The Coffee Shop (7)

[bumblebee62331]

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[LovesEnduringPromise]

Hellloooo...already a new thread
Kerin, Im alright...struggling ATM. Yesterday before church I was getting ready and putting my clothes on whilst looking in the mirror, bad thing to do!! Anyways....I couldnt handle it, I couldnt take looking at myself I started to cry and DH walked in and asked what was wrong...and I told him...."I have the biggest hips ever"....he was so shocked...I think it hit him that it really is a ##/# thing and not something I only have a problem with when food is in front of me....he was being real supportive yesterday...but since yestterday Ive already decided that I have to lose more weight...I have to.....I dont feel thin enough either...and sometimes I get crazy ideas in my head that my DH doesnt think I have an ED either b/c I dont look thin enough....I KNOW he doesnt...but that thought enters my mind. UGH
Its such a struggle...and what I am eating its very healthy and low calorie. Everything is so triggering today....even the slightest look in the mirror, the way my body sounds walking on the floor...and the thump of it when I run...I cant handle it....I just want to be thinner than ever before....

 

[Arianna]

I feel like a fraud for being here sometimes. I'm not overweight, but I'm not really skinny (at least I don't think so) and I do eat. But then I get caught up inside my head and I know that it goes a lot deeper than just a size. And I really appreciated your sig, it's how I've always felt.

I shouldn't be here posting in this thread - and really should go away. There used to be other people here who struggle with SI rather than ED - but not anymore....and this is in the ED forum- so I am just a gatecrasher.
I really should go away.

What's wrong dear?

sorry .. i wasn't having a great night... I went and retreived my blades from where I had hidden them from myself.......which I guess wasn't a particularly great plan. I know i'm being really stupid, but I really miss SI, i think it would make me feel in control...

Sorry :-( that was a long moan :-(

for everyone

Sabrina

xxxx
(Yes, I do have a hammy April - She is good thanks - how is Molly?)

 

[MyaShane]

Hellloooo...already a new thread
Kerin, Im alright...struggling ATM. Yesterday before church I was getting ready and putting my clothes on whilst looking in the mirror, bad thing to do!! Anyways....I couldnt handle it, I couldnt take looking at myself I started to cry and DH walked in and asked what was wrong...and I told him...."I have the biggest hips ever"....he was so shocked...I think it hit him that it really is a ##/# thing and not something I only have a problem with when food is in front of me....he was being real supportive yesterday...but since yestterday Ive already decided that I have to lose more weight...I have to.....I dont feel thin enough either...and sometimes I get crazy ideas in my head that my DH doesnt think I have an ED either b/c I dont look thin enough....I KNOW he doesnt...but that thought enters my mind. UGH
Its such a struggle...and what I am eating its very healthy and low calorie. Everything is so triggering today....even the slightest look in the mirror, the way my body sounds walking on the floor...and the thump of it when I run...I cant handle it....I just want to be thinner than ever before....

It's never enough though Sabrina that's the problem, right? Where do we stop once we get started losing the weight we think we need to lose? You'll just be chasing after something you'll never get to and it's just so dangerous! We might never get to the place where we're happy with our weights, but we do have to get to where we decide if we're going to accept it and be healthy. THAT'S easier said than done, I know!! I think it helps to find something that makes you want to get better more than wanting to continue on the same path with the ED. For me, it was my kids. They were the turning point for me. I didn't want to have them see mommy struggling with not eating and constantly dieting and not being a good example (especially since they're girls!). Do you have something to keep you focused on getting better? Lots of hugs and prayers!!!!

 

[MyaShane]

I shouldn't be here posting in this thread - and really should go away. There used to be other people here who struggle with SI rather than ED - but not anymore....and this is in the ED forum- so I am just a gatecrasher.
I really should go away.


sorry .. i wasn't having a great night... I went and retreived my blades from where I had hidden them from myself.......which I guess wasn't a particularly great plan. I know i'm being really stupid, but I really miss SI, i think it would make me feel in control...

Sorry :-( that was a long moan :-(

for everyone

Sabrina

xxxx
(Yes, I do have a hammy April - She is good thanks - how is Molly?)

Ari, if anything we're not an exclusive club here. If this is where you feel comfortable and loved and you get help here, please stay. I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling again with the SI. If you want to talk about it here, then feel free, we're open to anything.

 

[katey]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((everyone)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))



hope everyones doing ok tonight(or wotever time of day it is for you)

no one has to leave at all were all here for support, and thats wot we give each other be it Ed related, si related or just general advice and its a great place.


iam sorry am not great at advice giving at the minute but i'm thinking of everyone. and once i'm a bit more settled tonight i might b e a bit more help. i'm just going to sit in the corner out the way for a while.

