The balance between truth saying and respect for feelings

[mindlight]

"The truth you cannot handle the truth" seems to apply to a great many people these days. People seem to get offended or take stuff personally very easily and thereby miss the point of what is being said. But Gods word will not return to him empty, it will accomplish the purpose for which he sent it.

versus

If you cannot communicate to me where I am then why are you with me. If you cannot hear the song of my heart and adjust your words to that song then who are you talking to? If you cannot make that personal connection to my feelings then why should your words matter to me?

What is the right balance between truth and feelings

1) In a sermon
2) In work relationships
3) In a marriage

 

[ToBeLoved]

"The truth you cannot handle the truth" seems to apply to a great many people these days. People seem to get offended or take stuff personally very easily and thereby miss the point of what is being said. But Gods word will not return to him empty, it will accomplish the purpose for which he sent it.

versus

If you cannot communicate to me where I am then why are you with me. If you cannot hear the song of my heart and adjust your words to that song then who are you talking to? If you cannot make that personal connection to my feelings then why should your words matter to me?

What is the right balance between truth and feelings

1) In a sermon
2) In work relationships
3) In a marriage

Well, my belief is sola scriptura so I believe God has communicated with us and to us who He is and who we are as His Children. So I follow all the truth laid out in the Bible, not perfectly, but with repentance and forgiveness.

My take is that if you get your heart right with God and God is in your heart, where you do as He says and love with agape love that is a true outpouring of a changed creature, because Christ tells us that He creates a new creation in us. So if that new creation is built on love, respect and true care, then I think it trickles down into all of our relationships. Now are we perfect, no of course not. But God tells us what the fruit (outcome) of the Holy Spirit guiding a believer.

The Fruit of the Holy Spirit is a biblical term that sums up nine attributes of a Christian life according to St. Paul in his Letter to the Galatians "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.". Galatians 5:22-23.

I believe that every relationship is built somehow upon love. Even if it is a work relationship because kindness and goodness and self control are real attributes that can be put into action. Especially for those of us who have teenagers. lol

As far as people handling the truth, I think ahead about my words. An example is how people always want Christians to take a stance on homosexuality and/or gay marriage or gay parisioners.

My simple answer is, homosexuality is a sin. But so is heterosexual lust and sex outside of marriage. Homosexuality is a sin that can be and is forgiven by God. God tells us that HE is just and faithful to forigive our sins if we forgive others.

That is where I leave it. It is a sin and every sin needs to be repented for. Our job is not to judge, because I think almost everyone knows that God created Adam and Eve. So grinding on them I think is futile in that it brings them down more, not helps them stay right with God.

 

[Tull]

I try to follow Matthew 10:14 and move on if someone does not want to listen.

 

[ToBeLoved]

One thing I learned with children is anything can be presented in a way that you do not have to tell someone something directly if it is handled correctly. So I try to choose my words carefully and know my stance on things in advance. Then I try to figure out how some one might dispute it and what I would say. But this is over a timeline of 35 years being a Christian so I've had to think out most things in my life.

One tip is anyone put on the defensive usually always shuts down to someone's words. So I think offending is the opposite thing we need to do, yet most people are not offended if you care for them and they believe that. Agape love is caring only about the other person and their edification, pulling ourselves out of it completely.

So if I really love that person my end goal is to get them on the right path with God if they have fallen. So I start with the end goal, and work backwards.

Life is hard, the Church needs to be a strengthening force for each of us spiritually. Paul talked a lot about what edifies the church and people. So I think it is a major New Testament theme. So I spend time on it, that's just how I do it.

 

[RaymondG]

Preaching the Gospel, the good news, and condemning people of their sins, are two different things. Quit your sins or be burnt alive, is no good news in my book.

We should give the good new of Christ....and let Christ take care of the rest....the holy spirit will condemn and convict, because it is the only one who knows the contents of the mind and heart.

The only condemnation you can see in others, is that which you have in yourself......How many of us can handle this truth?

 

[Greg J.]

For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. (Hebrews 4:12, 1984 NIV)

1. If the Word is not dividing light from darkness in people, then you have the wrong sword.
2. There is no better sword.

 

[ValleyGal]

Most "truth" is relative anyway.

