The Church's Problem with Singleness

[HisPrincess710]

This is just something that's been really bothering me lately regarding a so-called "gift of singleness." I understand that there a plenty of people who are happy being single, but a great many more are not. They would like to be married (including myself) yet most churches are doing little to nothing to help them along with that. If man was designed to be content in God alone, Eve would not have been necessary.

The bible never teaches that there's a gift of singleness. There is a gift of celibacy, but that's completely different. People with this gift do not have any desire to marry and are perfectly fine being single. Moreover, this gift is rare. Furthermore, Christians in other countries like India believe everyone is called to marry unless specifically called by God not to.

I hate to burst everyone's bubble, but apparently most people don't realize that most of us are not meant to endure 10-20+ years of temptation. There is a reason our sex drive is at its highest in our twenties and thirties. Instead of watering down the truth, why not teach what the bible says? The cure to sexual temptation is marriage.

And yet, we're told we singles are on our own. Well, if you're going to teach us to save ourselves for marriage, why not help set us up? I've heard people say we can live without marriage. That may be true for an individual, but not for society at large. Society needs marriage. And when we have healthy marriages, we have healthier people.

 

[-Luca]

Proceeding through marriage just to aid against sexual temptation? That is hardly going to last and we cannot just marry any old body. This is somewhat complicated which is why we should put our faith in God, he will reward us as he sees fit.

 

[Cearbhall]

Meh, most churches have programming where people can get to know each other, even if it's not for that specific purpose. If a church doesn't have enough programming or doesn't attract many young people, then try a different one. I personally don't hold churches responsible for finding partners for their members.

 

[HisPrincess710]

It just annoys me that American christianity is bemoaning the state of marriage yet aren't doing much about it. The fact is, marriage has always been a given in every society. This is probably the only time in history where it has not been, and we're already paying the consequences.

 

[NurseAbigail]

this thread i feel best fits to be transferred to the single's section of forums, i think you'll get more replies and insights there

 

[faroukfarouk]

this thread i feel best fits to be transferred to the single's section of forums, i think you'll get more replies and insights there

We can bear in mind also that so many Christians who have served overseas as missionaries have been single.

 

[CRAZY_CAT_WOMAN]

It just annoys me that American christianity is bemoaning the state of marriage yet aren't doing much about it. The fact is, marriage has always been a given in every society. This is probably the only time in history where it has not been, and we're already paying the consequences.

The only consequences of younger people not getting married, I see. Is less divorces .

 

[JCFantasy23]

Just curious, but what are some ideas of what you want churches to do to help out?

 

[Sketcher]

I hate to burst everyone's bubble, but apparently most people don't realize that most of us are not meant to endure 10-20+ years of temptation. There is a reason our sex drive is at its highest in our twenties and thirties. Instead of watering down the truth, why not teach what the bible says? The cure to sexual temptation is marriage.

If it were that simple, then adultery wouldn't be a thing. Marriage provides a legitimate outlet for expressing sexual desires, but it also comes with a need to give and to forgive. It requires a lifetime of giving yourself up for another person.

And yet, we're told we singles are on our own. Well, if you're going to teach us to save ourselves for marriage, why not help set us up? I've heard people say we can live without marriage. That may be true for an individual, but not for society at large. Society needs marriage. And when we have healthy marriages, we have healthier people.

There's lots of well-intentioned, but contradictory advice to that end.

It just annoys me that American christianity is bemoaning the state of marriage yet aren't doing much about it. The fact is, marriage has always been a given in every society. This is probably the only time in history where it has not been, and we're already paying the consequences.

Does it? My church is American, and it produced a nation-wide ministry dedicated to improving/resurrecting marriages. It has classes for divorce care to help move people to forgiveness, and young marrieds so that they won't have to go through the divorce care. Pre-marital counseling is required of people that get married there.

 

[PsychoSarah]

This is just something that's been really bothering me lately regarding a so-called "gift of singleness." I understand that there a plenty of people who are happy being single, but a great many more are not. They would like to be married (including myself) yet most churches are doing little to nothing to help them along with that. If man was designed to be content in God alone, Eve would not have been necessary.

-_- your church doesn't exist to play matchmaker.

The bible never teaches that there's a gift of singleness. There is a gift of celibacy, but that's completely different. People with this gift do not have any desire to marry and are perfectly fine being single. Moreover, this gift is rare. Furthermore, Christians in other countries like India believe everyone is called to marry unless specifically called by God not to.

I hate to burst everyone's bubble, but apparently most people don't realize that most of us are not meant to endure 10-20+ years of temptation. There is a reason our sex drive is at its highest in our twenties and thirties. Instead of watering down the truth, why not teach what the bible says? The cure to sexual temptation is marriage.

Pfft, the amount of adultery would suggest otherwise.

And yet, we're told we singles are on our own. Well, if you're going to teach us to save ourselves for marriage, why not help set us up? I've heard people say we can live without marriage. That may be true for an individual, but not for society at large. Society needs marriage. And when we have healthy marriages, we have healthier people.

XD XD XD I am literally autistic and without even trying, ended up engaged before the age of 22. You'd have to be a social hermit or have ridiculous standards to not be able to find someone.

 

[Dave-W]

Proceeding through marriage just to aid against sexual temptation?

Is that not what Paul taught?

1 Cor 7.2 But because of immoralities, each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband. 3 The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband.​

This is written as a command, not a suggestion. In many places Paul tells us to have self-control, and even lists it as part of the Fruit of the Spirit. But that is noticeably absent in his instructions on dealing with sexual frustration.

 

[Dave-W]

We can bear in mind also that so many Christians who have served overseas as missionaries have been single.

And that has a dubious scripturality as well.

 

[-Luca]

Is that not what Paul taught?

