The Avoidant Personality Club

[aflower4God]

Hi there folks! How are you all doing?
I wanted to start a club for all of those out there who think that they may be the Avoidant type. There is even a fun survay that I created about this. Also, I did some research on this topic and found that I was totally like this. If you wanna know if you may be like this please take the time to read what an Avoidant person is like:

Characteristics of the Avoidant Personality Style:

1. Comfortable with habit, repetition, and routine
2. Prefer the known to the unknown
3. Close allegiance to family and/or a few close friends; tend to be homebodies
4. Sensitive and concerned about what others think of them. Tend to be self-conscious and worriers
5. Very discreet and deliberate in dealing with others
6. Tend to maintain a reserved, self-restrained demeanor around others
7. Tend to be curious and can focus considerable attention on hobbies and avocations; however, a few engage in counterphobic coping behaviors

I hope that you find this club to be as enjoyable and helpful as I hope and pray it will be. It will be a great chance to make friends as well!

Take care and God bless ya! Here is the FUN survey:


Avoidant Survey:

How long have you known that you have been an Avoidant? For all of my life I guess
Who in your family, is an avoidant? Mother
How many online friends do you have that your reguarally chat with? 1 she just recently left CF though
How many PM's do you receive a day? 0
How many emails do you receive a day or week? About 4 a week ON A GOOD WEEK
How many online friends have burned you? WAY too many to count
How many offline friends do you have? 2
How many "aquaintances friends do you have? 1 she is like 20 years older than I too
How many very close friends do you have (including family/spouse)? 1 roommate/best friend
How many friends did you have when you were younger (high school)? real friends 1
What clique did you belong to when you were (are) in high School? the outcast clique i guess
Did you talk to your stuffed animals alot as a kid? oh yeah, they were the best
What was/is closer to you, friends or your stuffed animals? back then my stuffed animals now it would be my one closets friend
What do you avoid the most? getting hurt
Is it easier for you to make friends or lose them? lose them why, cause they find me BORING cause I do NOT DATE!!!!!!!!
Okay all, if you can think of some more NON-PERSONAL questions PLEASE post them!

 

[CyberPaladin]

Avoidant Survey:

How long have you known that you have been an Avoidant? All my life
Who in your family, is an avoidant? Mom
How many online friends do you have that your reguarally chat with? 1 it may be going way up with me spending so much time on the Conservative Christian board.
How many PM's do you receive a day? average about 2 a day it's usually from the same person before I started pming with her I would a month or longer and get nothing
How many emails do you receive a day or week? Disregarding job searching related e-mails and spam 0.
How many online friends have burned you? None I very rarely establish relationships close enough to qualify as a friend.
How many offline friends do you have? None the only one I had move to New Jersey to take a job.
How many "aquaintances friends do you have? 4 It's 2 couples from my sunday school class there all roughly 20 years older than me.

How many very close friends do you have (including family/spouse)? 0

How many friends did you have when you were younger (high school)? 0

What clique did you belong to when you were (are) in high School? None the loners wouldn't even eat lunch with me.
Did you talk to your stuffed animals alot as a kid? No, not at all
What was/is closer to you, friends or your stuffed animals? Niether
What do you avoid the most? getting hurt
Is it easier for you to make friends or lose them? lose them since I don't have any now or have had any for close 2 years

 

[tammym1972]

I have the opposite problem. I have lots of online friends but hardly any real freinds. Doe that count

 

[mathfreak]

Avoidant Survey:

How long have you known that you have been an Avoidant? since grade 7

Who in your family, is an avoidant? none

How many online friends do you have that your regularly chat with? none

How many PM's do you receive a day? 1 or 2

How many emails do you receive a day or week? i got lots of emails from groups

How many online friends have burned you? lots and lots of them

How many offline friends do you have? couples

How many "aquaintances friends do you have? 3 or 4

How many very close friends do you have (including family/spouse)? 0

How many friends did you have when you were younger (high school)? only friends: 4 or 5. no best friends

What clique did you belong to when you were (are) in high School? none.

Did you talk to your stuffed animals alot as a kid? sometimes

What was/is closer to you, friends or your stuffed animals? none

What do you avoid the most? talking infront of other people

Is it easier for you to make friends or lose them? lose them

 

[wmc1982]

Avoidant Survey:

How long have you known that you have been an Avoidant? 9th grade maybe?