And the one who wants connection seems to want the other to connect on THEIR terms.

Here is what I think the OP is saying. You have a friend who tells you that you are too sensitive and cannot hear their "truth" because it comes across as a criticism. But you really want that person to connect with you emotionally and in a way that facilitates warmth and kindness in the relationship, and then hearing the other's "truth" would be much more palatable. I hope I got that right.

Here is the connection. It's not a "versus" thing, but rather building the relationship to the point that you can each withstand the "truth" from the other. And you can't expect the other to hear the song of your heart and learn the words of your song unless you listen for their song and learn their words and sing along first. That goes for both people in the relationship. Both need to initiate the work it takes to really listen for what makes the other person tick, understand it, and then attend to their needs - especially their emotional needs. This is called attunement. Both must tune in to the other, and not just expect to be tuned into without reciprocating. The only relationship that is all about you, is with a therapist. Otherwise, it's about tuning in to the other person.

When tuning into someone else becomes a natural part of the relationship, then it facilitates attachment. The other person then seeks you out and attaches to you because you are tuned into them and they need to feel understood and loved.

Once you have a solid attunement/attachment relationship, then you will be more willing to hear their "truth", and they will be more willing to hear yours. The relationship will be able to withstand a little constructive truth. The person speaking their truth must do so with the other person's best interest in mind and it must be selfless (no gain for themselves) and in love. And if the relationship is good, then the person hearing the others' truth will be able to accept it and consider how it could be true for them - again, it is an opportunity to attune to them, understand how they came to that "truth" and honestly evaluating whether it is indeed, true, or if it's something that needs to be clarified so they will understand your truth.

How does this apply in a sermon? How much do you trust your pastor? Are you open to feedback, if he is directing it at you? If he's not directing it at you, then take what he says, go home and study the issue in the Bible and see how true it is. And if it's not so much something that can be studied, then maybe he said something that struck a chord in you and you know deep down to be true, even if it was communicated in a way that you don't like.

How does it apply to work? In the same way as I described above, only within company policies and practices. If a colleague has an issue with you, listen for understanding where your colleague is coming from, validate their experience, introspect and be honest with yourself about whether it's true. If it is, you can do something about it; if it isn't, then you can just let it go as maybe their issue rather than yours.

How does it apply at home? Always seek to understand your spouse. Clarify issues, be honest with yourself and open/vulnerable with your spouse, and think about the things your spouse feeds back to you. How you say something will matter greatly here, as it must always be done in love - and love isn't always gentle. Sometimes what they say will hurt us - especially if there is a little truth to it. Validate where they are coming from, validate their experience. It does not mean you have to agree. But again, introspect and examine your heart. Ask the Spirit to examine your heart and tell you the truth about it. Then listen for the answer, and brace yourself for his truth. Be prepared to be humble before your spouse if you need to be.

Hopefully that helped or made a little sense.

 

[ToBeLoved]

Most "truth" is relative anyway.

And the one who wants connection seems to want the other to connect on THEIR terms.

Here is what I think the OP is saying. You have a friend who tells you that you are too sensitive and cannot hear their "truth" because it comes across as a criticism. But you really want that person to connect with you emotionally and in a way that facilitates warmth and kindness in the relationship, and then hearing the other's "truth" would be much more palatable. I hope I got that right.

Here is the connection. It's not a "versus" thing, but rather building the relationship to the point that you can each withstand the "truth" from the other. And you can't expect the other to hear the song of your heart and learn the words of your song unless you listen for their song and learn their words and sing along first. That goes for both people in the relationship. Both need to initiate the work it takes to really listen for what makes the other person tick, understand it, and then attend to their needs - especially their emotional needs. This is called attunement. Both must tune in to the other, and not just expect to be tuned into without reciprocating. The only relationship that is all about you, is with a therapist. Otherwise, it's about tuning in to the other person.

When tuning into someone else becomes a natural part of the relationship, then it facilitates attachment. The other person then seeks you out and attaches to you because you are tuned into them and they need to feel understood and loved.

