible school, I'd been called to be a Pastor, and I was going to fulfill that calling. While there, we had our eldest son and daughter. But, a former instructor of mine back in 87 had predicted that I'd never really amount to much in a ministry as I had an issue with submitting to the Lordship of Christ. It really served to bite me in the behind during this 4 years of Bible School. I had been blessed with a wonderful understanding of the Word and an ability to preach/teach, but my submission lacked. I grew proud, overconfident, arrogant. I left Bible school 4 courses short of my full Pastoral BRE (Bach. of Religious Education), desiring to have a pastoral ministry and on fire for God, but floundering already as a father and a husband. 11 months of working and struggling to get finances going to start paying off a mountain of debt started to take it's toll, and I dragged my wife and two kids to southeast Saskatchewan to try ministry and be closer to her family.
Poverty does wierd things. Causes stress, frustration, isolation. MP had begun to slip into a depression I didn't see nor understand it as such. I couldn't figure out why she wasn't living up to the kind of wife I wanted, needed, expected. As we know now, it was a huge post partum depression after the birth of our daughter, but at the time, I interpreted it as laziness, slothfulness, insubordination. I saw her as bringing us down in more ways than one. I loved her more, as I was able to. Oh man, I poured 110% of me into her to try and bring her around. She wasn't responding as i'd wanted her to.
And I retreated further from her in all this. I didn't understand it, and I retreated more still. We got online while out in Saskatchewan, and I started to find friends online that supported me, encouraged me, built me up, appreciated me... all the things she wasn't doing, they were. And I had my first online affair. Foolish me, didn't know enough about computers to hide evidence, MP found my chat logs and confronted me. I went offline for about 6 months and focused on us, on the marriage, my ministry, presenting a Godly front to the family. (understand that all this time, I was presenting a Godly face to the family, I was mr. superspiritual on the outside, while being captain poopypants inside, mr. selfpity oh so hard done by.) One of my first online contacts that I made after being allowed back online by MP got me to think of myself as an entity to myself, to not think of MP and I as one anymore. That was the beginning of my end. And more came who encouraged me to be my own man, to not disappear into the marriage so much. And then the memories started to re-surface about her affair. The one I thought I'd dealt with.
Oh, incidently? That one I started chatting with would eventually become my first physical affair.
Fast forward several years. By now, we've moved a few times, I've held jobs I never wanted to have, experienced new lows I never wanted, MP managed to have a non-viable pregnancy and miscarried, and then finally our final child. We're back in Alberta, I'm making okay money, working our way out of debt. MP's home with the kids as we agreed, but she's overspending, not keeping house... not living up at all to my expectations. (And my memory keeps throwing her affair at me.)
Discussions are dead ends, she's further depressed and not feeling loved/valued/needed, and I'm feeling neglected, rejected, and generally angry that I seem to have a 4th child. Again, I've encircled myself with more friends who support me, give me the whole "you poor dear, let me make it better". In this time, the woman I've had my first affair with has become my best friend and strongest voice to leave, while another woman I started chatting with from Australia has become the second strongest voice to leave. I'm feeling miserable, angry, disgusted that my marriage has all but fallen apart....and I'm feeling it's all MP's fault, that it wasn't my doing. And all the while, that memory keeps picking at my butt, getting worse, stronger, and more prevalent in my mind. She hurt me, I hurt her with my affair (online and physical), but yet, I felt strangely guilty, and couldn't tell her about it, so I buried it. I lied to cover it. Many lies.
Fast forward again to November 08. I'm falling apart because I've got a few affairs going on, more like one after another. One, I'm very tempted to walk away from my family for, another was a good time, and the Aussie friend? I'd fallen into bed with her the previous summer (`07) and wished I'd never done it, cuz she's putting big pressure on me to kick MP out and let her come in and make it all better. The former single young roomie we had that I slept with is also gone out of the house, but just waiting for me to end the marriage so she can come back in and serve me as I should have been served all along. My mind is awash with all this "love" and attention, MP's had it with me, my mind and life is falling apart rapidly....
Can we say, "Damascus Road Experience"?
As MP said, there was a sermon given that God spoke right into my heart. In between my fragmented thoughts and selfish desires, He blew a soft breath in and cleared enough of the fragment so hit home. The stark contrast of the woman caught in adultery, the mere act was punishable by death for both parties, and the Pharisees excused the man to make their point. They overlooked the entire law to bend one law to catch Jesus. And He put it back on them that whoever is without sin, cast the first stone. Nobody did, because everyone was guilty. I was guilty. I'd bent the rules to suit my purposes all along. I was no better than they were.
In the meantime, MP's gotten help from someone online to break into my laptop and gather all the evidence she needs to prove I'm an adulterer, and she's not going to lay down and take it any more. My stress level is through the roof, drinking isn't helping me to deal with it, I'm falling apart and heading fast for a mental breakdown. My job is suffering greatly, I'm not fooling anyone anymore but myself. and I found myself wishing I was back running a wireline truck, maybe an accident would happen where I'd be seriously injured and die...