Who in your family, is an avoidant? one uncle

How many online friends do you have that your regularly chat with? none

How many PM's do you receive a day? maybe 1 a week

How many emails do you receive a day or week? a lot of spam mostly, a few a week from family

How many online friends have burned you? none

How many offline friends do you have? a good few, but all are now distant

How many "aquaintances friends do you have? see above

How many very close friends do you have (including family/spouse)? none anymore

How many friends did you have when you were younger (high school)? a few close friends, maybe another 5 acquaintances

What clique did you belong to when you were (are) in high School? most all of them at points in time

Did you talk to your stuffed animals alot as a kid? no

What was/is closer to you, friends or your stuffed animals? I guess the distant friends, I have never had a relationship with a stuffed animal.

What do you avoid the most? conflict, confrontation

Is it easier for you to make friends or lose them? lose them

 

[BelindaP]

May I join? I don't have Avoidant, but my husband does.

 

[GrannieAnnie]

Avoidant Survey:

How long have you known that you have been an Avoidant? All my life
Who in your family, is an avoidant? Mom
How many online friends do you have that your reguarally chat with? 1 it may be going way up with me spending so much time on the Conservative Christian board.
How many PM's do you receive a day? average about 2 a day it's usually from the same person before I started pming with her I would a month or longer and get nothing
How many emails do you receive a day or week? Disregarding job searching related e-mails and spam 0.
How many online friends have burned you? None I very rarely establish relationships close enough to qualify as a friend.
How many offline friends do you have? None the only one I had move to New Jersey to take a job.
How many "aquaintances friends do you have? 4 It's 2 couples from my sunday school class there all roughly 20 years older than me.

How many very close friends do you have (including family/spouse)? 0

How many friends did you have when you were younger (high school)? 0

What clique did you belong to when you were (are) in high School? None the loners wouldn't even eat lunch with me.
Did you talk to your stuffed animals alot as a kid? No, not at all
What was/is closer to you, friends or your stuffed animals? Niether
What do you avoid the most? getting hurt
Is it easier for you to make friends or lose them? lose them since I don't have any now or have had any for close 2 years

Answers.....

1....Only in the last couple of years really, I didn't realise I was sick till diagnosed with depression 10 yrs ago.

2....My sister is definately avoidant.

3.....I don't chat with anyone on line.

4.....Had some a couple of weeks ago from one person...but that was just a short....hi how are you type thing...I dont really get any pms.

5.....I get email jokes from people who are mutual friends of my husband and I, and sometimes get emails from my kids, but they tend to phone me.

6.....I have been "disappointed" in a couple of people on line, but not really...burned.

7...I have about 6 friends, but I only contact people about once a month at most.....I'm not very sociable really. The people I know are really wives of my husbands friends.

8....I have quite a lot of aquaintance friends...my husband is into model boat sailing, and is in several clubs, so I know his friends from there. Also a group from a church social group for those with mental illness.

9.....Close friends...my 2 adult kids, mum and dad, husband, and a couple of girlfriends....about 3 or 4 couples.

10...Friends in high school....about 2..

11....Wasn't really in a clique at school.

12.....I had a wonderful teddy bear named, Peter Edward...he heard lots of secrets and dried lots of tears.

13...When I was a kid...my teddy....now, my beloved husband and my pets.

14.....Mostly I avoid arguements ..... but I'll fight like the devil if I have to...verbally I mean.

15...I used to be a people pleaser and felt I needed friends, now I'm a homebody and the thought of having friends is fine, but when it boils down to it.....I like my own company and my pets and my husband, and don't really like to visit people, or have them visit my home. Im ok meeting people outside the home, a restaurant or something....but my home is my castle, and I like to keep it private.

 

[aflower4God]

Avoidant Survey:

How long have you known that you have been an Avoidant? since grade 7

Who in your family, is an avoidant? none

How many online friends do you have that your regularly chat with? none

How many PM's do you receive a day? 1 or 2

How many emails do you receive a day or week? i got lots of emails from groups

How many online friends have burned you? lots and lots of them

How many offline friends do you have? couples

How many "aquaintances friends do you have? 3 or 4

How many very close friends do you have (including family/spouse)? 0

How many friends did you have when you were younger (high school)? only friends: 4 or 5. no best friends

What clique did you belong to when you were (are) in high School? none.

Did you talk to your stuffed animals alot as a kid? sometimes

What was/is closer to you, friends or your stuffed animals? none

What do you avoid the most? talking infront of other people

Is it easier for you to make friends or lose them? lose them

Avoidant Survey:

How long have you known that you have been an Avoidant? 9th grade maybe?

