A number of responses have occurred to my previous posts. I have not responded in days because of the battle for my soul. I am battling over whether or not I am a Christian and whether or not I am ready to become one. Therefore, I haven't had time to post. For instance, Packermann, a Catholic, and I have been discussing the fine points of Catholicism vs. Protestantism. With my soul on the line, minute by minute, these days, I haven't taken the time to concentrate on responding there.
Part of this battle has to do with women: women at church and other women.
Earlier today, I reached the point where I was saying, because I realized that I might want to be saved but not to follow Jesus, "Jesus, since I do not want to follow You, I cannot be saved." Then, I started thinking about where it says in Romans: "Do you not know that the goodness of God leads you to repentance?" In other words, God is good to people who aren't His, for the purpose of making them realize His love and to bring them, therefore, to repentance. So, I started thinking again, about repentance.
Part of my women problem is this: while I kept on and off thinking I was a Christian, I was on and off attending a certain church. At this church, there is a woman who is a mixture of attractive and unattractive, with whom I had established kind of a "pre-commitment." "Pre," because, one, if I am not a Christian, I have no business going after a woman, but instead should full time be seeking salvation. "Pre," because, if I am not a Christian, she has no business dating me. "Pre," because, while I am seeking salvation, I have not been much carrying out my plan to earn money.
I have not been back to that church for several weeks. This is why: if you go to a movie, your mind and thoughts are riveted to the movie while you're watching the movie. You cannot think your own thoughts in a movie theater, for a couple hours. Well, it is the same with a church service. In a church service, your mind and thoughts are riveted to what's going on in the church service. You cannot think your own thoughts for the hour or so of the church service. When seeking salvation, I like to think my own thoughts, not have them directed/distracted by something going on around or near me. So, I not only stay out of movies, but when I think I'm not saved, I even stay out of church, usually. So I can seek and think my own thoughts to myself.
So, I have not been back to my main church for weeks. In the meantime, a certain VERY attractive woman has been regularly walking by my house. While not attending church and while greeting her regularly, I became increasingly obsessed with her. Finally, I decided, all at once, to abandon my pre-commitment to the partially unattractive woman at church and to go all out for the very attractive woman who walks by my house. This switch happened overnight one night.
I made a point to keep waiting for the lady who walks by the house, so as not to miss her. The woman at church, in the meantime, kept leaving me phone messages, worried about me because I had not been to church in awhile. Finally, i wrote the pastor and her in snail mail letters, explaining about the new woman and how I had walked away from the pre-commitment to the church woman, in favor of the neighborhood woman. She stopped calling after that. In the meantime, I both picked up some negative vibes from the neighborhood woman one time, and had time to think about what I had done to the church woman. I decided to stop seeking the neighborhood woman, but not to go back to the church woman, either. I figured I had just learned a lesson: I have previously had a tendency to go for women who are less than fully attractive, but who hold a certain amount of attractiveness to me, because, A.) They ARE to a certain extent attractive, and B.) They are easy targets, because of their unattractiveness. Now, that I had had a pre-commitment to a partially unattractive woman, then dumped her when a fully attractive woman came along and appeared to show some interest in me, I realized that my tendency to go for and "lead on" partially unattractive women, was not good. I'd dump them as soon as something seemed to be starting up with a fully attractive woman. So, I said, never again: I will NOT go for a woman who has a significant amount of unattractiveness, because I am not trustworthy around women and will dump them for a better looking woman.
I wrote a second letter to the church woman, acknowledging I had done a terrible thing and am completely untrustworthy around women. I told her I was no longer seeking the neighborhood woman, and that maybe I should be seeking no woman right now. I told her I would be glad to communicate with her, if she was willing to communicate with me. She has not contacted me. I am staying out of that church, in the meantime going to another good church in the neighborhood for a couple Sundays in a row.
Today, I was thinking: "If my objective is to dump the church woman, this objective has been met." I was trying to make myself face what I had done, to see if I could perchance cause myself to soften my heart toward her. The more I thought about it, the more my hardness of heart to her remained in place. In fact, I started thinking about another woman at another church. Now, THIS woman also has a slight amount of unattractiveness in her face. But her face is nevertheless much more attractive than that of the church woman I had just abandoned. And, overall, this other woman is hot. I find her very enticing. I decided: am going to start attending the church that I last knew the hot woman was attending, in search of her. I fully decided and prepared to do that, this coming Sunday.
In the meantime, I have been thinking more about whether or not I am a Christian. I decided my hardness of heart to the church woman I had just dumped, was a possible indication I am not a Christian. I realized that I have no business going after ANY woman if I am not a Christian, but need to full time resume seeking salvation. I've thought, maybe, if I become a Christian, I will try to go back to the woman I dumped. Or maybe not. God is not going to make you marry someone whom you don't want to marry. He might prevent you from seeking a relationship with particular people, but He's not going to force you into a marriage you don't really want. I also thought, as long as the woman I dumped does not have a boyfriend, maybe I should not have a girlfriend.
In any case, since it seems like I am not saved, I realize that I have no business seeking ANY woman, but need to seek salvation. Which leads me back to today's earlier thoughts. I was thinking, "Jesus, since I do not want to follow You, I cannot be saved." Then, as I said, I thought about the verse in Romans that says the goodness of God is to lead people to repentance. So, I have thought, maybe I should seek to repent. If I repent and get saved, maybe I will try to go back to the church woman whom I dumped. Or maybe not. Maybe I'll go for the other, hot church woman. But my hardness of heart to the woman I dumped indicates I am not saved. If I am not saved, I had better think about Romans and how the goodness of God is meant to lead to repentace.