Once you have a solid attunement/attachment relationship, then you will be more willing to hear their "truth", and they will be more willing to hear yours. The relationship will be able to withstand a little constructive truth. The person speaking their truth must do so with the other person's best interest in mind and it must be selfless (no gain for themselves) and in love. And if the relationship is good, then the person hearing the others' truth will be able to accept it and consider how it could be true for them - again, it is an opportunity to attune to them, understand how they came to that "truth" and honestly evaluating whether it is indeed, true, or if it's something that needs to be clarified so they will understand your truth.

How does this apply in a sermon? How much do you trust your pastor? Are you open to feedback, if he is directing it at you? If he's not directing it at you, then take what he says, go home and study the issue in the Bible and see how true it is. And if it's not so much something that can be studied, then maybe he said something that struck a chord in you and you know deep down to be true, even if it was communicated in a way that you don't like.

How does it apply to work? In the same way as I described above, only within company policies and practices. If a colleague has an issue with you, listen for understanding where your colleague is coming from, validate their experience, introspect and be honest with yourself about whether it's true. If it is, you can do something about it; if it isn't, then you can just let it go as maybe their issue rather than yours.

How does it apply at home? Always seek to understand your spouse. Clarify issues, be honest with yourself and open/vulnerable with your spouse, and think about the things your spouse feeds back to you. How you say something will matter greatly here, as it must always be done in love - and love isn't always gentle. Sometimes what they say will hurt us - especially if there is a little truth to it. Validate where they are coming from, validate their experience. It does not mean you have to agree. But again, introspect and examine your heart. Ask the Spirit to examine your heart and tell you the truth about it. Then listen for the answer, and brace yourself for his truth. Be prepared to be humble before your spouse if you need to be.

Hopefully that helped or made a little sense.

I disagree with this entire premise.

We are not trying to build a relationship with the other person like that is the goal. The goal is that they realize that they cannot pay the price for their sin.

God set the price. It is perfectly keeping the Law or forgiveness through the blood of His Son.

Only two choices there.

If God being perfect and holy is stressed and that God cannot reside with that which is unholy. Then people can with the right verses put 2 + 2 together.

That is the problem in a nutshell. How do we sinful humans get back to a holy God with sin in the way.

Also, if you believe God is holy and perfect, then God's Truth is not relative. It is absolute. Stand on the rock, not sand.

God tells us to edify each other and that the mature in Christ are to help the new in Christ get started on firm ground. So we just need to obey God at this point. Edify them and help them understand any questions. Know our Bible and share with them the Truth in it. The Truth will take care of itself.

 

[Goodbook]

Hmm well the truth is God so loved the world he gave his only son Jesus so that whosoever believes in him will not perish but will have eternal life.

Belief...isnt so much a FEELING but acknowledging the truth, and the truth is not a lie! A lie can deceive us, and many lies are designed to make us feel all sorts of things, like feel good lies. Theres also lies that make people feel more guilty and condemned than one needs to be.

The truth is a fact that can be verified and that we have the Bible as a truthful eyewitness account, is for some people, quite offensive, but for many others its lifesaving. The Bible isnt like a novel designed for entertainment purposes its a HISTORY of God and His creation. Theres wonderful stories, poetry, instruction in it but people are so used to selfhelp feelgood literature these days that the Bible can be overlooked.

Because we cannot literally see and touch Jesus on earth means we believe on faith. Blessed are those who havent seen and believe.

In a sermon, in work relationships, and in marriage theres always the faith issue or TRUST. Jesus asks of us to TRUST in Him. When we trust, often the feelings eg love, peace, joy...fruits of the holy spirit, will come.

 

[mindlight]

I try to follow Matthew 10:14 and move on if someone does not want to listen.

That verse is talking about itinerant preaching. If you are in a church with relationships then those relationships are the context in which a sermon is preached.

 

[mindlight]

One thing I learned with children is anything can be presented in a way that you do not have to tell someone something directly if it is handled correctly. So I try to choose my words carefully and know my stance on things in advance. Then I try to figure out how some one might dispute it and what I would say. But this is over a timeline of 35 years being a Christian so I've had to think out most things in my life.

One tip is anyone put on the defensive usually always shuts down to someone's words. So I think offending is the opposite thing we need to do, yet most people are not offended if you care for them and they believe that. Agape love is caring only about the other person and their edification, pulling ourselves out of it completely.