Who in your family, is an avoidant? one uncle

How many online friends do you have that your regularly chat with? none

How many PM's do you receive a day? maybe 1 a week

How many emails do you receive a day or week? a lot of spam mostly, a few a week from family

How many online friends have burned you? none

How many offline friends do you have? a good few, but all are now distant

How many "aquaintances friends do you have? see above

How many very close friends do you have (including family/spouse)? none anymore

How many friends did you have when you were younger (high school)? a few close friends, maybe another 5 acquaintances

What clique did you belong to when you were (are) in high School? most all of them at points in time

Did you talk to your stuffed animals alot as a kid? no

What was/is closer to you, friends or your stuffed animals? I guess the distant friends, I have never had a relationship with a stuffed animal.

What do you avoid the most? conflict, confrontation

Is it easier for you to make friends or lose them? lose them

May I join? I don't have Avoidant, but my husband does.

Yes you most certainly welcome here!

Answers.....

1....Only in the last couple of years really, I didn't realise I was sick till diagnosed with depression 10 yrs ago.

2....My sister is definately avoidant.

3.....I don't chat with anyone on line.

4.....Had some a couple of weeks ago from one person...but that was just a short....hi how are you type thing...I dont really get any pms.

5.....I get email jokes from people who are mutual friends of my husband and I, and sometimes get emails from my kids, but they tend to phone me.

6.....I have been "disappointed" in a couple of people on line, but not really...burned.

7...I have about 6 friends, but I only contact people about once a month at most.....I'm not very sociable really. The people I know are really wives of my husbands friends.

8....I have quite a lot of aquaintance friends...my husband is into model boat sailing, and is in several clubs, so I know his friends from there. Also a group from a church social group for those with mental illness.

9.....Close friends...my 2 adult kids, mum and dad, husband, and a couple of girlfriends....about 3 or 4 couples.

10...Friends in high school....about 2..

11....Wasn't really in a clique at school.

12.....I had a wonderful teddy bear named, Peter Edward...he heard lots of secrets and dried lots of tears.

13...When I was a kid...my teddy....now, my beloved husband and my pets.

14.....Mostly I avoid arguements ..... but I'll fight like the devil if I have to...verbally I mean.

15...I used to be a people pleaser and felt I needed friends, now I'm a homebody and the thought of having friends is fine, but when it boils down to it.....I like my own company and my pets and my husband, and don't really like to visit people, or have them visit my home. Im ok meeting people outside the home, a restaurant or something....but my home is my castle, and I like to keep it private.

Wow so many responses!!! Welcome crew! Now we can help each other along with this trait of ours! I am so very glad that I met you all and look forward to knowing you more! God bless you all!!!!

ALL are welcome here adn I am glad that you took the time to join!!! Thank you and it means so much to me!!!!

 

[Onlythingavailable]

Avoidant Survey:

How long have you known that you have been an Avoidant?
I've never been mister social, but it really "got worse" in high school.
Who in your family, is an avoidant?
No one really.
How many online friends do you have that your reguarally chat with?
Around 4 or so.
How many PM's do you receive a day?
1-2.
How many emails do you receive a day or week?
1-7
How many online friends have burned you?
None really.
How many offline friends do you have?
2.
How many "aquaintances friends do you have?
2.
How many very close friends do you have (including family/spouse)?
None really, or maybe my definition of very close is too strict!
How many friends did you have when you were younger (high school)?
Around 10.
What clique did you belong to when you were (are) in high School?
Not really any particular clique.
Did you talk to your stuffed animals alot as a kid?
Don't really remember.
What was/is closer to you, friends or your stuffed animals?
Friends.
What do you avoid the most?
Too much to list here.
Is it easier for you to make friends or lose them?
Hard to lose when you don't really make friends.
Okay all, if you can think of some more NON-PERSONAL questions PLEASE post them!

 

[BeautifullyImperfect]

How long have you known that you have been an Avoidant?
Since 6th grade, probably...

Who in your family, is an avoidant?
Um...I dunno that there are any... =\

How many online friends do you have that your reguarally chat with?
About 3 or 4.

How many PM's do you receive a day?
1 or 2

How many emails do you receive a day or week?
Less than 2.

How many online friends have burned you?
3 or so.

How many offline friends do you have?
2 close ones.

How many "aquaintances friends do you have?
Like.....5 or 6? ... I got along with most of the people at the Christian school I used to attend...they were all very nice.

How many very close friends do you have (including family/spouse)?
Outside family - 3 : boyfriend, best girl friend, best guy friend.
Then my mom...

How many friends did you have when you were younger (high school)?
I'm still in high school, but...