Then God goes, "Sheldon, have you had enough?"
I stopped, and He asked, "Sheldon, have YOU had enough?"
Yes, God. I've had enough. I can't do this anymore. I don't know what's real anymore, I don't know what I know. I don't know who I am, I don't know where I'm going, I don't like me, I hate my family, I hate my wife, I hate my job, I hate my house, I wish I was never born, why am I here? Can't I just die and leave them all my insurance money? Wouldn't that be easier? Nobody loves me, nobody would care if I was gone, so i might as well go and be with someone else. Why is this happening to me?
"Because you brought this on yourself, my son. I can heal you if you want. I can save your marriage, if you want. I don't want to see you hurting anymore. I don't want to see [MP] hurt anymore. I don't want you to hurt her anymore. I don't want you to hurt your kids anymore. Aren't you tired of the lies, the cheating, the not knowing what the truth is? Don't you want to be free?"
Yes God, I want to be free. I don't know what's truth anymore. I've told so many lies, I believe my own lies. I'm lost. I hurt... oh God, I hurt so bad. She hurt me, I wanted to hurt her back, and I've only succeeded in hurting everyone I loved. What do I do now?
"Confess your sins to [MP] and start the process. You are afraid you'll lose everything, but you have nothing, Sheldon. You've already lost it all, it's Mine, and I have it in My hands, and I will care for them Myself. I'd rather you do it, but I will if I have to. Confess, repent, and you will be free. Would you like to be free?"
Oh, GOD, I want to be free! So Free!!
So, MP hit me with the evidence she found, and I confessed the easy stuff. Between November 11 and the first week in January, I surrendered to God whole heartedly, completely, heart and mind and body and soul, and I confessed my last affair. What FREEDOM I felt!!! Oh man, the stress was gone from my mind, the lies were no longer there, I knew what the truth was, I know what the truth is, I know WHO the Truth is!! Confession enabled God to reboot my mind and heart and give me complete and utter disgust for what I'd done to MP for so long. My heart broke, I cried like a baby over all the hurt I'd caused her. He's wiped my mind clean of the memories, the lies, the details. I know I've had affairs, I know who I had them with and why, but I don't remember any of the illicit details and I don't have the feeling of loss with them.
God has refilled my mind and heart with a pure, unadulterated, honest love for MP. She IS my life, my light, my heart, my joy. I have my life back. I have my love back. I love the feeling of her arms around me every day, I love the feeling of her hair in my face when we hug and cuddle. I love the smile she gives me to make me smile--and it still works after 22 years!!! I love her beautiful blue eyes, her cute button nose, she's beautiful beyond compare.
My GOD is so big, so wise, so loving, so compassionate, so merciful, so righteous, so forgiving. He could have taken His gift to me away and not given them back because I mistreated them so badly. I honestly believe had my heart not said Yes GOD, I give in, He would have kept them from me. God is so wonderful. He is so Powerful. I know who I am in Him, I know I belong to Him. I know I've been redeemed by Him. He has refilled me and set me on my feet again. My dirty clothes, He's washed clean and made new again. My mind is reset, refilled with His word and understanding, my heart overflows with love and respect for my wife. I am new. I am reborn. I am redeemed, and I am humbled. I don't deserve any of this, and yet, I get it all. God is great!!!
I humbly submit myself to my wife. I have a pastor and elder in our church that I make myself responsible to on a regular basis, and we meet with our Lead Pastor every other week. I will honor her with my friends. I give her access to my facebook page, my emails, my chat logs, anything she wants to look over if she's doubting me. I know MP doubts me from time to time. She's like most people, blown away that I can go 200 mph toward divorce and want out, hit the wall God set there, and go 300 mph back in the right direction. I'M blown away by it! I don't understand it, but I believe it, I accept it, I cherish it. God has all the Power, Glory, Honor, Praise in this situation. HE is proof positive that when we give ourselves over to Him for restoration with a sincere willing heart, He can change us.
MP said she feels a bit inadequate at times when she sees what He's done in me. "Vastly inadequate" is what she said; she feels like she's freefalling and is scared of the landing.
MP, don't worry about the fall, don't worry about the landing. Enjoy the flight. HE's got you!!! HE will carry you and set your feet on the ground so you don't hurt your feet at all, you just have to trust!! Let Him come in and change you, heal you, clean you off and set you free!
I want to ask each one who reads this to keep praying for MP and I. We still need prayers. But pray also for everyone who may post on this thread, for everyone who reads it. The world needs hope, the world needs healing. God is the Hope, He is the Healer. Much can be accomplished if we Let Go, and Let God!!
Amen!
Thank you Jesus!!