So if I really love that person my end goal is to get them on the right path with God if they have fallen. So I start with the end goal, and work backwards.

Life is hard, the Church needs to be a strengthening force for each of us spiritually. Paul talked a lot about what edifies the church and people. So I think it is a major New Testament theme. So I spend time on it, that's just how I do it.

Truth through friendship is probably a wise strategy in most churches though there are always going to people who disagree with you.

 

[mindlight]

Most "truth" is relative anyway.

And the one who wants connection seems to want the other to connect on THEIR terms.

Here is what I think the OP is saying. You have a friend who tells you that you are too sensitive and cannot hear their "truth" because it comes across as a criticism. But you really want that person to connect with you emotionally and in a way that facilitates warmth and kindness in the relationship, and then hearing the other's "truth" would be much more palatable. I hope I got that right.

Here is the connection. It's not a "versus" thing, but rather building the relationship to the point that you can each withstand the "truth" from the other. And you can't expect the other to hear the song of your heart and learn the words of your song unless you listen for their song and learn their words and sing along first. That goes for both people in the relationship. Both need to initiate the work it takes to really listen for what makes the other person tick, understand it, and then attend to their needs - especially their emotional needs. This is called attunement. Both must tune in to the other, and not just expect to be tuned into without reciprocating. The only relationship that is all about you, is with a therapist. Otherwise, it's about tuning in to the other person.

When tuning into someone else becomes a natural part of the relationship, then it facilitates attachment. The other person then seeks you out and attaches to you because you are tuned into them and they need to feel understood and loved.

Once you have a solid attunement/attachment relationship, then you will be more willing to hear their "truth", and they will be more willing to hear yours. The relationship will be able to withstand a little constructive truth. The person speaking their truth must do so with the other person's best interest in mind and it must be selfless (no gain for themselves) and in love. And if the relationship is good, then the person hearing the others' truth will be able to accept it and consider how it could be true for them - again, it is an opportunity to attune to them, understand how they came to that "truth" and honestly evaluating whether it is indeed, true, or if it's something that needs to be clarified so they will understand your truth.

How does this apply in a sermon? How much do you trust your pastor? Are you open to feedback, if he is directing it at you? If he's not directing it at you, then take what he says, go home and study the issue in the Bible and see how true it is. And if it's not so much something that can be studied, then maybe he said something that struck a chord in you and you know deep down to be true, even if it was communicated in a way that you don't like.

How does it apply to work? In the same way as I described above, only within company policies and practices. If a colleague has an issue with you, listen for understanding where your colleague is coming from, validate their experience, introspect and be honest with yourself about whether it's true. If it is, you can do something about it; if it isn't, then you can just let it go as maybe their issue rather than yours.

How does it apply at home? Always seek to understand your spouse. Clarify issues, be honest with yourself and open/vulnerable with your spouse, and think about the things your spouse feeds back to you. How you say something will matter greatly here, as it must always be done in love - and love isn't always gentle. Sometimes what they say will hurt us - especially if there is a little truth to it. Validate where they are coming from, validate their experience. It does not mean you have to agree. But again, introspect and examine your heart. Ask the Spirit to examine your heart and tell you the truth about it. Then listen for the answer, and brace yourself for his truth. Be prepared to be humble before your spouse if you need to be.

Hopefully that helped or made a little sense.

Biblical truths are not relative nor is the relationship between preacher and congregation always an equal one. Someone with decades of experience of preaching and lifetime of dedication to Gods word will probably handle Gods word better than a great many people in the congregation with a criticism of the message. Sometimes you just have to take the criticism in silence and wait for the person to catch up with what you actually said.

But relationship is the vehicle by which truths are communicated. I am pretty sure that I preached Gods word and can defend the truths I shared with scripture. What I am not sure about is whether I made the necessary connections with some people and whether I was that skilful in the ways I communicated in this particular talk. There are ways of doing this and anecdotal examples of illness in ones own life are a good way for example, in this context, showing that you are just vulnerable to the horrible lottery of sickness that is original sin as everyone you preach to. This was the main thing missing from my sermon.

 

[mindlight]

I disagree with this entire premise.

We are not trying to build a relationship with the other person like that is the goal. The goal is that they realize that they cannot pay the price for their sin.