Katey thanks april for the drink and appreciates arnold sharing the pastry with her but cant face it right now. she goes and sit by the open fire with a blanket and just stares into space

 

[Arianna]

thanks Kerin and Katey - You are both lovely.
I'm really sorry for being so useless in so many ways.

 

[katey]

your welcoem hun thats wot were here for, and your not useless at all

 

[LovesEnduringPromise]

It's never enough though Sabrina that's the problem, right? Where do we stop once we get started losing the weight we think we need to lose? You'll just be chasing after something you'll never get to and it's just so dangerous! We might never get to the place where we're happy with our weights, but we do have to get to where we decide if we're going to accept it and be healthy. THAT'S easier said than done, I know!! I think it helps to find something that makes you want to get better more than wanting to continue on the same path with the ED. For me, it was my kids. They were the turning point for me. I didn't want to have them see mommy struggling with not eating and constantly dieting and not being a good example (especially since they're girls!). Do you have something to keep you focused on getting better? Lots of hugs and prayers!!!!

Hey Kerin. How are you?
I know I will continue down that path until I ultimately pass out, die, or something go wrong...and yet I still wont see it....and I KNOW THAT...I know no matter what weight I will still not think I am good enough....but YET I still feel this huge urge to keep going...I say to myself just # more # thinner and you will be perfect and you will be cured b/c you will have reached your goal....ugh
Its sooo confusing!
At times, I wanted kids too...I thought it would cure me....but I dont know....I also dont think I am as strong as you...you just seem so strong when it comes to your children....and I want to be like that too...I want to be strong...and prepare for a day when I have a child...I dont want them to have to go through this...I WANT to get better...I want to zap these thoughts out of my mind right now....but yet they remain.....and Im scared to change...scared to gain weight...just horrified....I dont know what to do, think, act.....
Im even letting this get me so far down that I am not taking a job b/c of my eating disorder....Im just so afraid of change.....I sometimes dont realize what I am doing is edging my ED on....Im allowing it to take me over....its frustrating....
You asked if I had something to focus on...well writing my book...and it makes me feel accomplished...but I dont know....maybe Im not trying hard enough at it ...Im still lurking around my disease...and it seems most important nbow...but I dont want it to be...God supposed to be...my DH is supposed to be...and my family......I hate this disorder.....

 

[MyaShane]

Sabrina, everything you’ve said makes sense, well sense in that I’ve been in that place exactly. It was never numbers for me either, it was a look I was striving for and I think that can be the most dangerous of all, you know, because in this ED our self images are so skewed that we don’t see ourselves as we really are. It is confusing; it’s such an awful trap!

I don’t know how strong I am really. I feel like I’m pretty full of it most of the time to be honest. If you only knew what I went through every day when I was pregnant with the weight gain and extreme hunger and knowing I had to up my caloric intake for the baby. I feel like I failed all the time with it and that I was mostly really selfish. Having to get weighed all the time and seeing those numbers (the highest I had ever seen in my life!!)….it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, and the most rewarding! I didn’t even enjoy my pregnancies and that makes me feel really bad now because I’m done and I don’t get that time back.

It is scary to change, I understand that. What’s the alternative though? Praying for you!!

 

[LovesEnduringPromise]

Aw gosh Kerin hearing you say that about your pregnancy is already what I am going through thinking about ever being pregnant...and I am not going to anytime soon...but it scares me....scares me to see myself gaining weight...having my stomach grow....hoping and praying my husband will still be attracted to me( I KNOW he will, its just a mind game...my Dh loves me so much)...its so silly...and so scary....and selfish when I think of it...but still the thoughts linger...its so weird...and sometimes I dont even understand myself where I cant really say what I feel in words...b/c its just jumbled up...
The alternative is to be healthy, to be worry free over your weight and enjoy life to the fullest,...and eat foods you love..and find accomplishment through love for God and his people....I do do that....but this other thing is nagging at me constantly...I really dont know how to get rid of it......I try so hard to pray and talk to God...I talk to my Dh about it....Im writing a book...I have a great family....I have alot of things....I know Im smart in all other areas but this....and yet I still feel the need to be this way.....gosh.....I dont know what to say really b/c im lost.

 

[katey]

hugs to everyone today hope your all doing ok.

i'm sat with an extra jumper and pair of socks on right now its really cold.

i have to make a decision in the next t# days wot i'm going to tell my doc on friday. hes doing another ED assessemtn to see how things are going and am not looking forward to it. but do i tell him i'm ok or do i tell him the truth i kno wich is the right thing to do logically but will it help me..................really help me????/

 

[Arianna]

I'm freezing too Katey, brrrr brrrrr.... i think it is supposed to be getting colder too - Are you going to get snow there?