There is a battle for my soul.Therefore, I have not been posting, but concentrating on the battle.
Part of this battle has to do with women: women at church and other women.
Earlier today, I reached the point where I was saying, because I realized that I might want to be saved but not to follow Jesus, "Jesus, since I do not want to follow You, I cannot be saved." Then, I started thinking about where it says in Romans: "Do you not know that the goodness of God leads you to repentance?" In other words, God is good to people who aren't His, for the purpose of making them realize His love and to bring them, therefore, to repentance. So, I started thinking again, about repentance.
Part of my women problem is this: while I kept on and off thinking I was a Christian, I was on and off attending a certain church. At this church, there is a woman who is a mixture of attractive and unattractive, with whom I had established kind of a "pre-commitment." "Pre," because, one, if I am not a Christian, I have no business going after a woman, but instead should full time be seeking salvation. "Pre," because, if I am not a Christian, she has no business dating me. "Pre," because, while I am seeking salvation, I have not been much carrying out my plan to earn money.
I have not been back to that church for several weeks. This is why: if you go to a movie, your mind and thoughts are riveted to the movie while you're watching the movie. You cannot think your own thoughts in a movie theater, for a couple hours. Well, it is the same with a church service. In a church service, your mind and thoughts are riveted to what's going on in the church service. You cannot think your own thoughts for the hour or so of the church service. When seeking salvation, I like to think my own thoughts, not have them directed/distracted by something going on around or near me. So, I not only stay out of movies, but when I think I'm not saved, I even stay out of church, usually. So I can seek and think my own thoughts to myself.
So, I have not been back to my main church for weeks. In the meantime, a certain VERY attractive woman has been regularly walking by my house. While not attending church and while greeting her regularly, I became increasingly obsessed with her. Finally, I decided, all at once, to abandon my pre-commitment to the partially unattractive woman at church and to go all out for the very attractive woman who walks by my house. This switch happened overnight one night.
I made a point to keep waiting for the lady who walks by the house, so as not to miss her. The woman at church, in the meantime, kept leaving me phone messages, worried about me because I had not been to church in awhile. Finally, i wrote the pastor and her in snail mail letters, explaining about the new woman and how I had walked away from the pre-commitment to the church woman, in favor of the neighborhood woman. She stopped calling after that. In the meantime, I both picked up some negative vibes from the neighborhood woman one time, and had time to think about what I had done to the church woman. I decided to stop seeking the neighborhood woman, but not to go back to the church woman, either. I figured I had just learned a lesson: I have previously had a tendency to go for women who are less than fully attractive, but who hold a certain amount of attractiveness to me, because, A.) They ARE to a certain extent attractive, and B.) They are easy targets, because of their unattractiveness. Now, that I had had a pre-commitment to a partially unattractive woman, then dumped her when a fully attractive woman came along and appeared to show some interest in me, I realized that my tendency to go for and "lead on" partially unattractive women, was not good. I'd dump them as soon as something seemed to be starting up with a fully attractive woman. So, I said, never again: I will NOT go for a woman who has a significant amount of unattractiveness, because I am not trustworthy around women and will dump them for a better looking woman.
I wrote a second letter to the church woman, acknowledging I had done a terrible thing and am completely untrustworthy around women. I told her I was no longer seeking the neighborhood woman, and that maybe I should be seeking no woman right now. I told her I would be glad to communicate with her, if she was willing to communicate with me. She has not contacted me. I am staying out of that church, in the meantime going to another good church in the neighborhood for a couple Sundays in a row.
Today, I was thinking: "If my objective is to dump the church woman, this objective has been met." I was trying to make myself face what I had done, to see if I could perchance cause myself to soften my heart toward her. The more I thought about it, the more my hardness of heart to her remained in place. In fact, I started thinking about another woman at another church. Now, THIS woman also has a slight amount of unattractiveness in her face. But her face is nevertheless much more attractive than that of the church woman I had just abandoned. And, overall, this other woman is hot. I find her very enticing. I decided: am going to start attending the church that I last knew the hot woman was attending, in search of her. I fully decided and prepared to do that, this coming Sunday.
In the meantime, I have been thinking more about whether or not I am a Christian. I decided my hardness of heart to the church woman I had just dumped, was a possible indication I am not a Christian. I realized that I have no business going after ANY woman if I am not a Christian, but need to full time resume seeking salvation. I've thought, maybe, if I become a Christian, I will try to go back to the woman I dumped. Or maybe not. God is not going to make you marry someone whom you don't want to marry. He might prevent you from seeking a relationship with particular people, but He's not going to force you into a marriage you don't really want. I also thought, as long as the woman I dumped does not have a boyfriend, maybe I should not have a girlfriend.
In any case, since it seems like I am not saved, I realize that I have no business seeking ANY woman, but need to seek salvation. Which leads me back to today's earlier thoughts. I was thinking, "Jesus, since I do not want to follow You, I cannot be saved." Then, as I said, I thought about the verse in Romans that says the goodness of God is to lead people to repentance. So, I have thought, maybe I should seek to repent. If I repent and get saved, maybe I will try to go back to the church woman whom I dumped. Or maybe not. Maybe I'll go for the other, hot church woman. But my hardness of heart to the woman I dumped indicates I am not saved. If I am not saved, I had better think about Romans and how the goodness of God is meant to lead to repentace.
There is a battle for my soul.Therefore, I have not been posting, but concentrating on the battle.