Elementary school: 2 or 3

Middle school: 4 maybe

High school: 3 or 4

What clique did you belong to when you were (are) in high School?
I've kinda always been outside the cliques.... :o

Did you talk to your stuffed animals alot as a kid?
Yea, until I got a little older. I still sleep with my bunny.

What was/is closer to you, friends or your stuffed animals?
Friends.

What do you avoid the most?
Confrontation...

Is it easier for you to make friends or lose them?
Lose, apparently. I take a long time to make friends..

 

[equal-minded]

How long have you known that you have been an Avoidant? Since about 6th grade. I blame Elementary School.
Who in your family, is an avoidant? My Brother, I guess.
How many online friends do you have that your reguarally chat with? Regularly? Just one, I guess.How many PM's do you receive a day? Used to be one a day, but now I'm lucky to get any.
How many emails do you receive a day or week? Junk mail, mostly. Maybe one a week, average.
How many online friends have burned you? Not too many. But, I guess that depends on how you define "burn."How many offline friends do you have? 5 from school and some adults from church
How many "aquaintances friends do you have? Well, several, but it's nothing more than a smile in the hall. How many very close friends do you have (including family/spouse)? MAYBE 2 or 3 How many friends did you have when you were younger (high school)? Well, I'm still in High School... same as last question. What clique did you belong to when you were (are) in high School? Nerds. Ya know, D&D, Star Wars, that sorta stuff. Did you talk to your stuffed animals alot as a kid? I wasn't that imaginative.
What was/is closer to you, friends or your stuffed animals? My friends. I've lost all the stuffed animals that I never talked to. What do you avoid the most? Annoying other people, but that's hard to do. Is it easier for you to make friends or lose them? Lose 'em. I annoy people that are just coming in, and that scares 'em off. I don't mean to. And I'm too shy to make new friends off the get-go.

 

[brel]

It's too painful to answer the questions on the survey. I do not have a friend on this earth. I am not able to make or keep friends. I wish I didn't have to be around people. It's an embarrassment, just living, just being in public.

I've been hurt and I will never open myself or share what is in my heart, directly, to another person.

If it wasn't for Art--books, movies, music--it would not be possible to live.

 

[BelindaP]

Hey, brel. Welcome to the club. I hope you find a community here to support you.

And, welcome to CF.

 

[BeautifullyImperfect]

How long have you known that you have been an Avoidant? Since about 6th grade. I blame Elementary School.
Who in your family, is an avoidant? My Brother, I guess.
How many online friends do you have that your reguarally chat with? Regularly? Just one, I guess.How many PM's do you receive a day? Used to be one a day, but now I'm lucky to get any.
How many emails do you receive a day or week? Junk mail, mostly. Maybe one a week, average.
How many online friends have burned you? Not too many. But, I guess that depends on how you define "burn."How many offline friends do you have? 5 from school and some adults from church
How many "aquaintances friends do you have? Well, several, but it's nothing more than a smile in the hall. How many very close friends do you have (including family/spouse)? MAYBE 2 or 3 How many friends did you have when you were younger (high school)? Well, I'm still in High School... same as last question. What clique did you belong to when you were (are) in high School? Nerds. Ya know, D&D, Star Wars, that sorta stuff. Did you talk to your stuffed animals alot as a kid? I wasn't that imaginative.
What was/is closer to you, friends or your stuffed animals? My friends. I've lost all the stuffed animals that I never talked to. What do you avoid the most? Annoying other people, but that's hard to do. Is it easier for you to make friends or lose them? Lose 'em. I annoy people that are just coming in, and that scares 'em off. I don't mean to. And I'm too shy to make new friends off the get-go.

Goob!!!!!

My ol' buddy!! I didn't realize you were an avoidant!! =O

 

[BeautifullyImperfect]

It's too painful to answer the questions on the survey. I do not have a friend on this earth. I am not able to make or keep friends. I wish I didn't have to be around people. It's an embarrassment, just living, just being in public.

I've been hurt and I will never open myself or share what is in my heart, directly, to another person.

If it wasn't for Art--books, movies, music--it would not be possible to live.

Aww Sounds so sad....

I don't want to sound weird or make you feel uncomfortable, but if you want to talk, send me a PM anytime.

 

[brel]

Thank you, BelindaP and BeautifullyImperfect.

Just a thought, maybe we can eventually get our own subforum thingie at Mental Health. Be easier for people to find us, I think.

I do like the irony of an avoidant personality club. There are other people out there who know what it's like to be lonely, and it's good to talk about it.

