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The Eclipse – What They’re Not Telling You!!!!!
Leaked ‘Top Secret’ minutes from past sessions of the Senate Intelligence Committee indicate that Americans have been kept in the dark about the likely catastrophic impact of the Solar Eclipse due on Monday.
Confidential Technical Advice received by the Committee indicates that the sudden cooling along the path of the Eclipse will result in a local contraction of the Earth’s crust and the near certainty of a major crack developing along a rough North West/South East continent wide diagonal, effectively splitting America in two.
The Report goes further. A now free-floating South Western U.S.A. will put pressure on the southern connection with the rest of the Americas. As a result South West U.S.A will snap off at the Mexican border along a line of crustal weakness created by the repeated ramming of millions of border fence posts. South Western America will then float, unhindered, out into the Pacific Ocean. Under the combined influence of the Von Humboldt Current, El Nino, the Earth’s Rotation and prevailing winds, the now Disunited States of America will voyage in a wide Pacific arc before heading north for a landfall on the Russian coast narrowly missing Japan.
Dire as this may sound citizens are advised not to panic - America Is Prepared!
Several years ago, in a Highly Secret Project, the U.S. Government tasked NASA with the job of constructing a huge aircraft which has been described as ‘a giant toothpaste tube with wings’. The aircraft, affectionately nicknamed ‘The Flying Tube’, will be filled with Super Glue and tasked with flying along the line of the eclipse and infilling the newly emerging Great Crack with Glue to prevent further separation. Scientists are confident that the joint will hold providing it is left to set for five minutes in a warm dry place.
An anonymous NASA source provided some insight into the technical difficulties involved in developing and constructing the unique aircraft.
Leaked ‘Top Secret’ minutes from past sessions of the Senate Intelligence Committee indicate that Americans have been kept in the dark about the likely catastrophic impact of the Solar Eclipse due on Monday.
Confidential Technical Advice received by the Committee indicates that the sudden cooling along the path of the Eclipse will result in a local contraction of the Earth’s crust and the near certainty of a major crack developing along a rough North West/South East continent wide diagonal, effectively splitting America in two.
The Report goes further. A now free-floating South Western U.S.A. will put pressure on the southern connection with the rest of the Americas. As a result South West U.S.A will snap off at the Mexican border along a line of crustal weakness created by the repeated ramming of millions of border fence posts. South Western America will then float, unhindered, out into the Pacific Ocean. Under the combined influence of the Von Humboldt Current, El Nino, the Earth’s Rotation and prevailing winds, the now Disunited States of America will voyage in a wide Pacific arc before heading north for a landfall on the Russian coast narrowly missing Japan.
Dire as this may sound citizens are advised not to panic - America Is Prepared!
Several years ago, in a Highly Secret Project, the U.S. Government tasked NASA with the job of constructing a huge aircraft which has been described as ‘a giant toothpaste tube with wings’. The aircraft, affectionately nicknamed ‘The Flying Tube’, will be filled with Super Glue and tasked with flying along the line of the eclipse and infilling the newly emerging Great Crack with Glue to prevent further separation. Scientists are confident that the joint will hold providing it is left to set for five minutes in a warm dry place.
An anonymous NASA source provided some insight into the technical difficulties involved in developing and constructing the unique aircraft.
“Finding a way to squeeze the tube was something we solved fairly early in the piece. The real problem was figuring out how to unscrew the cap in mid-flight, reverse it and then use the pointy bit, on the top of the cap, to break the seal. Thanks to American Ingenuity and some brilliant engineering we eventually overcame this obstacle. Unfortunately we ran short of time to add a facility to Replace Cap Tightly After Use. This means that The Tube’s flight crew will only get one shot at gluing the Crack.”
In the highly unlikely event that gluing is unsuccessful and half the U.S. ends up in Russia, federal authorities have secretly stockpiled bulk supplies of furry hats with built in earflaps.
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