Katey , I think it is really worth telling him what it is actually going on

Sabrina

 

[Soulwings]

Ari, first off, you are NOT useless, and you are very, very welcome here! (In fact, I love seeing you around, since you are always cheerfullifying, even if stuff in your life isn't going great - you've been so supportive of me, and I can't thank you enough. ) So yes. Let's hear no more of that talk, young lady And Molly is doing quite well, being her same old cute and fluffy self. I should get some photos sometime. Oh, what's your hammy's name? I remember that you were having difficulty finding names awhile back!!

Katey, I hope that you manage to tell your doctor the truth. He needs to hear it, and you need all the help that you can get. We all do. Everyone does. You deserve the help, and hopefully can get it.

Sabrina, Kerin... I have to admit that I am terrified of being pregnant. I'm not planning on ever having a family but I still think about it... gaining weight... getting bigger... having to buy new clothes... I could NOT handle it. And I am not even that attracted to kids. I really am not. Bleh. Just me, I'm different I suppose. Not that I can't recognise cute when I see it, it's just that I don't want any "for me." If that makes sense. And Jarrod is okay with that. (It's funny how upset I can get when it comes to the topic of kids.)

Sabrina, thanks for the pictures comment. It was very sweet! *hugs*

I am so out of it today. But my huge long nasty presentation is over with, and apparently the prof doesn't grade mad hard, so we "did just fine!" YEY!

 

[katey]

Ari, hope youve warmed up a bit i've just got out a nice warm bath n didnt want to get coz yeah its gotten really cold here aswell. it was on the fdorcast we were getting snow but i think i stopped listening to that a while ago. lol never mind will have # see what happens i suppose.

thanks, i think i know i should be honest with him and stuff, its just the scary side of it all coz i've been honest before and felt out of control and then tried to make out it wasnt as bad. but i know things arent going to well and so do other people even if i'm not telling them, and managing to hide most of it pretty well(other than the large weight loss part!) they can tell. they picked up on it loads last time i was in hospital last month and people have just been on at me sicne then. if i'm honest things r starting to get out of control, (ok ok, are out on my control )



Katey needs sumwhere warm and cosy to sit for a while to think and try and sort things out in her head

 

[Soulwings]

Katey. I'm sorry to hear that things are going so badly for you, beautiful. You really need to talk to your doctor about this because you really do need help, even moreso because things are going poorly now. Please be honest. It'll pay off in the long run, it really will.

I wonder sometimes how people think of me when they read my blog on here. Am I "one of the freaks that has an ED"? (Not that I'm saying that any of us are freaks, mind you, but it's just what I've picked up on over the years, the views on EDs and other mental issues.)

Bleh.

I am going to be so glad when today is completely over!!

/me hugs Katey and gets her another decaf chai.

 

[Arianna]

Thanks April you are lovely.

I've warmed up now thanks Katey I had to take a bath, I was so cold!

How is everyone today?
I think I'll make some hot choc
xxx

 

[MyaShane]

I'm sending you some snow Ari. We have plenty and it's not going anywhere any time soon apparently.


I'm steeping some green tea and hiding out in CF avoiding doing some homework. My focus is way out of whack this semster!

 

[Soulwings]

I am feeling quite fat right now... I ate a "normal" meal and my parents and Jarrod are telling me that it was fine, but... you know how our minds tend to work. "Normal" = fat. "Healthy" = fat. That's just the way it goes, sadly.

I'm letting myself be rewarded by a time on CF since I just got done with one of my nutrition labs. Thank goodness for places to take breaks from schoolwork!

Ari. How are you today??

And Kerin, Katey, how are you two? and has anyone seen Bec or Lindz lately? I missed a lot of stuff while I was gone I guess!! And has tn been around at all while I was MIA?

Whew. I am so exhausted. This semester is dragging its feet so badly, and I just need time to sit back and RELAX without deadlines hovering over my head all the time. It really, really sucks. But I think that all of you who are in uni or who have been through it know what I mean. Heh.

/me snuggles up with Arnold to read a FUN BOOK! not a textbook. Hoorah!........

 

[katey]

well done April
a break from things is sumtimes a really good thing coz its gives you mind a little bit of a breather. (esp a break from school work thats just an added bonus i thinks)

i've not seen lindz or Bec around on here for a while lindz i think has been on facebook recently though.

i'm not good i had an appoinemtn with my community nurse today in prep for my assessemnt on fri n it didnt go # well apart from me breaking down into tears n just letting it out it was already going bad before i did that. but hey these things happen right..........................

enjoy reading your FUN book april and arnold.

Ari its not snowed here its just freezing cold instead and windy.