1 Cor 7.2 But because of immoralities, each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband. 3 The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband.​

This is written as a command, not a suggestion. In many places Paul tells us to have self-control, and even lists it as part of the Fruit of the Spirit. But that is noticeably absent in his instructions on dealing with sexual frustration.

But what is the point in marriage if it does not mean anything?

You marry someone because you love them and you could not imagine a life without them, a sacred and spiritual bond.

Do you think it is fair that God commands this?

 

[Dave-W]

But what is the point in marriage if it does not mean anything?

Covenant ALWAYS means something.

You marry someone because you love them and you could not imagine a life without them, a sacred and spiritual bond.

That is a very modern (since 1900 ad) concept.

Do you think it is fair that God commands this?

Absolutely. Do you think it is not?

 

[-Luca]

Covenant ALWAYS means something.

That is a very modern (since 1900 ad) concept.

Absolutely. Do you think it is not?

Why does God require us to marry someone before we become intimate with them?

Why would it matter if we are married or not?

So all of those vows, they are all just meaningless?

 

[Dave-W]

Why does God require us to marry someone before we become intimate with them?

Why would it matter if we are married or not?

So all of those vows, they are all just meaningless?

If by "intimate" you mean have sex, It is because there is a linkage forged by having sex with someone, and it is a very deep linkage. Some call it "soul ties" but to my mind, that is somewhat of a misnomer.

1 Corinthians 6:16
Or do you not know that the one who joins himself to a prostitute is one body with her? For He says, “The two shall become one flesh.”​

That is ultimate of non-marital sex. The linkage even occurs there. Without the bonds of covenant, It can cause too much damage both emotionally and spiritually when that relationship is severed.

The vows are meaningless ONLY if you do not mean them.

 

[SPF]

This is just something that's been really bothering me lately regarding a so-called "gift of singleness." I understand that there a plenty of people who are happy being single, but a great many more are not. They would like to be married (including myself) yet most churches are doing little to nothing to help them along with that. If man was designed to be content in God alone, Eve would not have been necessary.

The bible never teaches that there's a gift of singleness. There is a gift of celibacy, but that's completely different. People with this gift do not have any desire to marry and are perfectly fine being single. Moreover, this gift is rare. Furthermore, Christians in other countries like India believe everyone is called to marry unless specifically called by God not to.

I hate to burst everyone's bubble, but apparently most people don't realize that most of us are not meant to endure 10-20+ years of temptation. There is a reason our sex drive is at its highest in our twenties and thirties. Instead of watering down the truth, why not teach what the bible says? The cure to sexual temptation is marriage.

And yet, we're told we singles are on our own. Well, if you're going to teach us to save ourselves for marriage, why not help set us up? I've heard people say we can live without marriage. That may be true for an individual, but not for society at large. Society needs marriage. And when we have healthy marriages, we have healthier people.

I think this is an example of someone taking their personal experience at a local church level and inappropriately applying it to all of Christianity. I think your answer is to find a larger church with a single ministry if you think that the best place for you to find a spouse is at a church.

Granted, you should probably do a study on what the purpose of Church actually is though.

Best thing for you is probably eharmony.

 

[Dave-W]

this thread i feel best fits to be transferred to the single's section of forums, i think you'll get more replies and insights there

I disagree.

The "problem with singleness" has been one created and perpetuated by the married leadership in the various congregations. Without addressing them, the discussion will be fairly fruitless.

 

[$pirit]

I agree that the church seems to ignore the single people. There’s not much guidance on how to deal with lonliness, sexual frustration, or praying about a future marriage. Or why your time is taking longer than others.

I’m 28 and my last relationship was ten years ago. It didn’t last long. I have also been celibate since then and it’s getting harder every year. A few years ago, I brought up my desire for marriage once in my prayer group and was immediately shut down. “Don’t make an idol out of it.” So I’m not allowed to request prayer?

When I need prayer for a new job, bills, healing or whatever else, people are quick to lay hands. The moment a relationship is mentioned I feel very judged and ignored. I used to work at my church and my pastor mentioned how fortunate I was to be single, so I could give more of my time to service. I’m very grateful for how God has used me in the church, but his comment made me sad. I was pouring myself into the church so much at the time partly because I was very unhappy with my single life. I didn’t want to sit at home dwelling on how lonely I was. I’m also at the age where lots of my friends are getting married/engaged. Now I’m nearly 30 with no prospects to speak of. The “gift of singleness” doesn’t always feel like a gift. Sometimes it feels like a prison.

On the other hand, I can look back at my early 20s and honestly say that I’m glad I was single. I would probably be divorced now if I got married then. My relationship with God changed for the better.

Thankfully I still have a few single Christian female friends to confide in. Unfortunately, they feel the same way I do, that they were discouraged from sharing this desire at church. When I get married, I don’t want to forget what it was like for me. No one should be ashamed or embarrassed about it.

 

[Dave-W]

I agree that the church seems to ignore the single people. There’s not much guidance on how to deal with lonliness, sexual frustration, or praying about a future marriage. Or why your time is taking longer than others.

Because the married leadership did not fare well durning their own single years, or were not even believers themselves then.

So all they have are the tired old legalistic ideas that never worked in the first place.

ETA:
Since this is the E&M folder I believe the big M is allowed to be mentioned here.

During my single days any thought of or desire for sex was labeled "lust" and condemned. If you responded to those lustfull desires by masturbting, you were considered demonically possessed. Of course all of the congregational leaders got saved and married in the Jesus movement at about the same time, so they had no personal experience of dealing with hormones as believers over any length of time.

And that IMO is the crux of the matter. The married leaders either had no experience or wish to forget their experience of singleness as a Christian.

Those high school and college years still are a painful memory, even after being married 40 years.