One of the more difficult things for an avoidant, is the reactions you get by just being quiet. Apprehension, ridicule, baby-talk pity, mercilessly cheerful attempts to "draw you out", anything but acceptance. And people think that you can't hear anything, or that you're slow to understand, if you aren't jabbering. Whatever.

 

[aflower4God]

It's too painful to answer the questions on the survey. I do not have a friend on this earth. I am not able to make or keep friends. I wish I didn't have to be around people. It's an embarrassment, just living, just being in public.

I've been hurt and I will never open myself or share what is in my heart, directly, to another person.

If it wasn't for Art--books, movies, music--it would not be possible to live.

Hi Brel, you have a friend in all of us!!!! I think that you are special and I am blessed that you have joined this club too! welcome brother!!!!

As for the rest of our newest members WELCOME as well. I hope that you will find this club to be helpful to you all. We can all talk about our struggles and learn more about this trait of ours (or if you are hear to learn about this trait in general welcome!)

my next post is gonna be more about this trait of ours!

GOD BLESS YOU ALL!

 

[aflower4God]

Hi there all, how are you feeling today?

anyway, I invite you to participate in this excersize. What will do if you want is to highlight the traits that is most like you (or your spose) and IF YOU WANT, you can explain more about why you think this okay here is the list:

1. avoids occupational activities that involve significant interpersonal contact, because of fears of criticism, disapproval, or rejection Totally me, let me just say this, I hate to even eat out cause of this.
2. is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked = oh yeah me again, I must "sense" that they will like me or I am not willing to talk to them, I may say hello but that is it
3. shows restraint within intimate relationships because of the fear of being shamed or ridiculed - maybe this explains why I am in my 30's and never been in love
4. is preoccupied with being criticized or rejected in social situations - OH YEAH this is definatly me!!!!! I am so scared of that, I even get depressed sometimes cause of this <
5. is inhibited in new interpersonal situations because of feelings of inadequacy Sometimes
6. views self as socially inept, personally unappealing, or inferior to others OH yes, especailly with certain types of people
7. is unusually reluctant to take personal risks or to engage in any new activities because they may prove embarrassing Yeah, I would have to say most of the time, but if I HAVE too (like looking for a new job) I will.

Thank you all and I hope that this will help you too. More soon!


GOD BLESS and have a wonderful day!

 

[GrannieAnnie]

I think to the....rest of the world....I appear.."normal", certainly outgoing and happy.....I'm friendly and chatty....however....when I get home I often AGONISE....what did people really think of me...and I dread seeing them again. I FORCE myself to socialise sometimes. Sometimes even with good friends after I've had a conversation with them I have to get reasssurance from my husband that I didn't ...make a fool of myself...when I was in conversation. For me it's an internal thing rather than an external thing. I've learned to outwardly "bluff" my way through life. I can act very confident but feel very insecure inside. Then I worry that people will believe that I really am confident, when INSIDE I'm not....then I worry about something else, and something else .... and so it goes on !!! My husband says I worry about everything.....and I shouldn't !!!
I often wish I could just crawl under a rock and live there forever, or wear "covered clothes" like those muslim ladies, so no one would know me, and I'd change my name.....it's all really rather silly at my age I guess.....sometimes it's worse than others, and when it gets bad it really gets scary and I'm afraid I'm going crazy.

Annie

 

[brel]

I think to the....rest of the world....I appear.."normal", certainly outgoing and happy.....I'm friendly and chatty....however....when I get home I often AGONISE....what did people really think of me...and I dread seeing them again. I FORCE myself to socialise sometimes. Sometimes even with good friends after I've had a conversation with them I have to get reasssurance from my husband that I didn't ...make a fool of myself...when I was in conversation. For me it's an internal thing rather than an external thing. I've learned to outwardly "bluff" my way through life. I can act very confident but feel very insecure inside. Then I worry that people will believe that I really am confident, when INSIDE I'm not....then I worry about something else, and something else .... and so it goes on !!! My husband says I worry about everything.....and I shouldn't !!!
I often wish I could just crawl under a rock and live there forever, or wear "covered clothes" like those muslim ladies, so no one would know me, and I'd change my name.....it's all really rather silly at my age I guess.....sometimes it's worse than others, and when it gets bad it really gets scary and I'm afraid I'm going crazy.

Annie

Annie, thank you for taking the time to write this. I hope we can all help each other here. God bless you, for clearly saying what we feel.

I can relate to what you're saying (except I'm single). I always regret talking, but I'm still spontaneous, and then I get the anguish afterwards. The stress of it all is too much. When I'm alone, I have to tell myself that things are OK, I've got 4 walls around me, that at least for now things are safe and peaceful.