- Dec 12, 2005
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I've gone through fourteen years of marriage in my life, but that does not make me an expert. The fact that I've experienced the devastating effects of divorce, and the emotional fallout of an extremely nasty custody dispute, testifies instead to the fact that I have failed in the past.
I chose not to love.
Please understand, before you condemn me, the circumstances of my divorce. I was secular, unsaved, aware of God in the peripherals of my life...I had a dusty Bible and an even dustier Book of Mormon on my bookshelf! But I wasn't saved; in my mind, God was a choice that I hadn't yet made. And just as in a Christian marriage, abuse and adultery tend to rend the fabric of a family apart. So yes, I failed.
My second marriage is a testament to something different, a different mindset, a different commitment, a diferent set of morals governed by a loving, stern God. And it's this which brings to mind "choosing to love". I invite the married couples here, both newlywed and veterans of the joined rings, to participate and see if it makes a difference in your life.
You see, in my first marriage, I didn't realize that I didn't just "fall" in and out of love...Thoughts, brought about by actions, precipitated each valley and upspike in emotion. At the time, I didn't connect my resentment of him going out partying with my later feelings of inferiority, nor did I connect my despondent feelings with my then-husband's words of belittlement to me. He chose to abuse me in order to have me "submit". I ultimately chose not to love. Now this subject can rest in peace (or pieces).
Fast-forward a few years to my second marriage. Those who know me since I came to this board know that I originally came here with woes regarding my second marriage. I'll be the first to admit, at the time I was tempted throttle the clueless man in his sleep...I felt trapped, hated, unloved again. But through prayer, God pointed out something which should have been very obvious to me...I was choosing, again, not to love. Only this time, it was pre-emptive, rather than responsive. I was taking a man who loved me desperately, and I was treating him like an unwanted dog because I just knew that, sooner or later, he was going to hurt me the way I had been hurt all those years ago.
So, six months ago, I chose to love. It has changed everything, even things that I didn't think would change.
"Choosing to love" is a hard concept. When my husband switched jobs, my first response would normally have been, "Oh, great! we just get health insurance, and you just have to be unhappy again. When are you going to grow up and keep a job like normal humans?" That time, I said, "If you feel this is what you want, and that you will be happier with this new opportunity, then go for it." When he met challenges within the new job, instead of saying "I told you so", I instead expressed belief that he would overcome and be successful. When he was down over his job, instead of saying it was just like every other time, I told him I had faith in his ability to make things better. The result...Instead of him quitting his job (again) after only three months, he was just promoted to general manager of his restaurant after only six months in junior management. His belief in himself has exploded, and it's because someone else believed in him. Who knew that the power of a spouse's words could be so powerful?
It wasn't just there that I changed my attitude. Everyday life, from his finances to his computer-fixing, I quit insulting him, and started supporting him and, where it was required, teaching him. I bit back bitter words, and instead brought forth positive ones.
It's a choice to love.
The result has been astronomical, to say the least. We don't fight bitterly anymore. There's no more power struggles. The love is stronger than it's ever been. We face marital challenges with a new vigor, and we are united so closely that it's beautiful. We still have challenges, and sometimes I still want to throttle him...But the difference is that now, we work through it. He doesn't feel that I despise him, and it has made all the difference in the world to us both.
Love is a choice. I challenge everyone here to, just for a month, try it out. Take the negative things you say to your spouse, and replace it with positivity, love and grace. If you point out your spouse's bad points with vitriol and bitterness, replace it with kindness. Instead of beating down your spouse when failure looms, lift him/her up. I promise, things will change.
It changed for us. Thank you, Lord!
I chose not to love.
Please understand, before you condemn me, the circumstances of my divorce. I was secular, unsaved, aware of God in the peripherals of my life...I had a dusty Bible and an even dustier Book of Mormon on my bookshelf! But I wasn't saved; in my mind, God was a choice that I hadn't yet made. And just as in a Christian marriage, abuse and adultery tend to rend the fabric of a family apart. So yes, I failed.
My second marriage is a testament to something different, a different mindset, a different commitment, a diferent set of morals governed by a loving, stern God. And it's this which brings to mind "choosing to love". I invite the married couples here, both newlywed and veterans of the joined rings, to participate and see if it makes a difference in your life.
You see, in my first marriage, I didn't realize that I didn't just "fall" in and out of love...Thoughts, brought about by actions, precipitated each valley and upspike in emotion. At the time, I didn't connect my resentment of him going out partying with my later feelings of inferiority, nor did I connect my despondent feelings with my then-husband's words of belittlement to me. He chose to abuse me in order to have me "submit". I ultimately chose not to love. Now this subject can rest in peace (or pieces).
Fast-forward a few years to my second marriage. Those who know me since I came to this board know that I originally came here with woes regarding my second marriage. I'll be the first to admit, at the time I was tempted throttle the clueless man in his sleep...I felt trapped, hated, unloved again. But through prayer, God pointed out something which should have been very obvious to me...I was choosing, again, not to love. Only this time, it was pre-emptive, rather than responsive. I was taking a man who loved me desperately, and I was treating him like an unwanted dog because I just knew that, sooner or later, he was going to hurt me the way I had been hurt all those years ago.
So, six months ago, I chose to love. It has changed everything, even things that I didn't think would change.
"Choosing to love" is a hard concept. When my husband switched jobs, my first response would normally have been, "Oh, great! we just get health insurance, and you just have to be unhappy again. When are you going to grow up and keep a job like normal humans?" That time, I said, "If you feel this is what you want, and that you will be happier with this new opportunity, then go for it." When he met challenges within the new job, instead of saying "I told you so", I instead expressed belief that he would overcome and be successful. When he was down over his job, instead of saying it was just like every other time, I told him I had faith in his ability to make things better. The result...Instead of him quitting his job (again) after only three months, he was just promoted to general manager of his restaurant after only six months in junior management. His belief in himself has exploded, and it's because someone else believed in him. Who knew that the power of a spouse's words could be so powerful?
It wasn't just there that I changed my attitude. Everyday life, from his finances to his computer-fixing, I quit insulting him, and started supporting him and, where it was required, teaching him. I bit back bitter words, and instead brought forth positive ones.
It's a choice to love.
The result has been astronomical, to say the least. We don't fight bitterly anymore. There's no more power struggles. The love is stronger than it's ever been. We face marital challenges with a new vigor, and we are united so closely that it's beautiful. We still have challenges, and sometimes I still want to throttle him...But the difference is that now, we work through it. He doesn't feel that I despise him, and it has made all the difference in the world to us both.
Love is a choice. I challenge everyone here to, just for a month, try it out. Take the negative things you say to your spouse, and replace it with positivity, love and grace. If you point out your spouse's bad points with vitriol and bitterness, replace it with kindness. Instead of beating down your spouse when failure looms, lift him/her up. I promise, things will change.
It changed for us. Thank you, Lord!