God set the price. It is perfectly keeping the Law or forgiveness through the blood of His Son.

Only two choices there.

If God being perfect and holy is stressed and that God cannot reside with that which is unholy. Then people can with the right verses put 2 + 2 together.

That is the problem in a nutshell. How do we sinful humans get back to a holy God with sin in the way.

Also, if you believe God is holy and perfect, then God's Truth is not relative. It is absolute. Stand on the rock, not sand.

God tells us to edify each other and that the mature in Christ are to help the new in Christ get started on firm ground. So we just need to obey God at this point. Edify them and help them understand any questions. Know our Bible and share with them the Truth in it. The Truth will take care of itself.

I really wish it were that simple but it isn't. As a missionary I have done the itinerant preaching thing and sometimes you see people saved but the next day/week you are off to a new location. In big churches also it is easy to miss the people who reacted strongly against what you said cause they dare not approach you, simply do not turn up the next week or hang out with a different clique. So it is easy to simply ignore the people that turned away with a smirk or in godless blindness. In a smaller congregation that is not possible. The same person you insult this week will be back the next but with a chip on his or her shoulder. That does not mean compromising on the biblical truths in your message nor does it mean forgetting the essential truth that no one is saved from their sins except by Christ. But it does mean that the effort to share the message is done in as considered a way as possible. That is the hardest part of preaching for me. The truth is something which I have no problem with but you have to make that real and relevant and communicate the fire and love that it stirs in you to the people you preach to.

 

[mindlight]

Hmm well the truth is God so loved the world he gave his only son Jesus so that whosoever believes in him will not perish but will have eternal life.

Belief...isnt so much a FEELING but acknowledging the truth, and the truth is not a lie! A lie can deceive us, and many lies are designed to make us feel all sorts of things, like feel good lies. Theres also lies that make people feel more guilty and condemned than one needs to be.

The truth is a fact that can be verified and that we have the Bible as a truthful eyewitness account, is for some people, quite offensive, but for many others its lifesaving. The Bible isnt like a novel designed for entertainment purposes its a HISTORY of God and His creation. Theres wonderful stories, poetry, instruction in it but people are so used to selfhelp feelgood literature these days that the Bible can be overlooked.

Because we cannot literally see and touch Jesus on earth means we believe on faith. Blessed are those who havent seen and believe.

In a sermon, in work relationships, and in marriage theres always the faith issue or TRUST. Jesus asks of us to TRUST in Him. When we trust, often the feelings eg love, peace, joy...fruits of the holy spirit, will come.

True but how would you answer this question.

You preach about something which does not really effect you ( e.g. having an incurable auto-immune type disease like graves, lupus, psoriasis, crones). You are focused on the facts - on the truth of the matter. But you communicate none of Gods warmth to those who actually suffer with these conditions - who have prayed for healing but unlike the leper in your sermon have not been healed. You say they will be healed , if not now then at the resurrection and this may be true though for most of us it means we have a long time to wait and no hope for this life. From you who have not suffered these are easy words , cheaply bought words! ..... you yourself have not struggled day and night with these ailments. You can be right and yet horribly wrong at the same time.

 

[seashale76]

"The truth you cannot handle the truth" seems to apply to a great many people these days. People seem to get offended or take stuff personally very easily and thereby miss the point of what is being said. But Gods word will not return to him empty, it will accomplish the purpose for which he sent it.

versus

If you cannot communicate to me where I am then why are you with me. If you cannot hear the song of my heart and adjust your words to that song then who are you talking to? If you cannot make that personal connection to my feelings then why should your words matter to me?

What is the right balance between truth and feelings

1) In a sermon
2) In work relationships
3) In a marriage

I admit that I take a blunt approach on-line. People are convinced of their own ways- and the majority of those asking for advice around here only want their ears tickled. They don't want to hear anything they haven't already determined their agreement to. It's all about feelings for a lot of folks, and I rarely engage my feelings or those of others in an on-line environment when it comes to religion (I admit I do bring in my own feelings much more when it comes to politics). I think sometimes, people need to see things plainly spelled out without focus on feelings. I also do it more for lurkers than for those I am actually responding to. It is impossible to always understand tone in on-line interactions.

1) I am more fond of sermons that don't take my feelings into account, other than to acknowledge I have them and can let them get in the way of being rational and doing what I need to do as a Christian. I don't need or want pandering. Of course, delivery goes a long way.

2) Work relationships need to be based on downplaying feelings as well. The focus should be on the idea that nine times out of ten, hurt feelings are based on wrong perceptions and misunderstandings. Again- delivery is important.

3) Marriage is the same. Miscommunication and misunderstandings often occur.

 

[ValleyGal]

I see that this OP is in the context of delivering a sermon. Had I known that from the OP, I could have honed in on that context.

There is one truth - love is always right. All other truths are relative. But because God is love, we know that God is always right. Here's the thing. Far too many people think it's loving to walk up to someone they barely know and say "you can't smoke. Smoking is sin, so you need to stop." That is very blaming, harmful, etc. because smoking, while it may be "polluting the temple of the spirit" is not a sin that is detrimental to salvation. We all continue to sin after we are saved, and the Spirit will convict people in truth as the person grows and matures in faith. It is wrong (sin) to confront sin every time it happens. Far too many people are into pointing out other people's "sin" to avoid looking in the mirror and taking responsibility for their own sin. So on my journey, I used to smoke, even after becoming a Christian. When the Spirit convicted me (more on this in a minute), I obeyed him and quit. But...there were many in the meantime who were quick to tell me that I was sinning and I needed to get on my knees and repent. All they did is drive me further from a God who had already proven himself to me - and it harmed my faith.

Pr. 27:6 - Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.

Anyone who told me I was sinning and on my way to a very hot place, was wrong to do so because it drove me away...like being kissed by an enemy. But I have a friend who is like a brother. One day he sat me down and said "I love you, and it hurts me to see what you are doing to yourself." That was done with no agenda. None - except that he loved me. And we had the relationship and trust that although it was painful to hear, motivated me to pray about it and eventually quit (I quit on his birthday, exactly 15 years ago yesterday).

If you do not have a relationship with someone where you know where they are on their journey in faith, and the trust is not there, your words have more potential to harm than to heal. This is why it is imperative to have a relationship built up with someone when you do the "speak the truth in love" kind of thing. We are not all called to go around pointing out other people's sin....we are to take the log out of our own eye first (and this often involves quitting judging to condemn)...and then we need to make sure that our own heart is free of such sin that we are about to confront. Then we need to make sure our motives are ONLY for God's benefit and for the other person's benefit. If you have ANY stake in it at all, it is best not to confront it otherwise it will come off as selfish gain. And finally, you need to make sure it actually is a sin, and they are ready to address it in their faith journey.

So... most truths are relative. God's truths are not, but how we perceive those truths are also coloured by our own culture, stake in the outcome, how we apply it and with whom, not to mention how we read those truths in 21st century English translations. It is true for me that smoking is a sin.... it was not true for me before my dear friend spoke with me that day and the Spirit consequently convinced me that it is. Smoking was not going to affect my destination after death, as I am covered in grace. After all, the Bible says - now here is love in action - love covers over a multitude of sins. How many sins has your love covered over - or are you intent on pointing everyone's out without taking that judgemental log out of your own eye?

 

[ToBeLoved]

Truth through friendship is probably a wise strategy in most churches though there are always going to people who disagree with you.

But they are already saved if they are at church. I was talking about talking about Christ to nonbelievers.

 

[FireDragon76]

Both are important. I've talked on other threads about how the idea of righteousness existing abstractly is not a particularly Biblical concept. Righteousness is an act. The epistle of James is helpful reading here.

 

[Odetta]

Not everyone in church is saved. Some are still searching. Some aren't even searching but are there reluctantly or under duress and looking for any excuse to justify leaving. Many, many people leave the church because love was left out when truth was spoken, or when some judgemental person spoke their own version of "truth" and called it God's.

 

[ToBeLoved]

Not everyone in church is saved. Some are still searching. Some aren't even searching but are there reluctantly or under duress and looking for any excuse to justify leaving. Many, many people leave the church because love was left out when truth was spoken, or when some judgemental person spoke their own version of "truth" and called it God's.

Right. I was making an overall point.